My boyfriend wants to get married. We've only been living together for one year. We both have children from a previous marriage. My daughter and grandchildren live with us. He sees his children every weekend. He is currently not working, doesn't pay child-support, etc. He and my daughter do not get along. She is 22, working two jobs, and is going to college. He has basically said in not so many words, that she needs to move out.., why? Because she refuses to wash his dish. I'm stuck in the middle, and am unhappy with the situation. He's a good person, but is content with living in a house that looks like it's going to fall apart at any moment. I've tried talking to him about moving, but he likes where he is. I don't. He has not worked in well over 6 months, but has managed to work here and there, just enough to cover the utilities. Yet, he manages to come up with a couple of hundred dollars to put his son and daughter in sport activity. I have no problem with that, basically they are good kids. The minute I mention that I want to put one of my grandchildren in an activity such as peewee football, he has some sort of fit.., asking why can't the mother do it. Well, I figure this, no money is coming out of his pocket, right? It's like he wants to control me. I feel as if he's suffocating me, and not letting me myself. To top that off, he had a child from a one-night stand. It kind of bothers me. Only because the woman he had this child from is always at his family functions. I told him that I don't like being there, because it makes me feel uncomfortable. He had a fit, and stated that we should be able to go to my family as well as his family functions, and to just ignore it. But I can't and I refuse. This is really bothering me. Don't get me wrong, he has a good heart and good intentions. Then what's the problem? He wants to get married, have a small church wedding, the happy family life, wants another child! Hello, I'm 42, I do not want any more children. My grandchildren are enough for me. He hasn't found a job, is content in living in a condemned property, doesn't pay child-support, etc. Help!
My boyfriend wants to get married. We've only been living together for one year. We both have children from a previous marriage. My daughter and grandchildren live with us. He sees his children every weekend. He is currently not working, doesn't pay child-support, etc. He and my daughter do not get along. She is 22, working two jobs, and is going to college. He has basically said in not so many words, that she needs to move out.., why? Because she refuses to wash his dish. I'm stuck in the middle, and am unhappy with the situation. He's a good person, but is content with living in a house that looks like it's going to fall apart at any moment. I've tried talking to him about moving, but he likes where he is. I don't. He has not worked in well over 6 months, but has managed to work here and there, just enough to cover the utilities. Yet, he manages to come up with a couple of hundred dollars to put his son and daughter in sport activity. I have no problem with that, basically they are good kids. The minute I mention that I want to put one of my grandchildren in an activity such as peewee football, he has some sort of fit.., asking why can't the mother do it. Well, I figure this, no money is coming out of his pocket, right? It's like he wants to control me. I feel as if he's suffocating me, and not letting me myself. To top that off, he had a child from a one-night stand. It kind of bothers me. Only because the woman he had this child from is always at his family functions. I told him that I don't like being there, because it makes me feel uncomfortable. He had a fit, and stated that we should be able to go to my family as well as his family functions, and to just ignore it. But I can't and I refuse. This is really bothering me. Don't get me wrong, he has a good heart and good intentions. Then what's the problem? He wants to get married, have a small church wedding, the happy family life, wants another child! Hello, I'm 42, I do not want any more children. My grandchildren are enough for me. He hasn't found a job, is content in living in a condemned property, doesn't pay child-support, etc. Help!
IMHO, you coming here to seek help, obviously shows me that you have some inner feelings against marrying this guy. If I am wrong, I apologize. If there is one thing I have learned over the past couple of years of therapy, is that you want to ALWAYS trust that inner voice of yours, because nine times out of ten, that voice is right.
You should be able to make the decision as to where your money is spent and what it is spent on. Since he hasn't had a job in the past 6 months, how long are you going to go on like this.
It sounds to me as if you are better off on your own with your daughter and grandchildren. Again, IMHO!
Good luck!
P
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~Let each new day provide you another reason for tomorrow~
This is no fun situation when you're in love with someone, but it does sound like he's holding back some of who you are. It's not up to him how you spend your money, he should be open to compromise about the living situation if you both have to be there and YOUR children are the one's living there. (IMO).
At 42, I'm sure it's hard to decide if you really want to forget this possibility, but this kind of marriage doesn't sound like it'd have a terribly positive outcome. The fact that he hasn't worked in so long would make me nervous for your living situation. It's not up to you to take care of him (more or less), in a marriage everything should be as close to fair and equal as it can get, in my opinion - it doesn't sound like he's even really willing to try that.
Consider your future... for the sake of YOU. Your daughter is grown up and dealing with her life so try to focus on this decision for you. You know there are plenty of men out there, if this one seems like a bad fish for "forever" - really consider how long you want to put up with this kind of behavior.
It really irks me that he seems so quick to invalidate your situations and feelings. -_-
From what you wrote, it really seems like you have doubts about marrying your boyfriend... and I would too if I were you. Also, if I were your daughter, then I'd most likely be acting the same way as her. It is hard to respect and come to like someone who is older than me (AND who is dating my mother) who doesnt have a job and works here and there only to spend his earnings on utilities and his kids' activities... especially if I was juggling both college schoolwork and work. I would understand, however, if he has a condition that makes working too difficult. Otherwise, he needs to at least find a secure job to prove that he can support a marriage. He doesnt seem to care enough about your grandchildren -should you get married, they will become his grandchildren too and it wouldnt be right for him to treat them like that.
He may be a good guy but he doesnt seem like husband or father material. I disagree with his behavior -not working, trying to make your daughter move out, not willing to pay for your grandchildren, and not making matters better when you had specifically told him that his family gatherings make you feel uncomfortable.
Like the other poster said, you probably are better off with your daughter and grandchildren. I dont think he is worth risking ruining your relationship with them.
And your with this boyfriend because................
It's nice that he has a good heart but I did not see it in your post from everything else you mention.....
WHY or HOW can you allow this man to control you and what you want?
NO JOB? but yet will tell you how to spend YOUR money....PLEASE
I don't see where your going with this relationship - SO what if he wants to marry you - just so you can take care of him and live by his way.....
Lady, you deserve better...Just ask your daughter...And the next time he asks your daughter for a spoon - tell her to get a Fork, aim, shoot and don't miss!
Sorry - I hate...the type of MAN you are living with....
And your with this boyfriend because................
It's nice that he has a good heart but I did not see it in your post from everything else you mention.....
WHY or HOW can you allow this man to control you and what you want?
NO JOB? but yet will tell you how to spend YOUR money....PLEASE
I don't see where your going with this relationship - SO what if he wants to marry you - just so you can take care of him and live by his way.....
Lady, you deserve better...Just ask your daughter...And the next time he asks your daughter for a spoon - tell her to get a Fork, aim, shoot and don't miss!
Sorry - I hate...the type of MAN you are living with....
Mart61, if you are 42 i gather your b/f is about your age also and if can't find a job and has no money and is living off what you or your daughter earn, how do you see things changing after reciting marriage vows in a church.
It's funny how so many women will say guys like this are "nice deep down", "have a good heart", "but he loves me" etc etc. Which guy wouldn't be loving in exchange for an all expenses paid lifestyle.
What you describe isn't nice, doesnt look like a good heart and doesnt show love. I'd be moving out and see how he copes without you. Tell him when he's got a job and has moved into a decent dwelling you might consider marriage, but never before.
He's an IT. Hasn't found a job. Still looking for one. I pay him $200 to help with utilities. But, I am not by all means, paying him anything more. At times, I feel as if he would benefit should he marry me, but, as for me? The only thing I would benefit would be his woes. I'll give myself one year.
He's an IT. Hasn't found a job. Still looking for one. I pay him $200 to help with utilities. But, I am not by all means, paying him anything more. At times, I feel as if he would benefit should he marry me, but, as for me? The only thing I would benefit would be his woes. I'll give myself one year.
Mart61 - Wait a minute....You LIVE in His House? it's not your house? it is both your house?
Yes, I live in his house, rather he's renting from his mom. The agreement was this...I pay for the groceries, pay him $200 a month, I pay for my own person bills along with my car note. This was fine with me. Since that time, I have put cable in the house, moved all my furniture in. He had no furniture worth keeping; buy groceries, added him to my car insurance, he has a credit card with his name on it, as he has bad credit, and he's a member of the gym that I pay for. He had no money to buy his kids Christmas gifts, so, I brought them. I did it because I wanted to. Yet, when I want to spend $40 for my grandson to play football, he wants to know why can't my daughter pay for it? Well, I figure this.., it's my money, I do not and have never asked him for any money. So, why can't I pay?
I am sure he is not a bad person but he is very selfish. He puts himself before puts you or your kids in the way. Since you both live together then you should be sharing the same thing like ideas, work around the house and so on...But they are his kids and to the sound of it he doesn't make a lot of money if he has to try to come up with a few hundred dollers for his kids sport. Those are his kids until you both get married so he has to provide for them. IF he had extra money to spare then I can't see why he cant help you out but it sounds like he is struggleing. If he is struggleing then he won't beable to help you for your kids.
I am not sticking up for either side because I see both issues here but its hard to provide with just barely making it to pay bills.
That's just it. There are times when I will feel overwhelmed. I work Monday-Friday.., I come home and cook, take care of my grandkids when my daughter is working late, or has class. She's no angel either. I try not to do too much for her because she is their mother. He is content to be and live where he is. His words are "we'll make due." Well, I'm sorry, I don't want to just make due. I told him that when my daughter moves out.., I would like to move into an apartment. He likes where he is. He likes living in a home that has one closet. The house is, and I kid you not, close to 90 years old!!! No work has ever been done to it. Well, this past Christmas.., I purchased paint for the kitchen., after we painted it, his mother decides to hold a "family meeting" only the children were allowed to attend. She decides she wants to sell the house that we are living in. That's fine, it's her house. But why tell us, after we spent money by painting, spent close to $2,500 in renovating the bathroom? He asked her if he could purchase the home, she said no because she wanted to leave it to all of her children when she passed. Come to find out, one of the brothers told his mother not to sell it to him only because he would fix it up and sell it. How terrible is that? Well, I'm getting off the issue. Not to long ago, his son was hurt in a sport related activity. Well, he does not have health insurance, and asked if I could put him on my health insurance at work. I told him no, since he was not my child, it was not acceptable. He is not my adopted son, and I do not claim him on my taxes. I have my college daughter on my health insurance, he had a fit because of this. Well, the money is coming out of my check, not his. He said that she was old enough. It's these things that really get to me.
You are all living together and should share expenses but when it comes time to get your children on a health plan or share expenses for another child then that shouldn't be until you are married. That is the the parent of the childs responsibility. What happens is you both don't work out? Would have to go through alot to get him off your plan and maybe some fighting.
Overall just share the expenses but keep child expenses to yourself.
Mart61 - I hate to put it to you - but it is the Family's house of your boyfriend and is also belongs to your boyfriend. You are living in their space not your own. You put money into a house that you do not own, I understand it was to make it more homey and all...BUT bottomline still is it is not your house, you may pay rent and you may buy your food -but if you were to rent any place else...it would be the same thing. If you rented someplace else, you would need the landlord's permission to paint a room or fix a place up and the landlord can say yes or no, pay you back your money, deduct it from your rent or do it himself or herself.
You boyfriend doesn't owe you anything, and now that you said you do live in His Space - he can tell you what to do or not do in his home as well as having your daughter move out. Sorry, be this is all a different story here.
I thought this GUY was living with YOU in Your Home.
I still don't like the guy from your postings, but.....You & your daughter and grandson should go find that Nice Place to live.
As far as your boyfriends children go, even when you get married those are still HIS children not yours and You don't have to support HIS children and you can't say what he spends on them and what he doesn't. He is their father. As for your own Children, they are yours and You can spend what you Want on them and it is not HIS busniess what you spend and How much.
At the time being he is just your boyfriend, not your husband and What you are seeing is what you are to expect when you marry him - It won't get any better then this...This is what you need to consider for yourself and how you want to live your life....I still suggest you find your own living space without the guy.....
We do share expenses. He just doesn't like the fact that my daughter is on my health plan. After 5 years of working for a great firm, the firm will pay for her insurance until she turns 24. That's the only thing that I pay for her. I have purchased items for his children. I have given them money to go to the movies. I have even paid for one of his overdue credit card payments, and am currently helping him with his student loan.., but at times it's just too much. Yet he feels it necessary to tell me that my daughter is not a good parent because she doesn't cook for her kids every day or that the reason her kids are "loud" is because they are trying to get their mother's attention. He refuses to see what sort of parent he is. I don't say anything about him being a bad parent, because it's not my business, just like it's not his business to tell my daughter that.
believe me, we've heard that before..."it's my house, i pay the bills, i make the rules." you're right.., the only thing left for me to do, is just to get my place, where i can make my own rules.
Feeling pressured 
