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Old 04-28-2004, 01:05 PM   #1
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Red face Feeling pressured

My boyfriend wants to get married. We've only been living together for one year. We both have children from a previous marriage. My daughter and grandchildren live with us. He sees his children every weekend. He is currently not working, doesn't pay child-support, etc. He and my daughter do not get along. She is 22, working two jobs, and is going to college. He has basically said in not so many words, that she needs to move out.., why? Because she refuses to wash his dish. I'm stuck in the middle, and am unhappy with the situation. He's a good person, but is content with living in a house that looks like it's going to fall apart at any moment. I've tried talking to him about moving, but he likes where he is. I don't. He has not worked in well over 6 months, but has managed to work here and there, just enough to cover the utilities. Yet, he manages to come up with a couple of hundred dollars to put his son and daughter in sport activity. I have no problem with that, basically they are good kids. The minute I mention that I want to put one of my grandchildren in an activity such as peewee football, he has some sort of fit.., asking why can't the mother do it. Well, I figure this, no money is coming out of his pocket, right? It's like he wants to control me. I feel as if he's suffocating me, and not letting me myself. To top that off, he had a child from a one-night stand. It kind of bothers me. Only because the woman he had this child from is always at his family functions. I told him that I don't like being there, because it makes me feel uncomfortable. He had a fit, and stated that we should be able to go to my family as well as his family functions, and to just ignore it. But I can't and I refuse. This is really bothering me. Don't get me wrong, he has a good heart and good intentions. Then what's the problem? He wants to get married, have a small church wedding, the happy family life, wants another child! Hello, I'm 42, I do not want any more children. My grandchildren are enough for me. He hasn't found a job, is content in living in a condemned property, doesn't pay child-support, etc. Help!

 
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Old 04-28-2004, 01:12 PM   #2
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Re: Feeling pressured

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mart61
My boyfriend wants to get married. We've only been living together for one year. We both have children from a previous marriage. My daughter and grandchildren live with us. He sees his children every weekend. He is currently not working, doesn't pay child-support, etc. He and my daughter do not get along. She is 22, working two jobs, and is going to college. He has basically said in not so many words, that she needs to move out.., why? Because she refuses to wash his dish. I'm stuck in the middle, and am unhappy with the situation. He's a good person, but is content with living in a house that looks like it's going to fall apart at any moment. I've tried talking to him about moving, but he likes where he is. I don't. He has not worked in well over 6 months, but has managed to work here and there, just enough to cover the utilities. Yet, he manages to come up with a couple of hundred dollars to put his son and daughter in sport activity. I have no problem with that, basically they are good kids. The minute I mention that I want to put one of my grandchildren in an activity such as peewee football, he has some sort of fit.., asking why can't the mother do it. Well, I figure this, no money is coming out of his pocket, right? It's like he wants to control me. I feel as if he's suffocating me, and not letting me myself. To top that off, he had a child from a one-night stand. It kind of bothers me. Only because the woman he had this child from is always at his family functions. I told him that I don't like being there, because it makes me feel uncomfortable. He had a fit, and stated that we should be able to go to my family as well as his family functions, and to just ignore it. But I can't and I refuse. This is really bothering me. Don't get me wrong, he has a good heart and good intentions. Then what's the problem? He wants to get married, have a small church wedding, the happy family life, wants another child! Hello, I'm 42, I do not want any more children. My grandchildren are enough for me. He hasn't found a job, is content in living in a condemned property, doesn't pay child-support, etc. Help!
IMHO, you coming here to seek help, obviously shows me that you have some inner feelings against marrying this guy. If I am wrong, I apologize. If there is one thing I have learned over the past couple of years of therapy, is that you want to ALWAYS trust that inner voice of yours, because nine times out of ten, that voice is right.

You should be able to make the decision as to where your money is spent and what it is spent on. Since he hasn't had a job in the past 6 months, how long are you going to go on like this.

It sounds to me as if you are better off on your own with your daughter and grandchildren. Again, IMHO!

Good luck!
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Old 04-28-2004, 01:17 PM   #3
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Re: Feeling pressured

I guess I'm just struggling with what I want to see and what I need to see. Thanks for your advice.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 01:24 PM   #4
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Re: Feeling pressured

This is no fun situation when you're in love with someone, but it does sound like he's holding back some of who you are. It's not up to him how you spend your money, he should be open to compromise about the living situation if you both have to be there and YOUR children are the one's living there. (IMO).

At 42, I'm sure it's hard to decide if you really want to forget this possibility, but this kind of marriage doesn't sound like it'd have a terribly positive outcome. The fact that he hasn't worked in so long would make me nervous for your living situation. It's not up to you to take care of him (more or less), in a marriage everything should be as close to fair and equal as it can get, in my opinion - it doesn't sound like he's even really willing to try that.

Consider your future... for the sake of YOU. Your daughter is grown up and dealing with her life so try to focus on this decision for you. You know there are plenty of men out there, if this one seems like a bad fish for "forever" - really consider how long you want to put up with this kind of behavior.

It really irks me that he seems so quick to invalidate your situations and feelings. -_-

 
Old 04-28-2004, 01:42 PM   #5
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Re: Feeling pressured

From what you wrote, it really seems like you have doubts about marrying your boyfriend... and I would too if I were you. Also, if I were your daughter, then I'd most likely be acting the same way as her. It is hard to respect and come to like someone who is older than me (AND who is dating my mother) who doesnt have a job and works here and there only to spend his earnings on utilities and his kids' activities... especially if I was juggling both college schoolwork and work. I would understand, however, if he has a condition that makes working too difficult. Otherwise, he needs to at least find a secure job to prove that he can support a marriage. He doesnt seem to care enough about your grandchildren -should you get married, they will become his grandchildren too and it wouldnt be right for him to treat them like that.
He may be a good guy but he doesnt seem like husband or father material. I disagree with his behavior -not working, trying to make your daughter move out, not willing to pay for your grandchildren, and not making matters better when you had specifically told him that his family gatherings make you feel uncomfortable.
Like the other poster said, you probably are better off with your daughter and grandchildren. I dont think he is worth risking ruining your relationship with them.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 02:09 PM   #6
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Re: Feeling pressured

And your with this boyfriend because................

It's nice that he has a good heart but I did not see it in your post from everything else you mention.....

WHY or HOW can you allow this man to control you and what you want?
NO JOB? but yet will tell you how to spend YOUR money....PLEASE

I don't see where your going with this relationship - SO what if he wants to marry you - just so you can take care of him and live by his way.....

Lady, you deserve better...Just ask your daughter...And the next time he asks your daughter for a spoon - tell her to get a Fork, aim, shoot and don't miss!

Sorry - I hate...the type of MAN you are living with....

 
Old 04-28-2004, 02:12 PM   #7
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Re: Feeling pressured

I would like to thank each of you who have replied. I needed to vent, and your wonderful insights have hepled me tremendously.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 02:13 PM   #8
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Re: Feeling pressured

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
And your with this boyfriend because................

It's nice that he has a good heart but I did not see it in your post from everything else you mention.....

WHY or HOW can you allow this man to control you and what you want?
NO JOB? but yet will tell you how to spend YOUR money....PLEASE

I don't see where your going with this relationship - SO what if he wants to marry you - just so you can take care of him and live by his way.....

Lady, you deserve better...Just ask your daughter...And the next time he asks your daughter for a spoon - tell her to get a Fork, aim, shoot and don't miss!

Sorry - I hate...the type of MAN you are living with....

 
Old 04-28-2004, 02:14 PM   #9
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Re: Feeling pressured

I love it!!! I'll gladly tell my daughter. You remind me of my best friend. He's since moved to California!

 
Old 04-28-2004, 05:14 PM   #10
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Re: Feeling pressured

Mart61, if you are 42 i gather your b/f is about your age also and if can't find a job and has no money and is living off what you or your daughter earn, how do you see things changing after reciting marriage vows in a church.

It's funny how so many women will say guys like this are "nice deep down", "have a good heart", "but he loves me" etc etc. Which guy wouldn't be loving in exchange for an all expenses paid lifestyle.

What you describe isn't nice, doesnt look like a good heart and doesnt show love. I'd be moving out and see how he copes without you. Tell him when he's got a job and has moved into a decent dwelling you might consider marriage, but never before.

 
Old 04-29-2004, 05:20 AM   #11
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Re: Feeling pressured

Either kick him to the curb or leave his butt in that delapidated house and go find you someplace better to live!

 
Old 04-29-2004, 06:27 AM   #12
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Re: Feeling pressured

He's an IT. Hasn't found a job. Still looking for one. I pay him $200 to help with utilities. But, I am not by all means, paying him anything more. At times, I feel as if he would benefit should he marry me, but, as for me? The only thing I would benefit would be his woes. I'll give myself one year.

 
Old 04-29-2004, 06:30 AM   #13
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Re: Feeling pressured

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mart61
He's an IT. Hasn't found a job. Still looking for one. I pay him $200 to help with utilities. But, I am not by all means, paying him anything more. At times, I feel as if he would benefit should he marry me, but, as for me? The only thing I would benefit would be his woes. I'll give myself one year.

Mart61 - Wait a minute....You LIVE in His House? it's not your house? it is both your house?

 
Old 04-29-2004, 06:50 AM   #14
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Re: Feeling pressured

Yes, I live in his house, rather he's renting from his mom. The agreement was this...I pay for the groceries, pay him $200 a month, I pay for my own person bills along with my car note. This was fine with me. Since that time, I have put cable in the house, moved all my furniture in. He had no furniture worth keeping; buy groceries, added him to my car insurance, he has a credit card with his name on it, as he has bad credit, and he's a member of the gym that I pay for. He had no money to buy his kids Christmas gifts, so, I brought them. I did it because I wanted to. Yet, when I want to spend $40 for my grandson to play football, he wants to know why can't my daughter pay for it? Well, I figure this.., it's my money, I do not and have never asked him for any money. So, why can't I pay?

 
Old 04-29-2004, 07:20 AM   #15
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Re: Feeling pressured

I am sure he is not a bad person but he is very selfish. He puts himself before puts you or your kids in the way. Since you both live together then you should be sharing the same thing like ideas, work around the house and so on...But they are his kids and to the sound of it he doesn't make a lot of money if he has to try to come up with a few hundred dollers for his kids sport. Those are his kids until you both get married so he has to provide for them. IF he had extra money to spare then I can't see why he cant help you out but it sounds like he is struggleing. If he is struggleing then he won't beable to help you for your kids.

I am not sticking up for either side because I see both issues here but its hard to provide with just barely making it to pay bills.

 
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