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Desperate Dilemma

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Old 04-29-2004, 12:15 PM   #1
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SeekingSanity HB User
Exclamation Desperate Dilemma

Someone please help me! I have quite a dilemma on my hands, and I worry about it so much I haven’t been sleeping. I will give you a brief history first so you can better understand. My brother started sexually molesting me when I was 12, he was 15. It continued for 3 years, until he left for college. He told me if I told anyone they would not believe me. He told me I was a worthless ****, a nothing piece of *****. I never did tell because I knew he was right. He was the model son, while I was more of the hell raiser. It gnawed at me for years. He became a successful businessman with a masters degree, I ended up in a mental hospital. I finally had to tell someone because I couldn’t live with my secret any longer. So, 13 years later I told my mother and father. They reacted in disbelief, and my sweet little sister who I love more than anything asked me one question, “How could you not protect me?” I died inside because she was right. Yet she continues to visit my brother, even staying with him in the summers to work for him.
Now my dilemma is that my sister is graduating from college and my little brother is graduating from High School in June. My Mother told me that my brother and sister want me there and it’s “their” day. (My older brother is going). My older brother, the evil, sick, ******* is announcing his engagement on that day as well. I have had a history of violent behavior (towards men) and I know I will not be able to control myself when faced with the man who destroyed me. I don’t want to act like that in front of my family, I have worked so hard to win my dignity, respect, and control. Yet my Mother says that I would be extremely selfish not to go. What do I do?

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Old 04-29-2004, 12:46 PM   #2
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Desperate Dilemma

OH MY GOD...are you serious? This happened? I am sooo sorry.

IS there any possible way you can go, go with a trusted friend to stand by you and protect you from yourself/sanity and also from your evil brother?

Don't go with your family - go with someone YOU can trust. Stay clear away from your brother. You have to spot him frist out so you can be on the other side of him...

Your not being selfish, you have Valid reasons and you family is not listening to you but if you have come this far in your life and are doing well you need to hold your head up high, write him off and don't let him effect your life anymore. Tell your brother & sister you will be there but not with the family and why. As for your sick brother and his engagement you do not have to acknowledge this, be there for it, or you can wish the new bride good luck and tell her not to have any children with your brother.

Hope this helps alittle, I'm at a lost for words, and still can't velieve your own brother did this to you..................................... .......

Old 04-29-2004, 12:46 PM   #3
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Desperate Dilemma

Wow you are torn between two worlds.

Eventually you will have to face him It could be anything from a death in a family to a graduation of a family memeber. I would say face up to it. This guy has put you through a lot but hiding from it isn't going to help.

When you go you don't have to talk to him nor be next to him. If you feel wierded out by being next to him then just leave until he is gone. You can still see your parents and family members without him being there.

I am sorry to hear that he had put you through this and I hope thing get better within time...but see you family...its doesn't mean you have to see him. You not being selfish by keeping you distance. This guy hurt you and scared you for life. Dont' let anyone tell you that you are selfish.,...

Last edited by eightball61; 04-29-2004 at 12:48 PM.

Old 04-29-2004, 12:49 PM   #4
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Destea HB User
Re: Desperate Dilemma

If you really feel it'd be more disasterous to their day if you DO show - take your gut. They can feel you're selfish all they like, but it's important to keep your sanity.

I'm guessing you've been through therapy right?

Old 04-29-2004, 12:55 PM   #5
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smartgal HB User
Re: Desperate Dilemma

Your mother is the selfish one! I can't believe she would even think you would want to be in the same area for any reason. I think she may not want to believe it happened. Ask her how she would feel attending an event with the man who raped her? I'm sure your sister and brother will understand, and if they don't that is their problem not yours. Send them a heart felt note of congratulations. If they both know the situation, you don't need to make excuses for yourself. No one says you have to love your family.

Old 04-29-2004, 01:11 PM   #6
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Re: Desperate Dilemma

Sweetheart....walk in there and hold your head high and count your blessings that you know him for the monster he is. If you don't go, you are giving him more of your life and that's what he wants. He will relish in it. I know how hard it is and the first inclination is to run and you feel like you're a child all over again.....know it from experience.....don't give him any more of your life.

The first thing that came to mind when I heard this was write a long, lovely letter to the piece of ****************, mail it to him prior to the event or take it with you. Tell him everything you feel about him and that you will no longer live in fear of retribution or the veiled threat of people disbelieving you....afterall, you both know what he is and I have a feeling your parents do to. IMO, they are just as sick. They should not allow him around the family until he's admitted it, made "amends" (as much as possible) and gotten into intensive therapy. They also shouldn't hide it from his prospective wife...they don't stop, they'll do it to their own kids....and ruin many lives.

jThe man (that word is used loosley) that molested me as a child was just finally prosecuted....over two decades later....after the rape and molestation of many teen agers, pre-teen girls and finally the rape of another 4 yr old! But, he was allowed to hind behind the shame he created in his victims, just as your brother has done.

Heck, if you want to, you have every right to announce it to the world. You did nothing wrong and being a hell-raiser is no open-door to sexual abuse. Sometimes people forget that kids are reflections of their parents, surrounding and experiences and act accordingly. That blame does not rest with you....but to those who should have protected you and to those who chose to harm you.

Please get into some therapy because it doesn't go away. You only push it so far away that it will effect you but you will have no idea why you feel the way you do. I didn't get help until a sexual assault a few years ago and although one of the most traumatic events in my life, with the help of a great counselor and a few great friends, I'm more healthy now than I ever was. A blessing in disguise but not a recommended way of self-help therapy!

My heart goes out to you, but know you are a strong person, have nothing to be ashamed of and you have the right to be proud of what you have accomplished and overcome. Another take on it is, would your sis and bro really rather have him there over you or are they inviting him out of obligation and you out of love.....I would bet on it.

How have your parents treated you about this? Did they believe you? How did they treat you? Did they ever confront him on it?
If you don't experience anything bad, you'll never appreciate the good when it comes around!!!

Old 04-29-2004, 02:00 PM   #7
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Brooke~Lynn HB User
Re: Desperate Dilemma

my step brother abused me when i was 10 and he was 15....and some also when i was just a baby (i was 2 and he was 6) he locked me in a bedroom with him and made me touch him! i was only a baby for goodness sakes!
it was all blowed off with the "kids will be kids" BULL S*** though my mother made sure i was never around him alone again (when i finally told her at 10)
but anyway last year when he got married i didnt have to go to his wedding cause i had my graduation...but i wouldnt have went i dont believe if i would have had to make the decision...
it sickend me to think he was getting married and may have kids someday ...(GAG) i can only pray he is steril....
i dont think my degree of abuse was a extensive as yours but it has caused me lots of pain and confusion....i am in therepy (for OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) which you can get when something tramatic happens in your life) go figure
but it has cause me alot of issues in relationships.....

anyway back to you....this needs to be a decision that you make....not your mom, or other family members...they are being the selfish ones, they have no idea what it like to be violated like is terrible.
on the one hand it may make it better to face the sicko
then on the other it may make it worse and rehash old memories....
and you are the best one to decide that, not us and not your family....good luck girl, i can certainly sympathize.

Last edited by Brooke~Lynn; 04-29-2004 at 02:01 PM.

Old 04-29-2004, 03:34 PM   #8
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realguy HB User
Re: Desperate Dilemma

It"s sad when families act like nothing ever happened.Just pushing it under the rug hpoing it will go away.Maybe after the day is over u can use this time to show your feelings toward your family"s denial of what happened to u.your brother did it because he had power over u.Now u can show your power within.I hope the best for u.

Old 04-29-2004, 04:03 PM   #9
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Brooke~Lynn HB User
Re: Desperate Dilemma

just thought i would add....there was times i thought about showing up at his wedding and standing up and screaming what he did to me, he ruined my life, so dont think i havent thought about ruining his....
believe me, i know how terrible this is

Old 04-30-2004, 05:32 AM   #10
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Re: Desperate Dilemma

In my opinion you owe it to no one to go. They have made it clear where their alligence lies and it is not with you. If you want to go for YOURSELF in order to face him or in order to be with your family then go but do not do it just for them.

Old 04-30-2004, 05:59 AM   #11
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Desperate Dilemma

Originally Posted by Brooke~Lynn
just thought i would add....there was times i thought about showing up at his wedding and standing up and screaming what he did to me, he ruined my life, so dont think i havent thought about ruining his....
believe me, i know how terrible this is

HONEY, you still have time to ruin his life -
I'm also sorry for your pain. I don't go around speaking an eye for an eye but when it comes to family abuse like yours and the post...I have serious issues with this and I will be happy to lend a hand.

I'm glad you moved on and I'm sure you have good days and bad days, revenge is an evil word and sometimes we hurt ourselves more by seeking revenge then letting go - But Sexual Abuse is not to be sholved under the rug for all the evil it causes mentally and emotionally........

your day of revenge will happen when you least expect it and maybe with no effort on your part...Every "dog" has there day...Hope he suffers more then you and the POST every could dream of.

Old 04-30-2004, 07:22 AM   #12
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Desperate Dilemma

Here's a little story.

This is the first time I have ever spoken to anyone about this

When I was younger prob. like 4 or 5 I remember a few times when my mom was gone my dad would watch his adult movies. I would creep into the same room and he would pretend he was sleeping. For some reaseon I remember him being naked and I would fondle him. I don't remember him ever asking me to do it but I knew he wasn't sleeping. He never touch me in any way but I remember I did a few times to him.

When I was a teen I saw a video of him cheating on my mom. My mom found out that he was hanging with another girl and they alomost slit up during her pregnancy. They went to marriage counseling and still are together. I had the video and proff he was cheating but I just erased it and never said a word.

I never brought this up because my dad is not a threat. This seems wierd and hard to believe but the counseling and he has cleared up. He was never a hard drinker nor did drugs I don't know if it was just a stupid phase he went through.

I don't know why i don't look at him differently from my younger year but I was want to put that behind me. We are a happy family and I don't want to ruin things. It may sound stupid but its just how I feel.

I am a quiet one about my past but I just want to forget to few times and move on. I see your hurt and pain and hope things could get better but if you don't feel safe around him then your parents should understand why you want to stay away. If you want to see the family though just stay away from him him and his view and enjoy the company of you family.

Old 04-30-2004, 07:39 AM   #13
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Re: Desperate Dilemma

I admire that, Jeff. I think many of us out here molested, fondled, raped, incest occurences by relatives all have their own demons--if we allow it to control us. I never said a word about what happened to me. However, the minute the janitor molested me in school, my mother got him fired. But my dad, she turned her head--didn't exactly believe me. Came to me and said she'd talked to him and he wasn't going to do it any more. Well he might not have done me, he had other siblings to move on to. I lived with that guilt on my own, had it continued with me, he might not have them. Anyway, it took me many years to accept and move on. I would say the timing of the graduation is not the right time to discuss this. I know how horrible it is to face the evil one, and have the courage to walk in a place where you feel stared at. But, face it another day. Be the strong one, and your attitude--will make you above all that, and the mystery of them wondering what you will do to them---makes them feel less the person and enjoying the moment!!! Walk in, doing your thing, and walk out. Later, at another time--confront it. But that day--control HIS life---don't say a word---keep him in suspense and everyone else uncomfortable, but yourself. Keep us posted!!!!

Old 04-30-2004, 08:18 AM   #14
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Desperate Dilemma

First, let me say how sorry I am and how you deserve to feel whatever it is you are feeling. I am very troubled by your mother's position. One would hope that she would be your most steadfast support. It is a strange politics that goes on in families that allows members to look away at what they would forcefully condemn in society at large. There are just so many dynamics in a family with many complicated and intermingling impacts.

If I were you and I could muster up the courage, I would go to the events. But I would only do it if I could appear strong, resolute, and in control. If you cannot do these things, you may want to avoid going.

There is much you did not share, understandably, that would significantly impact how I would frame my suggestions and input. We don't know how you relationship is with your mother and other siblings. How much antipathy you do or don't feel towards your parents for lack of support, etc. These things would have an effect on whether you would want to go or not.

Stay strong. You are not in the wrong and have no need for excuses for any decision you make.

Old 04-30-2004, 08:32 AM   #15
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Re: Desperate Dilemma

I feel for you. These type of posts really hurt to have to listen to. It makes this forum feel so inadequate at not being able to put your arms around someone to offer support and help protect them form these kind of monsters.

It never helps when the rest of the family doesn't react to you in a more sensitive, caring and understanding way for what you have had to and continue to go through. It could be that they don't know how to handle the shock of what they are faced with or in having to deal with some level of shame just knowing about it. It's almost as if they would rather not hear about it and want to continue acting like it is one big happy normal family when it isn't.

You should consider talking to your little brother and sister directly and asking them if they would understand and not be too disappointed if you didn't attend their graduation and go from there. You have every right not to attend these functions if your sick brother will be there as well and everyone else needs to understand this regardless of whether they agree with you or not.

I am having trouble understanding one statement made in the original post, when the little sister says "How could you not protect me?" Was she also molested? Do the parents and little brother know about this as well?

Talk to your little brother and sister directly. I would only be concerned about what your little brother and sister think about you not wanting to attend. Hopefully, they will understand. I wouldn't be to concerned about what mother has to say about it. After all, it is not her day.

Last edited by Hoop; 04-30-2004 at 08:34 AM.

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