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Old 05-01-2004, 04:10 AM   #1
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Should I include him in the house? I'm no kid.

Ok, here's a little history. I was divorced about 4 years ago after a 20 year marriage. My x husband signed over the marital home to me. I'm 41 years old. I didnt date untill 2 years after my divorce. I met (two years ago) this wonderful man. He suprised me with a very beautiful and expensive engagement ring on our one year anniversary. He is a very generous man with a gental spirt.
He moved in with me a month or so after our engagement. Prior to that he has helped me with my home as far as yard work and stuff like that ie: planting gardens and stuff. He always buys me flowers. One day I came home from work and he said he bought me a dozen roses (always does). He told me to go in the back yard, my dozen roses were out there. Well, much to my suprise, there was a dozen roses out there. It was a rose garden! 12 rose bushes with a little pond (home depot) with goldfish in the center of the rose garden.
Ok, fast forward to today. He is still very generous to me. If I want or need anything (all though I dont ask) I know he would be there for me. We have a wedding date set for the fall.
We have a wish list for our home, we went shopping last weekend and bought a bunch of stuff, new dishwasher, couch, area rug and a bunch of other stuff. He painted the outside of our house last week. Again, he is very generous and kind.
This post is longer than I wanted it to be. Our home is in my name only. I dont know if I should put him on the title or not. He hired a contracter today to do some work on the house ie: french doors in the bedroom, rescreen the lani, new sliding glass doors in the dining room etc. I didnt see the bill but I would imagine its expensive.
What should I do? I make a decent salary and my house is almost paid for and will be part of my retirement asset when and if I sell it. Its worth a nice price. What would you do? I love this man with all my heart. After typing all of this I think my problem is that I am feeling a little gun shy about relationships. What if my fiance decides to leave me (like my x)? My fiance would have equal rights to the home that I have worked so hard for.
Gosh! This was way too long and maybe should have been written in my journal. What do you guys think?

Marilyn
aka Tomsgirl
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Last edited by Tomsgirl; 05-01-2004 at 04:12 AM.

 
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Old 05-01-2004, 05:32 AM   #2
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Re: Should I include him in the house? I'm no kid.

I would NOT include him. I would let him know that immediately though so that anything he adds to the house he is aware it becomes your asset and not his. This is not cold or heartless, at your age it is nothing short of smart and practical. Protect your assets! You have already experienced an unexpected relationship bust. Life is unpredictable, regardless of love.

Share yourself with you fiancť, not your existing assets. One thing to consider is to get legal advice. In your state, once you get married, you may be vulnerable even without officially including him. Find this out and do what you need in order to protect yourself.

You may live out the rest of your life in bliss with this man - there is an unfortunate small chance you will not. Keep that in mind when protecting your future.

 
Old 05-01-2004, 05:41 AM   #3
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Re: Should I include him in the house? I'm no kid.

Sali,
You posted what I wanted to hear I guess. Any other takers......?

Marilyn
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Old 05-01-2004, 06:26 AM   #4
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Re: Should I include him in the house? I'm no kid.

If he hasn't brought this issue up himself, don't worry about it. Leave the home in your name alone. I understand your concern about not wanting to lose it if your marriage were to fail. Deal with this issue if and when it comes around, but that doesn't mean, ignore it. This is one of those issue that has the potential to sour the relationship a bit, if and when it is brought up, before or after marriage.

Not every guy out there is out to pull a con. He sounds like a wonderful man but I also agree, you should check the laws or better yet, consult a divorce attorney in your state on how property is divided in case of divorce and how best to protect your assests. In some states, everything is spit 50/50. In other states everything is split 50/50 on all assests accumulated since the marriage (marital assest). In some states, regardless of the law it seems everything is split 100% in favor of one spouse.

It's perfectly normal in our litigious society to consult with an attorney in cases like this. Do a search on "prenuptial agreements" in your state and you may find out more on how assests are divided based on whether they are kept separate or whether they are considered marital assests.

Congrats on your upcoming marriage.

 
Old 05-01-2004, 11:14 AM   #5
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Re: Should I include him in the house? I'm no kid.

Why did you leave out his income range and financial status? That would help an awful lot. If he already has money and doesn't need a house then I'd say you've got nothing to worry about. So far all you mentioned was that he's bought you roses and a ring.

I shouldn't conjecturize with so little info but it sounds like he's broke and needs a place to live. I bet putting his name on the deed was an idea he just recently brought up to you. He hired a contractor to do a bunch of work on your house but you seem to think already that you'll get stuck with the bill. Gee what a nice guy.

I have an uncle just like this. He's a very nice guy. He does all kinds of "nice" stuff but it's all free because he doesn't have a job. My aunt does and it's a very good one, along with a house and disposable income(and she's pretty). They've been together for 20 years so I guess they have an understanding. But if he ever decides to divorce and tries to get one cent out of her...

 
Old 05-01-2004, 12:26 PM   #6
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Re: Should I include him in the house? I'm no kid.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blizzard45
Why did you leave out his income range and financial status? That would help an awful lot. If he already has money and doesn't need a house then I'd say you've got nothing to worry about. So far all you mentioned was that he's bought you roses and a ring.

I shouldn't conjecturize with so little info but it sounds like he's broke and needs a place to live. I bet putting his name on the deed was an idea he just recently brought up to you. He hired a contractor to do a bunch of work on your house but you seem to think already that you'll get stuck with the bill. Gee what a nice guy.

I have an uncle just like this. He's a very nice guy. He does all kinds of "nice" stuff but it's all free because he doesn't have a job. My aunt does and it's a very good one, along with a house and disposable income(and she's pretty). They've been together for 20 years so I guess they have an understanding. But if he ever decides to divorce and tries to get one cent out of her...
Bliz,
For one, the "ring and roses" he bought me cost well over 6K (Six Thousand). I have the insurance papers for the ring that he gave me. At any rate, no, he doesant need a "place to live". He has not brought up the "idea" of putting his name on the deed either. Its my idea. And, I havent seen the bill for the contractor and I dont expect to. He paid him already. I never said that I thought I would get "stuck with the bill".

Sorry about your uncle. My man acts nothing like that. And no, he's not broke either.............

Marilyn
aka Tomsgirl
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A large group of professionals built the Titanic

 
Old 05-01-2004, 12:30 PM   #7
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Re: Should I include him in the house? I'm no kid.

Sali and Hoop,
Thanks for the sound advise. It's nothing I havent been thinking about, I just wanted to put this out here to see what others have to say.


Marilyn
aka Tomsgirl
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Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic

 
Old 05-01-2004, 12:35 PM   #8
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Should I include him in the house? I'm no kid.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blizzard45
Why did you leave out his income range and financial status? That would help an awful lot. If he already has money and doesn't need a house then I'd say you've got nothing to worry about. So far all you mentioned was that he's bought you roses and a ring.

I shouldn't conjecturize with so little info but it sounds like he's broke and needs a place to live. I bet putting his name on the deed was an idea he just recently brought up to you. He hired a contractor to do a bunch of work on your house but you seem to think already that you'll get stuck with the bill. Gee what a nice guy.

I have an uncle just like this. He's a very nice guy. He does all kinds of "nice" stuff but it's all free because he doesn't have a job. My aunt does and it's a very good one, along with a house and disposable income(and she's pretty). They've been together for 20 years so I guess they have an understanding. But if he ever decides to divorce and tries to get one cent out of her...
Your response is a very interesting example of how we all can be reading the same thing but internalize it is a totally different way. I didn't see any of those things you suggested in her explanation. I saw a guy with a fair amount of money spending it on his soon to be wife. As you noted, not a lot of details to go on from there. I hate speculation, so I won't even try to go beyond that.

I think keeping it solely in her name is the only reasonable thing to do. This is a little like selling a car to a friend. Don't ever do it. Donít sign your existing house over to a new love. Keep old business and new loves separate to avoid possible regret later. What you acquire together is shared, what you had before should remain only yours. At least that is my position on it.

 
Old 05-01-2004, 12:42 PM   #9
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Re: Should I include him in the house? I'm no kid.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
Your response is a very interesting example of how we all can be reading the same thing but internalize it is a totally different way. I didn't see any of those things you suggested in her explanation. I saw a guy with a fair amount of money spending it on his soon to be wife. As you noted, not a lot of details to go on from there. I hate speculation, so I won't even try to go beyond that.

I think keeping it solely in her name is the only reasonable thing to do. This is a little like selling a car to a friend. Don't ever do it. Donít sign your existing house over to a new love. Keep old business and new loves separate to avoid possible regret later. What you acquire together is shared, what you had before should remain only yours. At least that is my position on it.
Sali,
You sound like a very rational person and I thank you for your advise.

Marilyn
aka Tomsgirl
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Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic

 
Old 05-01-2004, 01:04 PM   #10
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Re: Should I include him in the house? I'm no kid.

I agree with the other folks as far as adding his name to your house prior to marriage.
As far as after the wedding, I can see it both ways.
You don't mention whether you have children from your first marriage. You may want all of the equity you have in your home to this point to belong to them for inheritance purposes.
I would recommend a visit with an attorney just to get all the facts before making such a big decision...

 
Old 05-01-2004, 01:20 PM   #11
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Re: Should I include him in the house? I'm no kid.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
I agree with the other folks as far as adding his name to your house prior to marriage.
As far as after the wedding, I can see it both ways.
You don't mention whether you have children from your first marriage. You may want all of the equity you have in your home to this point to belong to them for inheritance purposes.
I would recommend a visit with an attorney just to get all the facts before making such a big decision...
Ruth,
I do have one son, he will be 19 in November. Thanks for posting your opinion.

Marilyn
aka Tomsgirl
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Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic

 
Old 05-01-2004, 02:04 PM   #12
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Re: Should I include him in the house? I'm no kid.

Quote:
Bliz,
For one, the "ring and roses" he bought me cost well over 6K (Six Thousand). I have the insurance papers for the ring that he gave me. At any rate, no, he doesant need a "place to live". He has not brought up the "idea" of putting his name on the deed either. Its my idea. And, I havent seen the bill for the contractor and I dont expect to. He paid him already. I never said that I thought I would get "stuck with the bill".

Sorry about your uncle. My man acts nothing like that. And no, he's not broke either.............

Marilyn
aka Tomsgirl
I'm sorry if my post made you defensive but I was going off what info you had given and what I've seen happen in real life. I figured you had a reason/intuition for having some doubts and maybe that's why you posted here on a relationship board rather than at a legal consultation site. I'm glad he paid the contractor himself but does that mean he has a stake in your property now? It's something to think about before he pays for any more work done on your house.

 
Old 05-01-2004, 02:47 PM   #13
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Re: Should I include him in the house? I'm no kid.

I'm getting the feeling that after all this stuff he's doing for you, it's just a thought you have for reciprocation. Not necessary, he hasn't asked, don't offer. If you want him to have any say, thats what they made wills and living wills for. Thats where you can set specific limitations and guidelines. It's OK to stop and smell the roses without trying to analyze it.

 
Old 05-01-2004, 03:36 PM   #14
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Re: Should I include him in the house? I'm no kid.

I agree not to put the property in his name. The real decison that you need to make is whether or not, after you are married, to have a will made in which you decide whom the property will go to once you die. For most states, if you don't have a will, all the property will be divided between your husband and your child.

My house is in my name only and frankly, I like it that way. That doesn't necessarily protect me in the case of divorce though. I would have had to have gotten a prenuptual which I was not willing to do.

 
Old 05-01-2004, 06:47 PM   #15
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Re: Should I include him in the house? I'm no kid.

Quote:
Originally Posted by trystme
My house is in my name only and frankly, I like it that way. That doesn't necessarily protect me in the case of divorce though. I would have had to have gotten a prenuptual which I was not willing to do.
It's true tt doesn't automatically protect you. However, in some states, assets acquired by a party before marriage do not become joint assets after the marriage. This is why it is important to check your state laws on this.

 
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