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Old 05-02-2004, 12:29 PM   #1
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Join Date: Mar 2004
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annebash HB User
when I am needy, he rejects me...

First of all, please be kind. Im newly pregnant, possibly miscarrying, and in the middle of a hormonal surge that is driving me nuts. Im just feeling wierd about my husband. When we first met, and later married, I was (and still am to an extent) very independent and fairly secure about myself. He has always been a bit insecure, and was at first admittedly intimidated by me. So we dated. He would do anything for me and he always showed that he cared and I loved that about him and grew to love him. I had the "bad boy" thing going on in the past, and this was the first nice guy I fell for. We got married, had kids and the rest is history. things got icky between us. They got a bit better and we are working on it instead of working towards a divorce. We've had alot of outside stress and let it affect our marriage. When I thought he was leaving me, I became alot more open with him. I needed more from him, time, affection, conversation-all things I had never really demanded in the past. I thought he would like that. He always used to complain that I didnt open up or need him enough. Well, guess what?? he pulls away. When I was really down and needed his company, he left. He left me crying in our house, and I dont even know why. Im hormonal and pregnant now, and the other night we were talking on the phone (he works out of town every other week) and I was feeling insecure a bit and asked him if he was with me out of obligation. I told him I felt like a big burden to him as he kept walking away from he. He halfheartedly said I wasnt a burden and not to get all hormonal. I guess that conversation was a wake up call. I told myself that it was up to me to get through this as I cant really reach out to him without getting hurt. I then reminded myself that what made me fall in love with him was his openness and love for me. Without that, I dont know why Im here. My feelings have changed in that I am no longer feeling vulnerable with him. Im more mad that he would play these games with me. I honestly at this point think that he LOVING the fact that my neediness has put him in control of things. Ive thought this for a while, and the more I see, the more I believe it. He is probably relieved. HE was the insecure one, HE was the one intimidated by me initially, and now he finally feels like hes in charge, where as before he was feeling inadequate (not because of me-its more of a deep rooted problem for him that he has regarding EVERYTHING). So I pull back. Saw him yesterday to get something from him at work, and was tired and feeling crappy, and not my usual sobbing, needy self. lol. He immediately became insecure again. Paid me more attention. this is crap. Im 27. I feel like im back in high school. So in order for him to love me and pay attention to me and be there, I have to act like I dont care???????grrrrrrr. This guy has the maturity level of a 16 year old. Hes 31. Im just focusing on being the person I was before all this happened with him. I guess he loves the girl he married, not the truamatized girl I am right now. And you know what?? I love that girl more too. I am strong. I can do this. He even called me beautiful again yesterday, and I cant remember the last time I hear THAT from him. I just dont quite get this. Hes either clingy and codependent, or pulls away and is completely ABSENT. I dont think I like either guy that much. lol.

 
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Old 05-02-2004, 03:47 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Easton, Pa
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promisez HB User
Re: when I am needy, he rejects me...

So at first you were independant and he was needy, then it reversed, now it's going back the other way. People change, conditions change and socks get changed (we hope). Change can be good or bad, depending on if anyone is hurt in the process. You're both running hot and cold, switching faucets and going back to the appropriate temperatures as needed depending on daily feelings. Find the middle ground, the water needs to be lukewarm from interaction and communication. One can phrase things in a proper way like showing strength while discussing fears. You acted needy because you thought it would please him. It didn't please you either. If you are strong and respect yourself, others will emulate that and try to attain that attitude. Don't sell yours emotions and attitudes on life for free just to please others, you're more valuable than that. I pray you don't miscarry, I lost my son to Sids and prefer that no one ever go through the hell that I did.

 
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