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Old 05-03-2004, 08:54 AM   #1
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Unhappy How do I lead a normal relationship?

I am 21 years old. Before my current boyfriend, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 and a half years. During this time, i was excessively cheated on, had my self esteem dropped to levels i never knew existed. I began to feel depressed...i was disgusted with my looks, because i kept thinking...if he was cheating on me, then there is obviously something wrong with me, maybe he doesn't like the way i look, i'm too fat, i'm this, i'm that....it was horrible....i since then have had issues with bulemia where I would binge and purge because I felt I had no control over what I was doing and that was my only way to control myself. Over six months ago, I decided to finally get rid of him once and for all. I now have a wonderful boyfriend who I know I can trust (he's actually my brother's best friend and roommate) and who has treated me with more respect than I have ever experienced. I have enjoyed the past six months, not only with him, but I began hanging out with my friends again. Anyway. the point of this post is....even tho i have a fabulous boyfriend, for some reason, I still get jealous and when he goes out, i think he's cheating on me (even though he isn't.) he thinks i feel this way because I was so insecure before and i ALWAYS had to worry about those kinds of things...and this weekend, his friends from home came to visit him at school (we go to temple university in Philly) and he went out the whole weekend with them and then to atlantic city and only called me twice the whole weekend....and I KNOW i am over reacting because that is more than any other person would get when they go out with their friends, but I still feel like I deserve more. (I dont' khow how much more I can get because he ALWAYS hangs out with me and shows how much he cares for me). I think maybe it's because the only way I was able to keep my exboyfriend from cheating on me was to make sure I was with him all the time. and now that I have a trusting boyfriend, I don't know how to begin to trust. It's weird because my bf knows all of this, and knows of my past relationship and knows my trusting issues...and tries sooo hard to help me out with trusting him.....but for some reason, I can't.....i am going to a psychiatrist when I go home for the summer just to help me out on some of my issues, but AHHHH i don't know what to do, I know everyone prolly thinks I am just overreacting but I really get my self upset over this and i don't know what to do...helllllp me

 
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Old 05-03-2004, 09:34 AM   #2
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Re: How do I lead a normal relationship?

This is normal and will happen. I am sorry that you had to expierence a guy like that but its greats that you are now out. You ex. did a lot to you by changing the way you think, act, and approach in a relationship. He did this the the abuse and the cheating.

Its great you now have a great guy and I hope he understands your feelings. You are seeking help with a psychiatrist and thats the most you can do at this time. You will have insecurities from the past relationship but they will pass over.

 
Old 05-03-2004, 09:36 AM   #3
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Re: How do I lead a normal relationship?

I think that you have the right idea by going to see a counselor. Does your school have counseling available? When I was in college, the students in the counseling department gave free counseling to any student who wanted it because they needed the practice. It helped me at the time.

You cannot make your current boyfriend responsible for your insecure feelings. It is not his fault that you think that he is cheating on you and he does not owe you more than his love, fidelity, and support.

Deeper than the issue of why you are now so insecure is the question of why you allowed yourself to be treated so badly in the first place. I hope that you talk to a professional about that.

 
Old 05-03-2004, 03:32 PM   #4
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Re: How do I lead a normal relationship?

like I tell everyone else - we get so consumed with our S/O if they are "cheating" on us we forget about ourselves. I hope you didn't waste a weekend driving yourself crazy wondering what your boyfriend was doing? I hope you were having your own fun...This is where you can let go of your insecurites by having your own life and enjoying what you like to do instead of wasting time "wondering" what your boyfriend is doing...

Atlantic City gets crazy and busy that time flies by while taking in a show or busy gambling, and having fun with the friends your with...It doesn't mean he loves you any less or is taking this time to cheat on you. He's just taking a break from school and catching up with friends doing what friends do when they are together...

You could have taken the time to catch up with your girlfriends, gone to a Spa, Bar, Gym, shopping, hang out on South Street if it's still a College hang out or gone to a Phillies game...

If you love your boyfriend and he loves you, your having a fun, happy, fullfilled relationship then you need to think positive and know that you have a man who loves you...Put on a Smile and be happy....

 
Old 05-04-2004, 06:40 AM   #5
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Re: How do I lead a normal relationship?

Sometimes when we haven't given ourselves time to fully heal after a bad relationship, a new relationship can kind of suffer from the "echos" of the past.

Only you can know if your jealousy could end up damaging your new relationship. Do I understand correctly that you are going to have some distance between you this summer while you are in counseling?
This might work out to EVERYone's benefit - The counseling will help give you perspective and the distance will help your relationship while you are working on things.
I hope you continue to check in here over the summer to let us know how you are doing!

 
Old 05-05-2004, 09:33 AM   #6
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Re: How do I lead a normal relationship?

No we will not have time in between, since we live around the same area at home as well as go to school together. The good thing is that we had a talk last night about this, because i expressed my feelings and concerns to him. i felt bad for bothering him with my concerns and feelings, but then he reassured me that my feelings aren't stupid and that when something doesn't feel right, then I need to tell him. He told me that everything was okay and that he understands why I feel the way I do and will help me in every way to overcome those feelings. He said he will stand by me 100% when I go to counseling. He told me just because he goes out with his friends, doesn't mean he is cheating on me, or does not want to hang out with me. It just simply means that he wants to spend time wiht friends because next to his family and girlfriend, they are the most important people in his life. He mentioned that one thing he wishes was that I had more time to focus on myself when i broke up with my ex...(meaning, i jumped into a new relationship without letting myself heal.) we both agree that we don't want to seperate because of this, which is why he tries to tell me he will help me out any way i need. He wants me to start hanging out with my friends more, and for one night a week, just FORGET ABOUT HIM, and go out and enjoy myself. Go out to clubs or parties, or even just have a girls night out. He just wants me to enjoy my life. Sometimes I get jealous of him because he is sooo social and has so many friends, and then I have a group of my best friends and am kind of shy when I meet new people. But the only person who can change that is me. He tries to help me out a lot, when we go out, he brings me in the conversation and always tries to involve me. He is such a wonderful person, but sometimes I do wish i had more time to let myself heal. I need to learn what it feels like to be selfish and focus only on myself. I have never done this because I have always had a boyfriend, since I was 14 years old. WHen i was 14, i dated a boy for a year and a half. And then when I was 16, i started dating my ex and that lasted til i was 20. and now my current boyfriend. SOmetimes I think i depend on guys too much, or just love that feeling of comfort. I'm not sure exactly what it is. Do u think it's a mistake to stay with my current boyfriend? He's so willing to try and help me, but do u think it is possible to be helped when I have a boyfriend?? I don't know. I really care about him. Soooo confusing....

 
Old 05-05-2004, 09:54 AM   #7
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Re: How do I lead a normal relationship?

Why on earth do you want to end this Nice relationship with this nice guy you mentioned?

Look, your last post was good, you know what you have to do...Get yourself a life for yourself and you can have both your life and a life with your boyfriend.

I for one, can tell you how to be Selfish with yourself. IT's doing things for yourself that MAKES YOU HAPPY. Since you have always had a boyfriend by your side to depend on, You DO need time to Yourself to figure out who you are and what you like. Keep your Nice Boyfriend, and you can also spend time for yourself til you figure out what you like.

god, there is so much in life you can do - It's finding what you like and dislike that is the Fun part of it all. You try something and if you don't like it, you move on and at least you can say..Well, I tried that and it wasn't for me.

Good Luck.

 
Old 05-05-2004, 09:58 AM   #8
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eightball61 HB User
Re: How do I lead a normal relationship?

You may just love the feeling of the comfort but it does seem you got a good guy here. You last guy was a bad egg and like stated its going to take sometime for you to get over this. Just give it sometime and start to retrust a person.

 
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