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Old 05-04-2004, 02:22 AM   #1
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Speechie HB User
Thumbs down I am driving myself crazy

I borke up with my ex eight months ago and still have trouble letting go. I thought that we were going to get married - we talked about it and even looked at rings. I had went away for a weekend and came back and all of a sudden things were different. He wanted to slow down - we got into a huge fight and he said he didn't know what he wanted. we made up, but I had a feeling he wasn't being honest. So i went looking for evidence on his computer - which was wrong - and found out that the weekend I went away he went out drinking with his ex - and wrote verbatim "we fought most of the night and then we went home together." I then read that he had seen her about five times since we started dating - and how to him she lit up a room and I always looked sad and was boring. He later took back the boring comment.

I was crushed. I took everything out of his house. I called him and called him on it, he denied it, and when I said I didn't believe him, he said "what did you do, look on my computer?" I said it was the smartest most dishonest think I had ever done. And that it was over. I turned off my cell because I needed to stay strong and I was scared over what had happened. I am not a big confrontation person.

He left a message saying he didn't cheat, but he did talk on the phone with his ex and hang out with her but he didn't tell me because he didn't think that i needed to know and it was ****** that i looked on him computer and if that was how it was going to be then we shouldn't be together anyway.

i called back and apologized for looking on him computer and stated that I didn't think things were adding up and that it was wrong - but why didn't he tell me they were hanging out. All the while stressing the need that we needed to talk.

we never did. I even wrote a letter three weeks later saying that despite how things ended I was glad I met him and fell in love with him and that I wished him the best of luck.

no response from him.

About eight weeks ago, I ran into my ex's stepmother and she stated she didn't know why we broke up that we were the perfect couple and I was the best girlfriend that he ever had and on and on. at first, I said I didn't want to cross into that, but she kept going and kept asking. So I told her that we wasn't completely honest about the nature of the relationship with his ex girlfriend, but I also mentioned how I found out and stated that was wrong on my part - but that bulk it up to woman's intuition. I also stated that I thought he was great guy and that I wished him the best.

Well my friend saw my ex out one night and he mentioned that his stepmother said I said he cheated on me. And could she just tell me that he didn't cheat on me.

Looking back, it was wrong of me to tell his family what happened, that I overstepped the lines. and I could see that making him angry with me.

However, we never had closure. ANd I continue to feel guilt for the way I found out about everything, how I handled it and now for saying something that i shouldn't have.

I tried calling him to get closure last week. He never returned my call. He was probably like, why is she calling now. My message just said that I was wondering how he was and could he call me back.

I feel like he hates me and I hate that. I hate that i never allowed myself to be angry with him because I continued to blame myself for the part I played. I kept picking all these instances apart where I could said something different, or anything.

Truth of it is, he was just probably not over her, and that I was rebound relationship that went where he didn't expect it to go.

We haven't seen or spoke to one another since the day we broke up.

I am still so nervous to see him out.

I don't know if I should talk to him to get closure or let it go. And if I let it go, how do I do that?

I have thought of going to counselor to get help, just because I can't keep tortuing myself.

Please be honest with your reponses.

Thanks.

 
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Old 05-04-2004, 04:18 AM   #2
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promisez HB User
Re: I am driving myself crazy

Quote:
Originally Posted by Speechie
He left a message saying he didn't cheat, but he did talk on the phone with his ex and hang out with her but he didn't tell me because he didn't think that i needed to know and it was [edited out by Dave] that i looked on him computer and if that was how it was going to be then we shouldn't be together anyway.
As we've seen in past presidents even, when caught dead to rights, place the blame elsewhere whenever possible, no matter how stupid it sounds. He got caught but it's YOUR fault because you checked his computer? If he had acted like a boyfriend that would never have happened. So we blame someone else, hope they say something wrong and then use that statement to deny everything. Better you end up looking for a new boyfriend after some time for yourself rather then one who has so little respect for you.

Last edited by promisez; 05-04-2004 at 04:19 AM.

 
Old 05-04-2004, 05:01 AM   #3
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: I am driving myself crazy

I for one don't think you did anything wrong. You followed your instincts and found what you needed. ****** or not....I know myself and others would have done the same. As for telling the step-mother, that's a iffy...You did what you did and don't aplogoize or give another thought about it. Your hurt, angry, confused, and ****** off all in one and you were just trying to be nice and honest....

As for closure....What more do you need? You found the proof needed, he denied everything at first, then told you yeah, he was w/his ex...But he didn't sleep with her....You may find out differently or you may never get the truth...As for the closure you are seeking for, what good will come of it? Ask yourself what is it that will make it a done deal with your relationship? DO you want your boyfriend to say "I'm Sorry"? I did love you? I'm sure he feels those thoughts but who's to say....If you will hear them or if you don't?

I know your hurting and life just threw you a curve ball, but try to let it go and start a new chapter in your life without him. Be glad you found out what you did without further lying or cheating from him....Make the finding of your snooping your closure - to me That is Enought to end it...

Hope this helps.

 
Old 05-04-2004, 05:06 AM   #4
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catm HB User
Re: I am driving myself crazy

I agree with promisez. He got caught, knows it, but doesn't have the maturity to own up to admit to it. Move on. You've gotten closure, just not the positive closure you're looking for. You admit you were inappropriate in telling his step-mom, but why is it that he hadn't told his family the truth? Because he knows he did wrong. If someone wrongs you, wouldn't you want to get the story out about how you were wronged? He didn't tell his family the truth, because he knows it will make him look bad. Move on, he doesn't deserve your time anymore.

 
Old 05-04-2004, 07:33 AM   #5
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: I am driving myself crazy

This is the common cycle of questions that you deal with whenever a relationship ends abruptly or without that "closure." The problem is that you are spinning your wheels needlessly. I agree with GirlHarley (as usual!) --what do you want to hear from him??? My next question would be "Even if he said everything you ever needed/wanted him to....even if he answered every question you ever had....COULD YOU BELIEVE HIM??? Probably not. It would only lead to MORE questions. Unfortunately for you, you will have to find your own closure. You will never know exactly what happened. You can only attempt to fill in the gaps by yourself--with nothing but speculation, which is guaranteed to be inaccurate. Do yourself a favor and try to come to terms with Not Knowing. It's all you can do for yourself. And if you see him out?? DON'T apologize. DON'T approach him. You have nothing to apologize for. And nothing to be embarrassed about. You want to know why he disappeared? B/c he is a coward who didnt want to have to deal with the aftermath. Does it make it easier? No. But the guilt rests on his shoulders. Not yours.

 
Old 05-04-2004, 08:14 AM   #6
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: I am driving myself crazy

Quote:
Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
This is the common cycle of questions that you deal with whenever a relationship ends abruptly or without that "closure." The problem is that you are spinning your wheels needlessly. I agree with GirlHarley (as usual!) --what do you want to hear from him??? My next question would be "Even if he said everything you ever needed/wanted him to....even if he answered every question you ever had....COULD YOU BELIEVE HIM??? Probably not. It would only lead to MORE questions. Unfortunately for you, you will have to find your own closure. You will never know exactly what happened. You can only attempt to fill in the gaps by yourself--with nothing but speculation, which is guaranteed to be inaccurate. Do yourself a favor and try to come to terms with Not Knowing. It's all you can do for yourself. And if you see him out?? DON'T apologize. DON'T approach him. You have nothing to apologize for. And nothing to be embarrassed about. You want to know why he disappeared? B/c he is a coward who didnt want to have to deal with the aftermath. Does it make it easier? No. But the guilt rests on his shoulders. Not yours.
thanks Newlywedgurl - and I also like what your posted too.
Hope you had an awesome time on your trip...

 
Old 05-04-2004, 08:49 AM   #7
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: I am driving myself crazy

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
thanks Newlywedgurl - and I also like what your posted too.
Hope you had an awesome time on your trip...
Oh, WOW....we had the BEST time....neither of us wanted to come back!! Went jetskiing & saw some porpoises (Porpoi??) and a HUGE manta ray...it was awesome! THe last night there, we ate at a really great restaurant...is more like a treehouse or a multi-level tiki hut w/outstanding food. Dh apparently arranged for our waiter to bring out dessert and champagne after our meal, which was so sweet and very romantic (by that time, we had the restaurant to ourselves!) I really do love that man!!!!

 
Old 05-04-2004, 08:52 AM   #8
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: I am driving myself crazy

Quote:
Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
Oh, WOW....we had the BEST time....neither of us wanted to come back!! Went jetskiing & saw some porpoises (Porpoi??) and a HUGE manta ray...it was awesome! THe last night there, we ate at a really great restaurant...is more like a treehouse or a multi-level tiki hut w/outstanding food. Dh apparently arranged for our waiter to bring out dessert and champagne after our meal, which was so sweet and very romantic (by that time, we had the restaurant to ourselves!) I really do love that man!!!!

Great! I'm Glad You enjoyed yourself and your husband enjoyed his birthday!
BTW...that Mad Russian thing WORKED!

 
Old 05-04-2004, 09:04 AM   #9
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: I am driving myself crazy

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
Great! I'm Glad You enjoyed yourself and your husband enjoyed his birthday!
BTW...that Mad Russian thing WORKED!
What Mad Russian?? I'm lost!

Was going to tell you, btw, that I am starting the gym today after work.....be proud of me!!!

 
Old 05-04-2004, 09:21 AM   #10
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: I am driving myself crazy

OH!!! The hypno dude??? Did you go???

 
Old 05-04-2004, 09:36 AM   #11
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Kay33 HB User
Re: I am driving myself crazy

Give yourself ALOT more time to heal. Trying to contact him so you can clarify that he was 'dishonest' instead of 'cheating' will only make this worse. When he's unresponsive, you feel more compelled to 'explain' yourself. In the end, it doesn't change anything, and delays getting over him.
You've apologized for snooping, whether you were justified or not --forgive yourself for it and move on.
If he does hate you, it's because you caught him in a lie, and he's not man enough to stand up and admit he was wrong. Be glad you discovered how selfish he is, his PRIDE is more important to him than you. Stop wasting your energy and find someone who deserves you.

Kay

 
Old 05-04-2004, 10:10 AM   #12
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: I am driving myself crazy

Quote:
Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
OH!!! The hypno dude??? Did you go???
Sorry, i just got back from the gym Played a bad game today of racketball! LOL
YES! the hypno dude..LOL, yes I went and I'm feeling GREAT!
I also lost 3pounds!
have fun at the gym today - stinks the first few days but then you get so motivated - toned, losing weight, happy, energy...GOOD LUCK@

 
Old 05-04-2004, 10:16 AM   #13
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promisez HB User
Re: I am driving myself crazy

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
YES! the hypno dude..LOL, yes I went and I'm feeling GREAT! I also lost 3pounds!
When you hear the word chicken, you will cluck four times and have an insatiable urge to set anyone named promisez up on a date

 
Old 05-04-2004, 10:34 AM   #14
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: I am driving myself crazy

Quote:
Originally Posted by promisez
When you hear the word chicken, you will cluck four times and have an insatiable urge to set anyone named promisez up on a date

LOL! Well, I can think of a few woman for you but you have to come to Boston...I know your bio and you haven't scared me off on fixing you up with some woman I know who are in your age bracket.
The Mad Russian was for my freakin panic attacks -

NEWYLWEDGURL - I messaged you on the other board so we don't upset the post on our discussion..

Sorry to the post -

 
Old 05-04-2004, 10:46 AM   #15
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excaliburgrl HB User
Re: I am driving myself crazy

okay, somebody needs to tell my hubby how to be romantic! i think he's forgotten how...lol....

to the poster, i think you need to move on....he's being really immature by not even contacting you....i don't think you need closure cause you already have it....he's lied to you, called you names (boring), and he evidently cannot give up his ex...

and now the jerk is coming back and telling you to recant your statement to his family...maybe you should contact her to clear things up, but do it for yourself, not him....i think you had every right to tell the family....she was digging for it wasn't she?

you just need to move on and forget this jerk ever existed...

as for the woman intuition thing...i had a gut feeling my hubby was up to something too...i did some digging and found what i was looking for...i think people sometimes need to do a little digging when you know something just isn't right...don't blame yourself for that...

 
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