Hi. Ive been with my bf for 2 and a half years now, we are really good together and i know i want to be with him forever. He feels the same about me too. We are engaged to be married . But the thing is i really want to have a baby, but he says he doesnt want one yet. I know he loves kids and he would make the perfect father. The other day i was looking through the mothercare catalogue (we were at his sisters house and she is expecting )and he asked me what i was looking at so i lifted it up to show him and he asked me to sit next to him. He was looking with me and i was saying oh i like that and isnt that cute and he was agreeing. Then all of a sudden he leant forward and took his arm back from round me and said i dont want a baby yet. This made me think that he must have been starting to think about having a baby because i didnt mention anything about us having a baby. We have discussed having babies many times and he knows i want one. He has also been talking about our friends baby a lot lately. How can i try to get him to have a baby, i know he will in his own time, but i feel so ready now. I need to convince him, but how can i do that?
You can't. And if you try to force an ultimatum you just may lose him also. Either bide your time or get a new boyfriend. If you ever try to "force" him into it, he will resent you and the baby for years feeling he was cheated. Set a reasonable time frame and discuss it with him. There is a middle ground, you just have to set it between the two of you in a conversation.
How do you convince him? How about How can HE convince YOU that he is not ready. Your thinking only of what You Want and not listening to Your boyfriend. Your reading into this thoughts because he likes babies, shared a moment with you looking at a baby magainze, is good with babies...
You can be all that, but Still not be ready to take on the HUGH responsiblity of having a baby and raising a child.
When it comes time to having a baby, you don't go around trying to Convince someone what they want or what You think will be Good For Them just to get what you want. Why would you want to bypass your marriage, being a married couple, saving for a house if you don't already have one, enjoy just the two of you, there is plenty of time having a child after your married. If your "needs" having having a baby is so strong...Wait for your sister in law to have hers and offer to babysit her new little one or visit her often and help her out and see how you feel....
^^^ I have tried to tell myself that it would be better to wait for all kinds of reasons, but what you have said "enjoy just the two of you" is such a good reason to wait. In fact that is exactly what im going to do. We havent even been on holiday together yet, not even for 1 night. I think that is what our relationship needs right now, a holiday together. Thankyou sooo much.
^^^ I have tried to tell myself that it would be better to wait for all kinds of reasons, but what you have said "enjoy just the two of you" is such a good reason to wait. In fact that is exactly what im going to do. We havent even been on holiday together yet, not even for 1 night. I think that is what our relationship needs right now, a holiday together. Thankyou sooo much.
A lot of women usually prematurely want a baby because there is a void in the relationship (which is not 'in your face' enough to actually SEE it) and the baby is a way of filling it. Under those circumstances, the relationship sinks like the Titanic.
You can't convince him....This is a decision that you both will have to talk about and make. Talk to him and see when he would like to have one at hiis point in life. He may want to wait till you both are married and have a good place to raise a child.
I to would love to have a child but I want to wait until I know I am ready and will be able to give my child a good life. Being 22 I don't think that can happen yet.
If I read your original post right, you aren't even married yet! Be thankful that he's open to the idea someday, but take things as they come...so many people rush into the "baby thing" and never have time to enjoy each other OR to settle down before having kids. I've been with my guy for well over 4 years and we aren't even engaged yet. In our hopes for our relationship, we want to get married in a few years, enjoy being together for a few more, and not have kids until we are in our 30s (I am 24, he's 23). Why do people feel the need to rush this so much?
I have a friend who is getting married this July. She's already talking about how she wants to try for a baby on her wedding night. He's losing his job this summer and they barely can make ends meet NOW. Why would they do something like this? I agree with whoever mentioned a void....so many people are empty inside and have a baby to patch things up. Please don't do this...wait until the conditions are RIGHT to have a baby!
I don't know how old you are, but if you're my age, your feelings and opinions are still changing a LOT! Last month, my boyfriend was insistent that we adopt someday because he doesn't want to overpopulate the Earth. Last week, he said he's much more open to the idea of having children of our own because he feels he can make a difference in other ways. Your guy sounds very open-minded about the issue and will probably change his tune in due time. It's not like he's saying he NEVER wants to have kids, right?
1. Babies are cute yes but they aren't babies for long.
2. Babies are more expensive than you could ever imagine.
3. Everyone offers to be the best babysitter you could have WHILE you are pregnant. In three years time, try and find a babysitter for a party you and everyone else are desperate to go to. You will lose YEARS of your social life.
4. Babies never bring couples who have problems closer together. They only emphasise them.
5. You never realise how long it takes to rear that 'baby' until you look back many years later and have noticed that your 20s and 30s passed without any real significance other than being a mother.
Some people feel that if two people love each other, then they share these sorts of life decisions and problems. Like, for example, if you marry a man and he never wants kids, then you just accept the fact that you will never have kids. I personally feel this kind of love only exists in the movies. Your fiance doesn't sound like he's totally turned off from the idea of having kids, he just wants to wait a while, which I think might be a good idea. You don't say how old you are, but if you're in your early to mid 20s, you still have some time. Discuss some sort of time table, when would be a good time for you to start your family, and see if you can come to some sort of agreement. I do think these types of things are things people should work out before marriage. My brother knew a guy whose wife was on a shorter time table than he was. She wanted the house, the car, then she wanted to quit her job and have a baby. He was busting his hump at work just to afford the house and car, let alone adding a baby to the mix, so he stopped having sex with her. That's all I know, but I bet the marriage didn't last much longer. make sure the two of you are on the same page before you say I do. set a time table you both can live with. You may discuss the possibility of 5 years down the road he decides he never wants kids. Then what?
I agree with everyone above. I didn't have my baby until I was 28. I didn't meet Mr. Right until I was 26. I got married 10 months later and immediately got pregnant only to miscarry it four months later. I had two boys, then another miscarriage, and finally a boy.
I am a mother of three active boys. It is NOT fun. It is a lot of hard work; raising a baby requires a lot of commitment from BOTH of you; it's EXPENSIVE (average cost of a baby per year is approximately $5,000 or more - don't forget diapers, formula, clothes, babysitter fees, doctor visits, furniture, baby food, etc, etc.); you lose a lot of sleep; your moods change; your relationship (whether it's long term or married) WILL DEFINITELY change when a baby comes along; you both lose your independence. I could go on and on, but I will stop here.
Please just sit back, relax, and enjoy your relationship with your fiance as much as you can. When your fiance is ready, you both can have a baby. That way you both will enjoy it very much because you both know what you are getting into. If you deliberately get pregnant, you will lose your fiance or your relationship will sink like a Titanic (whoever said that, I like it lol). He will hold it against you for the rest of your lives.
When you go on vacation with your fiance, PLEASE DO GET ON BIRTH CONTROL PILLS! Don't ruin your wonderful relationship by deliberately getting pregnant.
Last edited by LuvMyBostons; 05-04-2004 at 03:22 PM.
Thankyou for all your replies. I am only 20 my bf is 22. Our relationship is really good, we do argue, but nothing serious. I have tried so hard to stop myself from wanting a baby right now. No matter what i do ths longing for a baby will not go away. Obviously there is an emptiness inside that i feel can only be filled by having a baby. Maybe i should concentrate on why there is an emptiness and try and sort it out in another way. I have an idea why i feel this way and it is nothing to do with my relationship, my fiance is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Thankyou for all your replies. I am only 20 my bf is 22. Our relationship is really good, we do argue, but nothing serious. I have tried so hard to stop myself from wanting a baby right now. No matter what i do ths longing for a baby will not go away. Obviously there is an emptiness inside that i feel can only be filled by having a baby. Maybe i should concentrate on why there is an emptiness and try and sort it out in another way. I have an idea why i feel this way and it is nothing to do with my relationship, my fiance is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Instead on concentrating on a baby maybe try it on the relationship more. You are both young and hopefully have many years ahead of you. Sit with him and try to plan both of your futures on what you want out of the relationship and at what point you want it to happen. Its like making a timeline. Figure out when you want to get married, get a house, a baby, ect.
Come on, girl...you've got at LEAST 15 years ahead of you to decide to have a baby and when you DO....it should be in a VERY committed relationship. You will be tied to that man for the rest of your life--like it or not. And let me tell you....you can't send 'em back once they have arrived. It's not like getting a puppy and deciding it's too much to handle!! You can't put an ad in the paper "Free to Good Home!"
I would bet you are thinking more of the cutesy of having a child and less about the sleepless nights, spit up on your favorite shirts, not being able to go out and even have dinner without hiring a sitter.....
Just the way that your "longing" is coming across is shouting that you are not ready for a child, yet. YET!! But SOMEday you will be a great mom who was READY for her baby!!! Stop wishing your life away. It goes fast enough as it is!
People can have goals and dreams at a young age. Some people don't want to have a child at 35 some want one at 20 or 25. I am not sticking up for her because I believe she should wait out and concetrate on other needs or goal. There is nothing wrong(that i believe) in wanting a child when one feels they are ready...but they have to be ready for it.
Thankyou for all your replies. I am only 20 my bf is 22. Our relationship is really good, we do argue, but nothing serious. I have tried so hard to stop myself from wanting a baby right now. No matter what i do ths longing for a baby will not go away.
Goldie, don't tell us about your "feelings". Those are pretty apparent. Acting on feelings alone is often the root of great difficulty and frustration that follows.
Tell us about how you will deal with the realities that many hear have posted. Can you afford it? Are you in a committed secure relationship (marriage is a reasonable manifestation of being committed and secure). Do you have all the financial resources and insurance you would need if your pregnancy or your baby end up with medical needs? Do you have a career goal? How does having a baby at 20 fit into this. Are you able to look at things and deal with life from a rational perspective and not only from a “I feel it so I want it” perspective?
i agree with a lot of the advice already given...i had my first child when i was 19 and i was too young...and ever since she has passed away i have wanted another..."empty arms syndrome"....
but i knew for a long time after i met my now hubby that i wasn't emotionally ready for that yet...then, last summer i realized i was finally ready but we couldn't then cause he was leaving for basic training...we decided we would wait until we got to our first base together...so about 2 months ago i quit taking the pill...then soon after we had our marital problems so trying was out of the picture again...not only that, but i've had a hard time finding a job so we aren't financially stable enough for one...
i can understand the longing well, but you want to do right for your child...you can't force your guy to be ready...my hubby has been aching for one for a long time, but he understands that the time isn't right yet...
you'll get there...this isn't back in the day when women had families in their late teens...we are waiting until much later now...take care
you'll get there...this isn't back in the day when women had families in their late teens...we are waiting until much later now...take care
People are waiting much longer but there is still a high number of young pregnancy's today. Most of these are unwanted but there are some that are.
I know at my age of 22 i would love to have a child but I know deep down I am not ready yet. Some people actually are and do well with having a child at 20 or 25. My sis had hers at the age of 24 and the child is in great care and have loving parents.
yes i agree jeff...it's hard on me too since a lot of my friends are in their early 20's too and having kids...but they are ready for it financially and emotionally...some of us are ready at younger ages, but some of us aren't....i'd give anything for a baby right now, but it's not time yet
Odd, a lot of women I know who have seen a pregnant lady say first thing they see is how well she's treated, how loving she is to her unborn child, everyone saying how wonderful it is for her...blah blah blah. Sometimes it was even the pregnant one saying to her friend "Have one with me, that would be soooo great!" Not really sure what I'm saying, being a guy, but it just seems odd how pregnancy is like a communicable disease sometimes, allowing someone else who is not ready for a baby to make such an emotional based decision, rather then one based upon facts and the desires of a mate tossed in.
I really want to have a baby 
. But the thing is i really want to have a baby, but he says he doesnt want one yet. I know he loves kids and he would make the perfect father. The other day i was looking through the mothercare catalogue (we were at his sisters house and she is expecting 
)and he asked me what i was looking at so i lifted it up to show him and he asked me to sit next to him. He was looking with me and i was saying oh i like that and isnt that cute and he was agreeing. Then all of a sudden he leant forward and took his arm back from round me and said i dont want a baby yet. This made me think that he must have been starting to think about having a baby because i didnt mention anything about us having a baby. We have discussed having babies many times and he knows i want one. He has also been talking about our friends baby a lot lately. How can i try to get him to have a baby, i know he will in his own time, but i feel so ready now. I need to convince him, but how can i do that? 
TAKE YOUR BIRTH CONTROL ON YOUR HOLIDAY!!!! 
