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Old 05-05-2004, 01:35 AM   #1
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Honeychild HB User
He Told Me Not To Tell My Husband

Hi everyone:

I was so stressed about this earlier today, (still am!)that I did not know what to do with myself. I was so tense and anxious that I now have a stress headache.

This is what happened.

We had a house inspection today,and my landlord came by. My husband was at work, and so it was just me and the dog at home. Anyway, he had wanted to do some work out the back too (that should have only taken 10minutes).

So I cleaned the house thoroughly beforehand, got dressed this morning, and put on just my jeans and a T-shirt. Nothingsexy, or revealing in the slightest. No makeup at all, as I was just at home.

Anyway, he came by, did a quick look through the house, and then went outside to do the job. I opened the door for him and went out with him.
Well, we started to chat, just normal chit chat conversation. He started to turn things personal later. Started to talk about th eproblems he was having in his marriage, and how women threw themselves at him etc etc. Yes, he is a handsome man. Anyway, he started to tell me that he thought I was gorgeous from the first time he saw me, and whilst he was talking, he would touch my arm in conversation.

He had asked for a glass of water and I got him one. At that point, it was just all very innocent.
In the time he was here, he had 3 glasses of water and then on the way out, he wanted to come inside to put the glass down, and luckily, I told him I would do it for him, and then he left. I don't know if he would have tried something on me if I had let him in. (sigh)

Anyway, the thing is I HARDLY know him. This is the third time I have ever seen him. he was here for 2 hours, when it should have just been a 10 minute job.
I felt very uncomfortable, and did not know how to handlethe situation, and I was praying that he didn't try anything on me. It really stressed me out!!! And I couldn't wait for him to leave.

When he finally did leave, he said to me NOT to tell my husband about what he said to me and spoke to me about, as my hsuband may not let him back in here again.
I told him I wouldn't, but I am having second thoughts about it. The thing is if I tell husband, he may get upset, and then its going to cause problems.

What should I do?

 
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Old 05-05-2004, 02:01 AM   #2
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TomsWife HB User
Re: He Told Me Not To Tell My Husband

So what DID your husband say when YOU TOLD HIM? You have to tell your husband! You dont know this man and he could be dangerous. I would never let him come over again with out my husband being home.
He has no control over you. Tell your husband. The jerk is right any husband in his right mind would "not let him come back over".

Marilyn
aka Tomsgirl
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Old 05-05-2004, 02:29 AM   #3
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Honeychild HB User
Re: He Told Me Not To Tell My Husband

HI Tomsgirl

Yes, I think it was highly inappropriate that he told me all that stuff, and about the affairs he has had with othr women because they find him so "attractive". I made a comment about the crucifix he was wearing and he told me it was a gift from another woman he had an affair with, whilst he was travelling and not to tell his wife!!!!
Like I even know her well enough to disclose anything like that!

The thing is he owns this house, not us. so he is our landlord.

I know for sure I will never be here alone with him. No way! I am scared he would try something on me, if he was given the chance to be alone with me again.

You know, I really didn't need any of this today. I am under so much stress already with family problems, that I feel like i could break. Today was meant to be an easy day for me, didn't turn out that way! Just an anxious stress day.

If I tellmy husband, it's going to cause more problems. I just don't think I can handle anymore stress righht now.

 
Old 05-05-2004, 02:45 AM   #4
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Re: He Told Me Not To Tell My Husband

Next time he comes around, try to make sure your husband or someone else is there. If he comes unannounced and you are alone, tell him it's a bad time for you and he should come back at a more appropriate time. If he makes you uncomfortable, tell him to leave. You're renting, you can move if things escalate. And yes, you should tell your husband in a toned-down way so as not to upset him too much, but so that you have a 'witness' to what is going on. If he's goodlooking and not used to women putting him off, you'll have to make it extra-clear to him that you are not interested. No more 2-hour visits and 3 waters. One glass to be polite and then tell him you are going to get the groceries or do washing or whatever, that should be his tactful hint. No one should ever be telling you not to tell your husband something, you are a grown woman and can tell your life partner anything you darn well please.

 
Old 05-05-2004, 02:59 AM   #5
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Honeychild HB User
Re: He Told Me Not To Tell My Husband

Hi Monkeygirl777

Can you give me some suggestions how to tell him in a "toned down way"?

I am going to make sure next time, it's my husband who is going to be here with him, not me.

And I totallly loathe people just showing up on my doorstep unannounced.

Thanks for your advice.

 
Old 05-05-2004, 03:05 AM   #6
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Re: He Told Me Not To Tell My Husband

Awww you poor gal!! I think all of us women can identify with this one! The amount of times I've had something like this happen and seriously men do NOT realize just how intimidating and frightening it can be. I remember a couple of guys who have really freaked me out. Looking back I guess they were just flirting very strongly with me, but at that time, I feared that I really was in physical danger. You HAVE to tell your husband and there's no way other than to tell him but to tell it like it is. Because if you do tone it down or make light of it and something else occurs then he will believe you helped instigate it in some way. Reverse the situation and imagine he told YOU a toned down version and then you heard other information and he then told you the truth, then basically you would think WHY did he lie? You'd think he had something TO hide right?

I'm sorry but this landlord totally abused his position. He knows you are married, you're totally off limits ya know so you did nothing wrong. It might end up nastily, I wouldn't blame your husband one bit if he punched him in the face. I mean if a woman tried it on with your husband, wouldn't you do the same? Or is that just ME??? LOL.

Anyway, try to tell him in a calm matter of fact way and yeah, you may have to end up moving sooner than you expected. Rather that than a potentially torn marriage and an over lusty landlord who thinks it's his right!

 
Old 05-05-2004, 03:32 AM   #7
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TomsWife HB User
Re: He Told Me Not To Tell My Husband

I'm not sure what was meant by saying "tell your husband in a toned down way". Just tell him the facts. As far as him owning the house/landlord, so what!!!! Because he owns the house he can make inappropriate advances towards you. How old are you anyway? You "sound" like you may be too young to stand up for yourself.

Marilyn
aka Tomsgirl
__________________
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic

 
Old 05-05-2004, 03:47 AM   #8
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Honeychild HB User
Re: He Told Me Not To Tell My Husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruthaboutLife
Awww you poor gal!! I think all of us women can identify with this one! The amount of times I've had something like this happen and seriously men do NOT realize just how intimidating and frightening it can be. I remember a couple of guys who have really freaked me out. Looking back I guess they were just flirting very strongly with me, but at that time, I feared that I really was in physical danger. You HAVE to tell your husband and there's no way other than to tell him but to tell it like it is. Because if you do tone it down or make light of it and something else occurs then he will believe you helped instigate it in some way. Reverse the situation and imagine he told YOU a toned down version and then you heard other information and he then told you the truth, then basically you would think WHY did he lie? You'd think he had something TO hide right?

I'm sorry but this landlord totally abused his position. He knows you are married, you're totally off limits ya know so you did nothing wrong. It might end up nastily, I wouldn't blame your husband one bit if he punched him in the face. I mean if a woman tried it on with your husband, wouldn't you do the same? Or is that just ME??? LOL.

Anyway, try to tell him in a calm matter of fact way and yeah, you may have to end up moving sooner than you expected. Rather that than a potentially torn marriage and an over lusty landlord who thinks it's his right!
Hi TruthaboutLife

Maybe it was just "harmless flirting". I just wish he didnt do it at all, and didn't get all personal.

But you hit the nail on the head, he really intimidated me. I think because he knows he is attractive, he must think it's normal behaviour to get so personal, so quick. Actually, this is the first time I have ever been alone with him.I thought at first, it was just "friendly conversation" until I started hearing about his extramarital affairs, and his "marriage problems", and how much stress he was under. Yikes!
I even started sweating from feeling anxious!!!

I do need more confidence in myself, and to be more assertive, especially with men. I probably sound "too young" to "tomsgirl"because I am not assertive enough in these kinds of situations. I was sexually abused when I was younger, so I think that's why I got so scared and anxious,when he started getting "personal".
I think old issues reared it's head, and my panic buttons were pushed.

I don't know what or how to tell my hsuband, really.

 
Old 05-05-2004, 03:54 AM   #9
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TomsWife HB User
Re: He Told Me Not To Tell My Husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Honeychild
Hi TruthaboutLife

Maybe it was just "harmless flirting". I just wish he didnt do it at all, and didn't get all personal.

But you hit the nail on the head, he really intimidated me. I think because he knows he is attractive, he must think it's normal behaviour to get so personal, so quick. Actually, this is the first time I have ever been alone with him.I thought at first, it was just "friendly conversation" until I started hearing about his extramarital affairs, and his "marriage problems", and how much stress he was under. Yikes!
I even started sweating from feeling anxious!!!

I do need more confidence in myself, and to be more assertive, especially with men. I probably sound "too young" to "tomsgirl"because I am not assertive enough in these kinds of situations. I was sexually abused when I was younger, so I think that's why I got so scared and anxious,when he started getting "personal".
I think old issues reared it's head, and my panic buttons were pushed.

I don't know what or how to tell my hsuband, really.
There must be more to this story if you dont know WHAT or HOW to tell your HUSBAND.
__________________
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Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic

 
Old 05-05-2004, 03:56 AM   #10
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TruthaboutLife HB User
Re: He Told Me Not To Tell My Husband

I don't necessarily think it's a case of sounding young or even BEING young because you handled this the way you did. A lot of older women aren't assertive enough either. I think put any woman in this uncomfortable situation and they'd react very similarly. We'd all like to say what we 'would' do if it wasn't us or even after the event, but usually we all react pretty much the same. We fear rape ultimately and guys really don't see that what they class as 'sexual flirting' we view very seriously. It IS intimidating especially because he KNOWS that you are off limits and that he is your landlord, and STILL he proceded to continue this course of action.

You don't have to be strong willed at this stage. Because your husband can do that for you. It's not wrong to be a little soft. You have obviously various reasons for being so and one is that you are a woman, another is your background.

Tell your husband basically that you think the landlord was just being his usual bigheaded self and he tried flirting with you. Tell him that as far as you believe, it was harmless, probably the sort of thing all men do with women, but you wanted to alert him incase it ever happens again which you doubt. If your husband has to have a word with him so be it. He IS your husband and that IS his right. If he didn't look out for you he wouldn't be much of a hubbie would he? Get him to tell the landlord that he is sure he probably was just doing the usual macho flirting thing but it uneased you and he rather now that he wouldn't approach you to talk unless it's to do with the house and even then to make sure he is there in order to build back up the trust HE broke.

 
Old 05-05-2004, 03:57 AM   #11
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TruthaboutLife HB User
Re: He Told Me Not To Tell My Husband

There probably isn't any more to this story. She's probably worried to make a fuss because it might just be harmless and risk her husband punching the guy and losing her home. But she wants to alert him in case it WAS more than that and he tries that or more again. God you're a woman, can't you see that?

 
Old 05-05-2004, 04:04 AM   #12
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Honeychild HB User
Re: He Told Me Not To Tell My Husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruthaboutLife
I don't necessarily think it's a case of sounding young or even BEING young because you handled this the way you did. A lot of older women aren't assertive enough either. I think put any woman in this uncomfortable situation and they'd react very similarly. We'd all like to say what we 'would' do if it wasn't us or even after the event, but usually we all react pretty much the same. We fear rape ultimately and guys really don't see that what they class as 'sexual flirting' we view very seriously. It IS intimidating especially because he KNOWS that you are off limits and that he is your landlord, and STILL he proceded to continue this course of action.

You don't have to be strong willed at this stage. Because your husband can do that for you. It's not wrong to be a little soft. You have obviously various reasons for being so and one is that you are a woman, another is your background.

Tell your husband basically that you think the landlord was just being his usual bigheaded self and he tried flirting with you. Tell him that as far as you believe, it was harmless, probably the sort of thing all men do with women, but you wanted to alert him incase it ever happens again which you doubt. If your husband has to have a word with him so be it. He IS your husband and that IS his right. If he didn't look out for you he wouldn't be much of a hubbie would he? Get him to tell the landlord that he is sure he probably was just doing the usual macho flirting thing but it uneased you and he rather now that he wouldn't approach you to talk unless it's to do with the house and even then to make sure he is there in order to build back up the trust HE broke.

Hi Truth

Now I could say it like that. Rather than have a full on domestic between the landlord and hubbie. And that's probably all it was. Just harmless flirting on his part, and I am blowing it out of proportion. I dont have to go into all the nitty gritty details of what he told me about his personal life etc etc.

and yeah, my husbadn does think he is "bigheaded" and kind of arrogant. lol! You hit the nail on the head, truth!

Thanks for your help!

 
Old 05-05-2004, 04:08 AM   #13
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TomsWife HB User
Re: He Told Me Not To Tell My Husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruthaboutLife
There probably isn't any more to this story. She's probably worried to make a fuss because it might just be harmless and risk her husband punching the guy and losing her home. But she wants to alert him in case it WAS more than that and he tries that or more again. God you're a woman, can't you see that?
The guy was weird from the very beginning. From what she said in her original post, he wasnt being harmless. He touched her and spoke of his affairs and lingered at her home. In this day and age, I dont trust strangers and he is a STRANGer. I feel this way because I am a WOMAN. I have a feeling that because the poster was abused when younger, she may feel that she did or said something to initiate the landlords action,even though she didnt. She in her original post, meantions that she had jeans, a teeshirt and no make up on. Even if she was walking around in a bathing suit, he had no right to speak/touch her the way he did. It's her responsiblity to tell her husband.
Lets here from her, why dont you want to tell your husband? A definate reason, not "I'm too stressed".

Marilyn
aka Tomsgirl
__________________
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic

Last edited by Tomsgirl; 05-05-2004 at 04:09 AM.

 
Old 05-05-2004, 04:13 AM   #14
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TruthaboutLife HB User
Re: He Told Me Not To Tell My Husband

Yes he is a stranger BUT chances are she is a young housewife, and still quite inexperienced and therefore 'trusted' this guy in her home BECAUSE he is the landlord. Come on, we've all been in similar situations.

I'm sure the reason is like i said before. He unsettled her and she wants her husband's reassurance but she doesn't want to risk a potential fight between the two men and subsequently lose her home possibly only to find he's just a pathetic serial flirt.

 
Old 05-05-2004, 04:13 AM   #15
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TomsWife HB User
Re: He Told Me Not To Tell My Husband

And the guy knew he was acting inappropriatly when he said "Dont tell your husband". If she doesnt tell her husband what will she tell him once something (God forbid) happens? You guys are acting very nieve in a situation that could become dangerous.

Marilyn
aka Tomsgirl
__________________
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic

 
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