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Old 05-06-2004, 09:32 AM   #1
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cinting HB User
What do ya think?

What does everyone think about the someone special in your life telling you that each others past becomes the others when you are together? I don't agree with this, I believe that the present and the future is what becomes yours together as a couple. Just curious!!

 
Old 05-06-2004, 09:33 AM   #2
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Re: What do ya think?

huh, how can your past become somebody else's...to me that's trying to become somebody else....i agree with ya...you and your mate have your present and future together, not the past....
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Old 05-06-2004, 09:44 AM   #3
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Re: What do ya think?

ummmm..thats kinda like "Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do". Right?

 
Old 05-06-2004, 10:03 AM   #4
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Re: What do ya think?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
I believe that the present and the future is what becomes yours together as a couple.
I agree with you but, I agree with your "someone special" as well. It's the things that have happened to you in the past that make who you are today and what you bring or don't bring into the relationship.

 
Old 05-06-2004, 10:14 AM   #5
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Re: What do ya think?

Someone's past can reflect on how they think, act, and do things in the future.

I have always been the one that wouldn't want to dread on my past or my other past. Like you said the past is the past. I would rather work on future and present, but if some thing does reflect to the past then that will be somthing that will need to tried to work out. You can't redo the past but can help fix the way things are reflecting it in the future.

 
Old 05-06-2004, 11:06 AM   #6
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Re: What do ya think?

okay, i thought they were trying to imply that the other's past before the SO came into it become one when they got together...that's how i interpreted that statement...
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Old 05-06-2004, 11:14 AM   #7
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Re: What do ya think?

Quote:
Originally Posted by millpark26
I agree with you but, I agree with your "someone special" as well. It's the things that have happened to you in the past that make who you are today and what you bring or don't bring into the relationship.
Sure your past is what makes you the person you are, as is for everyone, because it is yours. How can your past become someone elses, those are your experiences, regrets, mistakes....what helps to mold you into the person you become. Thanks for the input!!

 
Old 05-06-2004, 11:28 AM   #8
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Re: What do ya think?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
How can your past become someone elses, those are your experiences, regrets, mistakes....what helps to mold you into the person you become. Thanks for the input!!

It can become someone elses problem when you still dread on the past. I mean is if you are still having problems you other person will try to make you talk about them or you may take anger out on them.

What can help is those close to you, talk about you problems, counseling, and learning process.

 
Old 05-06-2004, 11:52 AM   #9
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cinting HB User
Re: What do ya think?

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
It can become someone elses problem when you still dread on the past. I mean is if you are still having problems you other person will try to make you talk about them or you may take anger out on them.

What can help is those close to you, talk about you problems, counseling, and learning process.

Okay, maybe I've not been too clear here. What I mean is, does your past become your SO's past after you get together? Do the choices you made, good or bad, become your SO's past? And I'm talking about things that happened years before you met your SO, and nothing that you are having to deal with now. I'm talking about a past you have left far behind you, and do not wish to dwell on it. I am not having problems with it, and not trying to talk about it, he is. I have moved on, and the mistakes I made when I was very young have made me wiser.

Yes, the past molds you into who you are today, so why can't he realize that who I am now is who he fell in love with. That the person he fell in love with would not be that person if not for the past I had. So, why must he dwell on my past? He tells me that my past before him becomes "our past" when we are together. I just think that my past is my past, not his. Just wondered if anyone else thought the way he did.

 
Old 05-06-2004, 11:54 AM   #10
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Re: What do ya think?

Cinting ~
It's true that you will always own your past experiences, regrets, mistakes, etc. However, true love is being loved 100%, without reservation.

Let me throw out a purely hypothetical situation here. Let's say, someone's childhood is full of abuse (sexual/physical/emotional/whatever.....). As a result, they have a continuing history of failed relationships. Everytime they begin a new relationship, they think to themselves that it'll be different this time, yet, it always ends the same. They have never revealed their past to anyone that they've dated/married. Why? Because they feel that all that is "in the past".

However, everytime it ends, there's only (1) person who knows the truth and thats the person who suffered the 'original' abuse. Yet, the person with whom they were once again not able to have a relationship with now has to struggle with the nagging question, "What did I do wrong?" When in fact they didn't do anything wrong. Had they BOTH known of the abused person's past, they could have worked together.

I'm just trying to help you see that the very moment you become involved with someone, everything in their past that makes up who they are today as a person, becomes BOTH person's responsibility to deal with.....The good and the bad.

I hope this helps a bit......

 
Old 05-06-2004, 11:56 AM   #11
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: What do ya think?

Your past is yours. He was not a part of it. And I would tell him if he wants to continue being part of your present, he's gonna have to let your past stay there. You don't want to live in the past, right? So why should you have to take daily trips back through it??

 
Old 05-06-2004, 11:58 AM   #12
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Re: What do ya think?

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
Someone's past can reflect on how they think, act, and do things in the future. .
Jeff got it. They are opining that you are the product of your past experiences and when you enter into a relationship with someone, they bring with them their past and so it must become at least a significant part of what your future will be.

 
Old 05-06-2004, 12:23 PM   #13
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cinting HB User
Re: What do ya think?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
They are opining that you are the product of your past experiences and when you enter into a relationship with someone, they bring with them their past and so it must become at least a significant part of what your future will be.
For instance, do you honestly think that the fact that someone had partied when they were younger should become their partners past, unless it was something they were continuing to do?

 
Old 05-06-2004, 12:33 PM   #14
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Re: What do ya think?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
For instance, do you honestly think that the fact that someone had partied when they were younger should become their partners past, unless it was something they were continuing to do?
I would say "No" unless you're hiding something......(Not to imply in ANY way that you are)

What's the issue with that?

 
Old 05-06-2004, 12:41 PM   #15
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Re: What do ya think?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
Jeff got it. They are opining that you are the product of your past experiences and when you enter into a relationship with someone, they bring with them their past and so it must become at least a significant part of what your future will be.

Okay, I know this person and I know the whole situation and I wish she would listen to me. She is allowing this person to beat her down every day with issues he has about her past. And we are talking about things she did when she was very young and naive. This is a man she trusted to tell her past too, and he turned around and made her feel like she was the lowest moral person on the face of the earth. Every day I had to hear her say, "I'm a bad person, aren't I?", and really putting herself down. I encouraged her to break it off with him, which she did, but for some reason she gave him a second chance.

He has an issue with the # of people she slept with, (and it's not a lot), and he found this out after snooping through boxes in her basement and reading journals from about 8 years ago. This man has some serious problems, and I wish she would leave him alone, or if she won't, at least have the courage to stand up to him and tell him to keep his nosey *** out of her past, b/c it's none of his business!!

Yes, she has things in her past that she regrets. And it is up to her to choose to tell them to him, if she wants to. He has NO RIGHT to know what she did when she was 16, that is not what she is doing now as a grown woman. She does not have to share every personal, intimate choice she made in the past. And we are not talking about abuse, or anything that she is having to deal with now. It is nothing like that. For some reason he has to be up on his moral high horse, even though he's had multiple partners and a failed marriage in his past. Is she dwelling on these things with him? No, she has more respect for him than that.

Yes, things in your past make who you are today. And the person she is today is who he fell in love with. If not for the mistakes she made in her past, she would not even know him now. She moved on from her mistakes, she learned from them, and grew into the lovely woman she is today. She endured difficult times and hardship to make a better life for herself. And instead of him being proud of her for making her life better, he beats her down with stupid little mistakes she made when she was young. She is not bringing her past into the present, he is.

Her past is NOT his, it's HERS, and hers alone. Everything in her past makes her who SHE is today, it has no bearing on who HE is. HIS past does that. I'm sorry, but noone has a claim to my past. The good things I did, those are mine. The bad things I did, those are mine. If I want you to know about them, I will tell you. If I don't, I won't, and I have every right not to. THEY ARE MINE, AND MINE ALONE. My SO's past is not my past, it's his. The mistakes he made are his, not mine. I'm not taking responsibilty for them, I didn't make them. I don't want him taking responsibility for mine, he didn't make them. I know and understand he made mistakes, he knows and understands I made mistakes, WE ARE HUMAN.

Cinting, please, listen to me. He has no right to be doing this to you. He does not truly love you if this is how he treats you. You are a beautiful, loving person who has much love to offer someone who deserves it. He should be building you up for the wonderful person you have become, not beating you down for things you did as a child. He is being very childish and immature. Please think seriously about continuing this relationship. You deserve so much more. You deserve to be loved for who you are, and to be treated with respect.

 
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