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Old 05-07-2004, 04:59 PM   #1
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butterfly2003 HB User
Please help, need advice on a confusing situation

Hey all! I need some advice. Advice from guys would be interesting,but advice from anyone who wants to give it would be just as good. Ok, here goes:
I met this guy, oh, maybe 3 months ago. We hung out and on the 3rd time hanging out we got a little frisky. After that happened he avoided me for a week. Then we had a little talk and he told me that he does not want a girlfriend right now, because he just moved to the area, etc etc. He basically told me that something could happen in the future or it may not. Well, after that it seemed he only called when he wanted something (he does not have a car right now) so I was about to can him, but then he started doing things and being there for me to just hang out. Well, something to mention is that he is a very physical guy. So, he will tickle me, touch me, slap my ***, hug me, etc. Basically he does things to me that would confuse any girl. Well, after another little talk he explained that, that is just how he is. Well, maybe 2 months after we first met we just happened to get frisky again and it was a little akward, because he doesnt know how or why it happened, but I do. I wanted it to happen. I like him more than a friend and it is getting really hard to accept that all I may be to him is a friend. Something to mention would be that we were always together, like all weekend and at least 3 nights during the week.
Ok hang in there, I am almost done. Well, just recently my feelings for him have started to drive me crazy. It is really hard to spend all my free time with him, all the while he is flirting with me like crazy, to just drop him back off with a measley "good-bye". I sent him an email telling him all this and he was totally rude, like "we have talked about this 3 times". All I wanted him to know is that it was getting hard and that I was confused, which was a result of me acting weird lately. Well, before all this he moved into a new place with people who are his age. Well, he is becoming friends with them. He does not call as much and we dont hang out as much. I feel used. I have helped him to no end, been there when **** went down, and have been just an all-around good friend. All this and I have to feel dissappointed every time I leave him. I feel like he was just using me to fill empty space, and goodness I had a mode of transportation. Now that he has new friends I feel left in the dust.
What does everyone think about this? Should I tell him everything I think (like that I suspect he was just using me)? I dont know how to handle this.

 
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Old 05-07-2004, 05:38 PM   #2
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Please help, need advice on a confusing situation

Hi Butterfly -
BTW, I love the Butterfly name and what it stands for "FREE" now be free of this men...

Oh, I have been in your shoes once before and I"m sure many woman have too and you will hear from some. I'm sorry sweetie...YES, he used you.
You made yourself too available for him...Don't go blaming yourself or how stupid you feel....We have ALL done this at one time or another in our life.
Welcome to our club, take what happen as a learning experince shovle it into a drawer and if you ever do this again...Take this experince with you.

The difference is with you & me....I did make that stupid phone call to see what's up, I did "try" to get him to like me more, I wanted a sense of closure or at least LET me End the relationship on my terms..HA, so I thought..
SO, hon...from what your stated in your post...It's the writing of being used by a New guy in town who hung out with you, knew you were into him so he took advantage but also TOLD YOU he was not interested in a relationship and if you do make that call....He will either get nasty with you or laugh at you and tell his New friends your just some chick who digs him alot and your stalking him...At least I can tell you Don't Make the Call,,,,Go free of him.

I'm sorry it didn't turn out as you wished.

 
Old 05-07-2004, 06:19 PM   #3
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Easton, Pa
Posts: 734
promisez HB User
Re: Please help, need advice on a confusing situation

Stop trying to assign blame, that only keeps you in the problem. He can't use you unless you allow him to. Yes he used you. Either or, move on to harleybabes solution. Don't waste any computer ink on this guy, he sure isn't worth it.

 
Old 05-07-2004, 07:33 PM   #4
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Join Date: Jun 2001
Posts: 149
Bill Magic HB User
Re: Please help, need advice on a confusing situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by butterfly2003
Hey all! I need some advice. Advice from guys would be interesting,but advice from anyone who wants to give it would be just as good. Ok, here goes:
I met this guy, oh, maybe 3 months ago. We hung out and on the 3rd time hanging out we got a little frisky. After that happened he avoided me for a week. Then we had a little talk and he told me that he does not want a girlfriend right now, because he just moved to the area, etc etc. He basically told me that something could happen in the future or it may not. Well, after that it seemed he only called when he wanted something (he does not have a car right now) so I was about to can him, but then he started doing things and being there for me to just hang out. Well, something to mention is that he is a very physical guy. So, he will tickle me, touch me, slap my ***, hug me, etc. Basically he does things to me that would confuse any girl. Well, after another little talk he explained that, that is just how he is. Well, maybe 2 months after we first met we just happened to get frisky again and it was a little akward, because he doesnt know how or why it happened, but I do. I wanted it to happen. I like him more than a friend and it is getting really hard to accept that all I may be to him is a friend. Something to mention would be that we were always together, like all weekend and at least 3 nights during the week.
Ok hang in there, I am almost done. Well, just recently my feelings for him have started to drive me crazy. It is really hard to spend all my free time with him, all the while he is flirting with me like crazy, to just drop him back off with a measley "good-bye". I sent him an email telling him all this and he was totally rude, like "we have talked about this 3 times". All I wanted him to know is that it was getting hard and that I was confused, which was a result of me acting weird lately. Well, before all this he moved into a new place with people who are his age. Well, he is becoming friends with them. He does not call as much and we dont hang out as much. I feel used. I have helped him to no end, been there when **** went down, and have been just an all-around good friend. All this and I have to feel dissappointed every time I leave him. I feel like he was just using me to fill empty space, and goodness I had a mode of transportation. Now that he has new friends I feel left in the dust.
What does everyone think about this? Should I tell him everything I think (like that I suspect he was just using me)? I dont know how to handle this.
I think this is a situation where you avoid him.. What he did does seem like he was using you..However, by avoiding him it may cause him to appreciate you when you're not around.. He may want back what hes missing and then may want to get back with you and start a relationship.. Its also possible he just forgets you but if he does than it wasn't meant to be..

 
Old 05-07-2004, 11:10 PM   #5
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Jays Kitten HB User
Re: Please help, need advice on a confusing situation

So true Bill. I usually disagree with your posts but this one is so true. About 2 months after me and my husband started dating he broke up with me because I cheated on him (just kissed someone else while intoxicated). He wanted nothing to do with me. I called everyday to let him know I love him and how sorry I was and he would hang up on me. When I stopped calling he started missing me and we are married now. I have had past relationship where a guy didn't show much interest to begin with and when I left him alone, he was all over me. Men love a challenge. Leave him alone, don't call him, if you never talk to him then you are better off, because he really was using you. If he does start missing you then maybe he was just scared to be in a relationship.

Last edited by Jays Kitten; 05-07-2004 at 11:11 PM.

 
Old 05-07-2004, 11:26 PM   #6
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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butterfly2003 HB User
Re: Please help, need advice on a confusing situation

Thanks for all of your replies. I thought about it before I read these and I did decide that not talking to him would be the best idea, all of your replies just affirmed this. I am really bad at letting things go, so as pathetic as this may seem; it is going to be a little hard. Another thing worth mentioning is the fact that he owes me $80 and he has an engine mount and some crap for his non-existent mustang in my parent's garage. What do I do about this? I want to never call him again and stick to my guns, but I would really appreciate the money back and I am not going to accept the fact that I am still helping him out by storing things for him.
I really am upset about this, last relationship I was **** on and here it goes again. I am mad!

 
Old 05-08-2004, 12:05 AM   #7
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Join Date: Nov 2003
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zeft HB User
Re: Please help, need advice on a confusing situation

butterfly,
I think others can cover other aspects but on one point that is near and dear to my heart you wrote,

"I sent him an email telling him all this and he was totally rude"

Forget emails for such things. God knows I have experienced this a few times myself. In person is best, or call, or even write a letter, but forget emails. There is something about email that makes it extremely easy to misunderstand the other person's intentions. The emotion is lost.

If you want to continue I suggest that you do not follow up with another email.

 
Old 05-08-2004, 02:34 AM   #8
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: Please help, need advice on a confusing situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by butterfly2003
.. Another thing worth mentioning is the fact that he owes me $80 and he has an engine mount and some crap for his non-existent mustang in my parent's garage. What do I do about this? I want to never call him again and stick to my guns, but I would really appreciate the money back and I am not going to accept the fact that I am still helping him out by storing things for him.
I really am upset about this, last relationship I was **** on and here it goes again. I am mad!
Ask him to give back the $80. If he doesn't, sell the engine mount and his other crap to recover what he owes you. Then dump him and find someone who appreciates you.

 
Old 05-08-2004, 08:28 AM   #9
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Please help, need advice on a confusing situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by butterfly2003
Thanks for all of your replies. I thought about it before I read these and I did decide that not talking to him would be the best idea, all of your replies just affirmed this. I am really bad at letting things go, so as pathetic as this may seem; it is going to be a little hard. Another thing worth mentioning is the fact that he owes me $80 and he has an engine mount and some crap for his non-existent mustang in my parent's garage. What do I do about this? I want to never call him again and stick to my guns, but I would really appreciate the money back and I am not going to accept the fact that I am still helping him out by storing things for him.
I really am upset about this, last relationship I was **** on and here it goes again. I am mad!
HEY...like I said don't go beating yourself up or think your pathetic. You were a generous person, a GOOD PERSON, or else you wouldn't have done all the nice and stupid things like WE ALL HAVE I had to add the stupid in just to let you know...I know how you feel and yes we are stupid sometimes when we really like someone...SO, please don't think I was being mean to you.
I'm sure your doing it to yourself enough....

As for the money...Look, $80.00 is alot of money, he does owe it to you, are you ever going to see that money again? I can't say for sure. Can you chalk it up to an experience? You make that call...I would WANT my money back even if it was $25.00 but I would maybe brush it off too? If he has an answering machine at his new place of living...Could you call when he is NOT there and leave a Detail message acting very nice (if you can bring yourself to do this) requesting the Money. Do not Ask for the Money you Request it with a Date & Time. ie: You NEED the money by Tuesday 5/11 something like that. OH...and as far as his stuff at your parents...I wouldn't mention it.
Give him the chance to call you back and have him ask for it.
That's if you parents don't mind holding it for a month. If he doesn't ask for it within a month...Get Rid of It.

Good Luck and hope this helps.

 
Old 05-08-2004, 12:59 PM   #10
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Kika1973 HB User
Angry Re: Please help, need advice on a confusing situation

Butterfly, I think you should get away from this guy. He obviously used you and wasn't a nice person when he said those rude things to you over the e-mail. At least, you deserve some respect, since you've been so good to him. Don't make yourself expectations on any call or future relationship. Try to live with what you have for sure.

 
Old 05-08-2004, 02:16 PM   #11
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butterfly2003 HB User
Re: Please help, need advice on a confusing situation

Thanks guys! The $80 I lent him was with my credit card and it desperately needs to go back on there. The engine mount, disc brakes, and other stuff he has in my gargage are well worth $1000!!! If he doesnt want to come and get them I would gladly sell them, LOL! However he would never do that. I was thinking that I would just call him and firmly tell him that I was once a doormat and I am not going to be that for him, and he needs to pay me back and arrange another place for his stuff. Then I will never call him. I was thinking of just igonoring the money and his crap and just leaving it alone, but I think that if I did he would still be taking advantage of me. The only problem I have is that it is really hard for me to be mean (obviously) and stand up for myself sometimes.

 
Old 05-09-2004, 12:00 AM   #12
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Jays Kitten HB User
Re: Please help, need advice on a confusing situation

I wouldn't say it like that. I would just ask him when he is planning to pay you back. You don't have to be mean. Don't threaten him with this but you could always take him to court. Or what I would do is sell his stuff.

 
Old 05-09-2004, 12:11 AM   #13
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butterfly2003 HB User
Re: Please help, need advice on a confusing situation

Hey I dont think that I could take him to court because there was no contract or written agreement and it is not like it is $8000! I will consider selling his stuff though. Thanks again for all of your replies!

 
Old 05-09-2004, 12:27 AM   #14
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: Please help, need advice on a confusing situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by butterfly2003
Thanks guys! The $80 I lent him was with my credit card and it desperately needs to go back on there. The engine mount, disc brakes, and other stuff he has in my gargage are well worth $1000!!! If he doesnt want to come and get them I would gladly sell them, LOL! However he would never do that. I was thinking that I would just call him and firmly tell him that I was once a doormat and I am not going to be that for him, and he needs to pay me back and arrange another place for his stuff. Then I will never call him. I was thinking of just igonoring the money and his crap and just leaving it alone, but I think that if I did he would still be taking advantage of me. The only problem I have is that it is really hard for me to be mean (obviously) and stand up for myself sometimes.
Please stick to your guns on this one. I agree with the advice you've gotten here. Contact him once and let him know he has one week to pay you back and pick up his stuff. If he doesn't pay you back and pick up his stuff in one week, tell him you'll sell his stuff to make back what he owes you. Other young women have had this situation many times on this board. It's where the whole Mars vs. Venus thing comes into play. Girl falls for sweet flirty guy, he tells her he doesn't want a relationship with her, she doesn't believe him because how could he be so sweet and how could he kiss and hold me and touch me like he does if he doesn't really care? She pursues it, he continues to take advantage to her until he gets tired of her pushing for more, then tosses her away. The thing is, you have to listen to what men say. When they say they're not interested, they mean it, yes, even if they turn around the next minute and kiss and caress you. It's purely physical for them. They separate love and sex in a way most women don't.

 
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