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Old 05-07-2004, 08:49 PM   #1
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DreaJ HB User
Ex-boyfriend, Ex-husband, and me, now what?

Ive been married 5 years, not happily. My husband and I started talking divorce about 6 months ago. About a month after that, I ran into an old boyfriend and we hit it off, but NOTHING happened while I was working things out with hubby, although he was, and still is suspicious, and wont take my word for it. They knew eachother while I was dating my old flame, and have NEVER gotten along, so this makes it worse.

In Feburary, my husband moved out, and although I have rekindled a friendship with my ex, I promised hubby as long as we were married I would not have a romantic relationship with him, and that has held true.

Today, my husband and I signed our divorce papers, so we arent long off from a divorce. My ex has stated he has romantic feelings, and would love to pursue a long term relationship, and I am considering this heavily. My question, though is a little more difficult than that.

I have 4 children, and my hubby has been ok keeping up a relationship with them, but I dont think it will continue, its never been a very strong one anyway. My ex LOVES and adores my kids, so I think hed be great around them, but my husband is HIGHLY angry that he will be around the kids, and I know its because there is suspicion and anger. In the divorce, we have joint legal custody, but I have physical custody. My question is this.....

Should I NOT start a relationship with my ex just because of my husband?

If I do, and if at some point we live together, is there a way my husband can take me to court because it will be immoral, and take the kids away (something my mom says he can do)?

Go ahead and toss out the questions and opinions, I dont talk about this to anyone much right now, its too much for my friends to take it right now.

Thanks!!!
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Old 05-07-2004, 08:54 PM   #2
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Heather1977 HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend, Ex-husband, and me, now what?

I'm no expert but I don't believe there is anything saying you can't date or be in a relationship after the divorce is final. I say if you really like your ex-boyfriend and he is good with your kids go for it! Also, it id near impossible for a man to get custody of children. Only if the mother wants him to have them or she is neglectful, abusive, or using drugs. And all that has to be proved beyond a reasonable doubt. If I'm wrong on anything please someone point it out.
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Old 05-07-2004, 11:00 PM   #3
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Jays Kitten HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend, Ex-husband, and me, now what?

they added something about living with another man in my sisters custody papers. So yes I think they can do something if you live with another man. Maybe its different in different states.

 
Old 05-08-2004, 02:04 AM   #4
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend, Ex-husband, and me, now what?

Why don't you finalize the divorce and work out custody of the children, and then work on the "ex". It comes down to who you want to put first in the picture, you or your children. After the divorce, I don't think it makes much of a difference in today's world on whether your ex moves in with you or not.

Maybe it really doesn't matter though. No matter how much you love them. In reality, from the children's point of view, they do come second every time when dealing with divorcing parents. The the only exceptions are abuse and neglect.

 
Old 05-08-2004, 08:39 AM   #5
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend, Ex-husband, and me, now what?

I don't know what State you live in.

OK, If you already signed the divorce papers you are NOW DIVORCED.
IN the state of MA there is a 60 or 90 waiting period and you know what I'm not sure for what? But again this was also 15yrs ago for me.

You said you have Phyiscal custody and shared joint shared custody of your children. I have that too. Your husband doesn't have to like anyone you live with or date nor stop you from living your life with your new boyfriend. AS long as you have and provide a safe and loving home for your children he can not take the children away from you.

I don't know what your mom is talking about other then she is trying to scare you from living your life or maybe doesn't want to see you with this new guy in your life or to LIVE w/him. Ask your mom where she "heard" this.

I live w/my boyfriend and I have a child. I can tell you stories of woman separated and moved in with thier new boyfriends and children. And courts don't go around taking children away from their mothers without an investagation of neglect, child abuse, drugs, or bad living conditions. If none of these applies to you...You are FINE.

Enjoy your new life and take care of your children.

 
Old 05-08-2004, 09:47 AM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend, Ex-husband, and me, now what?

When the divorce is final then you are a free women. You husband signed the papers meaning you are now free to date. If you have those feeling for your ex. then go for it. I would suggest taking thing a little slow at first so the kids can adapt to the change. Also, just not fo the kids sake but you may want to take things slow yourself.

You said that your husband wont be there for the kids much longer...Now why is that? You said he is there for them now. Both guys sound like they are great to the kids so you may not have much to worry about. Just don't keep your ex. husband from seeing them if he is good to them.

 
Old 05-08-2004, 04:34 PM   #7
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Re: Ex-boyfriend, Ex-husband, and me, now what?

Again, I'm with Salinas. If I had kids, or even if I didn't but that's another story, I would not agree to live with just a boyfriend. Boyfriends can come and go. Kids deserve to be in an environment of a committed relationship. Acutally, I will say marriage. What if you move in with the boyfriend, and after some time he decides family life is not for him after all. He'll just pack his stuff and move out, meanwhile your kids will have to deal with another father figure abandoning them. Be smart. Develop a relationship with this guy first, take it one step at a time, and when you both decide you want to take it to the next level, then will be the time for him to move in. Just my opinion. And I think he will respect you for it as well because it will show him you take relationships and your children seriously.

 
Old 05-08-2004, 07:51 PM   #8
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DreaJ HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend, Ex-husband, and me, now what?

Thanks for the advice, and keep it coming!!

Just a few points.

I am certainly not planning on moving my ex in anytime soon, as we are still merely discussing the possibilities of dating. I was just curious because of what my mom said, that if at some point we decided to live together, if that could cause problems with custody.

I also wouldnt bring him in to live with us, and let everyone form an attachment, if I didnt think it was permanent, such as engagment and wedding plans. This is nothing that is happening soon by any means, I was just wondering.

But I am interested in my ex, and am considering pursuing a relationship, but it would definitly be gradual, for the kids sake certainly. As for my husband, he said if I ever remarried anyone he would move away and pay his child support, but not be around us.
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Old 05-09-2004, 12:39 AM   #9
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Re: Ex-boyfriend, Ex-husband, and me, now what?

Quote:
Originally Posted by DreaJ
Thanks for the advice, and keep it coming!!

Just a few points.

I am certainly not planning on moving my ex in anytime soon, as we are still merely discussing the possibilities of dating. I was just curious because of what my mom said, that if at some point we decided to live together, if that could cause problems with custody.

I also wouldnt bring him in to live with us, and let everyone form an attachment, if I didnt think it was permanent, such as engagment and wedding plans. This is nothing that is happening soon by any means, I was just wondering.

But I am interested in my ex, and am considering pursuing a relationship, but it would definitly be gradual, for the kids sake certainly. As for my husband, he said if I ever remarried anyone he would move away and pay his child support, but not be around us.
Shame on your husband. He wants to punish his own children to try to keep you from moving on with your life. He has no right to try to manipulate you like that. If you want to be absolutely sure, consult with your divorce attorney regarding what your husband can do if your new beau moved in regarding custody. I think he would only have a case if he could prove your new man was hurting or endangering your kids somehow. I would talk with your new beau regarding the best plan to move ahead with your relationship in the best way for your kids, but there's no reason you should turn away this chance for real love. Your ex doesn't have the right to take that away from you, so please don't let him.

 
Old 05-09-2004, 04:35 AM   #10
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend, Ex-husband, and me, now what?

What happened to my post? I know I made it because Sophia responded to it. Now it no longer exists. Has this happened to anyone else? Odd.

 
Old 05-09-2004, 04:39 AM   #11
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend, Ex-husband, and me, now what?

Quote:
Originally Posted by DreaJ
I also wouldnt bring him in to live with us, and let everyone form an attachment, if I didnt think it was permanent, such as engagment and wedding plans.
You surely know that there are thousands of well-intentioned ring and a date scenarios that simply do not end up with a walk down the aisle. I just don't get the need to even consider moving in, especially with kids involved, until you are married.

Last edited by Salinas1; 05-09-2004 at 04:40 AM.

 
Old 05-10-2004, 05:56 AM   #12
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend, Ex-husband, and me, now what?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
You surely know that there are thousands of well-intentioned ring and a date scenarios that simply do not end up with a walk down the aisle. I just don't get the need to even consider moving in, especially with kids involved, until you are married.
And you base this on because You are married with children and never been divorced so you know this is what you would do right?

There are other factors why woman choose to live with a man without marriage. Let me give you another version.

I have struggled long enough in my life to raise my son on my own. I am now in a good finacial state. I am engaged to a wonderful man and someday we will get married. I may wait...till his children are of 18 yrs of age. WHY, because his wife can take him back to court and review his financial status after we get married and WHY should she take MY money away from me and my son? YES...that can & will happen. Is that fair? NO...and when my son attends college and I will have to submit my financial statement and if I'm married the University will take in consideration my "husband's" income.
and WHY should HE pay for my son's college or my son lose out on Financial Aide? My boyfriend has his own children to think about with child support and college tution as I have my son to think about along w/his own father ...My "data" information comes from my own mother's experience with her husband and my brothers going to college, along with my Uncle who is Dean at a Respectable College in PA, as well as My financial advisor who gave me this advise to think about if I was to remarry.

You see, my son does come first and always has. MY Living w/my boyfriend has not had any affect on his well being or what I am teaching him.
Communication, Loving your children first before anyone, and looking out for their best interest for their future is more important then other's view about living w/another man before marriage.

 
Old 05-10-2004, 06:58 AM   #13
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend, Ex-husband, and me, now what?

Quote:
Originally Posted by DreaJ
As for my husband, he said if I ever remarried anyone he would move away and pay his child support, but not be around us.[/FONT][/B][/COLOR]

Well let him go and go free. Take in his child support and his son will soon realize what a loser his dad was. You don't need a man that will throw threats at you like this so you stay single.

 
Old 05-10-2004, 07:31 AM   #14
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend, Ex-husband, and me, now what?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
You see, my son does come first and always has. MY Living w/my boyfriend has not had any affect on his well being or what I am teaching him.Communication, Loving your children first before anyone, and looking out for their best interest for their future is more important then other's view about living w/another man before marriage.
The reasons you gave are not unreasonable and I certainly understand why some would make a decision to not marry based on the examples you offered.

My reasoning is philosophical and principle based. My value set precludes my living with a partner if I have children in my home. This is not the rule of life to be followed by everyone; it is the values based rule that I choose for myself. The reasons are many but not important to this thread. I respect your right to make informed decisions for you and your family and define your own values as best suits your outlook on life.

 
Old 05-10-2004, 08:28 AM   #15
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend, Ex-husband, and me, now what?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
The reasons you gave are not unreasonable and I certainly understand why some would make a decision to not marry based on the examples you offered.

My reasoning is philosophical and principle based. My value set precludes my living with a partner if I have children in my home. This is not the rule of life to be followed by everyone; it is the values based rule that I choose for myself. The reasons are many but not important to this thread. I respect your right to make informed decisions for you and your family and define your own values as best suits your outlook on life.

Thanks Salinas. I appreicate your response. I just felt it important to see another reason one may not want to remarry so quickly... but love a man and choose to live with him and include children. I also respect your principle of living and choices one makes. You see....I once did think like you, even when I was newly divorced - some 14 yrs ago. I swore I would never live with a man....I would want him to love me and accept my son...and Marry Me...I had no clue of the financial reasons it could have on me or my son.
As I was getting older as well as my son getting older and working my butt off to achieve the financial security for myself and again my son...I meet this wonderful man I am engaged to.
I have a favorite Aunt who I respect so much and value her opinions.
She is an All American woman with High Morals & Standards. She holds a Master's degree in Education, my uncle her husband is the Dean of Admissions at Popular University in upstate PA it was these two wonderful people who have guided me in my life, encourgement me with decisions I have made..good & bad.
I asked her, if what I was doing was wrong by buying a house with my boyfriend with no commitment at that time for marriage...I was surprised at her answer...She told me girl...If I ever divorced your Uncle I would never get remarried again then my Uncle who is also a Financial Advisor and tax preparer gave me his two sense worth......It was a value lesson to something I had no understanding or clue. Also, again..what I'm more afraid for more in life is my fiance's ex-wife taking him back to court for MORE child support if we would get married and have to show our combine income. She is the type of Woman who would do such a thing.
Thanks Again...

and to the Post...Enjoy dating your exboyfriend who has entered back into your life. Take it Slow with him, don't live with him till you know that someday there is that chance you will marry him. Your exhusband can not do anything about it. HE, your exhusband should Only Be concerned about the Children you two have not what you are doing with your love life.

 
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