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Old 05-08-2004, 02:53 AM   #1
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noseyone HB User
Complicated situation

ok, this is gonna be long but i will try to paraphrase:

i was married for 6 years, with him for almost 10 years and we have 2 girls ages 6 and 8.

My best friend of 14 years is now with my ex (for the past year and a half), we are no longer friends and i said some pretty mean things to her when they got together.

I had suspected something was going on between the two of them when we were married (she was married to someone else at that time) but he always denied it. Last year i found out for sure my suspicions were right and they had messed around when we were still married.

I am completely over him and would never consider being with him again so it isn't an issue like that

....so my kids go to stay with them every other week and they know her well and it all works out.

my question is....would it make me look...desperate or something along those lines if i called her?

do you think there is anyway we could repair this friendship? is it worth it?

my bf says i should be friends with her cause "at least she doesn't have anything to hide now"

anyone been through this before?
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umm, yeah...

 
Old 05-08-2004, 03:10 AM   #2
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Re: Complicated situation

I don't see where the complication lies. You were the one taken advantage off. You don't owe anyone anything. Is it you that wants to call her or are you wanting to do this because of what others are saying to you and suggesting you do so.

Whatever you do is the correct answer as long as it is solely your decision. If you want to call her then call her up. If you don't want to call her, don't let anyone talk you into it. The excuse your boyfriend is giving you to justify calling her is pretty lame.

I mean, come on, was she really your best friend if she messed around with your ex while you were still married to him? Is it worth it to repair this friendship you ask? You tell us.

 
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Old 05-08-2004, 03:20 AM   #3
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Re: Complicated situation

oops, i left out a couple things

one of the reasons i felt i should call her is that she is with my kids so much and i don't think it's good for them to see how tense the whole thing makes me. they come home from there and say things like "daddy and (her)- uhh, oh nevermind"

they know i am upset over the whole thing and i feel like i should make an effort for their sakes. I don't want them to think they can't talk to me about the things that go on when they are visiting their dad.

also...sometimes i really miss her and wish things were different. I miss my friend but i'm not sure if i should forget about her and move on or try to get over it and make the first move to reconcile.
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umm, yeah...

 
Old 05-08-2004, 06:15 AM   #4
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Complicated situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by noseyone
also...sometimes i really miss her and wish things were different. I miss my friend...
I think when you cut to the chase and leave all the other verbiage behind, this is at the heart of your situation. For what it is worth, I would forgive, but I would not seek out her friendship. I am a firm believer that spots are very, very difficult to change and do so rarely. I look at character. Remember that character is what you do when you think no one else knows what you are doing. This is a woman that, while professing friendship with you, was betraying that very friendship in the worst of ways. This is her character. This is not someone I would feel worthy of my trust and confidence, which is what is required in a friendship. For me personally, principle would not allow me to offer her myself in friendship again.

Do what you wish, but consider what she was once able to do while operating under the cloak of friendship. Sometimes going back is not what you hope it will be.

 
Old 05-08-2004, 07:49 AM   #5
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Re: Complicated situation

Its sad that there are kids in the middle of this but it is thier father. I am sure they would like to continue seeing him and they are too young to realize what happen.

As for being friends, I see no point. This friend betrayed you with your ex. What type of friend goes behind a back to get with your husband. You have been used and abused.

Sometimes its good to voice your concerns but it is thier father. You don;t have to like them but get along with them so the kids don't get caught up in the middle of things.

 
Old 05-08-2004, 08:12 AM   #6
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Re: Complicated situation

I'm with Salinas on this. This woman is a snake, not a friend. I would not date a friend's ex-boyfriend even after they broke up, not to mention sleep with her husband! That's just a territory you do not venture out to. It's taboo. Sorry to say but your ex husband must be such a jerk to put you in this position. Not only did the two of them, who were the closest people to you, broke your heart and betrayed your trust, but now you have to deal with your kids spending time with the snake. I don't know how I would handle this. One thing for sure: I would NOT want to EVER have anything to do with that woman. The "friend" you miss never really existed; it's an illusion and there's no friendship to restore. A true friend would have not been able to cause you such pain. God, I could not imagine doing it to an acquaintance, not to mention a good friend! This just makes my blood boil. Hang in there honey, if you must ever have any contact with that woman because of your kids, keep it brief, polite, and impersonal. she does not deserve your friendship. Your boyfriend is strange to say what he said.

 
Old 05-08-2004, 08:43 AM   #7
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Re: Complicated situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by noseyone
oops, i left out a couple things
You didn't leave out anything. You are trying to justify your actions when you don't need too. A wrong was done to you. You haven't done anything wrong to anyone. So, I will say it again. Whatever you do is the correct answer. Don't let anyone talk you into it it or out of it. All the responses so far are correct, but they are correct for them. That is what they would do. You need to decide what is best for you and your children and only you can do that yourself.

 
Old 05-08-2004, 08:58 AM   #8
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Re: Complicated situation

OMG...What happened to you must of been devasting! Your bestfriend and your husband together....and You didn't KILL hEr? That is another one of woman's worst fears....

So you said some mean things to her? Did you leave her w/a Bald Head?

Now you want to make friends with her? WHY? She has your exhusband, she is now also playing the role of step mother to your children? She has taken your life away from you and YOU WANT her friendship back?

She would be dead to me...Dead Friendship! You can miss what you once shared...way back when...WHEN SHE DIDN"T SLEEP W/Your HUSBAND!
That friend is gone....What exactly are you missing in her? Did you not confide in her? being your bestfriend doesn't she know you? doesn't she know your secrets? your hopes & dreams of your life? That's what bestfriends are....They are our Confidents..Nothing replaces a bestfriend without Trust, Honor, Respect, Not going after our husbands or boyfriends.
There's that Unwritten Rule of oath we take on as bestfriends, we do not sleep or date with ex-husbands or ex-boyfriends, without APPROVAL from us!

Screw her and your exhusband!!!!!!!!! She does not Deserve Your kindness or forgiveness or your friendship!

OK, now I'm done venting and on to your children. YOU and only YOU explain to your children, you love them and want the best for them, it is OK to talk about your exbestfriend and it doesn't hurt your feelings...THEY (your children) at the age they are at don't need to know about this terrible adult thing that has happened to their mother. Keep them out of it and tell them you are not bother or ok with them talking about their visits with their father and "that woman"...Then you can crawl under your blanket and cry your heart out...Because that is what I would do...but like I said that woman would be a Bald Women if placed in my hands.

Good Luck to you...Find a New bestfriend and think about maybe being a Male Bestfriend.
Take Care..

 
Old 05-08-2004, 11:26 AM   #9
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Re: Complicated situation

Think I'll take the unbeaten path. You say the situation makes you upset and your kids see it. They come back from there to you and then can't talk with you about it. If they like the other woman, the communication now goes to her, not you out of fear of upsetting you. Sounds like you'll not only be out a husband but the kids too at this rate. Forgive her as hard as it may be, don't even think about a frienship unless you feel comfortable enough to trust her with your mac card and pin number and let the kids see that she cannot dictate your emotions. In other words, stop giving her free rent space in your head. Kids just know who has the higher integrity in the long run.

 
Old 05-08-2004, 12:27 PM   #10
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Kika1973 HB User
Exclamation Re: Complicated situation

When I read your story, I remember a chapter of my life that, hopefully, is over now. My best friend of 12 years did a similar thing to me, but I wasn't married to the guy or anything like that. I met him on a trip (with her) and we had a nice relationship through the e-mail for several months, after a phone call I received from him.
In the middle of this, she, secretly, went on a trip to the same place and called him to stay on his house. You can imagine the rest.
After I thought about it over, and over, after I spoke with by big brother, with my parents, I told her that she betrayed me, that I was too disappointed and too hurt to continue our friendship. And that was more than a year ago.
One day, in order to set things clear, and stop gossip, I went to her house with a present for her baby (she got pregnant right away!!!!) and told her I hold nothing against them, that I wanted them to be happy, but that our frienship will never be the same.
So I can understand you pretty well. And let me tell you something: that friendship WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. You should talk to her in order to get along in a civilized way, to give some confidence to your kids in order for them to feel that there's nothing wrong, and that they can tell you everything, but don't ever forget what she did.
She was never your friend. She cheated on you. I think you love her more than she ever imagined, but she certainly didn't feel the same for you. And never did.

 
Old 05-08-2004, 02:16 PM   #11
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Re: Complicated situation

Thank you to everyone who responded...and i see you are all right.

There is more to the story though and it makes it even worse i think...i was just trying to keep it short.

We have been divorced for 4 years and he did not leave me for her....i left him so technically she has my trash, not "my place".

When all of this came about my dad was mad and banned her from his house and proceeded to tell me how stupid i was for being friends with her in the first place and that i better not ever talk to her again or i would deserve anything i was dished out. My mom on the other hand didn't see anythng wrong with the situation and felt i should be fine with the whole thing.

My parents are still close with my ex for the sake of the kids. He is welcome at their house and still calls them mom and dad...my dad is the one he calls when he needs help (car breaks down 3 hours from home at 2am and my dad is the one who goes and gets him). That is fine with me, i'm glad their relationship has survived. and i had no problem with him at all...i was able to forgive and forget and i think we had a much better relationship after the divorce than we ever had as a couple.

The other day I went to my parent's house and they were there...sitting in the house visiting like nothing...i had to sit in my car outside until they left cause i couldnt make myself go inside. I felt so betrayed by my family.

so i'm feeling like "who's really missing out here?" i am the only one who hasn't accepted the whole thing and i still get all freaked out when i see her....seems to me i am the only one being punished for this whole thing.

Also...i am not making excuses or anything...but it's hard to give good advice when you don't know the whole story. I see that i should just turn my back on it but it's hard to do when they are still such a big part of my life.

thanks again to everyone...i need to take your advice and find myself a friend worth having, but it's so hard.
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umm, yeah...

 
Old 05-08-2004, 03:30 PM   #12
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Re: Complicated situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by promisez
Think I'll take the unbeaten path. You say the situation makes you upset and your kids see it. They come back from there to you and then can't talk with you about it. If they like the other woman, the communication now goes to her, not you out of fear of upsetting you. Sounds like you'll not only be out a husband but the kids too at this rate. Forgive her as hard as it may be, don't even think about a frienship unless you feel comfortable enough to trust her with your mac card and pin number and let the kids see that she cannot dictate your emotions. In other words, stop giving her free rent space in your head. Kids just know who has the higher integrity in the long run.
this is one of my main concerns...that by not forgiving and forgetting i will drive my kids closer to her
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umm, yeah...

 
Old 05-08-2004, 03:50 PM   #13
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promisez HB User
Re: Complicated situation

I try to attain a high level of patience, tolerance and acceptance of others in my life. In other words, I try not to judge, assign blame or send people to shrinks to deal with a problem that a talk with a good friend would solve. Most of "todays" women don't want someone like me, I'm just too easygoing and predictable but thats OK, I live in peace with myself, have a few very good friends and enjoy life on a VERY strict single guys budget that involves a lot of pop tarts. Upside is I'm always the guy that people call no matter what time it is if there is a serious problem. It's nice to feel needed sometimes
Don't tell the kids they can talk to you, show them they can talk with you about anything. Make it clear open lines of communication are a priority in any relationship and you need to start making those lines be open both ways. If the kids come home and say they had a bad day, ask how you can make ity better. If they had a great day, be happy for them! It takes time, but a day with patience, tolerance and acceptance occuring all at once can be a blessing for you all.

 
Old 05-08-2004, 05:55 PM   #14
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Complicated situation

You do not need to be friends with her in order to be civil.

 
Old 05-10-2004, 06:12 AM   #15
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Complicated situation

Noseyone - I am so sorry to hear your own parents have continued a relationship with your girlfriend.

WELL...Now is the time to Stop beign the outsider and Be on the Inside.
Your right, your girlfriend has your TRASH...You have to laugh about that.
I would have done the same as you, sat outside the house whild your ex-husband & your friend were inside your parents house visiting. OK, but I would only do it once. Next time....You need to keep your head straight, hold it high, walk into your parents house or any place else you may run into the two of them, SMILE, say Hello, and be the better person. You do not need to have a conversation with them..Put a Smile on as if you know something, talk with your parents, walk around their house as if you still live there...YOu have to make your exbestfriend feel uncomfortable while being in your parents house with a SMILE on your face....

Another way of looking at things....You know who your ex is with, you know who your exbestfriend is with....

What about YOU? Someday you will be dating someone...and BOTH your exhusband or your exbestfriend won't know this wonderful guy your dating.
Don't you think....someday when you meet someone speical it won't kill your bestfriend that she too is no longer part of your life and won't know anything about the new guy your dating or how your life is going? YOU know about Her life...LOL but she will not about yours.

Keep, your smile on your face...Talk nice about the two jerks w/your children but don't let on about your life and what's going on with it....
Hope this helps...

 
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