When my husband drove home the woman who catered my parents' 50th anniversary party, she told him that my mother doesn't like him because he doesn't work. Now he is furious with my mother and will likely avoid my parents for awhile.
BTW, he does work part time (from 1995 to 2000 he worked full time and I part time, then we switched) and he now does the bulk of the domestic cleaning; if he were the woman/wife I bet no one would even notice our arrangement (I work full time & have the benefits for the family). Whereas my mother sat on the sofa for 50 years while my father was the sole breadwinner! -- but I know her big mouth and that she likely did gossip behind our backs to the caterer and anyone else in earshot.
My problem is that I am really angry with the caterer but don't know what to do. I am more angry with her than with my mother. What in God's name motivated her to spread family gossip that way? I would like to do something to make sure she does not get hired by anyone I know.
Anyone have anything like this happen? The whole day was going nicely, then ended with me having to listen to my husband ranting and raving for hours after the party. The caterer spoiled the day.
No, your husband's reaction to what the caterer told him spoiled the day. She may have been being sure she understood your mother right, she may have thought she was helping by sharing this information, or she may actually have been trying to be mean spirited. Regardless, your husand's reaction to the information is his responsibility, not hers.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mouse62
What in God's name motivated her to spread family gossip that way?
Ask her, calmly. Then take the opportunity to suggest that it's good for business to behave in a professional way and not become involved in her customers' personal matters.
Yes, I agree, my husband is responsible for overreacting. He spoiled his own day. I felt bad for maybe a half hour after then I pushed it out of my mind.
I can't imagine calling the caterer personally and discussing this. However, that does sound like a good thing to do all around -- I'll think about it tonight.
but I know her big mouth and that she likely did gossip behind our backs to the caterer and anyone else in earshot.
Why am I finding it so difficult to believe you and/or your husband weren't already aware of this because reading your post almost tells me you knew and were very much aware of how she felt about him and your situation. But you kept it quiet to "protect" him and you are now upset because he heard it from someone other than you? If thats the case stop assigning the blame to others and if its not the case at least your husband now knows how she honestly feels about him, even if it did come from a caterer. At least he knows someone was honest here and he can make further decisions based upon the real facts. His reaction spoiled the day, not the caterer in my humble opinion
IT was out of her place to tell him. What motivated her to do so is beyond me but people like to gossip and get a conversation going. Out of speculation maybe she likes him and she couldn't figure anything else to talk about since I am assuming the car ride was quiet.
This here will always be a never ending war with family's. Some family's will never accept your spouse nor may your spouse to accept them. You are there baby and they went you to have the best but if your happy then don't worry about her and explain that to your husband.
yes i have to agree with jeff....it's your marriage and not your mother's...i'm in kinda the same boat...i haven't worked for almost a year now (i've been looking for work though) and MY dad has been getting on my case to get a job...he says it's not right for my hubby to have to take care of me...but once again, it's my marriage...my hubby has no problem with me being a stay at home wife...
it was a little wrong for the caterer to say anything to your husband...she sounds like a big gossiper...but it wasn't proffesional at all for her to bring that into the workplace...
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'to really live you must nearly die'-received from a vietnam vet
My problem is that I am really angry with the caterer but don't know what to do. I am more angry with her than with my mother. What in God's name motivated her to spread family gossip that way? I would like to do something to make sure she does not get hired by anyone I know.
While I agree 100% that the caterer was completely unprofessional and out of line for gossiping to your husband, your mother is more culpable here. She gossiped outside the family. The caterer has no tie to you. Your mother has absolutely no defense for talking about her daughter’s husband to a stranger. I understand why you wold be very upset with the caterer. But I see this a little like the cheating husband and the other women that the wife wants to blame. It is your mother that spoke out of the family and this is more out of line in my book. It does not lessen what the caterer did, but I think the finger should first point to the source of the gossip - Your mother.
We don't want to cut off my parents because our two children love them and love going to their house. Also I tolerate my mother even knowing her shortcomings. But to see them every week or so and then hear she said that to someone not even a relative or a close friend -- that's what my husband can't stand. Yep, once again it comes back to my mother's big mouth. I am good at blocking it out after 41 years!
We don't want to cut off my parents because our two children love them and love going to their house. Also I tolerate my mother even knowing her shortcomings. But to see them every week or so and then hear she said that to someone not even a relative or a close friend -- that's what my husband can't stand. Yep, once again it comes back to my mother's big mouth. I am good at blocking it out after 41 years!
There is no need for your husband to be a baby about this. But if I were he, I would honor your mother for being your mother and his children's grandmother, but I would hold no respect for her.
There is no need for your husband to be a baby about this. But if I were he, I would honor your mother for being your mother and his children's grandmother, but I would hold no respect for her.
Its true Salinas there is not need to be a baby over this because he has what he wants and thats her. Somtimes though, there are some that spend a lot of time trying to impress others and if they don't suceeced then they get very heartbroken over the efforts. He may has tried several times.
It sounds like an issue with your mother, more then some stranger. Don't shoot the messenger, as the saying goes. From his reaction, that was a revelation to him. It's good he was made aware of what people really think of him, so he knows the truth of it, to know the phony bologna...
If your mother is the bigmouth you say you know she is, why are you not upset with her? The caterer clued your husband in and you want to yell at the caterer? Your mother criticized your husband, to whomever, maybe to a room full of people? Whose fault is that. Do you think they (the guests) think more of him by not telling him? What an embarrassment for your husband to deal with. It was your mother who gave the caterer an earful and she was wrong do that. Why have it out with the caterer, what purpose will that serve? The caterer told him in the car ride, in private. If you want to clear the air, have a sit down with your mother and tell her how you feel about her bad mouthing your husband, unless you agree with her in some way...
If the caterer spread that information around at the party, that's different. If your mother spoke that way in front of everyone about your husband, he's probably feeling humiliated. Maybe you should to tell her what you said here about her sitting on the couch for 50yrs. Is that what you think of her? Sound like 2 of the same cloth. If I were you, I would confront this issue with your mother and tell her to not speak that way about your husband again. Your husband has a right to his feelings about not wanting to see your mother for a while, he's been insulted-she talked about him behind his back. She's been found out and brought it on herself.
oh jeff, didn't get back to this post until now...i'm in the same boat cause i'm constantly getting criticism for not working...but the difference is, it's my family doing it and they aren't going behind my back to show their displeasure...it's my marriage not my parents'
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'to really live you must nearly die'-received from a vietnam vet
My in-laws have said awful things to me over the years. I am also aware that because of the way I was raised I am extremely thin-skinned - or at least I WAS - until I spent 14 yrs being insulted by my husband's family. They would be amazed to know how much they used to hurt my feelings because with only one exception I've tried very hard not to let it show.
Your mother isn't going to change - neither are my in-laws.
Your husband would benefit from toughening up his skin layers a bit if possible...
I will never be able to feel like "friends" with any of my in-laws, but I DO manage to coexist on occasions and holidays with them - and believe me, I'm still always relieved to get away...
We went back the next day and my husband was friendly but brief with my mother, just told her to have fun on their trip (for their anniversary they are away for 3 weeks). So the situation is liveable. I did not say anything to the caterer. I guess I was just stunned that someone actually came right out and repeated my mother's gossip! My mother has been gossiping like that forever and the family just ignores it. My husband just thinks my mother is really messed up in her thinking -- he's right.
Not many people can be so lovingly objective about their Moms.
Your husband is very lucky - It sounds like you'll put your husband first - and in a healthy marriage it really has to be that way.
Congrats!
You will both do fine!!
We don't want to cut off my parents because our two children love them and love going to their house. Also I tolerate my mother even knowing her shortcomings. But to see them every week or so and then hear she said that to someone not even a relative or a close friend -- that's what my husband can't stand. Yep, once again it comes back to my mother's big mouth. I am good at blocking it out after 41 years!
Mouse62,
While I understand you don't want to keep your children from their grandmother, I want you to think about this. I don't know how old your children are, but children are very smart and are able to pick up on people's emotions. Do you honestly think that your mother has not made one single comment about your husband in front of your children or hasn't displayed some type of negative behavior? Sooner or later people must take a look at the people they hold dear in their lives and see if they are an asset or a liability to a relationship. I think of people who stick their noses in other's business as "toxic" people. They can have a negative impact on one's relationship with another. Anyone who has a negative impact on any relationship, in my opinion, is not worth having in my life.
Just my thought.
P
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Well, this won't be much help but I thought I would put my thoughts in.
I would be angry at your mother for talking about personal business to someone who has no business to know anything about your husband/family.
And I would be angry at the caterer for opening her big mouth. Neither your mother or the caterer had any right to spread family gossip and the caterer had no right to spread family gossip either. I can understand your husband being upset that day. And if the day was ruined, in my opinion, I would not put blame on him. I would first blame your mother then the caterer. This is only my personal opinions and I would make sure each guilty party knew how I felt.
