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Old 05-11-2004, 04:17 PM   #1
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mary2468 HB User
Unhappy should exes be friends?

I'm wanting to know different people's opinion on a widely debated topic...should exes be friends? I mean, can two people who used to be in love be platonic friends without there being some other underlying feelings?

The reason I ask is b/c I had to meet my current boyfriend's ex a couple days ago. For some background, she was the only other girl he's ever loved and they dated for about 1 year. My current relationship with him is pretty serious (we both love each other very much). Back to her though, he explained that they were friends before they dated and after they broke up they maintained the friendship. Right now, she lives about 6 hrs away and they don't talk on the phone or anything, so they're not that close, but she is friends w/ all of his friends that he's had since like middle school, so their friendship goes back pretty far. I didn't want to meet her, but she was coming to visit the town where he and all his friends live & he wanted me to meet her, so I did, and needless to say, it was pretty awkward. I'm not sure what exactly bothers me so much about her, but I don't really want to get to know her, talk to her, anything her. I'd really like it, actually, if she just stayed out of our lives, but I'm not sure how possible this is.

Additionally, this is jumping the gun, but say we get married a few years from now...do I have to invite her to the wedding since she's still his "friend" and friends w/ all of his friends. I wouldn't want her to be there, b/c it would upset me, but I wouldn't want him to resent me for anything like that either.

What do you guys think?
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Old 05-11-2004, 08:37 PM   #2
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Re: should exes be friends?

Ok...I believe ex's can be friends as long as it doesn't ruin your recent relationship. If it causes problems then they need to leave the picture. ex's can be great people to hold on to but if there are some benefits after the break up then you don't want them while in a relationship. As for hanging out with an ex. it shouldn't be alone. Again these are just my thoughts

As for your friend going to the wedding well just wait till the time comes.

Last edited by eightball61; 05-11-2004 at 09:07 PM.

 
Old 05-11-2004, 09:29 PM   #3
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monkeygirl777 HB User
Re: should exes be friends?

Ewww, I sympathize, what an uncomfortable situation. Sounds like you handled it with grace though. I think if he still wants to be friends with her, you have to let it be and not show any kind of jealousy or discomfort. It's not like he's calling her and hanging out alone with her or anything, so it seems just a casual friendship. You have to remember that they were friends before, and that they did break up after their shot at a relationship, and relationships that break up probably wouldn't work anyway, and that you have him now. It must be even more uncomfortable for her to see you with the guy she used to be with, especially if he was the one that broke it off. So, just continue to act with grace. As for the wedding, if she wasn't the ex, would her role in the scheme of things warrant an invitation, like are all the other friends on her level of friendship coming? Then it would probably be appropriate to invite. She may decided she's too uncomfortable with it and not come anyway. He loves you, he chose you, don't worry!

 
Old 05-11-2004, 09:57 PM   #4
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moe2121 HB User
Re: should exes be friends?

i say definitely not if your in a new relationship. It will cause problems.
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Old 05-12-2004, 03:29 AM   #5
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sealover HB Usersealover HB User
Re: should exes be friends?

I really feel for what you are going through. I just posted a message asking for comments because my sister & her husband happened by accident to meet my sister's ex-boyfriend & his wife. Now they all want to get together and be friendly. I think this whole situation is weird because my sister and her ex-boyfriend used to be in love. I don't know how this will all work out.

I realize your situation is a difficult one. I hope you get good advice here.

Last edited by sealover; 05-12-2004 at 03:30 AM.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 04:21 AM   #6
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Joseph Orion HB User
Re: should exes be friends?

My ex girlfriend and I have started talking to each other again and I felt that we really had this friendly chemistry between us. Something we only had in the beginning of our relationship. Well she's happily with someone and I definitely didn't want to tread on her relationship you know? And so after we talked some I suggested that her and her boyfriend go out sometime and get a drink or two. Maybe a dinner, playing pool. Anything. And she said no. She basically said she couldn't hang out with me because "it isn't right" I told her that I have no feelings for her like that anymore and that since we were best friends before our relationship, we could be friends again. I told her that I was happy that she was happy with someone and she still said it wasn't right. I told her that I didn't think it was a big deal because we were going to be going out together, not alone. I don't want her boyfriend to be jealous or uncomfortable and so I wanted to get to know him so that my ex and I could become good friends again. She said she doesn't even want to talk to me on the phone. And then I guess it really hurt when she said "You are an old chapter for me, and Richard is the new chapter in my life. I don't want any of that mixing" and I understand that it truly is how it is but I guess I had this false sense of friendship. I told her if she wants me to remain a screenname to her, then I guess that's what I'll have to do to be her friend. I asked her what it would take to be good friends again and then I suggested the very ridiculous idea of us both being happily married first and she said "I don't know, could be..." So I don't know. I think if 2 people want to be friends, then it can work.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 07:42 AM   #7
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: should exes be friends?

Relationships don't always have to end on a bitter note. It could be that the two people involved decided to go their separate ways in a friendly matter.

Since you know this girl was your boyfriend's frist love...that is where the problem is as well as all his friends still keep in contact w/her and are still friendly. That will be tough on you and I feel for you....When she comes up to visit and your introduced to her....look your best, be nice, say hello.
You don't have to be her friend but you can be friendly...She did nothing to you but again I DO KNOW how you feel...

The girl lives 6hours away, you are the one w/your boyfriend...If the two of you become real serious the exgirlfriend will phase out of his life as well as his friends life because YOU are w/him...and NO, you don't need to invite her to your wedding...She may also be feeling alittle strange having to meet you too.
After all...you are now with that great guy that she once had and they are friends because there is no hate there...got it? She probably wishes you two well, maybe she will be bringing her new boyfriend w/her?

Unless there is more to this story? If not, try hard not to stress and like I said...Smile, Look your best, and be friendly....
Good Luck!

 
Old 05-12-2004, 08:02 AM   #8
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promisez HB User
Re: should exes be friends?

My ex wife and I are friends, we still meet for cappuccinos. My ex also knows AND LIKES my first ex wife. My first wife works for my girlfriend I had between the two marraiges. Welcome to Daves World, or what society today would deem "Dysfunction Junction". I am blessed by having true friends and knowing that burning bridges between people makes absolutely no sense. I prefer to think of it as "I don't pick no junk". We not only do get along but we all sat down to dinner. People make their own heavens and hells yet everyone I know has a halo. If they had a trident, they could still sit at my table and feel welcome. I'm sure the halo would follow soon thereafter. Its the people not directly involved that have the problem and attempt to judge what others "may do" or who they "should know". My humble opinion, people need to start living their own lives and stop trying to live others lives or tell them how they should act. These are the people afraid to face their own realities.

ps: my two ex's have already decided they are going on a cruise together from the inheritance money when I die. I told them to have fun, they were a part of my life and will be beneficiaries unless I meet someone new...but the cruise money would still be there for them.

Last edited by promisez; 05-12-2004 at 08:05 AM.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 12:01 PM   #9
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: should exes be friends?

promisez - You are such a sweetheart!

 
Old 05-12-2004, 09:53 PM   #10
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mary2468 HB User
Post Re: should exes be friends?

well, i actually had to meet her a couple days ago, and it was...um...well, it was awkward. we met them out at a bar, where she was already hanging out w/ a couple of his friends (including his roommate), so she was really drunk by the time we got there, while I was completely sober. she said it was sooo nice to meet me, that she'd heard a lot about me, and she gave me a hug, but it could have all been fake...who knows? i don't really care if it was fake or not...i didnt want to hug her back, but i wasnt about to be rude to my boyfriend's "friend." i really had nothing to say to her....i mean, my mind was literally blank. needless to say i was relieved when i made my escape and only hung out w/ my boyfriend the rest of the night. besides introducing her to me, he didn't really talk to her at all, so i guess they're not that good of friends. i dunno...i guess it just kinda bothers me b/c he doesnt understand that it IS awkward for me, regardless of if they're friends or not, b/c to me she's still just his EX! maybe im just being picky...or bratty, i dunno. we didn't get into any fights over it or anything...i just ended up getting a little upset about the whole situation in front of him and cried a little (the first time he's ever seen me cry). he was really good though...he held me and made sure i was ok, and asked why i was upset and all that good stuff....i guess im just worried about this situation coming up again, and how i should handle the whole thing...im kinda hoping she just fades out of our lives.

ps sorry for rambling
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Old 05-12-2004, 10:39 PM   #11
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Re: should exes be friends?

Well, Mary2468, I *don't* think that all ex'es can be friends. I think it depends on a)what sort of "relationship" they had prior to his dating you (e.g. were they friends w/benefits, or were they seriously dating and intimate?), b)whether the ex still has a romantic interest in your guy, c)whether the ex respects the new "boundaries" that are established by virtue of his dating *you* now, and d)what sort of unresolved (if any) feelings your guy has for this ex.

I am in a similar situation; a LOT of my SO's previous gf's, "playfriends," and platonic female friends from his past (as in years ago and without recent contact) have been coming out of the woodwork and wanting to reconnect w/him. I'm not sure *why* it pours when it rains , but I am trying to look at each situation individually. Incidentally, one of my SO's closest female platonic friends *IS* an ex-GF, but they only dated for like 3 weeks, and they weren't that intimate, and she has her own man now. Thus, she's A-OK in my books! The other girls, however...should beware!

 
Old 05-13-2004, 05:08 AM   #12
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mary2468 HB User
Re: should exes be friends?

no, they were very serious, she was the first and only other girl he's ever loved and they dated for over a year, and yes, they were intimate...which i guess i one of the major reasons im upset.
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Old 05-13-2004, 06:13 AM   #13
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: should exes be friends?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mary2468
well, i actually had to meet her a couple days ago, and it was...um...well, it was awkward. we met them out at a bar, where she was already hanging out w/ a couple of his friends (including his roommate), so she was really drunk by the time we got there, while I was completely sober. she said it was sooo nice to meet me, that she'd heard a lot about me, and she gave me a hug, but it could have all been fake...who knows? i don't really care if it was fake or not...i didnt want to hug her back, but i wasnt about to be rude to my boyfriend's "friend." i really had nothing to say to her....i mean, my mind was literally blank. needless to say i was relieved when i made my escape and only hung out w/ my boyfriend the rest of the night. besides introducing her to me, he didn't really talk to her at all, so i guess they're not that good of friends. i dunno...i guess it just kinda bothers me b/c he doesnt understand that it IS awkward for me, regardless of if they're friends or not, b/c to me she's still just his EX! maybe im just being picky...or bratty, i dunno. we didn't get into any fights over it or anything...i just ended up getting a little upset about the whole situation in front of him and cried a little (the first time he's ever seen me cry). he was really good though...he held me and made sure i was ok, and asked why i was upset and all that good stuff....i guess im just worried about this situation coming up again, and how i should handle the whole thing...im kinda hoping she just fades out of our lives.

ps sorry for rambling
I think you handled yourself Great! You do not sound bratty at all, your boyfriend doesn't understand because, sounds like he has no feelings for his ex at all and HE did spend the night w/you...Sounds like you have a great guy there and your feelings are totally understandable...

I'm sure the upcoming visit is making you uneasy and you have every right to feel this way, your only human with natural emotions.. sweetie...You did a great job the first time meeting the girl and you can do it again...She will fade out soon enough..Just stay strong, positive, look your best hang with your boyfriend but don't smother him, don't get mad if you see him have a conversation w/her..join him, don't act jealous because Your better then that and You do get to go home with him after..
good luck...

 
Old 05-13-2004, 08:42 AM   #14
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eightball61 HB User
Re: should exes be friends?

Quote:
Originally Posted by msloquacious
think that all ex'es can be friends. I think it depends on a)what sort of "relationship" they had prior to his dating you (e.g. were they friends w/benefits, or were they seriously dating and intimate?), b)whether the ex still has a romantic interest in your guy, c)whether the ex respects the new "boundaries" that are established by virtue of his dating *you* now, and d)what sort of unresolved (if any) feelings your guy has for this ex.

I really do agree....may we need to say more

 
Old 05-13-2004, 11:16 AM   #15
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smartgal HB User
Re: should exes be friends?

I was with the same guy for 11 years, we are still good friends 6 years later. He comes to my house and watches movies and there is never anything between us except friendship. After all, we broke up for a reason!

 
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