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Old 05-11-2004, 03:22 PM   #1
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Oh boy!

Okay, This is my first post here and i feel like such an idiot for letting this happen. Me and a friend decided to get into a "physical only" relationship. I know.. dumb move. (WITH the "string" that we are only physical with each other, his idea)
Its actually going really great, no real problems at ALL, except I am SOO starting to fall for him. I was really afraid how I'd feel doing the whole "booty call" thing, but it really doesnt feel like that and he makes me feel special.(hes the 2nd guy I've ever been with and the first was an intense, commited 5 year relationship ) I know that if things go well with us ( he stated his view on relationships of this sort before anything at all happened) that he WILL commit into a regular relationship. But I'm also not THAT naive to know that he may have just been saying that to make it seem like a better idea. I am SO confused.. do I tell him how I feel and totally risk scaring him away? Just play it cool and continue on? Or do I end things now before I get REALLY hurt? K, I know this isnt much information, so really I'm not expecting too many answers, I guess I just needed to get this off of my chest!
Anyways.. thanks for reading this!
Take care all!

 
Old 05-11-2004, 06:24 PM   #2
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Saka HB User
Re: Oh boy!

This is how my relationship with my b/f started. I was planning to join the Navy and he'd just been burnt by a woman he liked so we were happy to just have sex and leave it at that. Until I had to go and start to fall for him.

I now had to make a choice of whether to leave him for the Navy or see if we could start a relationship. I had no idea how he felt about me and it scared me. So I finally worked up the courage and asked him where we were going and if he was willing to start up a proper relationship with me. He was reluctant at first simply b/c he wasn't sure if he wanted to be involved with someone at the time.

But of course the answer was yes, and we've been together for 15 months now. So in my experience it was a good thing to ask. If he'd said no I could then make a decision of whether or not to continue the sex or get out before I got too hurt.

I suggest asking him. If he says yes, then good on you. If no, then you can get out while the getting is good.

 
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Old 05-11-2004, 07:53 PM   #3
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Oh boy!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crystaltears
Okay, This is my first post here and i feel like such an idiot for letting this happen. Me and a friend decided to get into a "physical only" relationship. I know.. dumb move. (WITH the "string" that we are only physical with each other, his idea)
Its actually going really great, no real problems at ALL, except I am SOO starting to fall for him. I was really afraid how I'd feel doing the whole "booty call" thing, but it really doesnt feel like that and he makes me feel special.(hes the 2nd guy I've ever been with and the first was an intense, commited 5 year relationship ) I know that if things go well with us ( he stated his view on relationships of this sort before anything at all happened) that he WILL commit into a regular relationship. But I'm also not THAT naive to know that he may have just been saying that to make it seem like a better idea. I am SO confused.. do I tell him how I feel and totally risk scaring him away? Just play it cool and continue on? Or do I end things now before I get REALLY hurt? K, I know this isnt much information, so really I'm not expecting too many answers, I guess I just needed to get this off of my chest!
Anyways.. thanks for reading this!
Take care all!
I wish madskillz was here for this one...As she said before girls do let emotions get involved on stuff like this. This was bound to happen whitin time.

As for telling him; you need to do so before your heart gets torn even more. Telling him will let you know where you stand. If he leaves well let him go because its his fault thats all he wanted. Then you can go find somone better.

Last edited by eightball61; 05-11-2004 at 08:11 PM.

 
Old 05-11-2004, 10:31 PM   #4
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breezy1043 HB User
Re: Oh boy!

yeah you know what they say, if you love something, let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be, if it doesn't, well, guess it wasn't.

i've got a guy that's sorta like that. he wants pretty much a physical relationship and i'm all like screw that buddy. but, i do love the guy. i mean i for real love him, but i've unfortunately come to the realization that he'll more than likely just use me, or that he doesn't know how to establish a meaningful relationship without basing it primarily on sex... really makes me sad cuz he looks so good n is so smart, but he is sorta a douche bag.

oh, i also told him i loved him as a friend and pretty much wanted to be his girl n all kindsa sweet little things that would make the average person puke. but i think since i've told him that he sorta has an errogance about him like yea that's one on the list kinda attitude. so i duno dude, be true to urself.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 02:01 AM   #5
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Re: Oh boy!

My advice is to ask him how he feels about you and the possibility of starting a relationship, that you've developed feelings for him. Go over in your mind what you will say to him so that you are prepared. You never know, he may be harboring the same feelings for you! If he doesn't feel the same way, you have choices: you can continue to keep your relationship on the level that it is now (but it will be more difficult for you because you have deep feelings for him), or you can stop the physical relationship and move on to find a man to develop a committed relationship with.

Remember to not sell yourself short. Don't settle for less. You deserve to be in a committed relationship if that is what you want. And if this man doesn't want to move to the next level, then it would be healthier for you to move on and not continue the physical-only relationship.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 03:48 AM   #6
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Re: Oh boy!

Crystal, don't feel lonely. Yours is the identical post that shows up here every other week telling the woes of a women that somehow, despite all that she has learned or heard throughout her life to the contrary, believed she could have a sex only relationship without feelings becoming uncomfortably complicated.

Simple advice. If you want to continue to feel as you feel now, continue doing what you are doing. If you wish to be unburdened with these uncomfortable feelings, stop doing what you are doing. It really is that simple.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 06:01 AM   #7
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Re: Oh boy!

You might consider being honest with him but take a different approach. You initiate the breakup and tell him why. Tell him you have develped feelings for him that go beyond the original agreement. It was not your intent but that is the way its turned out to be. Basically, you will force him to make a decision.
If he decides not to continue your relationship, it was never meant to be. It would have been inevitable and you would have been wasting your time and setting yourself up for an emotional let down.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 06:23 AM   #8
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promisez HB User
Re: Oh boy!

Read 90% of these boards and you'll find one thing in common, as Salinas has said. People want answers yet they never communicate with the RIGHT person for fear of getting an answer they don't want to hear (my humble opinion). One thing I enjoy about this board is that the regulars here don't coddle anyone, they speak their mind. If one needs a fire lit under their butt to pursue a suggested course of action, most here will light the match also. My suggestion, talk to the right person. Who's got the matches

 
Old 05-12-2004, 06:30 AM   #9
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Re: Oh boy!

See promisez & Salinas1 make sense and are right....

What I don't understand is What are you Afraid of? Losing the guy your having causal sex with.....If you trust him enough to have a physical only relationship you don't trust him enough to share how you really feel?

SO, you may as well as sleep or have a physical only relationship with a total stranger....Your afraid of Rejection...HELLO! who isn't....Difference is you have already carried on a sexual relationship now you want to start from the beginning - a Relationship that leads to commitment then physcial.

You either confront him on how you feel, deal with it, either it will work to your advantage or it will not...That's life and that is the chance you tooked.
You were mature enough to have Sex now be mature enough to Communicate your feelings....

good luck to you...

 
Old 05-12-2004, 02:58 PM   #10
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Crystaltears HB User
Re: Oh boy!

Thank you guys so much for ALL your wonderful advice. I guess I knew the right thing to do all along, but needed to hear it from someoene else too.

But how IRONIC is it that I'm pretty sure last night was the end of it all, or else I am being seriously paranoid. BUT we did our "thang" last night and then hes all cuddly and lovey.. telling me how cute i was blah blah blah.. THEN the phone rings at 1am!!!! Hmmm , thats cool.. he proceeds to say to the caller whom i could tell was a woman "dont worry nothing will happen" and repeated that a few times, hmmm alrighty... they talk for a few more minutes and he hangs up. It was all okay until she calls back 30 seconds later. He then starts telling her what he did today and who he visited with online etc.. he states everything except even the fact that he had company at the moment, and wouldnt even mention visiting with me that day.. HMMMMMMMMM..... And THEN when he sais goodbye, he pretty much asked me to leave because he knew she would be calling him back again.THATS when i was ******... So i said goodbye and left.(probably squealed my tires a lil too hehe)
About an hour later that night he messages me and tells me he's so sorry etc etc, but it was a friends who's boyfriend was at work and she needed him to come check her furnace because she was scared it was going to blow up.. UH HUH... he could have just told me that then, I could have given him a RIDE.. but instead he WALKS over there, after I leave? ummm nooooo.. lol.. K. like i said I may just be paranoid, but I have been on the otherside of that phone too many times, and refuse to be "the other woman" here. So yeah, I told him.. okay.. "dont worry about it.. it IS just a phyiscal thing afterall..no feelings". ( all along hes been treating it as a bit more BESIDES last night) I am not going to see him again, even if it was an innocent call last night, he made me feel USED for the first time, and it will definetly be the last. Ahh well, everything in life is a learning expirience , right?
Thanks again all for ALL your advice, you guys rock!

 
Old 05-12-2004, 11:05 PM   #11
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Re: Oh boy!

Crystaltears,

It's true that sometimes we learn the hard way...

That scenario you just described would have me wondering about his honesty also. You don't trust him and are wondering if he's involved with another woman.

I'm sorry to say that in a way, you set yourself up for disappointment by getting involved in a physical-only type of relationship before taking things more slowly by dating first and then with time becoming physically involved. But take the whole situation as a learning experience.

As I said before, you deserve better! Don't let yourself be used for sex...sure, he's not going to complain because he's having his needs full-filled. Seems you took a good inventory of the situation, so trust your intuition and follow your instincts.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 11:21 PM   #12
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Crystaltears HB User
Re: Oh boy!

Thanks for your words sealover , and yes you are right I did set myself up for this. I kind of figured something like this would happen at the beginning but I was too stupid to not continue on with it anyways, lol as they always say it seemed like a good idea at the time. I'm not too upset I guess, I'm just glad I never laid everything on the table and made him think I was in love with him or something, that would have been kind of harsh. I dont trust him at all now, and I dont want to get into another relationship where trust is an issue. I'm also not too upset for him "using me" because in all honesty, I used him for the same thing, I was just more honest about things. And the only time he left me feeling used is this last time, but once is enough for me. Its funny though, because now he is emailing me and telling me he wants a relationship etc, because he knows he's lost me... heheh too funny.
So yeah, all i can say is I have definetly learned and thank you all again for your honest opinons and advice.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 11:23 PM   #13
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jete23 HB User
Re: Oh boy!

My roommate got into one of these situations, which is unforetunately continuing. Just be honest-tell him how you feel and what you want. If he says no, then let it go. But, if you aren't content with your present situation, and he's not going to give you what you want, don't be a doormat. I have been watching my roomate go through this for a year and a half, and it hasn't gotten her anywhere.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 11:35 PM   #14
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Re: Oh boy!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crystaltears
.. About an hour later that night he messages me and tells me he's so sorry etc etc, but it was a friends who's boyfriend was at work and she needed him to come check her furnace because she was scared it was going to blow up..
Yeah right ... check her furnace..... better known as her hot box. You are doing the right thing. You are better off without him.

 
Old 05-13-2004, 12:01 AM   #15
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Re: Oh boy!

LOL TOO funny.. yet true!!!

 
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