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Old 05-11-2004, 05:39 PM   #1
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what am I gonna do with him? Please help me!

Please forgive me cause this is so long, but I really want you to be informed so I can get the best possible advise...

Last November I met a guy and we hit it off right away. I admit that the first initial meeting was probably 80% sexualy chemistry. It was the kind of sexual chemistry that you only read about in a romance novel. He lived in another town 8 hours away. We spent the next several months seeing each other every second weekend or longer if he was in town for a particular reason like work related or something. The sexual chemistry got so much stronger because the level of intimacy just kept getting more and more obvious. One day I realized that when I thought about him the old sexual feeling didn't come into my mind as much, it turned into the way he looked at me or the way he would trade me meals when we went out for dinner if I didn't like what I ordered, the way he still blushes when I talk to him. My friends all adore him and they all think he is the best thing that could ever have happened to me.

At 32 years old I have to admit that no one has ever made me feel the way he does. I have never desired anyone so much. I have totally fallen in love with this guy for the first time in my life. I have been in a couple long term relationships where I have been hurt, used, and abused so I never really fessed up to him about how I felt about him and he never really did either, other than he would tell me how much he misses me when we are not together or that he thinks about me everyday, stuff like that.

I have a child who is almost a teenager from a previous relationship, who he has been aware of from day 1 but he never met. I guess I was protecting her until I was sure of the seriousness of the relationship. 3 weeks ago he was coming back into town for work for 2 weeks and he asked me about maybe meeting her. I figured it was time and agreed. It went very well and they totally clicked. He told me she was a sweetheart and that he was suprised how well it went and couldn't understand why he was so nervous. Later that night he totally opened up to me and confessed how much he cared for me. He said the sweetest, most beautiful things to me I ever heard in my life. I was never so touched by a man and I didn't know how to handle it...I just wanted to cry! Stupid me, all I could say was, I care for you so much more than I ever thought I would!

This is where the story gets very confusing.... he left that night, I drove him back to the hotel and when he was getting out of the car he said when do u want to see me again, I asked, what is good for you with your schedule and he said soon, very soon, I'll call you tomorrow, kissed me and said you are the most incredible and wonderful woman I ever met! He got out of the car and I have not heard from him since. I tried calling him several times and his cell phone (he only has a cell phone) just goes to an automated voice msg. saying this customer can not be contacted at this time please call back later. It has been 2.5 weeks and I am losing my mind, I cry everyday and I am so confused. He gave me a couple of his friends numbers previously in case of emergency or something but I am really reluctant to call them. I do know he is alive because he checked out of the hotel the day he was supposed to leave cause I was worried so I called the hotel the afternoon after he was supposed to leave and just said I was calling to confirm his checkout and the hotel receptionist said he checked out at 9am.

I really don't know what to do, I don't know what happened or where things went so wrong...I am terribly hurting right now. What should I do? Should I just hold off for a couple weeks and see if he phones and if he doesn't then call his friend and ask him to give him a message to call me or should I just try my best to move on? I don't want to look like I am stalking him but at the same time I don't want him to think he wasn't worth me attempting to contact him. If he has had second thoughts about the way he feels about me then I can deal with that and move on but for the first time in my life I crave that closure and with not talking to him I'll never get that. Please, please try to give me some insight as to the reasons he might have done this or what I should or shouldn't do in this situation! Thank you so much!

 
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Old 05-11-2004, 07:10 PM   #2
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Re: what am I gonna do with him? Please help me!

maybe he is married

 
Old 05-11-2004, 07:51 PM   #3
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Re: what am I gonna do with him? Please help me!

No, I don't think he is married cause he invited me to go to his company Xmas party in his town with him, offered me to come to his place to visit him and when he was here at my house he called his mother on his birthday and he told her he was at (my name) house. They had a discussion about how well the meeting with him and my child went and such. I have met a few of his friends and friend's wives both from my town and his. I think I would have picked up some kinda vibe from someone by now. I am pretty sure he is not married, but thanks for the advise.

 
Old 05-11-2004, 08:09 PM   #4
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Re: what am I gonna do with him? Please help me!

OH my god, I can only imagine what you're going through honey. It's just too strange that a man who treated you in such a wonderful way could pull something like a disappearing act worthy of Houdini. It must be absolutely unbearable for you to have all kinds of scenarios going in your head. I mean, the guy confesses his love for you, wants to meet your child, tells you you're the most wonderful woman he's ever met, and then he vanishes?? I would call his friend, just to rule out any possibility of an accident, etc. Just for your own peace of mind, call his friends and try to find out what happened. I can't imagine anyone refusing to help you in this situation. The other poster might be right, this guy might in fact be married. If he's healthy and alive but won't call you to even give you the courtesy of a break up, then I don't know what kind of a man would do that. A major coward only could hurt a woman like that, especially knowing you have a child and have had your heart broken in previous relationships. If he's single but got scared of the possible responsibility of being involved with a woman who has a child, it still would be SO incredibly wrong not to talk to you but just vanish into thin air like that. Oh, I can almost feel your pain. Please try to stay calm and definitely call his friends. You need to know what's going on. Then you will have an idea how to proceed.

 
Old 05-11-2004, 08:30 PM   #5
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Re: what am I gonna do with him? Please help me!

Also, doesn't he have a work number? Did you try calling him at work?

 
Old 05-11-2004, 08:32 PM   #6
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Re: what am I gonna do with him? Please help me!

Hi Sophia, thank you so much for your reply. I really want to call him or his friends but maybe he just needs some time to think about this and acess how he feels. If this is the case I still don't agree with the vanishing act by any means. He did this for a week once before when things started getting a bit serious, he eventually called and came to see me again. I asked him why he did that, he said he was just so overwhelmed and it was a lot of feelings and emotions he just never experienced before. I wasn't happy with him but I kinda understood cause I feel the same way, I am actually very scared of how much I feel for him, this is very new to me and I feel confused too, but the difference is that I would never intentially hurt him like he is doing to me.

He works on construction sites so he is in different locations all the time, he just goes where the job takes him day to day, so no there is no phone # for work. He told me the company's name so I suppose there is a home office somewhere in his town but he is a foreman so he is onsite not in an office.

Last edited by confused2much; 05-11-2004 at 08:35 PM. Reason: new information

 
Old 05-11-2004, 08:56 PM   #7
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Re: what am I gonna do with him? Please help me!

If he is overwhelmed and needs time to sort things out, he should have told you so. It is unusually cruel to vanish for more than two weeks without a trace, right after telling you all these great things and right after meeting your daughter, which was HIS idea. Huge red flag to me. You do have a right to know what's going on. I would be worried if he's ok and would call his friends immediately. That wouldn't make you look like a fool, just like a caring, concerned girlfriend. But, you seem to believe he's not calling on purpose, because he got scared. Well, you know him better, and since he was capable of doing it on one occasion, you think he's probably doing it again. If that turns out to be the case, watch out for him. Really. No loving, caring man could put a woman in such a position. He knows fully well you're worried about him and you have no clue what's going on. And he won't even call, write, communicate in ANY way to let you know that he's ok? I can only tell you what I would do in this situation. I would call to make sure he's physically unhurt. Then, if it turns out he pulled this disappearing act on purpose, I would have nothing to do with him. Because in my eyes, he could no longer be called a MAN.

 
Old 05-11-2004, 10:33 PM   #8
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Wink Re: what am I gonna do with him? Please help me!

Oh - I feel terrible for you. What a miserable feeling of frustration that must be! I have been in semi-similar situations & so have most other people. Two weeks is too long for him to "just need time" in my opinion. A week maybe, but two? I think that there is a small possibility that something may have happened, but I would bet that he either felt overwhelmed by all that was said & dating someone with a child (the reality of that does not sink in until they meet the child), or he is seeing someone else/married & is a complete con - I don't know. I hope that it is something that can be worked out between you two! Do you call him on his home phone? Have you heard his voicemail on his home phone? Have you ever been to his home? These are all things to think about. Regardless of what happens, time heals all wounds and you ARE GOING TO BE JUST FINE!!! That may feel like bull**** right now, but it is so true.

 
Old 05-11-2004, 11:40 PM   #9
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Re: what am I gonna do with him? Please help me!

I don't even know what to say or think anymore. All I know is that this all feels pretty crappy! He does not have a home phone but, up until this last 2 weeks I could call him anytime of the day or night and he would answer and talk to me. I think that would be pretty hard to do while living with someone else. He invited me to go to his Company Xmas party with him and stay at his place and the morning of the party when I was going to leave there was a big snow storm and I was worried to drive. He gave me his credit card number to phone to get a plane ticket but the flight into his town for that day was booked so I didn't end up going. He has invited me to go there on other occasions but finding someone to look after my daughter for a whole weekend was not the easiest thing to do when you don't have any family in town or any close close friends you would trust to leave your child with. At the time she wasn't introduced to him yet so I didn't want to bring her with me. One of the husband and wife couples I met here in my town live next door to him and she (the friends wife) was saying things like "oh u will have to come visit and I can take you out and show you around and stuff" I don't know but they all seemed pretty sincere and not hiding anything like a secret wife or anything.

I don't know at this point if anything can be worked out cause I am just too damn hurt. This is exactly why I have never allowed myself to fall in love with anyone before. I feel like such an idiot!

 
Old 05-12-2004, 08:41 AM   #10
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Re: what am I gonna do with him? Please help me!

Don't feel like an idiot. It doesn't sound like he is married. I think that you should try getting in touch with a friend of his, but don't call all of them and only call one time. Simply say that you were worried about him & to just tell him that you called concerned. Leave it at that. If he still does not call, then try not to obsess over why & do your best to let it go. I know that is easier said than done, but that is the only choice you will have if he choses not to call you. If he stays gone for another month and then tries to get back with you, try to resist. It isn't fair for someone to pop in and out of your life at their convenience.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 11:45 AM   #11
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Re: what am I gonna do with him? Please help me!

I wish I didn't feel like an idiot but clearly I missed something with him. I am very reluctant to call him or his friends right away because I don't want him to make a snap decision on our future out of pressure or because he feels he needs to to make me happy and then regret it later. Right now I am trying to focus on the idea that he is gone and that I need to move on. I know a few months/weeks down the road I will call him and ask what happened. Maybe then it will be easier to handle. I hate to admit this but I don't know if I will be able to resist if he calls me first. How pathetic is that?? I have always been the strong one, the one who had a good grip on my emotions and always had realistic perception of all my relationships whether it be in love, friendship, family, work or whatever...this guy works me over hard core!

 
Old 05-12-2004, 03:14 PM   #12
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Re: what am I gonna do with him? Please help me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by confused2death
I wish I didn't feel like an idiot but clearly I missed something with him. I am very reluctant to call him or his friends right away because I don't want him to make a snap decision on our future out of pressure or because he feels he needs to to make me happy and then regret it later. Right now I am trying to focus on the idea that he is gone and that I need to move on. I know a few months/weeks down the road I will call him and ask what happened. Maybe then it will be easier to handle. I hate to admit this but I don't know if I will be able to resist if he calls me first. How pathetic is that?? I have always been the strong one, the one who had a good grip on my emotions and always had realistic perception of all my relationships whether it be in love, friendship, family, work or whatever...this guy works me over hard core!
2.5 weeks can hardly be described as "right away." I think, for your own sanity, you should call and find out what's going on. That can't possibly make things any worse than they are right now. If I were in that situation, I'd like to know why my boyfriend is not calling like he said he would, especially that everything seemed to go so good between him and your daughter. Is it just me or is this extremely strange that the guy is not calling? I would be worried as hell if I hadn't heard from him in a couple of days, and would call his friends right away to find out what happened. I mean, if the man was calling you every day or every couple of days before, and then all of a sudden stopped--do you consider that normal? My first fear would be that someting happened to him, not that he ditched me. Don't you want to know, just to ease your mind? I don't understand you, to be honest.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 03:27 PM   #13
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Re: what am I gonna do with him? Please help me!

Well, I understand why you don't want to call. I would probably feel the same way. I have a lot of pride for one thing, sometimes I'm am hesitant to find out what is going on in a situation if I think that what I will have to face will be extremely hurtful (even though I may already be hurting - sometimes ignorance is bliss), and also your gut may be telling you that nothing is wrong & that he is purposely avoiding you. Anyway, I do suggest that you call and get it over with. Call once and let it be. Don't whine to a friend or sound especially upset - just sound concerned.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 03:51 PM   #14
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Re: what am I gonna do with him? Please help me!

Call all his friends, call them every day. Who cares how it looks, or what he thinks. After all he said to you. You deserve to have your closure, and that means talking to him. You have a right to it. This is some crap, what a heartless bas*&$

 
Old 05-12-2004, 04:06 PM   #15
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Re: what am I gonna do with him? Please help me!

Poor thing, I dont know how I would manage if I were in your shoes. I dont quite know what the right thing to do is, but I feel like he's had enough time to think things over etc. If anything, he should realize that he's hurting you in a very very cruel way. As much as he treated you in the most sweetest and caring way, what he is doing right now is very hurtful.
I agree with everyone else, I think you need to go ahead and make phonecalls. It's no longer about what would others think, you should at least save yourself from having to worry or wonder day and night. If he had introduced you to his friends, then you calling them up should be fine. You may be reluctant to do it but at least youll have a better idea of what is going on if you find out anything from them. Good luck and take care.

 
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