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Old 05-11-2004, 06:07 PM   #1
Junior Member
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 35
Makenna HB User
Why do I feel so guilty??

I have posted here before about all the problems that I have been having with my soon to be ex husband.
For those of you who don't know, my husband and I were married for 5 years, and he was very verbally and mentally abusive and at times physically abusive. We have two small children ages 4 and 5.
I knew that our marriage was not good, but was not very willing to admit to myself or my family that I had made a mistake. While I was at home with my children on maternity leave, my husband was going out all the time. Would not come home from work for hours, was out drinking with his buddies. Then I found out that he was gambling all of our money away. I confronted him about it, and I was told that it was "his money" and he would do with it what he wanted.
Soon I began suffering from an extreme panic disorder, and was physically sick ( lost 26 pounds, constant headaches, bad stomach, etc.) I began going to a councellor to try and cope. I asked him to come with me, told him that we needed to go to marriage counselling. He looked me right in the eye and told me that I was the one who was f------ up, and I was the one with the problem. Told me if I ever tried to leave that he'd take the kids away from me because I was a basket case.
I worked with my cousellor for over a year and began to regain control of my life- and I am proud to say that I did it without any meds.
Through the last four monthes of my marriage, I began talking to a male friend of mine who was going through a divorce of his own. There was nothing going on other than talking ( I am sure that you all can agree that it is nice to have someone else to talk to that can relate to what you are going through)
I did start to develop feelings for this friend, but while I was still with my husband it never went beyond friendship.
I left my husband over a year ago now, and in the beginning of our seperation, he threatened me constantly. Then he began telling me that he wanted to get back together. He swore that he had changed. I went over to his place one day to pick up the kids ( we have split custody) and he was saying things about me to the kids. I got angry and told him he had better watch his mouth, and the next thing I know I was knocked to the ground. I knew for sure then that he would never change.

I have been seeing my "friend" for about 10 monthes now and things in my life are perfect. I am in love with him and he treats me like gold. I have also been accepted to go back to University to get my degree in social work. I have to move about 2 hours away, and I want to take my kids. My ex is going for custody. I am scared to death. I live in Canada and in our legal system it is what is best for the kids. I am afraid because I am moving to the city from a small town, because I will be a full time student instead of working that they will award my ex custody.
I don't want to stay here and work a dead end job. I want to be able to provide for my kids the best that I can- I want the stability.
Can anyone tell me of their experience with this. I am tired of the constant worrying and losing all this sleep.
I need my kids with me. I have also told him that if I was to take the kids that he could see them whenever he wanted, I am not trying to take them away from their dad. I just feel that I would be the better parental home for the kids.
Any thoughts??
Sorry my post is soooooo long!!

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Old 05-11-2004, 07:45 PM   #2
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,636
eightball61 HB User
Re: Why do I feel so guilty??

Don't worry about the system..You are moving for a better job and life for the kids. The courts may look at that and see the profits you'll have and what you can provide for them over than what your ex. can provide. You seem strong and caring and shouldn't worry because your ex. is the dead beat. Keep strong..

Old 05-12-2004, 05:47 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rocking IN. USA
Posts: 1,050
Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: Why do I feel so guilty??

Why do you feel so guilty? Sorry, I missed the part where you express that in your post. Seems to me you are more concerned with the possible custody battle for you children.
The courts in the states are no different. They take the interest of what is best for the child. Have you documented the incidents of abuse? Do you have character witnesses to speak on your behave or against your husband if it comes to a battle in court. These issues play an important part in providing the court system the information needed to determine who to award custody to. A good lawyer never hurts either.

Old 05-12-2004, 06:23 AM   #4
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Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,588
GirlHarley HB User
Re: Why do I feel so guilty??

Instead of worrying and losing sleep...Why are you not speaking to a lawyer in Canada who will have your answers? We have all told you in the past you won't lose your children, but you are driving yourself crazy and continue to let your husband control your life with you afraid of losing your children.

In your divorce did you mention the abuse you received from your husband?
If you don't like your original divorce attorney then it would be in your best interest to contact a new one...These are your children your talking about who you love with all your heart, your goals are excellant but I just don't understand why you haven't seeked legal advise so you can move on w/your life and get that rest you need.

Old 05-12-2004, 03:46 PM   #5
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 35
Makenna HB User
Re: Why do I feel so guilty??

You are right- when I started my title for my thread, I had something different in mind, then I guess that I just needed to vent.
I do have a lawyer and she is good. My ex has yet to respond to the affidavit that he was served with. So really there is nothing that we can do until his time runs out or he decides that he wants to go to court.

I do feel guilty because I have tried to maintain a healthy relationship with my ex for the sake of the kids. He is so nice one minute and then the next he's right back to where he is just being a jerk. I guess maybe I was naive, I just never thought that it would get to the point where we would go to court.

I have a lot of people who would go to court on my behalf, and that know what he was like. The one problem is that when we got married we moved to the town that he was from, and the one incident of abuse was when we were at one of his friends' house. Now, alot of these people will not talk to me, ( At this point I am not sure what he has told them) and I am sure that his buddies would lie for him.

And no, I never did report the incidents ( shake your head....) We live in a really small town, there are only 2 officers in town, and so I know them personally, and I guess I was ashamed. I didn't want anyone to know that my house was so disfunctional. And like I said before, I guess that I kept on thinking that he would change, like he always promised he would, and it would never get to this point. I guess that hind sight is 20/20.

Maybe it is all the stress in my life right now, but I keep thinking the worst. I know at this point there is nothing that I can do, but wait.....
Maybe I am just looking to the boards for a little reassurance.....

Thanks for listening

Old 05-12-2004, 06:27 PM   #6
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 302
Re: Why do I feel so guilty??

The kids need to be away from him if he is physically abusive. Even if he hasn't hit them yet they should not be with him if he is like that. It is only a matter of time before he does hit them.

I really think you should talk to your lawyer about this. His abusiveness is definately something the courts should know about.

Hang in there! And congrats on getting back in control of your life. And never feel guilty

Old 05-13-2004, 04:35 AM   #7
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Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,588
GirlHarley HB User
Re: Why do I feel so guilty??

YES, you have Nothing to Feel guilty about...

You should be PROUD...for leaving him! You knew better then to stay in a relationship that was abusive, he's good one minute bad the next...
You never knew if you were coming or going....

YOU now have the Power of your own life back!
Look, you can maintain a Healthy relationship w/your ex...YOU KNOW HOW HE IS...YOU can't let him continue to control your thoughts or life...
You need to chill out, laugh at him, you Have to tell yourself HE will NEVER change, accept him as is...But, he is NOT your husband anymore...He will be someone's trash someday...YES, he still he the father to your children but YOU can control His visits w/your children....You may not control what he says to them...But if you show your children your strong, happy, love them, that everything you do is for them, CHILDREN can see & hear things for themselves...You don't even have to say harsh words about their father, you can be pleasant with your ex, have a nice conversation, let him be the "jerk"
because your children will SEE this...And remember...You go home alone without your ex...He is part of your children's life not yours..Well in a sense anyways...You know what I mean?

Look, when my ex would yell at me, call me names, and pull some crap after our divorce...I laughed at him....I really didn't care what he thought of me or what he said of me...I was his ex-wife...and Same w/him...When we had disagreements or issues w/my son he would Tell me, I'm not his wife! He was right...he & I did do get along, but we did have issues on how raising our son and we still do...BUT we are not married, my son is much older now and he sees for himself and lets BOTH of us know it

You are doing fine without this man, he is making empty threats to you and I wish you could see or understand this...He can not take your children or stop you from living your life... You Have to THINK Positive and laugh him off!

Old 05-13-2004, 08:10 AM   #8
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 179
PeggyHarmon HB User
Re: Why do I feel so guilty??

Men who want to appear stronger always want that authority and control by using children as their power in a divorce. Really once they get that prestige, they don't want the responsibilties (normally) But I've known some men who made perfect and better MOMS so I am not men bashing here. My partners daughter's husband used children against her because her mother is a lesbian, has me as a partner and threatened to keep her and us from the babies. To shorten this story---even tho we were very rural in a southern state, the lawyer laughed and said nope... you can not be held accountable because of your mothers lifestyle, he was only using it against her for his own power and control to keep her there so he could abuse her more. Once she stood her ground and showed she wasn't scared of him and said take me to court--take us all to court, he shut the he** up. He now has cleaned up his act, and made a better husband actually and comes around us now, and he's respected us, as we are to him. Its just a control mechanism....don't fall for his crap. He'll settle down and not be so cocky when you get in front of a judge and your lawyer will represent you well enough to make things right for you and the children. I would say do not involve yourself with another, they can and will use that in court to make it appear something more than it is. Protect yourself from that happening.

Old 05-13-2004, 08:23 AM   #9
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,636
eightball61 HB User
Re: Why do I feel so guilty??

Originally Posted by PeggyHarmon
Men who want to appear stronger always want that authority and control by using children as their power in a divorce. Really once they get that prestige, they don't want the responsibilties (normally) But I've known some men who made perfect and better MOMS so I am not men bashing here.

Which is true there are a lot of good men out there and there is that percentage that just don't give a crap about anything and will you there boy power to emotionally & physically hurt the weeker. The despise the men in this world that are like this.

There is no such thing as perfect because we are all different but when it comes to men like this you can accect for there other good qualitys it they are abusing you.

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