It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 05-12-2004, 08:29 AM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 197
tara_may HB User
Unhappy why do i always end up hurting him?

me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 months.
and those 7 months have truly been the best of my entire life.
both of us are 18 and i'm going to become 19 soon.
we always have a great time together and can talk about anything however i often get ticked off about the smallest and least significant reasons.
and although he always admits that whatever has happened (that is each of those times that i blow up) was purely his fault i know that it is mainly me acting childish and making a big deal out of nothing.
at the same time when i do get annoyed about anything i always make sure that he feels extremely bad and guilty about it.
i dont know what's wrong with me at times.
its like i love him so much, he means the whole world to me and i care about him the most and yet i like making him feel bad at times.
i mean dont get me wrong... its not like this happens all that often.
but my temper sumtimes just makes me seem like a major "u know what"...
i would really like to do something about it coz i dont want to keep hurting him.

tara

Last edited by tara_may; 05-12-2004 at 08:30 AM.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 08:52 AM   #2
Inactive
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 551
Salinas1 HB User
Re: why do i always end up hurting him?

Let me get the first word in here. Keep in mind, none of what you offered has to do with "why". The why questions are something only you and maybe your therapist can ever appropriately ponder. THE only issue here is making a decision to stop behaving the way you do then spending your available energies and time devoted to behaving in ways that supports how you want to be. You trained yourself to respond the way you currently do and it will take devotion and significant effort to retrain yourself to respond differently.

If you get caught up in associating the "why you do it" with the simple idea that you need to change your behaviors, you will go round and round in circles. Identify the behaviors and responses that are causing negatives in your life and relationship then focus in on what changes you need to be devoted to rectify the current state and move toward the state you want to be in.

Identify the bad response mechanisms and behaviors then practice responses and behaviors that are what you would prefer. If the problems are deeper seated, you need more than some casual input on an interent forum.

Last edited by Salinas1; 05-12-2004 at 08:52 AM.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 05-12-2004, 09:03 AM   #3
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Seattle, WA USA
Posts: 446
smartgal HB User
Re: why do i always end up hurting him?

Also, like good old Dr. Phil says, what are you getting from behaving badly? There is some sort of reward for this behavior or you wouldn't keep doing it. I get really irritated sometimes and feel like a rubberband about to snap. I have to sit back and let it go, otherwise everything else in the day gets on my nerves.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 09:12 AM   #4
Inactive
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: why do i always end up hurting him?

This is also who you are... Sometimes it hard to change our character and personality. I know you don't wan to hurt him anymore but if you have been doing this for a long time then its going to be hard to get over. The best advice I have to offer is next time you both get in a fight or little arguement hold your break before you explode and if you need to go cool of then leave and go outside or somthing. Within time it may help you to overcome blowing up.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 09:31 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
trystme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,101
trystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB User
Re: why do i always end up hurting him?

I do this sometimes to my husband and for me, it has to do with me wanting to keep my independence and let him know that I will survive without him should he leave me or die. I don't get mad at just any little thing though, but when I do get angry about something it always has to do with my independence.

For example, one time I was meeting some friends after work. One of the friends had moved to another state 5 years ago and was visiting so this was my only opportunity to see her. Dh was going out of town on a business trip the next day. We have only spent one other night since we've been together. He was stressed trying to get ready for his trip. He was nice enough to agree to pick up our daughter from daycare that day and do her dinner, bath, and bed routine without me. In an e-mail to me he asked me to please leave my friends to come home at 6:30 (it takes an hour to get home.) I totally went off on him telling him that he was not my father and he could not tell me what time to be home! The things that I said to him were totally uncalled for. I could have just said that I'd see if I wanted to leave at 6:30 or not, letting him know that I may not leave at that time. Instead I went off on him. My independence radar went off which caused me to react irrationally. Like Salinas said, I just have to watch myself and think before speaking, controlling my actions.

Is there some issue in particular that sets you off or is it just any little thing?

 
Old 05-12-2004, 10:52 AM   #6
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 197
tara_may HB User
Re: why do i always end up hurting him?

well actually a few days back i had an exam in college.
my boyfriend dropped me off to college (he goes to the same college with me btw.).
well i clearly told him that my exam is going to end at 1:30 and he promised to wait for me outside the hall.
well once the exam got over i ran out of the hall as fast as i could and i didnt see him anywhere.
anyways i walked by the basketball court to get my bag from the locker room and i saw him there.
he was just sitting and talking to his friends. he saw me and asked me how the exam was but i just walked by.
well i went to retrieve my stuff and came back to him.
he already realised that sumthing must have been wrong and he started apologising to me for not being there.
at first i just kept quiet. i didnt want to blow up.
he kept explaining that since i told him that the exam would last for 1 hour 30 mins he thought that it would take time for them to let us out of the hall.
but i still felt mad, hurt, extremely annoyed (dont even know how to explain it). i got this feeling where i just felt tears coming up to my eyes all of a sudden.
well when i went home i decided on a little revenge and i wasnt picking up his calls.
then when i finally did answer i just gave him a piece of my mind.
he kept telling me that he's really sorry for being such a jerk and that he didnt mean to hurt me intentionally.
and deep inside i knew that i was making him feel bad and making a big deal out of nothing but at the same time i was enjoying it in some way.
i dont know why.
i really do love him. we'r planning to get married in the future and he just means so much to me (seriously words cant explain it).
at times i find it difficult to understand myself

tara

 
Old 05-12-2004, 10:59 AM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
trystme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,101
trystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB User
Re: why do i always end up hurting him?

Hmmm, the fact that you want to "punish" him is not good. The fact that you enjoy this is also not good. I don't know why either but, like Salinas said, knowing "why" is not what is going to change your behavior, only actually changing your behavior will.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 11:24 AM   #8
Inactive
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: why do i always end up hurting him?

Its not good to punish because he could do the same back which can cause a big mess.

Last edited by eightball61; 05-12-2004 at 11:40 AM.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 11:34 AM   #9
Inactive
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 551
Salinas1 HB User
Re: why do i always end up hurting him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tara_may
i really do love him. we'r planning to get married in the future and he just means so much to me (seriously words cant explain it).
at times i find it difficult to understand myself

tara
I am sure you know this already, but the scenario you just described, if it continues, gives you high hopes for divorce very soon after that much anticipated wedding. Getting mad at your spouse is expected, behaving like you did is just something that not many people could take for very long. No one wants to be looking at doing a life term with that type of ultra high maintenance to deal with. Your boyfriend may be wrong often, but your responses make his indiscretions pale in comparison.

These are very bad behaviors for a person hoping to keep the person on the other end. I wish you strength and certitude in adjusting how you deal with your triggers.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 11:37 AM   #10
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 197
tara_may HB User
Re: why do i always end up hurting him?

i know that its not good.
at the same time i'm this sort of a person who can get overly sensitive at times.
i can get easily hurt. well i guess that's just the way i am.
i'm also very expressive and i dont like to keep my feelings muddled up inside me.
i guess that could be part of the problem.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 12:09 PM   #11
Inactive
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: why do i always end up hurting him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tara_may
i know that its not good.
at the same time i'm this sort of a person who can get overly sensitive at times.
i can get easily hurt. well i guess that's just the way i am.
i'm also very expressive and i dont like to keep my feelings muddled up inside me.
i guess that could be part of the problem.

We all get hurt...some easily some harder. Its our feelings that play on how we will react to things. You may get hurt at some of the things he does like not meeting you for class but there are things that you do that get him mad. You both can't explode at each other all the time...Try to communicate it through.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 12:15 PM   #12
Inactive
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 551
Salinas1 HB User
Re: why do i always end up hurting him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tara_may
well i guess that's just the way i am.
Keep in mind it is okay to find yourself saying, "That is the way I WAS"


Quote:
Originally Posted by tara_may
i'm also very expressive and i dont like to keep my feelings muddled up inside me. i guess that could be part of the problem.
It is very doable to be very expressive and not keep you feeling pent upinside and still respond with wisdom and composure. You can do both.

Changing unwanted behaviors is like quitting smoking. Despite what anyone says, anyone can do it. However for some, the level of effort is not worth the retun on investment in frustration and dedication required. You can change if you want to dedicate the effort. Whether it is worth the effort, only you know.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 12:32 PM   #13
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 197
tara_may HB User
Re: why do i always end up hurting him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
We all get hurt...some easily some harder. Its our feelings that play on how we will react to things. You may get hurt at some of the things he does like not meeting you for class but there are things that you do that get him mad. You both can't explode at each other all the time...Try to communicate it through.
the thing is that he never ever got mad at me, not even once during these 7 months and basically ever since i got to know him.
that makes me feel even worse coz maybe if he did explode occassionally that would actually give me some reason to be mad about.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 12:42 PM   #14
Inactive
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: why do i always end up hurting him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tara_may
the thing is that he never ever got mad at me, not even once during these 7 months and basically ever since i got to know him.
that makes me feel even worse coz maybe if he did explode occassionally that would actually give me some reason to be mad about.
And that the point...you have a great guy. We all have problems and you know what yours are and he know knows what his are. Like I said though if you want this to help next time you explode just go take a time-out outside.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Tired Of Always Being Timmid ted487 Mental Health 1 03-07-2010 08:14 PM
Once a cheater always a cheater? Jpaige Relationship Health 49 02-22-2008 03:40 PM
Mouth Always Hurting glowing4 Dental Health 8 08-10-2007 01:58 PM
I always worry, and sometimes it gets to be WAY too overwhelming... zonkay Relationship Health 2 12-25-2006 09:00 AM
Always being sick is ruining my life! Please give adive:( sickandsad83 General Health 4 06-28-2006 05:14 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added











All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:42 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!