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PAISLEY · 05-12-2004, 10:23 AM

I have a 4 yr old daughter from a previous relationship and I have been dating a guy for about 1.5 years (known him for 4 years). We've talked about marriage. He has been married before and we started dating soon after the divorce. I have always felt that he needed to take some time for himself to make sure of what he wanted before we got "serious" since his divorce was messy and the marriage was over within 18 months. However, he proclaims that I am who he wants and he doesn't need to take any time for himself. But, last week he said something that sort of took me by surprise. <FOOTNOTE>-He has known my daughter since she was 1 and has always treated her like she was his own and says he wants to adopt her if/when we get married.

Ok...while having a conversation last week, he made mention that we couldn't do a lot of things like just get up and go away and because of that the relationship is "slow". I somewhat understood that because he was right. We can't make spontaneous decisions or go out every weekend. Everything has to be planned and sometimes things have to be cancelled due to babysitting issues. We do alot together (him, my daughter and myself) so I am only talking about the "intimate" times between the two of us. He has never made me feel like having a child was a problem for him. However, since he made that comment I've been worried that he no longer wants this. I have talked to him about it and he maintains that this is what he wants. But for some reason I am doubting that. I have asked him to seriously think about taking some time away from me because I don't want him (or myself) to regret anything. Also, he has never been without someone in his life...he's been in a relationship after relationship after relationship, etc...

I know that being with someone with a child can be challenging and it does involve a lot of sacrifice on the part of someone who is not biologically attached to that child. I told him that I would rather be by myself than for him to be unhappy or for him to just settle or be with me out of pity or convenience. I love him and I want to marry him so there is no doubt on my end.

What are your thoughts on this? Was this a crazy request?

KimRick · 05-12-2004, 10:34 AM

I TOTALY KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM!!! My ex (as of 2 days ago) & I had been together for about 5 1/2 years. We both have a child from a previous relationship (his from a previous marriage). We started dating about 6 months after his marriage ended and have been together on & off since. He just left me 2 days ago to "find himself"

. The "excuse" (and I say excuse because I've heard it before) I got was we started 6 months after his marriage (which was messy) and he doesn't know who he is and needs to find himself. I am TOTALLY heart broken and I really feel as if someone has killed a part of me. I would seriously sit down and talk to him about needing time for himself or bring it up and see what haapens from there. If he insists he's fine, I would drop it.

GOOD LUCK!!!

PAISLEY · 05-12-2004, 10:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KimRick

I TOTALY KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM!!! My ex (as of 2 days ago) & I had been together for about 5 1/2 years. We both have a child from a previous relationship (his from a previous marriage). We started dating about 6 months after his marriage ended and have been together on & off since. He just left me 2 days ago to "find himself"

. The "excuse" (and I say excuse because I've heard it before) I got was we started 6 months after his marriage (which was messy) and he doesn't know who he is and needs to find himself. I am TOTALLY heart broken and I really feel as if someone has killed a part of me. I would seriously sit down and talk to him about needing time for himself or bring it up and see what haapens from there. If he insists he's fine, I would drop it.

GOOD LUCK!!!

WHOA!! I am so sorry to hear this.

I have always been prepared to be alone because of some of the mean things I've heard men say about dating someone with a child. But, I feel like since I am somewhat insisting that he takes time for himself that I am pushing him out the door and maybe he will find someone else. That is a big risk.

Good Luck to you too!

Hoop · 05-12-2004, 08:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PAISLEY

I know that being with someone with a child can be challenging and it does involve a lot of sacrifice on the part of someone who is not biologically attached to that child. I told him that I would rather be by myself than for him to be unhappy or for him to just settle or be with me out of pity or convenience. I love him and I want to marry him so there is no doubt on my end.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PAISLEY

WHOA!! I am so sorry to hear this.

I have always been prepared to be alone because of some of the mean things I've heard men say about dating someone with a child. But, I feel like since I am somewhat insisting that he takes time for himself that I am pushing him out the door and maybe he will find someone else. That is a big risk.

Good Luck to you too!

You sound like a very strong and independent woman. You are weighing the possible consequences that may result from this relationship if it were to go forward to the next level. I just think you are carrying it too far or worrying too much about it.

What mean things have you heard men say about dating a woman with a child. I don't agree with that statement in that you are making too much out of it to the point that it is affecting your decisons and your relationship. You have to treat each case on its own. Judge this person for who he is and not for what others have said in general about a woman with a child. You are categorizing all men unfairly.

Also, what exactly are you worried about? There are no guarantees that every relationship will succeed even without a child. Suppose you moved forward with this relationship and it somehow didn't work out in the future. How is that different than you currently being prepared to be by yourself? Do you feel like you would give up or lose that independence and not being able to get it back? What I am saying is if the realtionship failed, you would still be back to being alone with your child, something you are prepared to do now, so why not just go for it. Move forward with the relationship but be aware of the statistics on failed relationships. It just seems to me like you are beating yourself up for no good reason.

GirlHarley · 05-13-2004, 04:20 AM

I too know where your coming from.

NO, not at all do I think that was a crazy request...

Yes, raising a child alone and then trying to have a relationship is not easy, but as we all know the Child does come frist, relationship comes second.

I had an issue years ago where the guy I was dating brought up all this stuff that he really loved me, liked my son (who was two at the time and this guy was awesome w/my son) but mentioned how we couldn't just get up and go away for a weekend, do spare of the moment things, blah, blah, blah, I too told him I understood..mean while I was feeling like crap under my skin for him saying this, yeah, I know it was true...call me young & naive but I just didn't see my SON as a problem to him or myself or our relationship...

I found the problem to me was HE never ASKED me to do anything so How would he KNOW if I couldn't just take off for a weekend? That is what bothered me the most...My ex-husband was very involved and still is with his son so if I had asked my ex to watch our son...He would have said YES..
I never gave the guy another chance...My Pride was Hurt so I dumped him.
I hated that he used my child for a reason to think his love for me needed space...

You are alot smarter then me and mature enough to know what the reality of life is being a mom and raising a child.

I hope it works out for you in the end and the guys sees how speical you are.

PAISLEY · 05-13-2004, 07:51 AM

Thanks to you all for your responses.

Hoop-The things I've heard men say are: "No man wants a ready-made family." "You are the other half of the broken-family problem." Things like this. At first, I really felt bad that my relationship with my child's father didn't work out and I felt bad for even trying to have relationship with a new guy because it seemed so unfair. But, I know better now.

I am probably beating myself up for no good reason. I just want to know that he is, in fact, 100% OK with how things have to be in this relationship.

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