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Old 05-13-2004, 06:59 PM   #1
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Allsenseless2 HB User
Abusive Relationship or is it...need help.

Ok. I was dating a girl for 4 years, we had plans to get married this Fall.
The story comes down to this...there was some things that were troubling me that made me feel like everything (finicial issues, job, etc.)was caving in. I decided not to come home one night and stayed over a buddy's house. When I stayed over there I thought about a lot of things to better our relationship and what I really wanted out of it. Some were good thoughts some were bad, but mainly good. I didn't call to let her know where I was at, but she knew the past couple of days I had been feeling weird about things (I found a picture of some guy she always talked about, and suspected she was seeing someone else....but she said she wasnt - I believed she wasnt)
She also know when I get into those modes that I have to be alone to think about thinks...its some weird defense mechanism (other story..)

Anyhow I came home the next day and she got on me about not calling...I told her I was sorry...and that I was over my buddy's house and I feel alseep, which was the truth. I was still quiet about things because she was very upset and I didn't want to say anything to push her.

So day after that, I came home from work and no one was home. She had went out from what a note said on the dry eraser board. I was content that she went out. But the moment she came home she started screaming at me about home much she was through with us and that I can have it all (the house, everything that we worked together in getting, etc.)Then I asked her is that was you really want, not knowing how to take it. I told why? She kept rambling on about how she was done. So I walked inside the another room, and shook my head..and then she started to get upset. She attacked me, choked me, wailing me with clinched fists. Not once, but 5 times at 5 min. intervals. I did nothing, just sat there, I tried blocking and **** like that but nothing. I was raised never to hit a woman, especially one you love. But she kept on and on, and during these bashing she would say why won't you hit me back...I told her I wasnt like your other boyfirends that did that ****. The crap went on though out the night. After all said and done she went to bed and I slept on the couch.

The next night I came home from work and she made me dinner, nothing was said. Not a sorry, or why any of it happened. Everntually she went to bed, and I sat there and thought long and hard, eventually I feel asleep.

The next few days same thing nothing...not a peep. I then started to feel more scared about the whole then and started sleeping at my buddy's house.
Note: defense mechanism.

Eventually, I had enough of all this and told her that I that I loved her, but not this way. And that I am breaking up with you.

So now a month has gone by, and now I don't now what to do. The reason why I broke up with her, is to show her that I would not stand being beat down like that again. She would have to realize what she did wrong. I love this girl too much, but I don't know how to fix the problem or if the problem can be fixed.

Any advice, and sorry for the long thread...

 
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Old 05-13-2004, 07:17 PM   #2
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sookchi HB User
Re: Abusive Relationship or is it...need help.

No one gets to abuse another person ever ... I know that you think that you love her but if she returned love then she would have never done that. You deserve better than her. What she did is abuse both physically and emotionally. Stay away. Beleive me ( I am having a similar problem, only the guy wont let me go) it is better if you try to move on. There will be someone better out there for you.


Hope this helps some.
Sookchi

 
Old 05-13-2004, 08:37 PM   #3
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realguy HB User
Re: Abusive Relationship or is it...need help.

stay away,i dealt with that and stayed.It doesn"t get better.

 
Old 05-13-2004, 08:58 PM   #4
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Red Velvet HB User
Re: Abusive Relationship or is it...need help.

I agree with Realguy. If this is the way she handles conflict, she has a major communication problem. Being married to someone like that would be extremely difficult, and no, it wouldn't get better. You need to consider how she handled your other fights. Did she scream and hit then, too? You obviously didn't know what the problem was because all she said was that "you were done." There is a no win situation, when you don't know what is going on. Now, mind you, she may be upset about you leaving and not calling (I probably would be, too), but who knows Communication on both sides seems a little confusing.

No one has a right to hit anyone...You won't teach her a lesson by leaving.
Personally, I think her behaviour is a little scary, if not controlling.

 
Old 05-14-2004, 12:36 AM   #5
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: Abusive Relationship or is it...need help.

Abuse can take on different forms. There is physical abuse and there is emotional abuse. I don't agree with her hitting you but she seems to have done it for a reason, unjustifiably as it may seem to you. It doesn't sound like you were in any real danger or in fear for your life. Still, I don't agree with it but right or wrong what are you asking? Is it an abusive relationship? Yes, but you have to take responsibility for your part.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Allsenseless2
Ok. I was dating a girl for 4 years, we had plans to get married this Fall.
The story comes down to this...there was some things that were troubling me that made me feel like everything (finicial issues, job, etc.)was caving in. I decided not to come home one night and stayed over a buddy's house. When I stayed over there I thought about a lot of things to better our relationship and what I really wanted out of it. Some were good thoughts some were bad, but mainly good. I didn't call to let her know where I was at, but she knew the past couple of days I had been feeling weird about things (I found a picture of some guy she always talked about, and suspected she was seeing someone else....but she said she wasnt - I believed she wasnt)
She also know when I get into those modes that I have to be alone to think about thinks...its some weird defense mechanism (other story..)
Let's just get this out, up front. You need to communicate, MORE!... With her, not with yourself! These moods you get into are a sign of immaturity. You are/were at a point in your relationship where you say you talked about marriage in the Fall. Then you get into that mood and you go off to communicate with yourself. You need to settle whatever issues you have with yourself and these moods you have before you decide to carry this relationship further or reestablish it.. At the very least, you could have call her to let her know where the hell you were. Communicate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Allsenseless2
Anyhow I came home the next day and she got on me about not calling...I told her I was sorry...and that I was over my buddy's house and I feel alseep, which was the truth. I was still quiet about things because she was very upset and I didn't want to say anything to push her.
So, you said you were "sorry" and you figured that should have done the trick. What else do women want?... You were still quiet about things? As in lack of communication? That's a hint.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Allsenseless2
So day after that, I came home from work and no one was home. She had went out from what a note said on the dry eraser board. I was content that she went out. But the moment she came home she started screaming at me about home much she was through with us and that I can have it all (the house, everything that we worked together in getting, etc.)Then I asked her is that was you really want, not knowing how to take it. I told why? She kept rambling on about how she was done. So I walked inside the another room, and shook my head..and then she started to get upset. She attacked me, choked me, wailing me with clinched fists. Not once, but 5 times at 5 min. intervals. I did nothing, just sat there, I tried blocking and **** like that but nothing. I was raised never to hit a woman, especially one you love. But she kept on and on, and during these bashing she would say why won't you hit me back...I told her I wasnt like your other boyfirends that did that ****. The crap went on though out the night. After all said and done she went to bed and I slept on the couch.
That's a very admirable quality you have being raised not to hit a woman. Don't you sometimes wish you would have been raised to communicate with a woman better as well? Instead, you walk away to another room shaking your head.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Allsenseless2
The next night I came home from work and she made me dinner, nothing was said. Not a sorry, or why any of it happened. Everntually she went to bed, and I sat there and thought long and hard, eventually I feel asleep.
And thus the pattern continues. No communication.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Allsenseless2
The next few days same thing nothing...not a peep. I then started to feel more scared about the whole then and started sleeping at my buddy's house.
Note: defense mechanism.

Eventually, I had enough of all this and told her that I that I loved her, but not this way. And that I am breaking up with you.

So now a month has gone by, and now I don't now what to do. The reason why I broke up with her, is to show her that I would not stand being beat down like that again. She would have to realize what she did wrong. I love this girl too much, but I don't know how to fix the problem or if the problem can be fixed.

Any advice, and sorry for the long thread...
You might want to consider addressing the emotional abuse you are inflecting on her through lack of communication on your part. Also, work on getting rid off or overcoming these moods you go into. You need to find yourself from whereever you're at and let go of that security blanket.
It's been a month since you broke up and if you don't at least talk, you won't ever get the chance to communicate.
One last thing. Don't ever give a woman the silent treatment unless you want to use it to get back at her for something. It drives them wacko!

Last edited by Hoop; 05-14-2004 at 12:49 AM.

 
Old 05-14-2004, 07:47 AM   #6
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excaliburgrl HB User
Re: Abusive Relationship or is it...need help.

i think there are certain boundaries that should never be crossed in a relationship and hitting is one of them...when i found out my hubby was cheating over the internet, i wanted to knock his block off as soon as he came home...but i didn't...that's the wrong thing to do...

i think it's great that you won't hit a woman...personally, i don't think it's right to hit anybody, but still i think it's wonderful that you didn't hit her back...some would....

i don't think abusive people can change...i think you need to move on...i know you love her, but it isn't worth it in the end...she could get extremely angry and end up killing you...
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Old 05-14-2004, 08:11 AM   #7
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Allsenseless2 HB User
Re: Abusive Relationship or is it...need help.

Thanks for all the feedback...I know on my part what I have to do.
I know that I have to work on my actions. I called it a seperation, a time out to think things out. I even thought about seeing a doctor, or someone to talk to about this.

Regarding the communication issue. We had great communication before all this...I just dont know where it went. I told her that we need to find some means of fixing this, but that one thing that plagues me is that I dont know if she will hit or attack me again.

 
Old 05-14-2004, 08:13 AM   #8
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catm HB User
Re: Abusive Relationship or is it...need help.

You stated that she's been in physically abusive relationships before. I'm going to guess that she beat on you because that's how her previous partners "showed" their "love." You know this is an inappropriate way to show love because you were raised in a home that valued non-violence.

You are aware of your defence mechanism of running away emotionally, and show that by physically moving away from people by going to your buddy's house or into another room while in an argument. You are aware of this pattern, yet you do nothing to try and fix the pattern that you have labeled a defense mechanism. Have you explored why it is that you are in this pattern? Because without knowing why, you will never be able to move out of the pattern. My guess is that you run away either in hopes that the person will come after you or that when you return they will still be there. This is probably how you measure the person's love for you, whether they are there when you return or if they come after you. But then I could be completely wrong. No matter what, you need to figure out why you have this defense mechanism.

As the others have said, she has physically abused you. Stay away. Far, far away.

 
Old 05-14-2004, 08:48 AM   #9
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Abusive Relationship or is it...need help.

Quote:
One last thing. Don't ever give a woman the silent treatment unless you want to use it to get back at her for something. It drives them wacko!
That's SO true! We hate the silent treatment and a guy who disappears on us without a word. Oh, you're poor abused victim. You didn't come home for the night, you didn't call her, and you get into your "moods" every so often. And you're wondering if SHE is the one who abuses you?? Phuuulease. Do you have any clue what she must have been going through when you didn't come home for the night? CAn you even begin to comprehend how worried, upset, and distressed she must have felt? The things that must have been running through her head? So you said you were sorry. That's really NOT enough. Try putting yourself in her shoes. She goes out with her girlfriend and doesn't come home for the night. Hour after hour passes and no word from her. You try to reach her on the phone but it just keeps ringing. Then she happily prances in the next day and says "oh, sorry, I stayed over my girlfriend's house and fell asleep." And I bet your weird moods are not easy to deal with either. My first boyfriend was like that. I'm so happy to be rid of him, as should your girlfriend. When someone LOVES someone, they would not subject them to such a torturous and selfish treatment. Get a grip on your moods first and on your notion that not coming home for the night and not phoning is an acceptable behavior in a committed relationship. I don't feel the least bit sorry for you.

 
Old 05-14-2004, 09:58 AM   #10
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Abusive Relationship or is it...need help.

It's been a month and you did state that you love her but is it enough to get back with her? When you first broke up because you told her that you no longer loved her that way.(but you did love her)

You have to remember that you both weren't married and things could get worse down the road. You could always do the counseling thing but I don't know if thats a good idea since you both aren't married but IF you both want to be truelly commitited again and willing to work things out for the future then maybe give couseling a thought.

 
Old 05-14-2004, 10:38 AM   #11
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Abusive Relationship or is it...need help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoop
Is it an abusive relationship? Yes, but you have to take responsibility for your part.
Hoop, I know you are not condoning the violence, but I donít think you have seen it for the seriousness that it is. Whether he was actually injured is not relevant to the problem the violence represents.

I don't care what a person has done. However bad or upsetting, or wrong, or inappropriate, there is NEVER an acceptable use of physical abuse. If he did wrong in not informing her about his whereabouts, then that is a bad decision and he will need to take his "lumps". However, as soon violence erupts, all responsibility becomes 100% in the court of the abuser.

I side completely with those that say, run away and don't look back. Physical abuse is a character trait that is very deep seated and you will face this deplorable trait many times over the course of a relationship. Don't try to figure anything out, just turn away and start anew with a healthy relationship.

 
Old 05-14-2004, 10:46 AM   #12
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Abusive Relationship or is it...need help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
I don't feel the least bit sorry for you.
Sophia I am a bit surprised that you feel this way. If the genders had been reversed, we all would be in an outrage that a husband would physically wail on his wife over and over, every five minutes, because she made the admitted bad decision of not calling and telling him where she was and hat she wasn't coming home. Re-read exactly the scenario he paints regarding her behavior. That she might get a pass because it is a women doing the beating on a man, or that she is not as strong as a man seems to provide an incredible amount of justification for domestic violence. Make no mistake, that is exactly what that was. No amount of silent treatment ever justifies domestic violence.

 
Old 05-14-2004, 11:18 AM   #13
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Abusive Relationship or is it...need help.

Well, I do think BOTH of you were wrong...

Let's see...You have been with this girl for 4 years. And you still don't know how to communicate with her? You ****** her off by doing your disappearing act on her instead of "trying to teach her a lesson" Well, then she beats you up and you take it. Now your asking if this is a abusive relationship.

YES, both of you. She physical and you emotional. I still not understanding when two people love each other, commit to a marriage, but still don't know how to communicate with each other? 4 years is a long time, a good time for a decent relationship, you should know each other WELL by now? don't you think? Has your girlfriend ever pulled this stunt before on you? Does she go around and hit you? I totally understand you didn't want to hit hurt back but Why on earth did you allow her as you said in your post continue punishing you on 5 rounds? Hit you once..OK, that is enough, but 5 times? I am not shifting the blame on you...Just trying to make sense of how she got around to that many and you tooked it? YES, she abused you, but you were no better just up and leaving.

I agree with both Salina and Sophia on their posts and I'm adding my two cents worth that You both abused each other and maybe this relationship is over for both of you.

 
Old 05-14-2004, 11:35 AM   #14
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Abusive Relationship or is it...need help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
You both abused each other and maybe this relationship is over for both of you.

ITs easier said than done...He recons the problem but still wants to be with her. I agree with you 100% that maybe this relationship's time has past and there is not point onto saving it but from his stand point its hard because he still wants her back. He does need to realize that it may not be worth fixing but if he is willing to take that second chance then let him for self-discovery.

 
Old 05-14-2004, 11:48 AM   #15
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Abusive Relationship or is it...need help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
ITs easier said than done...He recons the problem but still wants to be with her. I agree with you 100% that maybe this relationship's time has past and there is not point onto saving it but from his stand point its hard because he still wants her back. He does need to realize that it may not be worth fixing but if he is willing to take that second chance then let him for self-discovery.

You seem to think because two people are in love...That is all that matters and LOVE will fix everything....I know you are into the Romance of things and LOVE will conquer all...Well, that is not so simple...Just because you LOVE someone doesn't mean that PERSON is right for you either. God loves everyone and accepts everyone..But, why is it there is so much hate in this world and abuse? I don't tolorate abuse towards anyone..whether it's man woman or children...Hit me once shame on you, hit me twice shame on me..
Outta here, no looking back, love won't fix a broken relationship where there is abuse...If you love someone you don't HIT..period!

 
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