Since me and bf have gotten a place together, we have done nothing but fight. Last night, we ended up fighting until like 2 a.m. this morning and that wasn't the first time that we'd done that. It's at least once a week. He says that it's my fault. Of course it is because he's so perfect and he does nothing wrong. It is partially my fault because I've been a little distant but I've got a lot going on that I don't know how to talk to him about and in a way I'm not ready to discuss with anyone right now because I'm still trying to accept what's happening myself.
Yesterday morning, I took him to work and he was giving me a goodbye kiss and I tried to pull away from him because he had his arms around me so hard that it was hurting and when I tried to pull away he got mad and asked me why I was jerking away from him. When I told him that he was hurting me and that was my reason for jerking away, he got even madder and told me that the only way he could get a good kiss from me was if he did it like that. Which isn't true. Who wants to feel like they are being forced to kiss someone? That's how he makes me feel when he grabs me like that. And anyway. He works in a very respected neighborhood where there are elderly, rich and sophisticated people living and it's no place to have a makeout session. That's not very respectful to those people to be sitting in their front drive kissing and groping someone like that. I've worked for these people for years and my father has worked for them his whole life. They know me and my family and I don't want to have bad marks with them. Bf says he doesn't care what other people think but come on. It's disgusting to see someone go on like that and I don't want to be one of those people that I always try to look over but still get a little disgusted at when they go to extremes with PDA. There is a time and place for everything and I don't think that it's appropriate to behave that way in public or on the job. The way that he rubs and gropes at me should only be done behind closed doors or when no one is around to see it. I know that I get uncomfortable when people behave that way around me and I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable because I'm behaving that way. I myself get uncomfortable when I behave that way knowing that we are surrounded by people that we should make a good impression on. He should respect his employers as well as my wishes. So anyway. He got really ticked off at me and started cussing me out in front of his uncle who works with him and in front of this woman's house when I know that she was in a resonable distance to hear what he was saying to me. He then decided that he was going to drive me to my mom's house and said that he might be back to pick me up but he didn't know for sure. I was just like, well whatever. Then he got even madder at me. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I didn't start whining and crying like a baby about it? It eventually ended with me driving myself to my mom's where I stay everyday while he's at work because he doesn't want me working and I refuse to stay at the place where we live all day for reasons that will probably be discussed later on.
So, yesterday when he got home from work, I was still angry and hurt over some of the things that he had said to me that morning and I tried not to show it but later in the evening he noticed my aggrivation when I was cleaning the kitchen and he came up and grabbed me for a kiss and I rolled my eyes before kissing him the quickly pulled away to continue cleaning. I know I shouldn't have done that. I should have just kissed him and gave him a big hug like everything was fine because I know it would hurt my feelings if he had rolled his eyes when I wanted a kiss but he always wants to go on like nothing was ever said or done and I can't do that because even though the tears may have dried the hurt is still there. Just because I'm not crying it doesn't mean that I'm not hurting. He never apologized for the things he said to me. It was never mentioned again. And that hurts even more because it feels like he doesn't even care that he hurt me. For the rest of the night, I tried to avoid him but it was impossible and I ended pushing him a little further away and when we went to bed all heck broke loose. He wouldn't tell me goodnight or anything and I knew why he was doing that so I just rolled over and started to go to sleep when he started getting gripey with me because I wouldn't talk to him. I told him that I figured he didn't want to be bothered because he didn't answer me when I told him goodnight and I loved him and that made things worse. I don't know exactly what set him off but he jumped out of bed and grabbed some blankets from the closet and went to sleep on the sofa. I just layed there and didn't say a word and he made a thousand trips in and out of that bedroom turning the light on every single time just trying to get under my skin. But the thing that made me really mad is that he knows I'm this obsessive compulsive lunatic and he started moving my stuff out of place then when I couldn't stand it any longer and I got up to fix it he would move it again or he'd leave the room and then come back in, flick on the lights and move it back the way that he had it. I was furious because he was just trying to provoke me and it was working. He just stood there laughing at me. I got so mad that I threw a bottle of lotion across the room and lotion went everywhere all over the walls. That's when he started cleaning it up and making remarks about how if he didn't clean it up it would stay there until it rotted or something like that and that hit a nerve in me that I didn't know I had because he made it sound like I don't do anything around the house when I try my best to keep that place spotless but considering what I'm trying to work with it doesn't always stay as clean as I try. He started yelling about how I don't appreciate anything he does for me and I don't do anything for him and that I was sorry and lowdown. At this point, I was beyond crying and sat there staring at the wall because I was speechless after hearing him say all those things. I've never called him anything like that. He's called me everything under the sun during past arguments and I've never called him anything out of the way. He said a lot of things but calling me sorry and lowdown and then calling me a d*** stupid a** was enough. That's when I started in on him because I do a lot for him and he has no right making me feel like I'm good for nothing.
Every morning I get up at 5:30 just to fight with him for 30 minutes to get him out of bed so he can get to work (a 35 minute drive) by 7:00. Then I drop him off there, go to my mom's house, wash our clothes or whatever, fix his lunch at 11:30 and take it to him by 12:00. Sit there with him until his lunch break is over and I get back to mom's about 1:00. I then finish what I had to drop doing so I could run for him and then leave again at 3:00 so I can pick him up at 3:30. Then we come back to mom's and eat dinner because we don't have any groceries at all at home (I'll explain later). After we eat and I help clean up, we go home where I clean the house, put up his laundry, heat his bath water (also will explain later) and get his towel, wash cloth and night clothes out for him and while he's cleaning up I get his clothes out for the next day. After I'm done with all of that, it's bedtime and guess what he wants to do. Of course. All he's done all day is work to support me while I've laid around on my sorry a** and the least I can do for him is give him a little bit of 'loving' at the end of the day. No way that I'd be to tired and worn out because I don't do anything. All day, I don't get to watch t.v., I don't get to write in my journal anymore, I don't get to draw anymore, or crochet or anything that I enjoy doing. From the time I get up until the time I finally get to go to sleep, everything is about him. I remember one day I sat down to read a magazine for the first time since I lived at home with my parents and he got so mad at me that he kicked my basket of magazines across the floor and told me that all I ever want to do is sit around and read my stupid little books. That was the first time I'd ever sat down to read in front of him. EVER. And he made it sound like that's what I do all day. Oh and to beat it all. His uncle is always around when we're fussing and the whole time that we are arguing he's making me look like a loser and his uncle probably thinks that I'm the worse person ever and even if he doesn't I don't appreciate him doing this to me in front of anyone. I'd rather have the crap beat out of me to the point where I'm almost dead than have someone talk to me like that. Especially in front of someone. It's bad when they do it at all but to do it in front of other people only makes me feel even worse.
NOTE: This is the rest of my post because it was too long to submit all together.
Last night was the worse of all of our arguments though. Just having him stand there and laugh at me because I was upset and then just keeping on and keeping on to see how far he could push me was enough. This morning I packed half of my clothes and put them in the blazer before he got up and I'm going to get a little more each day until the only thing left down there is my furniture because I know I'm not going to be there much longer and as bad as it sounds I get a little bit of pleasure out of knowing the he's going to see a lot of my stuff missing and know that I'm leaving him a little at a time and one day I'll be gone. That's when he'll get to see what all I do for him because I won't be there to do it anymore. Another reason I'm leaving a little at a time is because he always threatens to kick me out when we're into it but when I start to leave on my own he won't let me go. He always tears my bags up and throws my stuff everywhere and won't let me pack up. And the only transportation out of there is his blazer because my car is in my dad's garage right now tore up because I wore it out running him up and down the mountain back and forth to work and going to and from his house when I still lived at home. He always says that he's going to find someone that will appreciate him and all that crap and that he's about ready to call it quits but when it comes down to it and I try to go he won't let me. Last night he even threatened to kill himself but changed his mind when I told him to go ahead. He kept telling me that I was going to regret everything that I've said and done after he gets thru doing what he's about to do. I told him that he's not going to get any sort of revenge on me out of doing that and the one person that he would never hurt is the one person that it would hurt the most because everyone would have to explain to his 2 yr. old nephew why bubba's not around anymore. He said "good, then everyone can tell him that Girlfriend (that's what his nephew calls me) drove him to doing it". I said a lot of things after that. All of which I meant and would say again if given the chance. I'm not going to have him keep me around out of fear that he's going to hurt himself if I go. Also, one more thing he said after we laid down and stopped arguing is that he couldn't wait until today and I asked why and he said "so I'll be at work away from you". He said that after we had had silence for at least 5 minutes. It's like he wanted to keep the fighting going. Then, after we finally did stop fighting, he wanted to hug up to me and be all lovey dovey. I ended up just letting him hold me all night so he would just shut up but I hated having his hands on me. I didn't even want to be near him. I didn't even try to get him up for work this morning. His mom came over and got him up. I was just going to let his sorry butt lay there but she managed to get him out of bed on time. He, of course, apologized this morning when I dropped him off at work and he said that he loved me so much. Oh and actually had the nerve to ask me if I forgive him. I just gave him one of those 'go you know where' kind of looks and he asked me again if I was going to. I just said maybe in time I will but I won't forget it and I put the vehicle in gear and drove off leaving him standing there.
Now I just feel numb. I was angry and hurt but now I don't feel anything. I'm just blah feeling. I'm in one of those 'I don't care either way' kind of moods. I can stay or go. Either way doesn't matter to me. I'd rather go but I honestly just don't have the energy to fight it out again. I guess maybe all of this is my fault because if I'd just stop pushing him away everytime he hurts me and just learn how to forgive and forget then everything would be fine with us but I don't know how to let things go like that. When someone breaks my heart, it takes a long time for it to start to heal again. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. Don't I have the right to just want sometime to do for myself every once in a while and don't I have the right to not want to be touched now and then? Sometimes I just want people to act like I don't even exist in this world because sometimes I wish I didn't. I know all of this is my fault because he's right I do push him away but I don't know how to stop doing it. I don't argue or fuss at him. I just get quiet and don't say anything and I guess that's the worse thing I can do but even if I did try to talk to him about things he would only take it the wrong way or twist my words. He's already proven that. Everytime I try to talk to him about stuff, he just gets mad and starts yelling and cussing at me. If I wanted that, I'd still be living at home with my dad. He's proven that he's going to be just like daddy is and I don't want to live the rest of my life in the hell that my mom has lived hers. I love my dad more than anything. I do. But the last thing that I want is to be with someone just like him.
Please give me some kind of advice here. I don't know what else to do. I thought that I could make things right but everytime I try things only get worse. I don't want to stay but I don't want to go either.
This morning I packed half of my clothes and put them in the blazer before he got up and I'm going to get a little more each day until the only thing left down there is my furniture because I know I'm not going to be there much longer and as bad as it sounds I get a little bit of pleasure out of knowing the he's going to see a lot of my stuff missing and know that I'm leaving him a little at a time and one day I'll be gone.
You solved your own problem in just this sentence. Yuo need to leave him because it seems things are getting worse and they will continue to get worse. You need to make a stand by leaving and thats what you are doing. There is no need to second thought this because you both need the break. With him laughing at you during an arguement to me is shallow...That is just saying to me that he enjoys fighting and argueing with you...So why do you need a guy like this?
Don;t think about trying to work things out until you have some space apart. Find out what you want and let him find out what he wants. I don't suggest getting back anytime soon until you both can get along. Sometimes
when we really like someone or have falling for someone we try to hard to get thing to work and with you both fighting for a long time it time to just give up the heartache till this desolves. Some things are made to work and some arnt made to work. Your relationship is like trying to make a cat and mouse get along.
It sounds as though you have severe communication problems. With men, you have to tell them what you want. When you are angry, you have to tell them. It sounds as though you walk around with a chip on your shoulder. You need to end this relationship. He is controlling and manipulative (you manipulate as well). I would suggest you get some counseling, because we tend to make the same mistakes over and over until we identify what it is that we are looking for.
I agree Jeff. I just mentioned that for future use. This guy really sounds no good and she sounds kind of difficult, they feed off each other. The only way to save this relationship would be with joint counseling and a lot of work.
First thing that comes to my mind is Power Struggle here...
Your boyfriend is Trying Hard to Controll You if he isn't already. You know this and that is why your pulling away from him. You set up your boundries and he's fighting you all the way till your exhuasted.
Another word that is coming to my mind is RESPECT..I agree there is a limit of a good bye kiss but not a make out session. Then to show you, you can't control him he starts swearing at you in front of people..He is in control, then using the I'll drive you to your mom's and you get your own transportation home...He doesn't want you to work? And, your OK w/this? Again, he's controlling what you can or can not do, YOU on the other hand...mention ALL that you do for him...WHY?
You need to move out, figure out who you are, get a job or something that interests you, don't live off of his money or your parents, become someone you can be proud of and not take this crap from this guy or any future guy in your life. Relationships are NOT all about Fighting and Power Struggles or Control it's about a loving relationship, respecting each other, being able to talk and listen to Each Other and not being afraid to talk or just blow it off because your afraid of what may happen...
well sweetie...I still think he's a control freak and that is why your so overwhelmed with him and all the smothering good & bad. You can't see it because your in love with him...Of course I'm soley basing this from your post.
Being older & wiser...I can tell...You sound young, not that it's a bad thing it's just you can only control yourself, feel what you want to feel, speak up when you need to speak up. Doesn't sound like your boyfriend is listening to you. Yeah, I'm sure he loves you and you love him but is that enough for you? He's ******* you off and your ******* him off, you can't talk to him so where will that lead you? Frustrated Love and that is not Healthy Love.
About the car thing? So your car gets torn up and you quit your job?
Who does that??????? I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude here but I haven't heard of quiting a job because your car is torn up? What does that mean?
You can't get another car? Your parents can't lend you the money for another car? Anyway, you need to straighten out your car situation, get a job, if you can't talk to your boyfriend, it's only going to get worse and if he refuses to listen to you and only wants to argue with you all the time...
girlfriend, that an't no relationship...
You know you want him. But that's not really the case, you want your version of him. You aren't really looking at the way he is, but the way you wish he would be. Nobody would be able to tell me I can't work! He doesn't want you to work? Have you thought of why? Because he can control you better when you have no money of your own. You are in a severely dysfunctional relationship. If you want to stay in it, expect the arguing to continue.
How do I tell him straight up? I've tried saying "baby, it makes me feel____when you____" but it doesn't help because then he just turns the tables on me and says something like "remember the time you ____ well it made me feel ____". So instantly, the situation becomes all about him.
He has actually told me that he likes it when I'm mad because I'm cute when I'm mad but I hate being mad. Why do I need a guy like this? As bad as it may sound, I don't need him. It just kinda feels like the only thing that I can do right now is stay with him because I'm ashamed of myself for getting into this mess and I don't want everyone thinking that I'm a failure for coming back home after making such a big deal about leaving. They all think that I'm so happy and if they find out that I'm faking them out then they're only going to say "I told you so". And I also always said that I would never let a guy treat me this way and now I'm doing it. You are right though. We do need some time apart. A lot of time apart. I think that we're spending too much time together too soon. Before we lived together, things were so good and now we spend so much time together that it's just driving us apart. I try to get him to spend time with his friends so I won't feel guilty for spending time with mine but he won't do it. If we had a life outside of our relationship, I think things would be a whole lot better. It's just not good to spend every single spare moment together without a little bit of the outside world involved.
This has only been going on for a month. We moved in together April 10th and since then we've been fighting. We were together for 5 months and never fought. We just argued about stupid things like what to get for dinner or what movies to rent and stuff like that. Just little stuff that didn't mean anything and when it was over we'd let it go like nothing ever happened and never brought it up again. Why are we fighting like this now?
You tell him strait up by just packing your bags and having him come home when you are not there. That is the only way he will listen to you with out a fight.
I think its cute when when my GF is mad but that is a different way. With him just getting you mad because it stimulates him is incalled for. You asked "Why do I need a guy like this?" Well you just answered it...you need out now..
Now, if you both just moved in together then I can give you the benefit for fighting a LITTLE because you both have to adjust to one living style. But you both have been fighting a lot and he makes mad for no reason and he like it...What type of guy does this?
whatever love you had for him is gone, you have to realize that. You know what to do. No advice needed.
Hi Sophia, like my advice?
Hi sweetie. Well, I think what they have is madness, not a relationship. and this guy keeps yelling at her and cursing for any silly reason. yes, I think the best thing to do would be to leave him. I hate breakups too, but in this case, it would be for the best. And what's up with him not allowing her to work??? seems like a big warning sign to me. doesn't let her work, then throws it in her face and calls her all these horrible names. he's a bad prospect for a mate, no matter how you look at it. I can't believe it's friday already..
Just wanted to let you guys know that yesterday I packed all of my stuff up while he was asleep and was ready to leave when he got up. It was not a pretty scene but I think I got my point across and I know that I done the right thing because after about 10 minutes of me being at my mom's house he came back begging for another chance and I told him that it would take a while for me to be ready to give him another chance because so much has happened and there's going to have to be some changes on his part as well as mine. I've done a lot of thinking and have realized that I am a very hard person to get along with sometimes and a lot of this fussing IS my fault and I've got to work on somethings about myself before I can be have a relationship with anyone else. So, right now I'm back at my parents's house and we're still going to talk on the phone and see each other but we're not going to be serious anymore and he's not going to have a say so in things that he shouldn't have had a say in in the first place. I'm just going to sit back and see where this goes and if he doesn't change his ways toward me then he knows that it's going to be over for good and I'm not going to take him back. I've made that clear to him and I intend to stick to my word.
As far as the job thing, I know you're not trying to be rude it but I had no choice but to quit my job. My work was almost an hour drive from where I lived and I had no transportation after my car tore up. Sorry to be rude, but where I come from, people don't just go around handing out money to those who need vehicles and I don't have the money for another one. Moey doesn't come that easily. My parents also have bills to pay and I'm not the kind of person to go around bumming for money that I know I can't pay back. I'm going tomorrow to put in applications around here because my parents are going to give me a ride to work if I get a job close to home just until I get enough money up to fix my own ride. I'm going to get things back together and I'm not letting them get this far out of hand again.
Oh yeah, I'm about to turn 21 for those of you who keep wondering how old I am.
Last edited by Silent Storm; 05-17-2004 at 06:21 AM.
Well, you may be only 21 but you do know not to stick around a relationship going wrong. I laughed about the part you said your a hard person to get along with...Honey...who isn't? We all have our ways..some things we can change about ourselves and others things...Make Us who we are. If you want to change do so for you and no one else. Chalk this up to experince, one of many you will experince in your lifetime. This is how we grow.
OK, I'm sorry about the car thing. You did have a long commute to work and I can see why quiting was the only option. What I did mean was could your parents loan you the money or co sign a car loan? If they can not then you did what you had to do. I wish I was 21 again. but knowing what I now know so I would have done things different...Us older ones always say this so we can also tell you...You have done the smart thing. Take it easy with your boyfriend, enjoy the comforts of home w/your parents.
Good luck with your hunt for a job and then your new car. All will work out for you by keeping a focus on YOU and acheiving whatever it is for you.
It's okay about the car thing. I failed to mention the distance that I had to travel for the job so that is my fault. Thanks so much for being around for me to talk to. Talking to you guys is what helped me come to my decision. I knew what to do all along but I guess I just needed someone to tell me that I wasn't in the wrong or something. I really need to start thinking for myself though and quit depending on people to tell me when I'm right or wrong and base my decisions on how I feel. I'm the only one who knows everything that is really going on and no one else can tell me the best way for me to handle MY situations. Sometimes I just don't trust my own instincts until someone else agrees. I know it's bad but I guess we all do it at one time or the other.
Anyway, thanks so much. It feels so good to be back home where I'm comfortable. One day I'll have my own place and I can be the one who stays and they will be the one who goes. Hopefully I won't have to do this again though. If I keep my head straight and handle things as they happen, this wouldn't have happened in the first place. I just tend to act on impulse and get myself way in over my head before I realize what I'm doing.
Well things are on the right track for you in the relationship. You are doing the right thing by taking it slow to see how things go. Don't give in to him at any time or suck in any guilt trip he may give you.
I am sorry to hear about you going to quit your job but hopefully there is something near by and if not maybe you can get sothing Temp/ just to have an income.
hey there S.S. i cant beleive it. your EX boyfriend sounds sooo much like mine. i think you are so brave and strong for leaving. i know how you feel, when you said you dont have the energy to go through with the break up. ive been with my b f for 9 years and it is so hard for me to start the whole break up process, again. he does the exact same things as yours. he even threatens to ruin my life when i say i want to break up. we live together and have a very beloved dog. its so complicated. i guess im still with him because im lazy, and scared of being all alone for the first time. (im 23) im also sooo used to being with him all the time. but, we fight almost everyday, about the stupidest things, just like your pda. he couldnt respect your feelings, and its crazy. we fight about things like that too. i totally understand all of your feelings, and wanting to just momentarilly forget about things, to avoid hours of angry fighting. i kicked him out this summer for a week and he laid the biggest of guilt trips on me. he was so upset, and wouldnt get out of my life. he was staying 2 blocks away. so i flew in late after a job, and he picked me up at this airport thats difficult to get home from. i was so tired i just gave in and let him spend the night. then he just ended up staying. he treated me like a queen for about 3 months, and now things are pretty much back to normal. people have told me that people dont really change. i think its the truth. please keep that in mind. im sure if you went back to him, youd eventually be miserable again, like me. so sorry for rambling. he will be home soon, and hed freak out about me looking at relationship boards. i think they both have big problems with insecurity. we have so many problems, that i would have to type all night. and since he is so insecure, he hasnt wanted me hanging out with girlfriends. it has always caused problems. so now i really dont have any close friends, to talk to or hang out with. it will be so hard for me to go through this again. but i cant keep lying to myself, and procrastinating forever. please stay strong. if you really love him, all of the fighting will eventually eat it away, and youll hate him. that is my experience anyway. if anyone has any advice for me, please help.
Temple - You can stop the craziness if you really want. 9years is a long time with someone but for petes sake...Your only 23 - You are so young to be dealing with a control freak. Think of the Peace and quite you will get living on your own, the time to yourself to start a new life, don't be scared, be thrilled at the many opportunities that is out there for you.
People Can CHANGE if they want.
You can't change your boyfriend nor should you have to, but You can change YOU for YOU and how YOU want to live your life. Your boyfriend can only change himself if HE wants to..but what do you care - Think about yourself and how much Your really losing in your life by staying with this controlling guy of yours.