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Old 05-14-2004, 01:39 PM   #1
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elizab83 HB User
Help! I need some advice

undefinedOkay. My fiancee and I have been together for 2 years now. We have basically lived together ever since we have been together. The day before valentine's day, i found some video's with girls on them. I did not approve of this, he did not tell me about his renting of these videos. When I found them, he did not know why he did it, besides he was stupid, atleast that is what he says. Now he is obcessed with porn. I don't know what to do. It just makes me sick. If anyone has advice, please help me. I am desperate.

 
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Old 05-14-2004, 04:18 PM   #2
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Help! I need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by elizab83
undefinedOkay. My fiancee and I have been together for 2 years now. We have basically lived together ever since we have been together. The day before valentine's day, i found some video's with girls on them. I did not approve of this, he did not tell me about his renting of these videos. When I found them, he did not know why he did it, besides he was stupid, atleast that is what he says. Now he is obcessed with porn. I don't know what to do. It just makes me sick. If anyone has advice, please help me. I am desperate.
Advice for what:

1. Stay or leave
2. How to get him to stop
3. How to learn accept his porn interest
4. How to resolve the root cause of his recent interest

What do you want advice about?

 
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Old 05-14-2004, 06:12 PM   #3
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MellyJellyBean HB User
Re: Help! I need some advice

I think that if you fiancee watches these movies every now and then...its ok. Most guys just watch it as a form of entertainment like a tv show and dont consider it a big deal. It most likely reflects nothing of the relationship. But then again, if hes Obsessed like you say, and constantly renting and watching these videos, you should definitely speak up. Communication is the key. If the movies make you that sick, tell him no matter what.Tell him that the videos make you uncomfortable. If he really loves you, he'll understand. Your defintely more important to him than a few videos so it shouldnt be hard for him to give up. If you two are truly meant to be together, ya'll will soon overcome this minor problem.

 
Old 05-15-2004, 09:15 AM   #4
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mary2468 HB User
Re: Help! I need some advice

He's not going to change watching the videos..and if you try to change that too much, he's going to resent you. You need to decide if you can live with him exactly as he is now...sad to say, but people don't usually improve..they get worse. You need to be able to accept him with his best AND worst points if you want to share your life with him. I was engaged for almost 1 year when I went through some drama last fall (and I also posted my story on these boards). Basically, I found out that he was lying to me about some stuff and that he'd been pretty disrespectful to me, and even though I loved him, I am not going to marry someone I can't trust...so I broke up with him and now I'm with someone new who is awesome. I'm not telling you to break up with him, but I am telling you that you need to take a seriuos look at your relationship and your fiance and you need to decide what's best for you. If you can live with the videos, then good. Remember to talk to him about them and tell him how you feel, and maybe you can reach a compromise. It's really all up to you. Good luck!
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Old 05-15-2004, 10:08 AM   #5
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Help! I need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by mary2468
Basically, I found out that he was lying to me about some stuff and that he'd been pretty disrespectful to me, and even though I loved him, I am not going to marry someone I can't trust.so I broke up with him...
Mary, a sincere congratulations on your resolve. Far too many people see the truth and then spend incredible energy in denial and rationalization to avoid doing what must be done. Despite your "love" for him, you knew that principal would be seriously compromised and day to day life with him would be frustrating and painful, so you left. Love does not conquer all. Love with a healthy dose of behaviors that show respect and dignity for your partner is what conquers all.

I am sure it was tough, but making the right choice, despite feelings of love, landed you in a much better place. I wish others posting with problems here would have the courage and self respect you demonstrated.

 
Old 05-16-2004, 08:03 AM   #6
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Help! I need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by elizab83
undefinedOkay. My fiancee and I have been together for 2 years now. We have basically lived together ever since we have been together. The day before valentine's day, i found some video's with girls on them. I did not approve of this, he did not tell me about his renting of these videos. When I found them, he did not know why he did it, besides he was stupid, atleast that is what he says. Now he is obcessed with porn. I don't know what to do. It just makes me sick. If anyone has advice, please help me. I am desperate.

OK, first YOU DO NOT APPROVE of your boyfriend watching these videos, then you state HE DIDN'T tell YOU about renting them...What are you his mother? Then he gave you answer and You do not know what to do.
and THEN you say It just makes you SICK...You sound like his mother more then anything....

If you don't like the Video's then you tell him that you don't. Period.
If he's obsessed with the video's more then he is w/you you tell him that is how you feel. If it still makes you sick that your live in boyfriend rather watch porn videos then spend time with you, what do you think you should do? You decide if this is the kind of boyfriend you want to be with and live with or you move on...

 
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