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Old 05-16-2004, 08:00 AM   #1
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>>doll<< HB User
Unhappy please help! marriage over?

ok here's the deal and it may get long, but please bear with me i am really in need of help. my husband and i have been married for 2 years. this past tuesday was our ann. for a long time we have been having trouble, not with communication though.when we first got together he used to help me all the time around the house and now that he works 3rd shift he slacked off a lot. i would get agurvated and i would nagg at him all the time. he would always address this to me and for some reason i would say "things will get better and i will try to stop fussing so much" but in realiaty i would push it in the back of my mind. so things would continue the way they always were. our sex life had went down the drain because we seemed to have no time and he didnt seem to interested because she was angry with me over fussing at him. which i think i can understand that. anyways wed. night we got into a small argument on the phone while he was at work and i wanted to stay on the phone and talk about it instead he wanted to get off the phone so it proceeded to become a bigger argument. so he had all night to think about it and he came home the next morning and told me that he thought we neede to spend some time apart. that i need to figure out whay really made me happy, and he need to get away so that the angry feelings he had for me would maybe be minamised and that the good would seem much larger instead. so he spent the whole day with me on our ann. and all i spent doing that day was appologising and begging him not to go. he left that night and he has come around to see me once. he has held my hand, rubbed my back, and kissed me which is causing mixxed feelings. he says that after he gets himself straight that he atleast owes me to try to work things out and see if i have really changed. i have made a promise to myself and to him that knowing what i know now and finally realising what could happen. i no longer want to be the person that i have become. i want things to be ok, i want us to be able to have a happy marriage. he also says that he hopes that i hant done too much dammage to his self esteem by beating him down to make him feel worthless, that he cant get back with me. he keeps saying he just needs his space, but how do i do that, all i want to do is call him and just tell him how much i love him. just to hear his voice. he keeps saying " i dont know what will happen, and i dont think he is seeing someone else. he acts depressed, same as me he cant eat cant sleep. and he even cried when he left, he said i am sorry that things have to be this way but we cant continue our marriage like this. please help me i am so confused and hurt. do you think that maybe he really does want to work things out? a part of me feels that if he didn't he would have just left with no contact, and wouldnt have agreed to pay half the bills.
thanks for listening, and i am sorry for the long drawn out story. it is all to complicated for even me to understand.

Last edited by >>doll<<; 05-16-2004 at 08:38 AM.

 
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Old 05-16-2004, 09:04 AM   #2
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eightball61 HB User
Re: marriage over?

This term is known as Seperation.

This isn't a divorce of anykind as of yet. During a seperation most couples spend the time to regain their thoughts and try to find out where they want the relationship to go. With him saying he needs time apart is saying he need time to cool down so the marriage can be saved without a divorce. Durning this time will give you both the chance to think if this is really going to work.

One of the things you can do together is go to marriage counseling. This will help you talk about your problems openly. Your marriage is young and if you both want to save it then think about the counseling so you both can work together.

I notice that you mention that you both have been having problems for a long time but you go on to add this all started when he started 3rd shift. If he just started 3rd then I can see his side to the arguement because it does take some time to get your body adjusted to the time change.

With him apologizing, holding your hand, rubbing your back, and kissing you I personally see that you both are still interested in a way because you wouldn't be writing here if you weren't. Since your communication isn't weak then I suggest talking to him about counseling and see where he want to take things. He will say he wants sometime but its just to think. You don't want to force his desicion so give him time and space.

Many may argue and tell you to leave but this is somthing you can probably save. This isn't a situatio where he is cheating or abusing you. Right now you both are at a point of differences. We are all different in one way or another and one of the main points of a successful relationship is accpeting those differences and working it all out. A counselor will help you through that and if you both still find no peace then...well I am sure you know.

Hope it all works out.

Last edited by eightball61; 05-16-2004 at 09:13 AM.

 
Old 05-16-2004, 09:10 AM   #3
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>>doll<< HB User
Re: marriage over?

i have talked to him about counceling and he wont go. he says that this isnt something that anyone else can fix. about the 3rd shift he has been on it for a year now, but he still says that he has trouble sleeping. i just want the pain to subside, and the uncertianity is killing me.
thanks for your advise. and i also hope things work out for the best.

 
Old 05-16-2004, 09:14 AM   #4
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>>doll<< HB User
Re: marriage over?

also i think what has hurt me the most is that he took his wedding band off, and said that when/if we can work things out that he wants us to do something special and put them back on. he wants it to mean something and says it dosnt mean anything to him right now except that he is in prison and miserable. i wanted to leave mine on because to spite all the problems i am still married to him and i love him just the same.

 
Old 05-16-2004, 09:21 AM   #5
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eightball61 HB User
Re: marriage over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by devildoll
i have talked to him about counceling and he wont go. he says that this isnt something that anyone else can fix. about the 3rd shift he has been on it for a year now, but he still says that he has trouble sleeping. i just want the pain to subside, and the uncertianity is killing me.
thanks for your advise. and i also hope things work out for the best.
Well it does sound like he wants to be with you by still be close at times but him not going to counseling throws me off. I do understand that some people believe another person can't fix things but they actually can. Put it this was...Why would there be counselors if counseling doesn't work?

He seems on of those types that like to hide from a problem rather than facing the realities of life. Running won't help because you both are need for a talking. So what is his plan????? Hide until he feels better!!!!! I hope he doesn't do this because this can be a huge problem in the future to come.

You both need to face it and talk about it. If he is willing to save this marriage then he should be willing for counseling. Counseling may not be for him, but in reality who really likes it and braggs about it??? No many, but we know a lot of people go. This is all private and knowone has to know because this is your personal life.

Give it some time(maybe a weak) and ask him what he wants to do. It seems like you do want to save this but in the sense you are almost about to give up. If you don't want to give up then don't until he says thats it. Talk to him....

 
Old 05-16-2004, 09:26 AM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: marriage over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by devildoll
also i think what has hurt me the most is that he took his wedding band off, and said that when/if we can work things out that he wants us to do something special and put them back on. he wants it to mean something and says it dosnt mean anything to him right now except that he is in prison and miserable. i wanted to leave mine on because to spite all the problems i am still married to him and i love him just the same.
Just give him sometime to think so he can find out what he want. You don't want to call him at work to fight nor when you call him don't start talking about this until you feel that you are ready. Let him call you because that means he is ready to talk to you or if he doesn't call like everyother day. When you both talk just talk about your day's, wheather, ect. Anything that won't trigger a fight. He will come to you when he is ready for a peacful discusion.

 
Old 05-16-2004, 09:40 AM   #7
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>>doll<< HB User
Re: marriage over?

he says that he dosn't want anyones opinion one way or another he wants to think for himself. i think that goes back to the point he has made once before to me "we always do what you want and i feel like i have no say so" he moved back in with his grandmother and he told all of his family that he didnt want them to talk about it. he also says that it hurts him to see me or to talk to me, and he says it is a hurt in a bad way, he knows he is hurting me. i dont think he is ruuning from the problem i think maybe he just wants to figure things out by himself rather than me having any baring on his discessions.

 
Old 05-16-2004, 09:44 AM   #8
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>>doll<< HB User
Re: marriage over?

i also dont really want to push the counceling issue too much for fear of making him more mad. i just keep going in circles and my mind seems to be going 900 miles a min.

 
Old 05-16-2004, 09:46 AM   #9
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eightball61 HB User
Re: marriage over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by devildoll
he says that he dosn't want anyones opinion one way or another he wants to think for himself. i think that goes back to the point he has made once before to me "we always do what you want and i feel like i have no say so" he moved back in with his grandmother and he told all of his family that he didnt want them to talk about it. he also says that it hurts him to see me or to talk to me, and he says it is a hurt in a bad way, he knows he is hurting me. i dont think he is ruuning from the problem i think maybe he just wants to figure things out by himself rather than me having any baring on his discessions.
Well it seems as if there not much more you can do except wait for him to think things through. I am sure you'll get a lot more advice on this topic. I wish I had more info to provide but it seems like he just wants to solve and play detective himself so I say just le him be then. Now, you don't want to wake for years but give him a little time....

 
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