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Old 05-16-2004, 01:36 PM   #1
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dark_angel HB User
I feel horrible

okay this is the first time I've asked anything on this website. but yesterday i went over to my ex's house to hang out. we've been broken up for about a year&1/2 now but we stayed friends. well we got kinda drunk and ended up having sex. the thing is he has a girlfriend. i know it was a mistake, and i feel horrible about it. my question is should he tell his girlfriend about it. i know it wont ever happen agian. and i cant start a relationship with him. and i know he really cares about her dispite what happened. should he ruin his relationship with her over something that was nothing.
I would be thankful for any feed back.

 
Old 05-16-2004, 02:56 PM   #2
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promisez HB User
Re: I feel horrible

You shouldn't even be concerned about it, what he does is HIS decision. Granted you both had a role in the events and you've just proven you can no longer even be friends without jeopardizing any of either of your relationships in the future. Alcohol doesn't just kill germs and bacteria, it also kills relationships and families. Next time you decide you are "kinda drunk", you may want to decide if you will ever be "kinda pregnant". Fact is, you either are or you're not, plain and simple yet you will still be held accountable for your actions. Break away before that "nothing" happens again.

 
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Old 05-17-2004, 07:54 AM   #3
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eightball61 HB User
Re: I feel horrible

This is totally his decision... Yes, you both were in the wrong. Now you did say that he really cares for her but how can you explain that with him cheating on her??? If he cares as much as you say he does then he should automatically tell her about it and if he doesn't then that just shows how much he does care. Anyway, I know you said that you don't want a relationship with him which is good because why would you want a guy like this??

 
Old 05-17-2004, 08:39 AM   #4
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SophiaM HB User
Re: I feel horrible

Dark Angel, stop feeling horrible and beating yourself up. You didn't do anything wrong. Your ex is the one who chose to cheat on his current girlfriend. He is the one who should feel horrible and wonder if he should tell the gf or not. It's really not your problem. Just be happy you don't date him anymore because he's obviously not a faithful guy.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 08:44 AM   #5
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dark_angel HB User
Re: I feel horrible

ive known this guy for almost 7 years i know how he is. i know he does care for this girl. and i cant stop being friends with him. hes benn one of my best friends during everythinf else ive been going through lately. i know im not pregnent. it is his fault but it feels like mostly mine.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 08:49 AM   #6
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SophiaM HB User
Re: I feel horrible

Listen, it's not your fault. Nobody forced him to have sex with you. Doesn't matter how long you've known him. He had a choice and he made it. Why should it be "mostly your fault"? That's just irrational. Stop beating yourself up. It's nice to see someone has such a moral consciousnessness like you do, but in this case it's really misplaced. YOU were single and he's the one with a gf. If you still want to remain friends with the guy but not get yourself in this kind of situation, only see him in public and never hang out at his or your place alone.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 09:29 AM   #7
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: I feel horrible

Hey Dark Angel -
Look, you two have a history together being married and maintained your friendship. What's done is done..If he really really cares for his girlfriend he wouldn't have agreed to making love to you. You can go on and blame yourself all you want but would good will it do you? If you end up telling the girlfriend, you run the risk of ruining your ex's relationship with this girl and You will be blamed for it and may lose your ex-husband's friendship along the way. This decision is up to your exhusband to tell his girlfriend not you.

Stay out of it unless this is what you want to do - cause more trouble then it's worth...

look, I know where your coming from - when I was separated from my exhusband - we too were good friends - we fooled around and I DID get pregant.YEP!..WE got back together again and tried to make our marriage work for the sake of our beautiful son...Well, we divorced a year after my son turned 1 - (14+years ago) but my ex and I are still on good friendly terms with NO MORE SEX....

 
Old 05-17-2004, 09:37 AM   #8
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eightball61 HB User
Re: I feel horrible

Quote:
Originally Posted by dark_angel
ive known this guy for almost 7 years i know how he is. i know he does care for this girl. and i cant stop being friends with him. hes benn one of my best friends during everythinf else ive been going through lately. i know im not pregnent. it is his fault but it feels like mostly mine.

You don't have to stop being friends with him but this is something he has to tell his girlfriend. You did say twice that he cares for her but how can he if he cheated on her. I understand that mistakes happen but if he doesn't say anything then that goes to show that he doesn't.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 10:53 AM   #9
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Re: I feel horrible

NO, if you want to be on remotely speaking terms with your ex, then he should not tell his gf about the encounter. What good would that do? If you're sure it was a mistake and you'll never do it again, don't tell the girlfriend. Most likely she would end up being extremely hurt and would hate you for sleeping with the guy. Plus, if he tells her, you can forget right there about staying friends with him. She will NEVER tolerate it.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 11:06 AM   #10
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eightball61 HB User
Re: I feel horrible

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
NO, if you want to be on remotely speaking terms with your ex, then he should not tell his gf about the encounter.
That is why we have many people out there wondering why thier is alot id distrust, hate, and jealousy in this world. We have many people here talking about cheating and we tell them they did a good job with being open about la la la. You coming out saying don't say anything is raw.....

He cheated and thats the point. If he really cared he would have never done. Don't blame the alcohol it takes to then they both did it. His girlfriend is the innocent part and she needs to know. If they don't remain friends that is there fault, but caring has to do with being honest and trustworthy.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 11:13 AM   #11
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Re: I feel horrible

I disagree. Telling his girlfriend will accomplish two things: 1) it is VERY likely to end the relationship between him and the gf; 2) even if the gf decides to forgive and stay, she will definitly hate the poster with a passion and there is no way she would allow any friendship between the poster and the guy. I am not excusing the guy's behavior. I do think he's responsible, regardless of the alcohol. But, if he regrets it deeply and it was this one time and he has no intention of ever doing it again, what would telling his girlfriend accomplish, except making their relationship strained?

 
Old 05-17-2004, 11:48 AM   #12
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eightball61 HB User
Re: I feel horrible

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
I disagree. Telling his girlfriend will accomplish two things: 1) it is VERY likely to end the relationship between him and the gf; 2) even if the gf decides to forgive and stay, she will definitly hate the poster with a passion and there is no way she would allow any friendship between the poster and the guy. I am not excusing the guy's behavior. I do think he's responsible, regardless of the alcohol. But, if he regrets it deeply and it was this one time and he has no intention of ever doing it again, what would telling his girlfriend accomplish, except making their relationship strained?
Well maybe so but remember him and the poster are the ones that did wrong. If his GF leaves she did the right thing because if he cared for her like the poster mentioned then this would have never happen. Its ok to be friends and drink with friend but not cheat with friends.

If she stays and doesn't want to this girl to be his friend then thats those terms. This guy did wrong and went outside of his relationship. That looses trust and if he want to regain it he has to do somthing about it like loose her.

No matter what he doesn't win either way. This was wrong to happen and if he wants to make it right then he should do the right thing...And thats be honest~ (you know on of those things that are important to a successful relationship).

 
Old 05-17-2004, 11:55 AM   #13
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Re: I feel horrible

okay, just my thoughts...i think it's only right that he tell his new girlfriend what happened...relationships are about honesty and it's only right that she knows so she can decide if he's worth her time...he doesn't deserve her...

yes, it might break up the friendship between you two....and since it accidentally happened once what is going to stop it from happening again...i would make sure to never get kinda drunk with him again...
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Old 05-17-2004, 12:07 PM   #14
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eightball61 HB User
Re: I feel horrible

[QUOTE=excaliburgrl]relationships are about honesty

/QUOTE]


And Excal you are 100% right

 
Old 05-17-2004, 12:11 PM   #15
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: I feel horrible

LOL...

Here we "all" go again...I'm sorry if I'm laughing but we all have given advise on this board from one time or another about Cheating...At least every week someone comes on the board and either has been cheated on or was the cheater and Our answers vary from week to week.

None of us Approve of Cheating. and None of Us wants to get cheated on.
I think we can ALL agree to that, but it's the format on how one is cheating on and with whom or who is writing the post for answers...That is when our responses...including mine get different..

The POST asked the question if she should Tell her exhusband's girlfriend that they slept together...I say NO, it is not her place to tell the girlfriend but the ex-husband. and I explained why it would be better that she did not tell.
NOW, the ex didn't come on board and ask the question and if he did - our response would be TO TELL his girlfriend...But he is not here. MY opionion is if this girlfriend was an important part of his life, he would not be having his exwife over for cocktails and then head off to bed...Does this make his actions any better? NO...It will be HIS place to tell his girlfriend...question is will he? This is one of those fears in being involved with an exhusband who is friendly with his exwife...This is not the first time this has happend nor will it be the last, I'm not talking about just the post but people in general. I did it too w/my own exhusband..I slept with him after we were divorced.....serveral times.BUT...niether one of us were involved with anyone else.

I think we can all agree - it's up to the guy if he wants to tell and if he doesn't he doesn't and who's to say,,,the girlfriend does find out?

Last edited by GirlHarley; 05-17-2004 at 12:12 PM.

 
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