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Old 05-16-2004, 03:43 PM   #1
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feel_safer_now HB User
problems a plenty

Where do I start and when will it end ?

My wife started having an affair almost a year ago.

I found out nine months ago.

Six months ago I moved my family thousands of miles away to escape the damage and pain it was causing me and potential damage and pain it would have inevitably caused our kids.

My wife and I are still married and living together but the shadow of the affair still lives with us and always will while she remains in love with the 3rd party.

How do we move on ?

We both love our kids ...so much so - we are prepared to live a sham marraige just to keep things together for their sake.

Is this the right thing to do ?

My wife is still in occassional contact with her lover - depite my efforts to block communication.

I realise that where there's a will there's a way - so should I continue to disrupt their block communication ?

I love my wife ...but I have lost all trust in her - everytime I try to give the benefit of the doubt - she let's me down.

She is trying to resist the temptation to stay in touch ...she likens it to an addition.

I'm probably guilty of rushing to repair the marraige too soon ...marraige is a marathon after all and not sprint.

I try to understand things from her side, and to be fair to her she is genuinely contrite.

I feel she can never love me again or repair the damage done while she remains in contact with her lover who remains on the other side of the world.

I feel safer now because they are physically apart ...but I'm afraid of what the future holds ...nobody wants to live in a loveless marraige - but equally I would do anything for my kids and my wife for that matter ...except let her hurt our kids.

What a mess ...I can't imagine what advice I might get that could possibly help - but I'm willing to try anything !

I look forward to some expert insight ...

 
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Old 05-16-2004, 04:05 PM   #2
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: problems a plenty

Quote:
Originally Posted by feel_safer_now
I'm probably guilty of rushing to repair the marraige too soon ...marraige is a marathon after all and not sprint.
Yours is not a marriage "in repair". It is a marriage in disrepair. You did not mention specifically that you two have been in counseling. I would assume you would have said that if you had. GET COUNSELING. That would mark the actual beginning of "repair".



Quote:
Originally Posted by feel_safer_now
I try to understand things from her side, and to be fair to her she is genuinely contrite.
You have a very bizarre concept of contrite. In my book, seeking contact with the other man would 100% negate any pretense of contrition. Her contrition is lip service.


Quote:
Originally Posted by feel_safer_now
I feel she can never love me again or repair the damage done while she remains in contact with her lover who remains on the other side of the world.
This is the understatement of your post. It is impossible. She cannot work on your marriage and also be in touch with him. It is not, not likely, it is impossible.

I am the biggest proponent of keeping families together for the kids. But even I find this scenario as worse for the kids. She either needs to commit to "repair", or you need to face a very tough reality that says she has to go.

I know how tormented you must feel as it relates to your kids. But your marriage is a sham right now and you cannot go on in the situation you have. Kids will suffer. I do not say that lightly.

She either commits with no second chances or she is out. If you allow a second chance (which you know by now has probably been a dozen second chances) you are in need of counseling for yourself to be stronger - for your kids.

 
Old 05-16-2004, 04:20 PM   #3
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Re: problems a plenty

If one of YOUR CHILDREN were in this situation, would you tell them to settle for a bad relationship, move a few thousand miles away and hope for the best? If you wouldn't, why are you teaching them that it's OK? So far you have been reacting, maybe it's time to act now instead?

 
Old 05-16-2004, 04:31 PM   #4
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Re: problems a plenty

This is not as straight forward as it might appear at first.

We had counseling at the height of the affair, and my wife is now having counseling on her own.

I want us to get counseling together but she says she's not ready for that yet.


The thing is ...she had an affair with a woman - not a man ...and as a result she is screwed up in her head she has has what she calls a sexual identity crisis.

So you can see - there are more issues to resolve than normal following an affair.

She is sorry for what happened ...in her words - you don't choose who you fall in love with - when it happens you loose all control.

I feel the ongoing contact is partly to do with hanging on to a times gone by
and partly to do with guilt and concern for her lovers well being.

You're right ...I am too soft - I've given her so many chances - I feel like a door-mat but the stakes are high ...the highest - the health and safety of my kids.

I really don't care about being hurt any more - I have cried and screamed until I'm horse.

I just want to do the right thing ...by my wife, by my kids and of course by myself - I do still have some self respect.

I realise this can't go on forever ...the time must come when life gets back to normal or we say enough is enough but I feel like I'm along way from there.

Thanks for your comments - I need to hear some new ideas because I am trying to keep a lid on what's gone on now and what's going on over the last year - for the sake of all of us, so I don't have many opportunties to discuss this.

My hope is that we can get over this episode and move on ...and leave it all behind us.

Am I niave ...marraiges do recover from worse don't they ?

 
Old 05-16-2004, 04:44 PM   #5
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Re: problems a plenty

Quote:
Originally Posted by promisez
If one of YOUR CHILDREN were in this situation, would you tell them to settle for a bad relationship, move a few thousand miles away and hope for the best? If you wouldn't, why are you teaching them that it's OK? So far you have been reacting, maybe it's time to act now instead?
Yeah I think I would actually.

There's no physical or mental abuse going on ...we don't fight in front of the kids ...in fact we don't really fight at all - all we do is cry together and talk it over and over ...but we just seem to go round and round.

I think people give up on marraige too quickly these days - it's got to be worth fight for - especially after 10 years of what we both agree were good years and 3 beautiful kids who are at such delicate atage of their little lives.

She is still in love with this other woman and I guess it will get time to get over her. I agree with my wife when she says it would be a pretty meaningless affair if you could just walk away and forget the other person, but the flipside is of course is how can someone in a good marraige have an affair ?

Well in her defense she we were thousands of miles from family and friends and she was very very lonely ...fo which I have to take some of the blame ...because we had moved abroad to pursue my career.

 
Old 05-16-2004, 04:47 PM   #6
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Re: problems a plenty

I gotta go to bed now ...I hope to read some more helpful comments tomorrow.

 
Old 05-16-2004, 04:54 PM   #7
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Re: problems a plenty

So your saying that since the violation of trust happened within the species but with the same sex it's "different"? Counselling together didn't work but since it's seperate it's OK? Sure, one can make anything work as long as we lower our standards and as long as one realizes the definition of "make" is now "The willingness to settle for a lie."
I don't believe you are naive but I do see you trying to hang on so hard you're just clawing and getting bloody fingernails. She does, by your own words still love her. If thats the lesson to teach the kids, that would be your choice.

 
Old 05-16-2004, 10:26 PM   #8
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feel_safer_now HB User
Re: problems a plenty

Quote:
Originally Posted by promisez
So your saying that since the violation of trust happened within the species but with the same sex it's "different"?
Of course it is ...the gendor of the 3rd part definately makes a difference to your response. In a black & white then of course all violations of trust would be treated equally - but the world is not black & white.

Quote:
Originally Posted by promisez
Counselling together didn't work but since it's seperate it's OK?
Possibly - That was then this is now ...I'm sure many people visit more than one counseller before they can find help ...and I'm sure there is a time when Counselling can help and a time when Counselling can't help. Don't you agree ?[/QUOTE]


Quote:
Originally Posted by promisez
Sure, one can make anything work as long as we lower our standards and as long as one realizes the definition of "make" is now "The willingness to settle for a lie."
For now maybe ...but time is a great healer and who knows what life will be like 1 year from now ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by promisez
I don't believe you are naive but I do see you trying to hang on so hard you're just clawing and getting bloody fingernails. She does, by your own words still love her. If thats the lesson to teach the kids, that would be your choice.
The lesson I want to teech my kids is that marraige is a commitment for life ...through good times and the bad.

promisez, you seem very negative and dismissive and maybe you are right ...it's certainly a different point of view to my own and I guess that's what I'm looking for - so thanks ...but If you don't mind I won't give up hope just yet.

 
Old 05-16-2004, 11:06 PM   #9
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: problems a plenty

Quote:
Originally Posted by feel_safer_now

What a mess ...I can't imagine what advice I might get that could possibly help - but I'm willing to try anything !

I look forward to some expert insight ...


The thing is ...she had an affair with a woman - not a man ...and as a result she is screwed up in her head she has has what she calls a sexual identity crisis.
Normally, I would have said you were in quite a pickle here. But after reading your follow up post and since you are willing to try anything!...

Why don't you propose making it a threesome and everybody will be part of one big happy family. I would, but then, I'm screwed up in the head as well. Just some friendly advice from a sick mind... and proud of it.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 01:43 AM   #10
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Re: problems a plenty

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoop
Normally, I would have said you were in quite a pickle here. But after reading your follow up post and since you are willing to try anything!...

Why don't you propose making it a threesome and everybody will be part of one big happy family. I would, but then, I'm screwed up in the head as well. Just some friendly advice from a sick mind... and proud of it.
Believe me - I'm a red blooded male ...I've thought about all that 3 some stuff - but it's just a fantasy - that kind of stuff does not work in long term functional relationships ...it only exists in the movies.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 04:49 AM   #11
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Re: problems a plenty

also, i've heard of a lot of couples that were all for threesomes and it ended the relationship...

this is quite an struggle you are in...but even if your kids don't hear you talking about what's going on, they can feel it in the atmosphere...kids are pretty good at picking up things...you are unhappy and will continue to be that way until you break away...

i know you want to work things out, and i'm not trying to discourage you from doing so...how is she still keeping in contact with this other woman? is it thru phone, letters, e mail...all of these things can be controlled...don't let her talk on the cell phone, take your long distance plan off your home phone, make the computer password protected...i started out trying to do the same thing with my husband, but realized that if he was gonna cheat again, then it was better off getting done sooner than later...that way i could leave and try to move on...

but you know that she has tried to sever ties and has failed...i'm not sure what actual advice i can give you...i don't think it's fair for either of you to stay in a sham marriage if she's not going to try to work on things...
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Old 05-17-2004, 08:05 AM   #12
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feel_safer_now HB User
Re: problems a plenty

They keep in touch over the phone or by text messages ...I have tried to control this but you are right - if they are gonna do it - they're gonna do it.

But everytime I discover they have been in contact - I get really ****** off.

I'm under no illusion ...it's gonna take time time for us both to get over this ...but I'm in no rush ...we certainly don't hate each other.

We try to go out when we can get babysitters and we do still make each other laugh.

But there is this meloncholy cloud hanging over us all the time ...it's like we have lost the inocense that comes with complete trust.

I don't trust her cos of what's happened.

And she doesn't trust me because she feels that whenever she shares her most intimate feelings about this other woman with me, I turn it against her. Which is true ...so I often think I'm better off knowing ...but there is always this nagging desire to know all there is to know.

How can you ever get that back that trust ?

I also realise that it will only work if both of us want it to.

I love my wife and right now all she knows right now is that she loves and tresures our kids and doesn't want to cause them any pain. So I guess that I have to accept the status quo for now and hope and pray things can recover.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 08:41 AM   #13
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promisez HB User
Re: problems a plenty

I did notice that with all suggestions you still end up right back where you were at in the beginning with your justifications why and thats ok. The only other suggestion I can offer is a simple one...acceptance of the situation. And I may have sounded negative but I just call em as I see em based on 52 years of age and a lot of lifes tragedies tossed in.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 09:08 AM   #14
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Re: problems a plenty

Well, you can also just wait it out and chances are that she will soon get bored with keeping up the long distance thing. I mean, realistically, the "romance" has very slim chances of working out. What, is she gonna leave you and her three kids to move to another country and be with that woman? Highly unlikely.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 09:14 AM   #15
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eightball61 HB User
Re: problems a plenty

There is nothing much more that you can do. You state that she goes to see this 3rd party on some occasions. If she wanted to keep the marrriage going then she wouldn't still be doing this.

I know you both love your children but do you really want to stay in a environment where they are going to be confused on if mommy & daddy are actually going to stay together(if they know). Also, for yourself why would you want to stay in somthing if you know that its not going to work. Thinking of the kids is a good idea but what about yourself. Do you really want to stay there until they are 18? Why not just go and start a new life with someone who actuallt does care about you and your girls.

Your girls will always be there but your current wife won't. Let her go do what she wants while you start a new relationship with someone that care so you can be happy again.

 
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