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Old 05-16-2004, 10:03 PM   #1
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glimmereye HB User
Unhappy how to handle my mother

I need some advice. My sisters and I donít know what to do about the situation with our mother. I am 24 years old, my sisters are 21 and 17.

My mom is a very hard person to talk to. We have never been able to be open with our feeling towards her because we always hurt her feelings and then she wonít talk to us for sometimes weeks on end. I never tell my mom if I am upset with her because she always turns it around to make me look like the bad person. I am closer to my mothers-in-law than I am to my own mother.

My youngest sister just graduated from High School this weekend, but she has been living with my other sister and her husband for the past 3 months because her and mom donít get along.

Two weeks ago I stood up to my mom for the first time EVER. I was upset that she had only given my 21 year old sister $50 in the three months my little sister was living with her. My mom gets $500 in child support each month. She screamed at me over the phone and hung up on me twice and then wouldnít talk to me at all. She talked to me online a week later and said that she couldnít understand why us three girls hated her so much because she sacrificed so much to raise us. My mom and dad got divorced 6 years ago after I left for college, so she didnít raise us all by herself.

My grandma is involved in this now and she can not believe how badly we have hurt my mom. She says my mom cries all of the time and she canít talk to us because we hurt her so bad.

The thing is my mom is always like this. She has to have people feel sorry for her and pity her. She manipulated every situation so that she can win, even when she knows she is wrong. We donít hate her and we have all told her that, but she continues to say that we do hate her. My husband and my sisters husband say that we should just go on with our lives and not talk to her anymore. I sometimes feel that way too, but she is my mother and I want to see her be happy. Any advice?

 
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Old 05-17-2004, 07:21 AM   #2
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: how to handle my mother

Your mother sounds like my mother. It tooked me years to get over my hate for her, counseling helped me alot.

The one important thing I did learn from counseling is I can still love my mother, because she is my mother but I do not have to like her or respect her. Your mother will not change, Only you can change yourself. My mother too tooked all my hard earned money while I was a teenager working, my dad died when I was very young so I heard the same thing that your mom has said to you. If I felt a teeny bit sorry for myself because I had no father she would dismis my feelings for the father that I knew, she would bad mouth a dead man. How cruel!

What you feel is Angry because underneith that angry is so much HURT.
Another option is to write you mom a letter, tell her all you feel and write her out of your life or take care of the Angry/Hurt thru counseling and accept what you can not change but lead your life the way You Want. I did not write that letter to my mother, I couldn't - I still wanted my mother in my life.
I am a grown woman but the little girl in me still wanted mommy's approval.
When I relized that and knew that would never happen I felt a Big Load off my shoulders, the angry became hurt, I cried everytime I left my therepy but I also felt a sense of relief. I started to live my life the way I wanted with or without mommy's approval. I didn't allow her to Bring Me Down, I didn't allow her to tell me everything I did was wrong, I didn't give her that time to do so.
I was friendly but not friends, I no longer seeked her approval, I tuned her out when I spoke with her on the phone (she lives 500 miles away )
It's always about her so I knew this and let her go on and on. When she speaks about my sisters (2) I turn her Negative words into Postive...AND you know what...It worked! She does not talk Negative about my or my sisters while on the phone w/me or in person.

I still have moments though of angry...I'll do my crying thing and shake it off because again, I can not change that woman but she can no longer hurt me today like she did during my childhood or teenage years. I choose not to allow it.

Hope this helps..I suggest a Good Counselor who will help you with all the angry you have build up, it's ok, and it's ok to cry too, but you will win in the
end of releasing yourself from the hate you feel for your mother.

Take Care,

 
Old 05-17-2004, 09:32 AM   #3
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eightball61 HB User
Re: how to handle my mother

I agree with ~girlHarley~ here. Counseling will help her to open up and discover herself.

Its hard to determine why she is like this but to me it seems that she may be afraid that all of her daughters will leave her and she will be alone. We both know though, if she keeps this up she will drive her daughters away. She needs to know that you girls are there for her but she needs to stop being the way she is or change.

Has she done the counseling thing yet?

 
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