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Old 05-17-2004, 12:43 AM   #1
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youngm HB User
Question Is this the end of my Marriage?

Hi,

I've been lurking here for a short while and this is my first post here. I hope some of you can provide some much needed advice here, because I'm getting consumed by this to no end

Anyway, my wife and I were high-school sweethearts. We've been together since I was 15 years old! We dated for around 9 years before we finally tied the knot and have now been married for 8 years (going on 9 this year)! We have two lovely daughters whom I love to death!

Things seemed to have gone really stale in our marriage. I feel that the spark has completely gone and the love we use to know is now just deep caring, and nothing more. I'm not even sure I love her passionately anymore! I feel that I only care for her as a dear friend and nothing more and I suspect she feels the same, but hasn't openly admitted it to me.

Is this a normal turn of events for people who have been together for SO long?

Is it possible to love someone passionately with all your heart....... forever?

Has it come to the point where our Souls have travelled as far as we can as partners and now it's time to go our own separate ways?

This confusion is killing me inside and I am suffering from insomnia, tossing and turning thinking about my life and my marriage. I love my girls and it would kill me to be apart from them, however, I think I owe it to myself and to my wife to face the sad reality that this has come to an end and it's time for us to move on. For us to be with someone who loves us the way we deserve to be loved?

Somebody, please help and advise me

P.S: Just FYI, NO, I'm not having an affair and NO, I don't have my eye on another woman. I'm just deeply confused at the moment and long for those feelings of love, desire, spark and romance back in my life...

 
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Old 05-17-2004, 05:01 AM   #2
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excaliburgrl HB User
Re: Is this the end of my Marriage?

have you tried councelling at all? i think you need to talk to your wife and see if she feels the same as you...you can only work together thru this...
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Old 05-17-2004, 05:56 AM   #3
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Is this the end of my Marriage?

Okay, point by point:

Quote:
Originally Posted by youngm
Is this a normal turn of events for people who have been together for SO long?
Yes. That response may not have been clear enough, so let me state it another way...Absolutely. Is it normal? Not just normal, expected. It is life for the vast majority of contented, supporting, loving marriages.



Quote:
Originally Posted by youngm
Is it possible to love someone passionately with all your heart....... forever?
Well, that depends on an individuals concept of love and passionately. You can easily love someone for your whole life. Passionately? Well, passion comes and goes like the torrents of the sea. Strong - weak - strong - idle - passion is not a constant flow. Sometimes it appears to disappear, only to return because of the commitment and respect and love that is there.



Quote:
Originally Posted by youngm
Has it come to the point where our Souls have travelled as far as we can as partners and now it's time to go our own separate ways?
Oh no, don't go there. Parting souls, soul mates, yada, yada, yada. Please forgive my triteness, but the number of people that swear that they found and married their "soul mate" that are now divorced is a very, very long list indeed. The whole soul mate thing is vastly overated.



I begrudge no one's right to seek happiness. I do caution that one seeking passion for life and a coming together of souls may be in for a rude awakening when the next person comes along and appears to spark that passion and time traveler response in you only to find that day to day life will ultimately creep in and present a constant battle over your understandable desires and the real world struggles that keep those desires often at bay.

I say you take command and bring that spark back. You give it your thought and ACTION. You seek counseling and you begin to act in a way that you wan to feel. You are asking questions that millions of married folk ask. You have way too much going for you to throw it away without a fight. And fight implies struggle, some wins, some concessions, and negotiated victory.

The grass may be greener elsewhere, but for many it does not end up that way. Focus on opportunities to improve the passion in your relationship, not on seeking it in some magical aura elsewhere.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 06:47 AM   #4
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Is this the end of my Marriage?

Salina gave you some great insight and she has been married for a long time.

All I can add is, NO.....this is not the end of your marriage...
You have been with your wife for a total of 19 years!
You have known each other thru..many phases of your life, puberty, teenage, highschool years, college if you went, finding your way thru your twenties...WOW! now your in your thirties, together with this woman.

Think of ALL the wonderful years you two have been together and what you have gone through. People would kill for this type of relationship.

Your thoughts could be that you have been with this woman for so long you both are so comfortable with each other, you probably can read each other's mind or finish each others sentence...Do you trust her with your life? Does she trust you w/her life? You going into a new phase of your life..YES, your 30's do that to anyone...After the twenties while creating your life for your thirties you question if this is all life is about....Your marriage is comfortable or has gotten stale..That does happen but you can spend your sleepless nights now figuring out w/your wife on bringing back those sparks....
Take a trip, go down memory lane of the two of you and what you have done in 19yrs together..You may find you will appreicate what you already have and there are so many years ahead of you to do more together...

 
Old 05-17-2004, 07:39 AM   #5
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promisez HB User
Re: Is this the end of my Marriage?

People change, always do. It's how we deal with that change that matters. We can either sit back and say "Thats nice" or we can say "screw this, lets grab a motel" Take her for a ride on a steamtrain if she likes trains and then dinner, go to disneyworld, try pairs parasailing and let the kids take the pics of the parents acting "weird". You were willing to fight for her love, now show her you are willing to fight to keep it.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 08:52 AM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Is this the end of my Marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by youngm

Is this a normal turn of events for people who have been together for SO long?
From these boards I have notice that people lose dome interest after somtime but you have to find some ways to get the spark going again. Have you tried going to a bed & breakfast for a weekend, a vacation or somthing cheaper like making a candle light supper after work for her? There are many thing you can do to start the romance back up. There are some great idea out on the net.


Quote:
Originally Posted by youngm
Is it possible to love someone passionately with all your heart....... forever?
Yes

Quote:
Originally Posted by youngm
Has it come to the point where our Souls have travelled as far as we can as partners and now it's time to go our own separate ways?
Your souls have not traveled that far but they just need to be pulled back in. If you feel that there is not way to save it then maybe you are right but there are many ways to get that spark going again. You just need to find the right to stick to rub together.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 09:16 AM   #7
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JLKH HB User
Re: Is this the end of my Marriage?

Oh my god NO this is NOT the end of your marriage. Or at least it does not have to be.

My husband and I sound just like you and your wife. Known each other forever, been together forever. I was his first in every way and he was mine in most every way. We also have one daughter.

We too have gone through spells like this (although admittedly not as bad as yours seems). We've gone through spells when we just didn't feel that "spark" but still very much loved each other. But we've always gotten it back.

It's like this. You love your wife and she loves you. You two have shared SOOO much together. You're probably best friends and know each other so well you finish each others thoughts or sentences. At some point this is bound to make you feel like there is nothing new to experience with each other. But this isn't true. Fact is you are just going through a growing phase in your relationship. You're parents now, probably have careers and responsibilities you didn't have when you were 15. You're feelig that "where is my life going" thing tugging at you.

But the worst thing you could do right now to break the monotany is seperate. You need to get some councelling and you two need to talk and rediscover each other and husband and wife and lovers and friends and not just housemates, parents, and breadwinners. Councelling and maybe some Marriage Encounter groups could help you in this. But the first step is bringing it out in the open.

I think that if you two split up you will find that very quickly you will be missing each other and the life you had and be regretting your time apart. And chances are if you do split up things will be said that will make it impossible to get back together and you will have ruined the best thing in you two's lives.

Marriage is about good times and bad. Yes you both deserve to be loved and cared for. But who else in the world could love you like the woman who knows you best? And who could ever love her as much as you can.

Anyway, that's my thoughts on it for what it's worth. Counceling, talking, and marriage encounter groups. Basicly try everything before giving up. You owe it to each other and your kids.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 06:11 PM   #8
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youngm HB User
Re: Is this the end of my Marriage?

WOW! I am absolutely blown away by ALL of your comments and advice. I'm truely touched by what each and every one of you have expressed above. It literally brought tears to my eyes and I thank-you ALL so much for putting things into perspective for me.

I agree, my wife and I have to be open about the way we are feeling towards the marriage and that'll be the first step towards healing/mending this.

Don't get me wrong, my wife and I have a great time together. We are extremely compatible, both in and out of the bedroom. We occassionally go out to nightclubs together (yup, STILL) and have an absolute ball of a time together. She loves the attention she gets from other guys when they crack onto her and, well, I can't deny I like the attention I get from the opposite sex also.

I really don't understand completely what's brought all of this on. We are having a few difficulties with extended family and friends, so maybe this is all contributing in some way

 
Old 05-17-2004, 10:31 PM   #9
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tpopescu HB User
Re: Is this the end of my Marriage?

Hi Youngm, my husband and I have been together since we were 15 and all we have known is each other also. Weíve been together over 10 years now, still waiting to have kids though, but I can definitely relate. The first couple of years were very passionate and even though itís not like that to that extent b/c we are so comfortable with each other we deeply love and care about each other. I think for most people after being with someone for so long that is just how it is. We both have talked about it and both feel that way. Most of our friends have been divorced and dating and we are so happy that we donít have to deal with all that drama. After theyíve been with the next person for a couple of years they realize itís the same and realize the mutual respect and love (in most of the relationships anyway, of course some had really bad relationships and donít look back) they had in the first relationship was worth keeping after all. My husband and I are best friends and even though that doesnít sound very romantic it really is to us. We have so much fun together and joke about how we will be changing each otherís diapers in 50 years. lol Every once in a while things do seem kind of stale and heíll end up being late coming home or something like that and Iíll start thinking he was in a car accident or something horrible and I just realize how much I still love him and wouldnít want my life any other way. I couldnít imagine my life without him. A friend of mine was with her husband since high school and he left one day for work when they were 25 and was killed in an accident so even though I worry about that and it will most likely never happen to me you never know what life might throw your way sometimes. I hope you really really take this slow and think things through b/c it really seems like you guys have a really good relationship worth keeping. All relationships need a little work. I think the bed and breakfast idea or a vacation is a nice start and maybe counseling to gain some perspective. Sorry if Iíve rambled on and really didnít make some good points; I just really wanted to give you a point of view from someone whoís been in a similar situation. I truly wish you guys the best.

 
Old 05-18-2004, 12:30 AM   #10
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youngm HB User
Re: Is this the end of my Marriage?

Thank-you tpopescu for sharing your experiences and perspective on this. Everything you guys have said above has helped me to open my eyes more and try even harder.

I agree, what we do have is very special and I know there are countless people out there who wish to have what we have.

My battle is to try my darn hardest to hold onto it and nurture it to the best of my ability.

Thanks again

 
Old 05-18-2004, 06:33 AM   #11
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Is this the end of my Marriage?

Just another thought... That if you take a look at your wedding vows they don't seem to mention "Passion" in there at all! Just a lot of stuff that sounds like it may or may not be hard work once in a while!!!!

 
Old 05-18-2004, 06:53 AM   #12
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Is this the end of my Marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by youngm

I really don't understand completely what's brought all of this on. We are having a few difficulties with extended family and friends, so maybe this is all contributing in some way

These thing can just creep up on you without and visable signs. You are smart to realize what is happening and you are willing to seek help instead of just ending it.

Don't be afraid if you are having thoughts that its over because deep down you know that its not over. You both just need to open up and communicate your feeling and do somthing special for eachother every once in a while.

You seem to still be pretty happy with things and her even though you had this for a question. If you are happy then stay and make it work.

 
Old 05-18-2004, 09:58 AM   #13
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JLKH HB User
Re: Is this the end of my Marriage?

youngm, you and your wife are obviously great friends. DON'T loose this person.

Family, work, kids, bills, money, sex.... all this stuff we deal with day in and day out affects us and our relationships. People tend to forget that while marriage is about love and friendship and all that it is also a business agreement. Which means you have to deal with all the not so fun aspects of life together. After awhile these things can seem to take over and be the focus of the marriage. This is no one's fault it's just part of life. All you need to do is recognize that this might be what is happening and try and refocus your marriage on the love and friendship part of it.

That doesn't mean you stop making the morgage payment and let the kids go unfed. It just means you take the time to look at your spouse as the person you married every day. Simple things like stopping in the middle of washing dishes and going over and planting a big passion kiss on her for no reason. Pattying her on the butt when she's off to take the kids to school. Just these little gestures go a long way for both of you.

Yes you also need to talk about things too. Leaving this in the dark will only make things worse. You might end up having a fight about it but that's okay! Fighting is important to any relationship. It releases tension and gets things out in the open. Just never EVER end a day on a fight... always make up even if it takes you all night to get there.

I think I'm rambling now. Anyway, yes your family problems could be adding to this. And yes you both liking attention from the opposite sex is fine as long as you aren't going home at night with anyone but each other. Talk to each other and refocus your attention. If this doesn't work then seek councelling. But don't give up on your marriage yet! I think you'd really regret it.

 
Old 05-18-2004, 10:24 AM   #14
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Jenetti HB User
Re: Is this the end of my Marriage?

Oh no, doesnt mean at all your marriage is over. I married my hubby on his 18th birthday. He was my first and has been my only lover. This year we will be married 31 yrs. We have a son who will be 28 this year.
My health has not been the best in a very very long time. By looking at me you wouldnt guess it tho. Im healthy looking, 5'3 weigh a little over 125 lbs and still look quite young for turning 50 in two months.
We have been thru good times and extremely hard times. Passionate times and dry times. But we made a committment on our wedding day and we still abide by it. Trust me when i say, theres alot more to life than just feeling passion in a marriage. It will come back, its like the seasons hon. Trust, respect, love , admiration, honesty, friendship, are true signs of a good marriage. There have been times we have sex as often as 4 - 5 times a week (yes still lol )and times we have gone without sex for up to 6 weeks due to health reasons. We take each day on its own. Depending on what life is dishing out at the time.
He brings me flowers still and takes me to nice dinners, but he also held my hand as i was going into surgery last week and kissed me and told me he loved me and made me feel safe. He has given me nice expensive jewelry and wonderful trips, but he has also held my head up as i was puking all over him last week after surgery and still told me i looked beautiful. I know i didnt, lol but he made me feel like i did. He helped me walk down the halls and held up my foley as i pushed the IV machine. That is true love. Was there passion anytime during this last month? No, but i have felt his love thru it all. GOOD times and BAD times. Committment, trust, love, respect and honesty. That has helped us stay together. He is my best friend and i want no other. Dont give up. There is alot more to marriage than just passion. When i get to feeling better, then we'll have time for passion .
This might just be your dry spell, but trust me, the rain will soon come. Expect it to, know that it will and also know that there will be other dry times as well. Expect that too and know it shall too pass. Life has too many pressures to give up so quickly something that is beautiful as a family. You need each other. Make it a point to "show"her some passion. People get so used to not showing it, that eventually it becomes part of their everyday normal living.
Like others said, remember what brought you two together. Remember the good times and good qualities, im sure it was not just lust. You both have good qualities and people do change as time goes by. We all do. But you made a committment, dont run out on it before you get to that special place where after so many years, you find out that love still has room and time to grow even more than what you thought you felt.
Good wishes your way.
Jen

Last edited by Jenetti; 05-18-2004 at 10:26 AM.

 
Old 05-18-2004, 10:29 AM   #15
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Re: Is this the end of my Marriage?

That is such a beautiful and touching post, Jen. Hope feel better soon

 
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