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Old 05-17-2004, 10:38 AM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 76
kjlm1971 HB User
In laws

I am the mother of a 13yo girl and 10yo boy. My husbands parents have let us down sooo many times, from not disclosing that we were paying for the grandparents part of a houseboat trip (we all split the cost except for the grandparents, so we all covered their cost, just we didn't know until after the trip was over and then I found out from my sister in law and my husband knew nothing of it.) Not to mention missed (kids) birthdays, to offering to help with projects and then not showing up, to not calling when I was in the hospital for 4 days and then not calling for over a week after I got home. Oh and lets not forget about calling us 7:30 night before and inviting us to the circus (which I did not want to go to but thought it would increase the gap between us if we said no) and getting there and waiting for them at the gate for 20 minutes before finally deciding to leave. And the lists of disappointments go on and on.

What makes this whole situation suck so much is that my kids feel that we are the black sheep of the family and have stated that to us. I tell them that it is not their fault, and that it's too bad that their grandparents don't have enough room in their hearts to love us the way they do the rest of the family and they are the ones who are missing out on knowing and having a relationship with 2 great kids.

It breaks my heart to see them feel this way.

This sucks because I feel like my husband should deal with this but obviously isn't getting the point across (or maybe he is and it just does not matter to them!) I don't want to be the B^%H but they are making me so mad!

Any suggestions?

 
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Old 05-17-2004, 11:43 AM   #2
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Polaris HB User
Re: In laws

kjlm1971,

It is their loss, not having their grandchildren in their lives. Sometimes, albeit a hard thing to do, we have to cut ties from people we love. You have to ask yourself, does the relationship with my in-laws do more harm than good?

Even though you explained it to your children, it is still hard for them to understand. IMHO, it is better not to have a relationship with someone, rather than have a bad relationship.

Has your husband even tried talking to his parents about this situation? If so, what was their response?

Good luck!
P
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Old 05-17-2004, 12:25 PM   #3
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Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: In laws

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polaris
kjlm1971,

It is their loss, not having their grandchildren in their lives. Sometimes, albeit a hard thing to do, we have to cut ties from people we love. You have to ask yourself, does the relationship with my in-laws do more harm than good?

Even though you explained it to your children, it is still hard for them to understand. IMHO, it is better not to have a relationship with someone, rather than have a bad relationship.

Has your husband even tried talking to his parents about this situation? If so, what was their response?

Good luck!
P
Polaris is right with this....it is there loss. These are your children and not theirs. If they want to see them then you all have to get along.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 12:26 PM   #4
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SophiaM HB User
Re: In laws

That is bizarre. Why do they have a good relationship with other members of the family but exclude your kids? Do they have any reason for it, however irrational? They sound like total flakes. You cannot allow them to continue this behavior. Next time they invite you and the kids somewhere and don't show up, stand up for yourself. Tell them if they can't keep their word, you'd be forced not to socialize with them and tell them how it's affecting the kids.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 02:10 PM   #5
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Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,589
GirlHarley HB User
Re: In laws

They are selfish people, you can not control how they are but you can control your own envirement and how you choose to raise your children.

I would make one attempt and that be let them know if a promise is made to their grandchildren they are to keep the promise as that is what you are teaching your children. If they can't keep a promise or commitment then don't make one. Period.

Are your parents involved with your children? If they are then remind your children they have another set of grandparents who love and adore them.

You do not need to speak negative of the selfish/absentminded grandparents to your children, just let the kids know their grandparents have a life of their own and are forgetful at times. I would limit the invitations or get togethers as you do not benifit anything from it since they disregard them anyways.

Accept what you can not change and change what you can. Why would it bother you that they did not see you or call you while you were ill? They are not your parents, they are your inlaws and have shown no repect or love towards you as you said in your post how they continue to disappoitment you. You will no longer be disappoited if you accept this is how they are.

Have a Party and don't invite them and see what happens....

 
Old 05-17-2004, 06:43 PM   #6
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 76
kjlm1971 HB User
Re: In laws

Polaris- My husband has talked to them before on different occasions, he has expressed concern, frustration, etc. by having a very serious conversation and also by joking with them. In fact tonight he had a serious conversation with his mother about how disappointed our daughter was last night when they couldn't make it to her birthday party (may I add we changed the time of the party so it would be easier for them). Because of the past attempts to make our feelings clear I have high doubts that much will change. My heart hopes for the kids sake but my head says get over it.

GirlHarley- When we mention Grandma or Grandpa our kids assume we are talking about my parents, they are much closer (even though my parents live 3,000 miles away.) Says a lot doesn't it! As for me thinking they should care at all- now I know better, I knew better before but now there is no guessing. In fact three months after I was in the hospital I had surgery and didn't even bother to tell them about it at all, they still don't know. I know that their actions have relived me of any obligation to them that's for sure!

 
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