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Old 05-18-2004, 04:19 AM   #1
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AlwyzSick HB User
should i trust him?

Ok so my boyfriend of 2 years had a little trouble telling white lies at the beginning of our relationship. So i have had a little trouble trusting him completely. Anyway..about a year and a half ago he quit smoking cuz i absolutely found it digusting but i loved him so i was with him anyway..and he said he wanted to stop for himself also and not just for me so i was sooo happy. But then like 6 months later he started coming home smelling like smoke and he said that it was because of his friends and then after i had confronted him about that he started going straight to the bathroom and showering before he would come to bed then i found a pack of cigarettes in his jacket and he said his friend borrowed his jacket and must of left his cigarettes in there and then I found some hidden in his glove compartment (i wasn't snooping i was looking for my cd) anyway when i confronted him about those he got really angry with me and then stormed out and then he came back and told me he was hiding it for his friend and thats y he couldnt tell me about it. I let it go but told him if i every caught him smoking or found out he was lying to me we were over...he gets soo angry when i ask him about it but i honestly don't feel like he is telling me the truth? what do i do? do i trust him? pushing the issue just doesn't seem to work...HELP

 
Old 05-18-2004, 06:10 AM   #2
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: should i trust him?

It would seem very difficult to hide smokers breath. If his breath always smells minty fresh, and it didn't before, he might be covering it up. If you never smell it on his breath, he may be telling the truth.

 
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Old 05-18-2004, 06:50 AM   #3
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: should i trust him?

I think it doesn't matter whether he's lying or not at this point. It's pretty obvious he's a smoker who is having a hard time kicking the addiction.
Can you deal being with a smoker who may or may not be able to quit?
If not, you need to move on.
He could quit today, marry you, and then pick up the habit 5 yrs from now.
You get to choose if you accept him without badgering him, or look for someone else who shares your views on healthful living...

(P.S. I smoked for 17 years - and quit, for good, one year AFTER I got married)

 
Old 05-18-2004, 07:23 AM   #4
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Re: should i trust him?

You told him that if you ever caught him smoking you guys were over? Well, if hes smoking then no wonder he would lie to you about it. How do you expect your boyfriend to be honest to you when you are threatening to leave him? Smoking is an addiction. He did quit for awhile, maybe he fell back into the old habit. He may already feel mad at himself for starting back, disappointed, feeling like a failure, etc. The last thing he would need is for his girlfriend to be unsupportive. I'm not saying to tolerate lies. Honesty is very important to me in a relationship also. However, look at why he might feel like he has to lie. This man needs a partner, not a mother. One thing I learned dating several guys in my teens/twenties is that you cannot change a man, you have to accept who he is. The worst thing you can do is threaten to leave if behaviors don't change, because he will then only hide the behaviors. I'm not saying you should be with a smoker. I'm only asking you to look at why he might lie to you. If you were supportive and understanding about the smoking situation he may feel as though he can talk to you about it. I quit smoking 11 months ago when my boyfriend asked me to quit. It was the best decision I ever made. I had some relapses and if I knew that I could not have gone to him, I would have hid it too. He was supportive, and that support is how I quit. He was my friend through it all. You can either beleive him or not. I would not tolerate a lier, but sometimes we almost force our partners to lie. Make it easier for him to approach you, don't fly off the handle it it will be amazing how much closer and how much you will REALLY get to know him.

Didn't mean to sound harsh, just giving you my opinion. Good luck

 
Old 05-18-2004, 07:35 AM   #5
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Re: should i trust him?

As an ex. smoker it is very hard to quite and I did the same thing. At first my mom found my pack of cigs and told me to quite or I am out of the house. For a few year after that I was hiding it from her. I then met my GF and she wanted me to quite. It was hard but I did it.

If he is around smoke all the time then it can be hard to quite. I am sure he wants to quite with positive people like you around but if he has friends that go out for smoke breaks it hard because he'll go with them. He needs people around him that won't encourage him to do this.

Try talking to him and then his friends so they can help him out. Smoking is gross but a habit that needs to be overcome.

 
Old 05-18-2004, 10:55 AM   #6
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Re: should i trust him?

Thank you guys for all your advice and congrats on quitting!

The only reason I said I would leave him was not because he was smoking and I told him that. If I said that wrong then my apologies, but rather I said that if I found out that he was lying to me about smoking then it was over and this was only after giving him many times to come clean with me. When he would come home smelling like smoke (his breath was minty fresh yes) I would ask him if he had smoked and he would get very mad and freak out on me. As much as I don't like smoking I wouldn't mind if he didn't do it around me I just want him to be honest with me. How do I bring this up with out him flipping out on me again??
Thanks for all the input!

 
Old 05-18-2004, 11:18 AM   #7
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: should i trust him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwyzSick
How do I bring this up with out him flipping out on me again??
Thanks for all the input!
If you really want to start over with this guy and you also want things to get better, you will need to reposition your needs. Based on what you just wrote, you would need to make it clear to him it is not about not smoking, it is about lying. You can tell him you remain disappointed that he smokes but that if he s respectful of you regarding where and when he does it, you can live with it, but that you cannot live with lies about it.

Having said that, you may have also learned a lesson in this. Ultimatums have the consistency of jello once a single one of them falls through. Reconsider what you say you will or won't live with before you express. Since he does appear to be lying, if you stay with him, your "deal breaker" will have turned out to be not a deal breaker. Each unfulfilled “deal breaker” takes on an odd similarity to each liars unsuccessful chance at repentance.

 
Old 05-18-2004, 11:27 AM   #8
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Re: should i trust him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwyzSick
Thank you guys for all your advice and congrats on quitting!

The only reason I said I would leave him was not because he was smoking and I told him that. If I said that wrong then my apologies, but rather I said that if I found out that he was lying to me about smoking then it was over and this was only after giving him many times to come clean with me. When he would come home smelling like smoke (his breath was minty fresh yes) I would ask him if he had smoked and he would get very mad and freak out on me. As much as I don't like smoking I wouldn't mind if he didn't do it around me I just want him to be honest with me. How do I bring this up with out him flipping out on me again??
Thanks for all the input!
Like I stated before smoking is very difficult and I completely understand both sides. I was lying about it because not only was it hard but everyone around me was doing it and woring in the bars was even harder.

Its not right that he didn't came clean about it but he was probably not ready to quick. I know you don't like him smoking but now is the time that you tell him that. Just let him know you don't want it around you but at the same time you are willing to help him quite. Also talk to his friends and hopefully they can be a positive influence with that.

 
Old 05-18-2004, 11:41 AM   #9
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Re: should i trust him?

I think you should tell him exactly what you are telling us here. Give it a couple of days to blow over. Then on a good day when he is in a good mood let him know you need to talk to him. Tell him that you love him and you are not leaving him if he smokes, etc. Explain to him that honesty is very important and ask him for an honest answer. Tell him you don't feel right even questioning him, however his behaviors are telling otherwise so you feel you have to ask. Hopefully he will remain calm and not get angry and give you an honest answer and you'll have to accept what he says. If he blows up, you have to question if you can be in a relationship with someone who you can't even talk to. He maybe blowing up because hes lying, or maybe because he is honest and you're questioning him. Either way, tell him what you told us and hopefully things will turn out for the best. Good luck

 
Old 05-20-2004, 10:28 AM   #10
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Re: should i trust him?

If you continue to badger him about his smoking, he will only want to smoke more! I used to sneak around an old boyfriend and always felt rotten, but my addiction was stronger than that feeling!! You need to back off and try to encourage him POSITIVELy to quit and not use threats. He will quit when he is ready to quit. Also, if he quits just for you, he will likely start back up. He needs to want to quit for himself in order to be successful.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 10:39 AM   #11
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Re: should i trust him?

awww, i know how you feel...after my hubby graduated basic, we were apart for another month before i could move down there...i was so proud of him for quitting and he was really supportive of me for trying to quit...anyhow, when i moved there i still hadn't quit and he started up again...made me feel so miserable cause i felt like it was my fault he started back up...then later on i found out that he had started back up before i got there and just didn't tell me cause he knew i was trying to quit...

this summer, we've set the date for july first, we are both going to work together and quit...we both have tried to stop cold turkey, but we haven't succeeded so right now we are cutting back...

but back to the original subject, i think you need to be supportive in a positive way to him...he was hiding it because he knew you would get angry...
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Old 05-20-2004, 04:44 PM   #12
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Re: should i trust him?

I am big on the trust thing myself. If there's no trust, there's no relationship. However, he could have just been scared about you being mad he was smoking. Has he lied to you about anything else? It sounds like you guys need to talk about this. If I were you, I'd let him know that you're very understanding and that you want him to come to you w/ any problems, etc. he has - that you don't want him to lie to you. Tell him how important truth is in your relationship. But definately let him know that he doesnt need to be scared about having trouble with things, especially things that are difficult like quitting smoking. Let him know that you're there to help him or support him. Be positive and supportive about the situation, but if truth truly is a big deal for you, then lay the smack down and tell him that you if he ever lies to you again, it's over. Of course, some people can deal w/ people lieing over small issues. You need to decide how strictly you want to follow the truth thing. Decide for yourself what's acceptable and what's not, but whatever you decide, you gotta stick to it.
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Old 05-20-2004, 05:20 PM   #13
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Re: should i trust him?

Thank you everyone for all your help!!! I just sat down and had a LONG talk with him. I told him that I was sorry for making it hard for him to come to me and talk to me about things and I told him that all I really wanted was to be able to talk to eachother about anything and everything. He confessed to smoking and said that he really wanted to quit but he needed my support and since I already thought he quit he couldn't stop. So he is going to try and I am going to do everything I can to help him. Thanks guys for all ur help!!

 
Old 05-21-2004, 11:02 AM   #14
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Re: should i trust him?

Thats awesome. Communication is key, as you figured out. There is a smoking board on here too. Have him check it out, it may help. Also, when I quit I didn't hang out with any of my friends who smoked for about 3 months. It was too tempting and I felt my overall health was more important than hanging with smoking friends. They understood and are still my friends today and still smoke, and I don't. Quitting is a hard thing to do. You have to realize they he may not ever quit and you have to figure out if this is okay for you. Good luck to you and congrats for working things out with him.

 
Old 05-21-2004, 12:08 PM   #15
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Re: should i trust him?

yay, i'm glad he told you...now you can work forward together...
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