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Old 05-18-2004, 12:44 PM   #1
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blueangel26 HB User
Question Too young?

I am a young wife(20). We have been married for 2 years. I am away from all family and am not living the life I want to live. I do love him but am tired of always making the best of situations. I am now seeing a therapist for me but, it seems no matter what everything has to be done for him. I no longer know what to do with myself and this marriage. Many people say it's the age but, it's more than that. I feel guilty because, I think I'm regretting my choice I made at age 18. I am also feeling stuck and like he dosn't care or notice things are wrong. I have been thinking about a seperation to see if I really want to leave. I want to go back to my family and try again at being a young women in the real world not someone's young wife being supported by them. I don't know what else to do if anyone has ideas or advice I would love to hear them. Thank you.

 
Old 05-18-2004, 12:50 PM   #2
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Too young?

What specific problems do you have in your marriage, other than the fact that you probably never had the chance to "find yourself" yet? How old is your husband? Why are you away from your family? Does he not agree to you working? How about college? Sorry for so many questions but I think we need a bit more info.

 
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Old 05-18-2004, 12:57 PM   #3
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Too young?

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueangel26
I want to go back to my family and try again at being a young women in the real world not someone's young wife being supported by them. I don't know what else to do if anyone has ideas or advice I would love to hear them. Thank you.
I don't as a rule recommend married people do this, but if you feel now as though you missed out on something, I think it is certain you will feel even more like it 10 years from now. And by then you may have at least one child and a lot deeper set of issues to deal with if you decide you then have to find what you missed out on.

I suggest a separation, not a divorce, so that you can try to resolve this "feeling" now instead of causing great havoc on your family years down the road. Upsetting you husband and young marriage now, however difficult and painful, is nothing compared wit what it would do if you delay this need you say you have.

 
Old 05-18-2004, 01:11 PM   #4
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Re: Too young?

The problems are a vast amount. He never seems to take my opinion or feelings into account. There are alot of times that if he would of we could be avoiding many finicial problems or trust issues. He is alos young (21). He has a great job(military) he loves it. But, because of that I am away from family and will never be able to have the career I really want. I have given up soo much for him. I guess I expected for him to make more compromises for me. I do attend college but, like above it's not where I really want to be getting my education from or the degree I want. And further more I think about seperation alot now, but I don't want to prove everyone right either, about us being to young. Because, the age isn't the problem it's him as a person. I think? He hasn't always been like this but, people change don't they?

 
Old 05-18-2004, 01:21 PM   #5
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Re: Too young?

Sorry to hear you are having problems. Have you expressed your concerns to your husband? Maybe he is feeling the same way. You mentioned you are in counseling, maybe the two of you should be in couples counseling? Do you think you would get more out of life being on your own or with him as a married couple? Don't stay in the marriage because you are afraid to prove everyone right that disagreed with you getting so married so young in the first place. This is your life. These are you decisions. I strongly recommend you get marriage counseling before calling it quits. I wish you the best.

 
Old 05-18-2004, 01:25 PM   #6
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Re: Too young?

You did get married young and that you are 20 you are handling family issues well friends are out having fun at the nearest club. Being married shouldn't stop you from doing things you love as long as the trust factor it built up. Though this really isn't the case though since you are 20.

Your mind is toggled on what to do and you have tooken all the right steps like seeing a counselor. In marriage/relationships there are always going to be problems that arise but maybe you are just to young and all this pressure is getting to you.

I agree with ~salinas~ by trying a seperation first so that you can decide on what you want.

Last edited by eightball61; 05-18-2004 at 01:26 PM.

 
Old 05-18-2004, 02:16 PM   #7
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Too young?

Blueangel -
Aside from getting married young - you are living in the real world.
What could be troubling for you is that you are so far from home, your family and your friends. That is lonely in it self. Since you are not working can you go visit with your family and friends for a month? This will give you an insight to where you would like to live or be in your life. If your lonely and miss your family and friends you will hold resentment towards your husband and everything in your life you will blame him for your unhappeniness.

If your husband is dismissing your feelings or opinons then a break from him and a visit back home will do you wonders and clear your mind on where you want your marriage to head.

Good Luck and take care.

 
Old 05-19-2004, 10:54 AM   #8
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maak823 HB User
Re: Too young?

Two Words for you; "GO HOME"
I don't mean to be negative here, and I am not knocking the other posters for thier support of a "seperation only" but just let me tell you this. I did this-I married a guy in the Military at 18- we were young, and caught up in the moment of how perfect it would be and the romance of it all yada yada yada-
Let me tell you- you are not alone. How many of the couples on your base are having affairs? (For those of you who are not military- this is a rampant problem at nearly every base in the world.) I should have gone home, I was too proud to admit that I was wrong to my family and friends, so I stuck it out- being miserable at every base, you can't make good friends because they are always leaving, you can't get used to one city, because you will eventually leave it too. Also- it is no life to involve children in- every one of the military kids that I knew were miserable, they hated moving, they hated coming, etc etc. I know exactly how you feel- he is caught up in his work- they are on duty, or on missions gone for days or weeks (depending on what branch of the service) etc. You are alone and they don't understand that because they have all thier buddies and you are stuck in a "peyton place" of a housing area- left to comiserate with all of the other bored and lonley military wives.

Go home- if its true love, he'll miss you and get out to continue a career in the civilian world- don't seperate yourself from your family. You need thier support, live with them, get your education, and dont misss out on the opportunities that you have being a young and intelligent young woman. If you don't leave - you will never know and you will regret it in 10 years and have a great longing for what you missed out on- you can never gain those years back.

Best of Luck to you!!!!!!!

-M


Quote:
Originally Posted by blueangel26
The problems are a vast amount. He never seems to take my opinion or feelings into account. There are alot of times that if he would of we could be avoiding many finicial problems or trust issues. He is alos young (21). He has a great job(military) he loves it. But, because of that I am away from family and will never be able to have the career I really want. I have given up soo much for him. I guess I expected for him to make more compromises for me. I do attend college but, like above it's not where I really want to be getting my education from or the degree I want. And further more I think about seperation alot now, but I don't want to prove everyone right either, about us being to young. Because, the age isn't the problem it's him as a person. I think? He hasn't always been like this but, people change don't they?

 
Old 05-19-2004, 11:02 AM   #9
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Re: Too young?

hey, i just had to add on to this...i'm nearly 24 and hubby is 22 and we are military as well...i know how you feel...i'm across the country from my family and friends...and i'll never have my own career...

is your hubby going career in the military...my hubby is thinking about it but he asked for my input first...doesn't want me to have a life of unhappiness to go thru...

and to the last poster who mentioned people cheating non stop on every base...that is so NOT what i need to hear right now......our base even has a saying "sharing husbands and wives" and i hate it...i hate how much cheating is involved in the military...but there is nothing the military can do about it...

anywho, the reason i asked if he was going career is because once he gets out then you can lay down some roots somewhere...i don't mind if my hubby stays in...i hurt that we can't pay the bills and i can't have a career, but i think of the future...once he goes up enough in rank i can stay home forever and that's what i truly want...and my hubby is so happy with what he's doing....

i'm sorry to babble so much but i honestly know what you are going thru...if you decide to go to councelling, remember it's free since you are military...big hug to you...if you were at the same base as me, i'd hang out with ya
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Old 05-19-2004, 11:15 AM   #10
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maak823 HB User
Re: Too young?

Dear Excalibur,

My heart goes out to both you and to Blueangel. Military life is hard, its full of ups and downs. I wish I could send both of you a huge hug.

I know what you mean about the "sharing" too- Yes, that goes on as well. Its horrible. Our guys used to go on "manuevers" for 2 weeks at a time, of course there are always others who do not go- and sure enough- the women would crawl out of the woodwork- at the clubs, hanging out at the barracks, anywhere they could to find another man to satisfy them- and there are more than enough around to oblige. It works the other way to- I can't count how many times I was approached by both single AND married soldiers who KNEW my husband!!! Its disgusting.

Its a major decision to figure out if you want to stay 20 years in the military life. I would suggest that it be a decision you come to "together". Its not an easy road, especially when you know you will have children. Now there are many families that have made it work- but it takes great effort on all parties involved to do so, and even then the kids get irritated when they have to leave thier school every 3 years because Dad gets transferred. GOD FORBID you get sent to Europe with a child in High School- if you are not on a major post- they send them to a boarding school and you only see them on the weekends- in a country where drinking is legal at 14 and they can get into the clubs at 16. Having a teenager in Europe is NOT a good thing- I have seen many of them end up with alcohol problems and having sex with single soldiers while under 18 years old.


I really wish you all the best- and I really hate to be so negative with the military life- but it is not easy and unfortunately, most of our soldiers who have families to support barely make enough to keep food on their tables, it's so sad. They defend our country- yet we can't give them enough money to support their own families.

Good Luck to you both

 
Old 05-19-2004, 12:12 PM   #11
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trystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB User
Re: Too young?

Please do not give up your own life for his because you will end up with neither.

 
Old 05-19-2004, 12:44 PM   #12
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excaliburgrl HB User
Re: Too young?

yes, tryst me you are right...i know so many wives that live in their husband's shadows...and you'll never be happy living somebody else's life...it is hard achieving your own goals as the spouse of a military member, but it can be done...just takes more time and is a little bit more difficult...the only thing i can really suggest is don't give up your dreams...

and i know how difficult it is when you have kids in the military...it's not so bad when they are younger, but when they get older there is more stress to deal with...i'm sure they can't be happy moving around a lot...my own parents both got out when my brother and i were still young...

and the money is miserable...we arent even getting by ourselves...
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Old 05-19-2004, 12:49 PM   #13
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blueangel26 HB User
Re: Too young?

I thank everyone for your advice and stories. We are going back home this summer and in the next couple of weeks I may tell him I'm going to stay behind with my family for a while, for myself. I already talked to my parents and they understand and are willing to help me through this. Actually, I already have a place, job, and school to attend. It's just a matter of guts now. I am waiting to speak to my therapist to make a final decision though. And I am aware of these military ways on bases, it's a sad thing what people do to others. Thank you again.

 
Old 05-19-2004, 12:55 PM   #14
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maak823 HB User
Re: Too young?

Good for you- you have made up your mind, you just lack the courage. You will find that when you are home and have the support system available to you that you are lacking while away.

May God Bless you and your situation!!



Quote:
Originally Posted by blueangel26
I thank everyone for your advice and stories. We are going back home this summer and in the next couple of weeks I may tell him I'm going to stay behind with my family for a while, for myself. I already talked to my parents and they understand and are willing to help me through this. Actually, I already have a place, job, and school to attend. It's just a matter of guts now. I am waiting to speak to my therapist to make a final decision though. And I am aware of these military ways on bases, it's a sad thing what people do to others. Thank you again.

 
Old 05-19-2004, 01:01 PM   #15
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Too young?

Maybe it's a bit off topic, but why is it so bad for teenagers to grow up in Europe? Are you saying it specifically about millitary kids in Europe? Because otherwise, I think it's much safer to be a teenager in Europe. For once, I've never heard of any school shootings there, and no, the legal drinking age isn't 14, it's 18. Just wanted to straighten things out a bit.

 
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