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Old 05-20-2004, 08:43 AM   #1
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JT59 HB User
Question What do I do? Ex coming to town staying next door.

Hi, My first post here.

I have been married for less than one year. My problem is with my husband's ex wife.

She left him in March 2001. She moved to another state over 100 miles away. I met him in July 2001. We hit it off and moved in with him in late 2002. His ex would call him at the house and he would talk to her. We had a discussion about it where I expressed that I was hurt by her phone calls. He finally told her to lay off and stop calling but she stopped calling the house and began calling him at work. He stopped the phone calls at work ( to my knowledge ) and so she began calling his mothers house.

They were married 14 yrs. His mother lives next door to us.

Now, were married almost a year and when his mother gets a phone call from the ex, she tells my husband. He doesn't always tell me about it because he knows it still upsets me.

Yesterday, my mother in law called me to tell me that the ex had called. She also informed me that she invited the woman to stay with her Memorial Day weekend while she came to town to visit her former friends and his family.

She has no family in this area. She was living here while she was married to my husband. Shes flying from her home to another state to pick up a friend and drive 8 more hours to my town.

I am suspicious as well as jealous by nature. I don't trust her motives and distrust my mother in law even more. My mother in law knows my feelings regarding the Ex but still felt the need to invite her to stay with them. We live next door. What was she thinking??

Her excuse for calling me was to 'let me know her motives' for letting the Ex stay with her. "She was a part of this family for 14 yrs. I cant tell her to stay in a motel. But I want you to be reassured that we wont let her invade on you and my son."

Can anyone say "What a load?"

My question for you readers is; What would you suggest I do in this situation?

Leaving town on that weekend is not an option either. I mentioned it to my husband and we have decided it would be impossible to make other plans.

Speaking of my husband, he doesn't know what to do either. He is angry with his mother and I suspect it's because she is being deliberate with her actions just to see the drama.

Okay, I'm turning this over to you now, great folks of this board. Help me out!

Thanks!

 
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Old 05-20-2004, 09:49 AM   #2
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Re: What do I do? Ex coming to town staying next door.

I have to say I would not be happy in this situation either. But it seems there's not much you can do. YOu can't control your mother-in-law. It's her house and if she decided your husband's ex wife can stay there during her visit, well, you cannot really do anything about it. Be glad you have the support of your husband. I guess the best thing would be to try to stay calm and go about your life, as if nothing was different. It's just one weekend. Just treat it as any other weekend, go out with your husband and children, maybe invite some friends over for dinner or a barbecue. Don't pay any attention to the ex. That;s really the only thing you can do. If you happen to run into her and she says hi to your husband, be polite and confident. Show her that you're not threatened by her and that you are the wife now and she has no claim on your husband anymore.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 09:59 AM   #3
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Re: What do I do? Ex coming to town staying next door.

She has nothing better to do on Memorial Day then come stay with her ex-mother in law. What a loser, don't feel threatened, just feel sympathy. Your husband sounds like he is being good about his, so don't worry about it.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 10:03 AM   #4
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Re: What do I do? Ex coming to town staying next door.

Wow that is a tough situation! I think that Sophia gave excellent advice. Just try to keep your distance and be cordial if you do have any contact. You cannot prevent her from coming. Your mother-in-law is a real piece of work.

Would you believe that my husband's ex once spent the night on our couch? Talk about a strange night. She had driven with my step-daughter all the way accross the country because she came to live with us for a while and she didn't want to drive all that way by herself and her mother didn't want her to go alone either. She is a peice work herself and ended up drinking a whole bottle of wine by herself and said some pretty strange things and asked me some really wierd questions. Then she took a plane back home the next morning. I couldn't sleep at all that night and I insisted that my 4 month old sleep with me that night rather than in the other room in her crib because I was just freaked out by the whole senerio.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 10:09 AM   #5
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Re: What do I do? Ex coming to town staying next door.

I'd make sure that the ex had NO indication that I felt unsettled, threatened or bothered by her.
In fact, I'd make sure that the weekend BBQ included HER!! I'd be the woman that my husband chose to marry and live with, not be divorced from.
Head high!

 
Old 05-20-2004, 10:23 AM   #6
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Re: What do I do? Ex coming to town staying next door.

damn mother in law...Listen sweetie...First,,,the exwife is still friendly with the mother in law and using this as an exuse to check you out, check on her exhusband and to let you know she is still in some way connected with her exhusband by keeping in touch w/mother in law. She is marking YOUR terriotory...loser or not....She will make YOU feel like the Loser..which you are not...

Get your strength together, visit mother in law, smile when talking to her as if you have no care in the world, when she mentioned or somehow bring it up in converstation about the ex wife's visit let her know it will be NICE meeting the ex from the past and how YOU want to THANK HER...for letting go of your husband because HE's YOURS now...DO NOT let mother in law get the best of you...Let HER think you have a change of heart/mind about the exwife and how your looking forward to HER visit......

Then, privately w/your husband only MAKE SOME DAMN PLANS for the weekend. If going away for the weekend is not an option...Make it one for your sanity....DO you camp? Start liking it...Go someplace - can you visit a friend? family? Can you Make an entire weekend plan where you can Be away from your home from morning to night? There has got to be a way for you & hubby to disappear for the entire weekend or become unavailable.

You still have plenty of time to come up with something before her arrival...

 
Old 05-20-2004, 10:30 AM   #7
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Re: What do I do? Ex coming to town staying next door.

Shes coming for a weekend. Avoid your mother-in-laws house for the weekend. If you happen to cross paths don't give this woman any satisfaction by acting inferior, jealous, or insecure. Hold you head up high, you are HIS wife now. Its just 3 days and she'll be gone. It will be uncomfortable but not the end of the world. Have the "so what" attitude and you'll get through this just fine. Good luck

 
Old 05-20-2004, 11:45 AM   #8
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Re: What do I do? Ex coming to town staying next door.

I want to thank you all for your time and suggestions.

Youre all a bunch of angels!

Just another note on this subject:

I tried the "Be the bigger person and invite her into your life" crap Christmas of 2002. I wrote her a long letter explaining how I was wrong by not allowing my husband to speak with her and that I wished her well with her life, ect...

She used that as an open invitation to call him every week, email me and ask that I "turn on my webcam " so she could see me and my children as well as her ex.

Big mistake

As soon as my husband saw her, he commented on how much weight she lost and how pretty her hair was.

(Yes, even a supportive husband will think about the good old days. Remember, she left him. He had no control over it. He just moved on with me.)

My jealous side immediately said PUT A STOP TO THIS NOW and it ended.

But she was just gathering ammunition. And my mother in laws on her side now. And, the show is about to start.

Im going to take *your* advice and try to be the bigger person and not show how threatened I really am inside. I hope it doesnt show.

I will not invite her to tag along though. I dont have the strength to do that, nor the courage. I did this before and it just caused more pain for me.

I will look into the possibility of leaving town but we have tried to plan something before this incident and neither one of us could get off work, ect. As for planning a BBQ with friends ect. Everyone else has already made other plans.

I will be in touch with you all on here and let you know. Once again, I want to thank you for your support.

JT

 
Old 05-20-2004, 12:05 PM   #9
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Re: What do I do? Ex coming to town staying next door.

JT59 - Oh my...YOU are a Much bigger person then I could ever be........
NO freakin way could I do what you have done....No freakin way........

My fiance's exwife cheated on him and she had thoughts of getting back with him - this was before I even entered into his life. WE, she & I are friendly but not friends...SHE does think she plays me but I allow her as much as I would like her into our lives...You see, he has children with her and I can't avoid her...BUT....It's as if I always have to be one step ahead of her.
It sucks at times as I do not wish to play the games..BUT...play the game and I will play to win not lose...Again, we are friendly but NOT FRIENDS although she thinks we are Best of Friends...NO thank you...I have plenty of Female friends, sisters, and sisters in laws...I need no new friends in my circle of life...

Learn from your mistake as I'm sure you have...Find a way to get out of town to spend with your HUSBAND for your viewing pleasure only...TRY...to stay away so She will KNOW your Husband is YOURS and he wishes to be with YOU. If your friends are very close friends, invite yourself over to their house...IF YOU CAN...and Stay there.
Good Luck and please keep us posted..........

 
Old 05-20-2004, 01:34 PM   #10
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Re: What do I do? Ex coming to town staying next door.

One more note... they dont have children together so there is no reason in my opinion, that they should have any communication.

Thanks again

JT

 
Old 05-20-2004, 02:35 PM   #11
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Re: What do I do? Ex coming to town staying next door.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JT59
One more note... they dont have children together so there is no reason in my opinion, that they should have any communication.

Thanks again

JT
I knew from your postings that they didn't have children together...CAN'T tell you how LUCKY you are for that!!!!!!!!!! I love my fiance's children and they are wonderful wonderful kids...Thank God! My boyfriend's exwife is doing a wonderful job but...let's face it they are not mind and SHE does little things that actually are becoming more known each day...because the kids are getting older and she can no longer manuplate them the kids....I don't like playing games nor being phoney because the truth always has a way of coming out....It is diffucult at times...

BUT anyways...Your right...the exwife has no business communicating with your Now husband. Her motive is to continue being the 1st wife, showing her place of What once was...Guess...she lost a good guy since she hasn't been able to find a New one and move on w/her life. I feel for you...I really do.
take care..

Last edited by GirlHarley; 05-20-2004 at 02:35 PM.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 07:16 PM   #12
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Re: What do I do? Ex coming to town staying next door.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CoreyP
She has nothing better to do on Memorial Day then come stay with her ex-mother in law. What a loser, don't feel threatened, just feel sympathy. Your husband sounds like he is being good about his, so don't worry about it.

I ahve nothing more to add

 
Old 05-21-2004, 08:24 PM   #13
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Re: What do I do? Ex coming to town staying next door.

Wow! I couldnt handle that either.

My opinion is dont let them ( ex and MIL ) get you down. If you can trust your husband and you keep your chin up, you will be the bigger winner here in more than one way.

Your MIL is a real hoot. IS there a reason she is being so cordial with her ex DIL?

And your husbands ex is " one of those women" who just thinks the world revolves around her. What is she thinking? Shes going to come into view of your husband and seduce him away from you? Hes going to drop everything to come see her?

Do what you are comfortable with. Make the best of it and know that you are the bigger person without any shame. I believe you can do it. Be strong.

jen

 
Old 05-23-2004, 04:40 AM   #14
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Re: What do I do? Ex coming to town staying next door.

She"s looking for attention.If you and your husband don"t give it to her and not make a big deal to your mother-in-law about it,they both will realize their wasting a holiday weekend and stop the immaturity.
This is why most couples live away from parents and best friends growing up,why did he choose this living arrangement?

 
Old 05-23-2004, 06:22 AM   #15
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Re: What do I do? Ex coming to town staying next door.

Quote:
Originally Posted by realguy
She"s looking for attention.If you and your husband don"t give it to her and not make a big deal to your mother-in-law about it,they both will realize their wasting a holiday weekend and stop the immaturity.
This is why most couples live away from parents and best friends growing up,why did he choose this living arrangement?

My husband's grandfather left the family a lot of land so my husband built his home there, just like his parents and siblings did. The Sibs live down the road a little bit from us. Parents are 20 yards away. Just the way the land is arranged.

The real estate market was / is bad here, he could never get as much as he had already invested in the home.

On top of that, there was a request from his grandfather that the land never be sold to outsiders unless the other family members agree or can buy him ( my husband ) out. At this point, no one can afford to do so.

This has not stopped us from looking around, especially since MIL wants to cause problems.

For the most part, were not directly involved with them. Its just our front yard faces their back yard. With the exception of a few trees, its an open range.

I agree with the posters here that his ex has a problem. But I have also known women who dont stop until they get what they want. She may have the attitude, "If I cant have him, no one can". She may be trying to drive a wedge between us just to cause trouble. Im not saying she can, Im just saying she may try.

I dont know her personally and dont want to know her. All I know about her is what other have told me. My MIL has said some bad things about her when I first came into the family and now she says shes forgiven her and wants to be her friend... bla bla bla.

All I know is that she has a motive. No rhyme or reason. Shes coming to my town with a purpose. And its not to visit old friends. Or she would have stayed with friends or at a motel.

I do know that I feel disrespected by my MIL and anyone else (who claims to be my 'friend') who happens to visit her while shes in town.

When she left him, he was devistated. Crushed like a bug. And unsuspecting. He never had a clue this was going on. His family told me the same thing. They didnt like what she had done.

(Not that this is important but she met someone online and moved to his part of the country. Now that the "prince" turned out to be a "frog" , she been complaining to my MIL about her love life.)

I know that I am weak and insecure. Im not ashamed to admit it. I have been this way all of my life and although I do try to change, its a inbred fact of my nature and I revert back to it.

Some people are like this. Some arent.

Im just glad there are places like this where I can vent.

Thanks again everyone. I will keep you all posted!

 
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