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Old 05-20-2004, 09:20 AM   #1
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Need to Vent!

Hello everyone! I just really need to vent! I am having so many problems with my boyfriend of 4 years that I don't even know where to start. I am 39 weeks pregnant and he is the least supportive person that I know. He goes out with his "friend" every single night of the week and stays out until at least 2 in the morning. When I do get him to stay home he spends the whole evening sleeping on the couch and yelling at our 4 year old son about even the stupidest things. He then says that he is bored and goes to bed early. On top of that he always talks about these two girls that he "lusts over", which never used to bother me because I trusted him and know that I look at other men that I find attractive, but lately it is driving me crazy. Yesterday he told me "They have both been going out of their way to flirt and talk to me..." and that the friend that he hangs out with is also friends with them. Last night when he went out I called him at 1 am because I knew that he had to get up early for court this morning and he had all these excuses about what he had been doing and he said that he was on his way to the grocery store to get me some bottled water but he did not come home with any. I was still up at 2:30 when he got home and he just ignored me and went to bed and then this morning tried to act like nothing happened. Everyone tells me that he is just nervous about the baby but why would that cause him to act like such a jerk! Sorry this is so long, it makes me feel a little better to get all that out!!!

 
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Old 05-20-2004, 09:34 AM   #2
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Re: Need to Vent!

Sounds like a real catch to me! look, ive been down that road to some extent. Does he even work? If hes spending all his time running around town, Im guessing no. And why is he going to court? I know these may sound like very intrusive questions, but I spent 5 lovely years with a guy who couldnt keep a job, got into legal trouble repeatedly, and ran around town like a high school kid, regardless of the fact that he was a father, and was 28 years old. He never did get straightened out. He kept saying that if I would marry him, it would motivate him to "grow up" but in the end I decided that he had to change beforehand. You would think that having our daughter could have motivated him to get it together , but it didnt. I worked full time, went to school, and raised our daughter while this man worked sporadically and partied nightly. I would have been a moron to stay, and I thank god I didnt have any more children with him. I love my daughter, but was robbed of the wonderful experience of sharing parenting with a loving and supportive spouse who equally loved our child. He ended up getting arrested some more, and finally at the age of 30 married a 19 year old. I wish her luck. I married a responsible gainfully employed and educated man, and had a daughter with him. It is nice to have someone with you who is equally dedicated to your child, and has goals in life. I feel stupid for ever reproducing with my ex. I love our daughter so very much, but honestly I dated him because he was cute, and a "bad boy" and that excited me. As you get older, bad boys become pathetic immature boys who end up as losers. They dont usually stay cute forever, and after a while, your life starts looking like a bad episode of "Cops". Good luck. I may sound jaded but been there, done that, would NEVER go back.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 09:35 AM   #3
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Re: Need to Vent!

Well, doesn't sound like you want any advice, you are having a baby with this man. Its too bad. Yes he sounds like a huge, huge, jerk. He isn't nervous about the baby, you just married a selfish boy. What are you going to do?

 
Old 05-20-2004, 09:38 AM   #4
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Re: Need to Vent!

Wow, he sounds awful! I'm sorry you have to deal with such a selfish and immature guy during your pregnancy. He's "nervous about the baby"? And that's why he makes disrespectful comments about other women and stays out until the wee hours of the night??!! How old is this guy? And why aren't you married yet; with the second baby on the way? Sounds to me like you've been letting him get away with the proverbial murder. It's time to make some demands and tell him to grow up. Lock the door and don't let him in the next time he stays out so late. You have to change your behavior in order to get him to change his. Right now he is having the best of both worlds.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 09:52 AM   #5
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Re: Need to Vent!

You have to start making better choices for yourself and for your children. You cannot change him you can only change your own situation. You have been with him for 4 years and you have a 4 year old with him? How does that even work? You got pregnant right when you met him? Then you got pregnant again with the jerk? Did he just start being a jerk or has he pretty much always been one? If he has always been one then why did you allow yourself to get pregnant again with this man? Did your birth control fail?

 
Old 05-20-2004, 09:53 AM   #6
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Re: Need to Vent!

Quote:
Originally Posted by trystme
You have to start making better choices for yourself and for your children. You cannot change him you can only change your own situation. You have been with him for 4 years and you have a 4 year old with him? How does that even work? You got pregnant right when you met him? Then you got pregnant again with the jerk? Did he just start being a jerk or has he pretty much always been one? If he has always been one then why did you allow yourself to get pregnant again with this man? Did your birth control fail?
Excellent point, Trystme!

 
Old 05-20-2004, 09:59 AM   #7
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Re: Need to Vent!

Sophia, I agree, BUT if he is too far gone, he may not change. Some guys just dont. Lord knows I tried everything I could think of with my ex, and Im not by any means a doormat, but It all amounted to the equivalent of beating my head against the proverbial brick wall. I walked out. I had no choice. I had to raise my daughter and the only way to do that RIGHT was to get rid of him. I couldnt deal with his crap, and raise my daughter, and stay mentally ok. I tried EVERYTHING. He would change for a month or 2, and then was back to his old ways. I would leave him. I moved across the country to make him realize that I was serious. Ironically, he followed me, but still managed to screw up. I had to quit taking him back. Intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful type there is, and it took a long time for him to realize that I finally WASNT going to take him back anymore. I finally convinced him I was done when the next time he showed up on my doorstep, I told him I was pregnant and getting married. He honestly believed that I would spend the rest of my life taking him back any time he showed up. Needless to say, that did the trick, after he threatened my life and the life of my unborn child, and kicked my car, he took off and I havent heard from him since.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 10:00 AM   #8
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Re: Need to Vent!

She states she is 39 weeks pregnant. That would make her 9.75 months pregnant.
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Old 05-20-2004, 10:05 AM   #9
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Re: Need to Vent!

Tomsgirl -
A normal pregnancy is 40 weeks long. Remember when they say a pregnancy is 9 months long that you have to go the full 9th month. You are technically 10 months when you give birth and if you go over the 40 weeks you are in the 10th month.
She is correct in what she said.
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Old 05-20-2004, 10:07 AM   #10
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Re: Need to Vent!

A pregnancy lasts for 40 weeks. It is clinically measured by weeks and not months and the week starts on the first day of your last period. That is just the way they do it???

 
Old 05-20-2004, 10:14 AM   #11
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Re: Need to Vent!

Quote:
Originally Posted by annebash
Sophia, I agree, BUT if he is too far gone, he may not change. Some guys just dont. Lord knows I tried everything I could think of with my ex, and Im not by any means a doormat, but It all amounted to the equivalent of beating my head against the proverbial brick wall. I walked out. I had no choice. I had to raise my daughter and the only way to do that RIGHT was to get rid of him. I couldnt deal with his crap, and raise my daughter, and stay mentally ok. I tried EVERYTHING. He would change for a month or 2, and then was back to his old ways. I would leave him. I moved across the country to make him realize that I was serious. Ironically, he followed me, but still managed to screw up. I had to quit taking him back. Intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful type there is, and it took a long time for him to realize that I finally WASNT going to take him back anymore. I finally convinced him I was done when the next time he showed up on my doorstep, I told him I was pregnant and getting married. He honestly believed that I would spend the rest of my life taking him back any time he showed up. Needless to say, that did the trick, after he threatened my life and the life of my unborn child, and kicked my car, he took off and I havent heard from him since.
Annabash, you are right. At some point you have to say "enough is enough." I would give someone a chance and if they kept screwing up, well, it's time to move on then. You did the absolute right thing and I admire you for it. When a guy like that is afraid you'll leave him for good, he usually comes up with amazing things to say to try to keep you. But most of the time it's only words and as we all know, talk is cheap. It's up to the poster how she will handle the situation. We don't know if she ever even tried to make serious demands on him, or if she basically let him do whatever he wanted. If faced with the ultimatum to either "grow up" or she's out the door, he MIGHT become more responsible. but if he doesn't, she shouldn't waste her precious time.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 10:16 AM   #12
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Re: Need to Vent!

Sorry to hear about your problems with your boyfriend. So many are concerned with how you are preg. again, etc. I think you should really focus on what you want out of life once you have this baby. You will be a mother of 2 and deserve to be happy. Don't dwell on what you should have done or could have done differently. Instead, dwell on how you can get out of this situation and make a good home for you and your 2 little ones. You shouldn't have to listen to your boyfriend talk about other women. That is so disrespectful. Yes, you will both find others attractive but to make constant comments in unacceptable. This guy sounds like a loser and i don't know how you would be worse off being alone or with someone else. Have this baby and start making some major life changes. Otherwise, you'll be dealing with this for the rest of your life.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 10:25 AM   #13
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Re: Need to Vent!

i totally agree with sophia on this one...you need to lay down an ultimatum...tell him what is acceptable behavior and what is not (although he should already know this)...and if he still doesn't behave then you need to consider leaving him...in my eyes, he's more of a baby than the one in your stomach...
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Old 05-20-2004, 10:37 AM   #14
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Re: Need to Vent!

THAT IS not Nervous of your second baby coming...You said he also yells at your 4yr old....he's a Very Selfish Man...and to boot tell you these two attrative girls Want Him....Nice guy you have there......

Your about to have a baby and w/your hormones everywhere this is not the way a loving father should be treating the mother of his children.

Remind him...He's a Father first and that is where his head should be, if he's too immature to handle it it's too bad so sad..And when these woman find out he's out flirting with them instead of being home with you while your ready to have HIS BABY...How well do you think these woman will find him attractive? Two Babies to feed & support? He has shown no respect to you, your son and your new baby to be...DO YOU really think he will find another woman who will respect the real MAN that he is? NOT!

Ask any woman on this board on in your life if they would carry on a flirting attraction with a man who has a Woman home about to have his 2nd child and a 4 yr old at home....Get a babysitter for a night while he's out flirting w/the pretty young girls that are sooooo hot for him...SHOW up with your Belly and put your Arms around him and give him a great big HUG & KISS
introduce yourself to these woman with a Hugh SMILE and a wink!
See how attractive they find your man.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 11:46 AM   #15
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Need to Vent!

The guidelines you used in the selection process of a partner are clearly flawed. Throw them out and don't use them again in the future. It is not too late to avoid even more frustration and regret. What you have is what you will have. Dance around this reality for a while, but not too long.

 
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