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Old 05-20-2004, 10:16 AM   #1
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Question husband ignores Mother's Day, how to explain to clueless husband

Does anyone have any suggestions how explain to husbands why they should care or do anything for Mother's Day?

He is a generally good willed thoughtful person, but for some reason he seems to believe that Mother's Day is just between me and the kids, and he just comes along for the ride. No "Happy Mother's Day", never even consider a present, no consciousness of the fact that I have given up my life and former body due to giving him kids. It is like he's had a lobotomy. And then as the day goes on and I get more annoyed, he gets puzzled at what he thinks is my irrational reactions. He feels that for some reason, he "always gets in trouble" on Mother's Day.

And he never notices that I've always given him a good father's day, with an outing (e.g. a live show at a magic theater) plus nice gifts (the ping pong table was the best), etc. He seems incapable of generalizing from this.

I'd like to have some reading matter ready for him to give him on Father's Day. So any suggestions explaining Mother's Day to a Dad and Husband would be welcome.

Next year I think I'm going out of town with my mother and kids only. Any and all suggestions how to explain Mother's Day to him are greatly appreciated.

Last edited by Administrator; 05-21-2004 at 01:04 AM.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 10:18 AM   #2
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Re: husband ignores Mother's Day, how to explain to clueless husband

i know how you feel...this is the first year my hubby tried to make it special...i think it was difficult for him cause my only child was with another man...
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Old 05-20-2004, 10:26 AM   #3
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Re: husband ignores Mother's Day, how to explain to clueless husband

I'm one of the wacko's that thinks Mother's Day is for one's Mother. My DH gets and signs a card for his Mom, and I get one and sign it for my Mom.
Not to say that this husband shouldn't be helping the kids with cards, gifts, dinners, etc!!
(Please don't flame me! Its only my opinion and I DO understand why the original member would like a card from the "father of her children she is Mother to"!!!)

 
Old 05-20-2004, 10:28 AM   #4
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Re: husband ignores Mother's Day, how to explain to clueless husband

Good luck!
P
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Last edited by Administrator; 05-20-2004 at 11:43 PM.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 10:47 AM   #5
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Re: husband ignores Mother's Day, how to explain to clueless husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
I'm one of the wacko's that thinks Mother's Day is for one's Mother. My DH gets and signs a card for his Mom, and I get one and sign it for my Mom.
Not to say that this husband shouldn't be helping the kids with cards, gifts, dinners, etc!!
(Please don't flame me! Its only my opinion and I DO understand why the original member would like a card from the "father of her children she is Mother to"!!!)
I totally agree....You are NOT your husband's mother. This is the problem with today...Expectations...and when your expectations of what you think it should be or how it should be is not meant...You disappoint yourself.

Your husband is not your father...He is the father of your children. If you want to do something nice for him on father's day that's fine, you chose to do it..But....YOU don't have to...

You can Teach your children about Mother's Day and Father's Day and what you would like from them..whether it's a homemade card, breakfast in bed, good kids for the day You are the parent to teach children not your husband what Mother's day is all about. You should celebrate Mother's Day with your Mother and children...Make it A Happy Day and pamper yourself.
When your husband asks where's the money spent TELL HIM on you for being a MOTHER to his children on this speical day.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 11:18 AM   #6
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Re: husband ignores Mother's Day, how to explain to clueless husband

The first thought that came to my mind was also you are not his mother - why would he get you a present or a card? For Fathers Day I bought my husband a card but that is because my daughter cant buy one herself. I singed it from her as well.

I would never give my husband something on fathers day or expect anything on Mothers day from him.

"""He is a generally good willed thoughtful person, but for some reason he seems to believe that Mother's Day is just between me and the kids, and he just comes along for the ride. No "Happy Mother's Day", never even consider a present, no consciousness of the fact that I have given up my life and former body due to giving him kids.""

Be grateful that he is good willed and thoughtful. IT could be a whole lot worse!!
You gave up your life and body to give him kids? Aren't they your kids too??? Giving up your life and body is part of it. That should never be used against your husband.
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Last edited by Navywife22; 05-20-2004 at 11:23 AM.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 11:43 AM   #7
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Re: husband ignores Mother's Day, how to explain to clueless husband

i think part of the hype is from the commercials they show these days...buy your wife this diamond or this necklace on mothers day...
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Old 05-20-2004, 11:59 AM   #8
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Re: husband ignores Mother's Day, how to explain to clueless husband

I hope there are no little children reading this. If so, please cover their eyes..........okay...........

There is no such thing as Santa and there is no such thing as Mother's day. The prior is a wonderful character to be enjoyed by innocent children and the latter is a blatant marketing ploy to separate otherwise rational adults from their hard earned money through the purchase of Hallmark cards, gifts, and such.

You expect your husband to give his wife a gift on mother's day. Who needs a separate day in the year to reflect on how joyful it is to be a mother and how your little children are, every day, so dependent and appreciative of what you do? You need a gift on a made up day in order to validate yourself as a mother?

You are free to give your husband a gift on whatever day you want. If he does not act in the same way as you does not mean he is wrong and you are right. You have already indicated he is a good willed and thoughtful. Let him be those things on his terms, not yours – especially on a made up day that doesn’t even reflect what you are to him

 
Old 05-20-2004, 12:01 PM   #9
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Re: husband ignores Mother's Day, how to explain to clueless husband

*uncovers ears*...lol...just kidding

but yet so true
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Old 05-20-2004, 12:12 PM   #10
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Re: husband ignores Mother's Day, how to explain to clueless husband

What there is NO SANTA? But who keeps putting all those beautiful presents under thy tree?

I buy my own damn Mother's day present...I pick out what I would think my SON would buy me and then tell him what a lovely gift!
I can have all the material things I want...but most of all on any day and Mothers Day too...is to reflect what I want most out of being a mother:
is my son to be happy, healthy, educated, no drugs, no drinking, (he's a teenager) not having sex, respect me and others and be the best he can.
That is ALL a mother can hope for.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 12:15 PM   #11
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rv_lethe HB User
Re: husband ignores Mother's Day, how to explain to clueless husband

I guess I need to clarify about who celebrates Mother's Day and why I'm requesting some article or website about why Dad might want to pay attention:

Regarding the comments of others, I agree that Mother's Day is primarily a kid-mother thing. But I think Mother's Day and Father's Day are days to show friendliness and good will to all Mothers and Fathers (at least, that is what we all do in my crowd). And to honor a person's committment to motherhood or fatherhood, and acknowledge that. I'm complaining about complete and utter lack of realization that anything is going on at all.

All I'm asking for is maybe a hug and a kiss, and moment of being treated slightly nice. I'm not asking for any special event or anything. This time, after watching me unwrap the presents from my daughters, there was NO ACKNOWLEDGEMENT at all of anything having to do about motherhood. Instead I got chewed out for clutter in the living room. (This clutter was paperwork from the death of a very close relative a few days earlier.) This is what I mean about clueless. It is like a cold vacuum.

In prior years when we have gathered at my mother's on Mother's Day, he would BS out in the yard while the moms prepared food, fed the kids, cleaned up, etc. (That didn't last long). This too is what I mean about clueless.

Over the years I've learned that different families have different ways and degrees of handling things. For example, I've noticed that for presents, some parts of the family just try to find any old crap they can stuff into some wrapping paper, and other parts of the family really think about the person and what they might be delighted to have, which might cost next to nothing at all to buy or make, but show thoughtfulness and care for the person. It is just an issue of thoughtfulness and the spirit of gift giving.

So I know that the degree of opposite parent involvement in Mother's and Father's Days will vary in different families. But this is what is weird -- everyone else in his family treats these days as special. I get cards and good wishes from rest of the in-laws.

Is there anyone out there who thinks that on Mother's or Father's Day that a spouse doesn't even need to give a kind word or be nice? Is there anyone who thinks it is out of line for Dad to pitch in with regards to people gathering at Grandmother's house on Mother's Day? Do any of you really think that a bit of social kindness from a spouse is not called for on Mother's or Father's Day? This is what I'm talking about. If so, why......!?!

I really don't think it is excessive to expect just a moment of acknowledgement of motherhood from a husband. He just has a hole in his head about why only a simple kind word might be appropriate, and I'd love to find something to fill that hole in his head with. Thanks again for any suggestions.

Last edited by Administrator; 05-21-2004 at 01:02 AM.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 12:16 PM   #12
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Re: husband ignores Mother's Day, how to explain to clueless husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
What there is NO SANTA? But who keeps putting all those beautiful presents under thy tree?
The example of no Santa was purely metaphorical. Santa is very real with a large Visa bill to prove it.

 
Old 05-21-2004, 12:47 AM   #13
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Re: husband ignores Mother's Day, how to explain to clueless husband

Hi rv_lethe

Your quote:
I really don't think it is excessive to expect just a moment of acknowledgement of motherhood from a husband. He just has a hole in his head about why only a simple kind word might be appropriate, and I'd love to find something to fill that hole in his head with. QUOTE]

Here is another way to look at this scenario~
Since you have observed that your husband acts like Mother's Day is a day to hang out and eat what others cooked, why do you think he only needs educated, then he will be different? It seems like it is your problem that you cannot accept that this is how he thinks. If you want him to appreciate you, appreciate him the way he is. That is what all people respond to the best.
I am not ignoring the fact of what you prefer to have happen, and that it feels wrong to you when it does not happen. But he doesn't feel the same way you do. How he feels is as valid as how you feel.

Do you complain or act bruised about this every mother's day? He may be feeling right now that he can't win no matter what he does, that what he does is never what you wanted. Give him the gift of giving him space to be real, then gush over him ANY time he does do ANY thing for you, for he has no obligation to give you special gifts, even if he IS your husband. A gift is not an obligation. It is a gift.

People tend to do what they get positive feedback on and feel free to do or not do. Men (most all people) shy away from anything they experience negative feedback from. You can ask him if he feels you have given him negative feedback, and then you may want to apolegize and tell him you will be more accepting of what he chooses to do for you, in future, if anything, or even if nothing. You might be amazed how he changes, down the road, once he has the freedom to choose without your demands or manipulations or emotions.

Instead of trying to figure out how to change HIM, think about how you act when he does not meet your expectations. He is cold to the very idea of doing even a "little" thing on that day, for some reason. Maybe you did not pressure him about gift-giving, but I bet someone has.

I am sure you have the best intentions, and do not mean to expect anything in return, but it is clear that you do expect it. I don't think it is a small thing to expect or pressure someone to give what is clearly not on their own heart to give. It seems like you are keeping a list of what you did VS what he didn't do. That makes what you do not a gift...real gifts are done with NO thought of return. Rather than to keep on trying to change him, or letting your feelings be hurt, why not just drop it and stop doing things for him on Father's Day? Or else do what you want to do and do it without expectations he will do at least something for you? I am a woman and I would resist that, myself.

Males are generally task oriented, and see details. They do not lusually ook around and see what all needs done. Having an overview is generally a female trait, though we all overlap in these areas to some degree.

As for getting him to help at get togethers, I learned this the hard way, VIA my own hurt feelings and anger, until I began to appreciate the differences between people~ I am an organizer, my husband isn't. It helps to make a list of what you would like for him to do for you and when it needs done, then be sure to tell him you appreciate what he did when he does it. DO NOT mention all the times he did nothing. DO NOT expect him to notice what you would like help with, and DO NOT complain about how he does these things. Let him make mistakes and be gracious and appreciative.

I keep a "Honey Please Do List" on the fridge, with dates by which I need them done, if there is a deadline. I never say one word...later on, my husband will say, "oh, I did such and such for you". I told him he is my knight in shining armour. He beamed like the sun. Later on, he made a fuss over the fact I cooked his meal. That is how it works. Give what you want back,,,appreciation. But without the expectations of return. Let him give what HE wants to give.

Look for ways to turn this around into a positive experience for you AND him...I would suggest that you plan things to cel\lebrate your day with your kids such as go out to a nice dinner, where no one cooks, and that you include him, not exclude...to exclude would be punitive, and punishment makes one feel like a child, which men (virtually no one) do not respond to.

 
Old 05-21-2004, 02:42 AM   #14
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Re: husband ignores Mother's Day, how to explain to clueless husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
.... This is the problem with today...Expectations...and when your expectations of what you think it should be or how it should be is not meant...You disappoint yourself.
You got it!

The best I can do for my mother is put flowers on her grave. Be grateful and thankful for what you have, instead of what you expect.

 
Old 05-21-2004, 03:56 AM   #15
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Re: husband ignores Mother's Day, how to explain to clueless husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by rv_lethe
Instead I got chewed out for clutter in the living room. (This clutter was paperwork from the death of a very close relative a few days earlier.) This is what I mean about clueless. It is like a cold vacuum.
There is more here than meets the eye. Me thinks its not only about Mother's Day.

 
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