Hi, can anyone tell me why women are so attracted to men that aren't good for them? Unfortunately, I am one of these women. I met a man that treats me excellent and he is absolutely wonderful and wants so much to be with me. Well then there is another man that I used to date a year ago that I am so completely physically attracted to but he is such an a**. I don't know why but I can't stay away from him, all our relationship was, was sex. I'm mean it was great. He is aggressive and I guess I like the way that makes me feel. But to talk to him sucks. He has such and attitude and he wants to argue about everything. He thinks he is god's gift to women. Well anyways I really like the nice guy but how do you go about getting rid of feelings for the other. The nice guy is attractive but just doesn't get my heart racing when I see him like the other guy. I know that is horrible because I know a person shouldn't be into just looks, so please don't write back calling me shallow because I'm trying not to be, but this is just the way I feel. How do you let yourself love someone that can be good for you? I'm tired of being with all the mean guys its nice to be with someone great and I don't want to mess it up. How can I make myself be with someone that can make me happy? Is there something wrong with me? Anyone else ever feel like this?
It kind of sounds like you are afraid of committment. If you are given the chance to be with a nice good guy that treats you right but you go for the bad guy who is good for sex but no good for a relationship. If you are constantly picking these "bad guys" maybe you are afraid of getting in to a serious relationship..have u been hurt in the past? or afraid of being hurt? I could be totally off but just something to think about.
I think you could be scared of commitment in part. But, we all feel this way-who wants the geek with straight A's when we can have the rebel with the motorcycle? We all want the tough, macho guy, but, eventually we get over that, and realize what's good for us. I don't know how old you are, and I don't want to sound condecending, but it could just be an immaturity thing. I'm not saying that you as a whole are immature, but maybe you're mindset to what you want from and what you need form a relationship is.
Hi, I'm actually going to be 28 years old. I'm definetly not immature. I am a single mom that works full time and also goes to college. Maybe it is that I was in a bad relationship before. I was married for almost 7 years and he was an alcoholic and drug addict that cheated and treated me horrible. I am I think afraid of commitment. What worries me is that I have been single for 3 years and I'm still in the phase of being scared to commit. I was so young when I met my exhusband, and I was so dependent on him. I was lost when we divorced. But now I have my life together, I bought a home, and I am so self-reliant. I am scared of someone coming in and changing the way I do things. But I don't want to be like that. I can honestly say that it feels great to have someone that puts me on a pedastool. I'm just waiting for the fall. Its hard to believe that he can be true. I am so scared that I will push him away, I really want to try and make things work because I want to be with someone that treats me good, I just don't know how. That probably sounds stupid. Should I see a counselor or something, I don't want to spend my life with men that run over me.
That's great that you are self-reliant now! Being too dependent on men is never good because there are some that are no good out there. I may only be 18 but I have seen my mom kiss sooo many frogs and she finally found her prince at 46 years old! Her father abused her and so she seemed to always pick guys who were no good. She went through counseling and she said it helped a little bit. Anyway she found a man who is now my stepfather and he treated her soo well and she was not used to it and found it hard to commit to him but he pushed and kept treating her right and she finally let herself fall in love with him (i think what helped her is that she talked to him about why she was having so much trouble committing) She is now soo happy because she finally let herself trust a man again. Anyway..try talking to mr. nice guy! He obviously cares about you. And if you feel you need to go talk to someone else then maybe you should go see a counselour but make sure they come reccommended because some are just in it for the money and suck! lol. Anyway I hope I was of some help. Good luck!!
I would guess that you had some sort of bad situation in your childhood. Women that have a history for falling for the 'bad boys' 9 times out of 10 had trauma in their childhood. They choose the bad guys because it feels normal, there is usually a a real strong sexual attraction. Good guys that treat you with repect will aways seem boring until you deal with the trauma through counciling.
Wow, you hit it right on the money when you said that I had some type of trauma when I was a child. I had to live in a foster home for 3 years because of my step father molested me. It was horrible, and no charges were ever pressed against him because there was no "proof". It was a horrible time in my life and then I met my exhusband which was horrible. I am so glad I decided to post on this site it gives me alot to think about. I have never seeked counseling because I have always just delt with the issue of what happened by not talking about it. I have to see my step father everyday, but I have come to forgive him but I think about the abuse daily. But I do understand that I probably need help, because I'm tired of being with the wrong man and I'm so scared I will push this one away. He does know that I'm scared of relationships and he says that we don't have to put a label on what are relationship is like....boyfriend, or significant other or anything like that. He told me yesterday that he said its my turn to be taken care of. He is so great. Well thank you to everyone that answered my questions you were all alot of help. I think that at least I made it through the first step of recognizing that I'm commitment phobic and that i keep going after the bad guys. Now I just need to stick with a plan to change my way of thinking.
Can I just say something from a "good Guy's" point of view - maybe it will make you think a bit.
I have been told so many times that women eventually grow out of the bad boy thing and then come looking for us when they want to get married have kids whatever...whether this is true or not consider this...
Dont just assume you can always have the good guy when you decide you want him as maybe he lost interest and got fed up of treating people right and having it thrown back at him. You can turn a good guy "bad" if they get rejected enough for being decent human beings.
Good for you for going to school and getting out of a bad marriage. But you might want to seriously consider therapy. You said that you have forgiven your stepfather, but that you still have to see him every day and you DO think about the abuse every day...that can't be good for you, even if you think you have it licked. Since you're on the right track, get some professional feedback so that you stay there.
I had a very hot/cold father growing up. He was emotionally manipulative, physically abusive, put me down all the time, and still tries to pull the upperhand whenever we are around each other now. I was brought up with the platitude that it was best to "forgive and forget"... but I don't agree with that anymore. Because of that mantra, I kept telling myself that my dad was really "okay", I must have been a brat, that he really loved me when it mattered most. This thinking went on for years. By then I'd had several bad relationships with men who were just like him...never pleased, volitile, and narcassistic. Trust me, it's a cycle.
Last edited by vintagegirl; 05-21-2004 at 05:37 AM.
I would guess that you had some sort of bad situation in your childhood. Women that have a history for falling for the 'bad boys' 9 times out of 10 had trauma in their childhood. They choose the bad guys because it feels normal, there is usually a a real strong sexual attraction. Good guys that treat you with repect will aways seem boring until you deal with the trauma through counciling.
Desertdweller,
I was just curious as to where you got your numbers from.
P
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~Let each new day provide you another reason for tomorrow~
yep, it sounds like a pattern here...but what del said made a lot of sense to me...you can't sit there and expect the good guys to wait until you are ready...
i think therapy would be a good idea...it could help you sort out your feelings and help you break this pattern...good luck to you girl
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'to really live you must nearly die'-received from a vietnam vet
I think I have the same problem. Despite my good intentions, I always seem to find a guy who's a commitmentphobe. Even the ones that act "good" in the beginning turn jerky. How's that statistically possible? I don't know what to advise you because I haven't figured this one out myself. Try to stay with the nice guy and give him a chance. Or, rather, give yourself a chance to fall in love with him. I personally don't know any nice guys that stay 'nice' after I let my guard down and fall in love with them, but I hope you'll have more luck.
I don't know, my dad was a boring nice dependable guy -- but strict and a perfectionist with me so I did have some conflict with him -- and I don't remember any kind of childhood trauma save being a nerd in high school, and still I have found attraction to "bad boys." I really think it is us developing our personalities, you get more integrated IF you are healthy as you get older. My present husband has a bad boy look (looks a lot like Kurt Cobain w/long blond hair) and he qualified as a bad boy back in his twenties, but now (in forties) he's actually another hard working perfectionist like good old dad . . . maybe some of us when young go for the bad boys to rebel against authority and conformity.
well im a very single 37 yo and ive always been the "good guy" and have been in relationships andhave been cheated on because the girl i was dating or engaged to said she was"bored" and wanted and needed exitement and theyd always either cheat on me with an ex who they bad mouthed while we dated,or met somewhere, im sorry if i seem a bit ticked off by this(cuz i am),lol but i think its just that some women feel that they need exitement 24/7 but then when these bad boys hurt them guys hear them say i wish i could find a good guy and then they do get bored and they fall into this cycle all over again, i guess its kinda like when women say men want a barbie doll type and the nice chubby chicks always get ignored but anyways i cant honestly answer your question because after 22 years of dating ive yet met anyone who can answer this question,lol,i just think part of it has to do with not realizing what really matters in life and relationships, seems too many shallow or materialistic people,both men and women,sure wed all love to be and have a hot,sexy other half, but life isnt really like the bachlorette or joe millionaire shows, some of us are just plain simple people ok im done ranting,sorry
i just remembered something a female friend of mine told me, shes in a very unhappy marriage cuz her husbands a great provider and a great dad but shes bored, she has cheated on him numerous times with badboys, she has a thing for men in uniform and she had a interesting point, she said alot of women go for these guys because they dont want anything serious,they want to party, or just have it be a sexual thing and this way neither the woman nor the badboy has to worry about commitments, also she said that alot of women are used to being hurt both emotionally or physically that its what theyve come to expect from men and when a good guy comes along, they think the guy is too good to be true and will eventually turn into a badboy, so i guess the post that said that eventually some of these women will grow tired of the badboys and will want a goodguy to settle down with but sometimes its too late and by then us goodguys are too old to want kids etc, so i guess you need to maybe get some therapy and until you truely want a good man you wont be ready or willing to accept a good guy
Thank you for all you responses. First I want to comment on wanting the nice guy to wait for me. I never said I wanted him to wait for me. I have been upfront and completly honest with him and he says he understands the way I feel. I would never ask him to wait for me. I'm not trying to get anyone mad about saying I like the bad boy its just the way I feel. I can't help it, I know that its wrong yet I still feel that way. I am happy with myself that at least I am now realizing what I'm doing. That has to be the first step to breaking the "cycle". I do really like being with the nice guy, I just need to keep telling myself that I do deserve to be with someone that treats me good, and with respect. I just need to find out why it doesn't matter to me alot of the time when I am with a "bad boy" that treats me like crap. Why I feel like I like this kind of attitude toward me. I need to learn how to accept a man that wants to make me happy. And I pray to god that I don't mess things up with him. It might sound stupid but I don't know how to react to a man that wants me for me, and wants to make everyday special and happy. I really honestly want to be happy, I just don't think I know how to be.
It might sound stupid but I don't know how to react to a man that wants me for me, and wants to make everyday special and happy. I really honestly want to be happy, I just don't think I know how to be.
Why can't we just state the obvious here. You like that other guy because of how he makes you feel. He's a good looking guy so his interest in you makes you feel attractive. He's aggressive and that makes you feel unresistable.
It's not low self esteem or any other shrinktalk BS. Once a woman goes through that early frenzy stage of a relationship where the guy can't keep his hands off her they crave that feeling for the rest of their lives. Women will tolerate any amount of crap from someone if he makes her feel totally unresistable. That's why so many women in longterm relationships are susceptible to cheating. If they find another man who makes them feel that way again and have to cheat to do it, they'll keep coming back for more.
Anything you do that makes a woman feel good about herself, her attractiveness especially, she'll keep mashing that button. Without even giving it second thought. Who knows maybe it really is low self esteem. If it is it must be a very common problem.
Dayanna~Please look into talking to someone in therapy...you sound as if you really want to get to the bottom of this--and like you have a good head on your shoulders. We can all give you advice, but we're not educated professionals who would listen, untainted by their own personal experiences. There's nothing wrong with therapy and you could even go to couples' therapy with the "nice guy" if you think it's going somewhere. You might get a lot of answers you were'nt expecting, and I guarantee you, he would think the world of you! Dont' give up on him just yet!
I say forget "good" vs. "bad".A person can"t have a relationship with any type until
she/he knows what they want from it.Try taking a step back from both to get a clearer picture of where life will lead you with each man.
The's guys are just people, not devine forces of nature,everyone has both sides in them.
I think women like bad boys because they are challenging. They treat you poorly. But if you try really hard, once in awhile, they do something nice. And it feels sooo good, because you don't get it very often. It's like having a banana split after a long diet. But what a trap. I think it is better to get your thrills another way. Challenge yourself and your own abilities, especially if you want to raise a family. Don't rely on some jerk to make your life interesting. Nice Guys out there, don't give up. We need you!!
