It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 05-20-2004, 09:55 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 87
dayanna HB User
Bad boys vs good boys

Hi, can anyone tell me why women are so attracted to men that aren't good for them? Unfortunately, I am one of these women. I met a man that treats me excellent and he is absolutely wonderful and wants so much to be with me. Well then there is another man that I used to date a year ago that I am so completely physically attracted to but he is such an a**. I don't know why but I can't stay away from him, all our relationship was, was sex. I'm mean it was great. He is aggressive and I guess I like the way that makes me feel. But to talk to him sucks. He has such and attitude and he wants to argue about everything. He thinks he is god's gift to women. Well anyways I really like the nice guy but how do you go about getting rid of feelings for the other. The nice guy is attractive but just doesn't get my heart racing when I see him like the other guy. I know that is horrible because I know a person shouldn't be into just looks, so please don't write back calling me shallow because I'm trying not to be, but this is just the way I feel. How do you let yourself love someone that can be good for you? I'm tired of being with all the mean guys its nice to be with someone great and I don't want to mess it up. How can I make myself be with someone that can make me happy? Is there something wrong with me? Anyone else ever feel like this?

 
Old 05-20-2004, 10:02 PM   #2
Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 84
AlwyzSick HB User
Re: Bad boys vs good boys

It kind of sounds like you are afraid of committment. If you are given the chance to be with a nice good guy that treats you right but you go for the bad guy who is good for sex but no good for a relationship. If you are constantly picking these "bad guys" maybe you are afraid of getting in to a serious relationship..have u been hurt in the past? or afraid of being hurt? I could be totally off but just something to think about.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 05-20-2004, 10:18 PM   #3
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 264
jete23 HB User
Re: Bad boys vs good boys

I think you could be scared of commitment in part. But, we all feel this way-who wants the geek with straight A's when we can have the rebel with the motorcycle? We all want the tough, macho guy, but, eventually we get over that, and realize what's good for us. I don't know how old you are, and I don't want to sound condecending, but it could just be an immaturity thing. I'm not saying that you as a whole are immature, but maybe you're mindset to what you want from and what you need form a relationship is.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 10:44 PM   #4
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 87
dayanna HB User
Re: Bad boys vs good boys

Hi, I'm actually going to be 28 years old. I'm definetly not immature. I am a single mom that works full time and also goes to college. Maybe it is that I was in a bad relationship before. I was married for almost 7 years and he was an alcoholic and drug addict that cheated and treated me horrible. I am I think afraid of commitment. What worries me is that I have been single for 3 years and I'm still in the phase of being scared to commit. I was so young when I met my exhusband, and I was so dependent on him. I was lost when we divorced. But now I have my life together, I bought a home, and I am so self-reliant. I am scared of someone coming in and changing the way I do things. But I don't want to be like that. I can honestly say that it feels great to have someone that puts me on a pedastool. I'm just waiting for the fall. Its hard to believe that he can be true. I am so scared that I will push him away, I really want to try and make things work because I want to be with someone that treats me good, I just don't know how. That probably sounds stupid. Should I see a counselor or something, I don't want to spend my life with men that run over me.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 11:43 PM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 84
AlwyzSick HB User
Re: Bad boys vs good boys

That's great that you are self-reliant now! Being too dependent on men is never good because there are some that are no good out there. I may only be 18 but I have seen my mom kiss sooo many frogs and she finally found her prince at 46 years old! Her father abused her and so she seemed to always pick guys who were no good. She went through counseling and she said it helped a little bit. Anyway she found a man who is now my stepfather and he treated her soo well and she was not used to it and found it hard to commit to him but he pushed and kept treating her right and she finally let herself fall in love with him (i think what helped her is that she talked to him about why she was having so much trouble committing) She is now soo happy because she finally let herself trust a man again. Anyway..try talking to mr. nice guy! He obviously cares about you. And if you feel you need to go talk to someone else then maybe you should go see a counselour but make sure they come reccommended because some are just in it for the money and suck! lol. Anyway I hope I was of some help. Good luck!!

 
Old 05-21-2004, 12:30 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 1,045
desertdweller HB User
Re: Bad boys vs good boys

I would guess that you had some sort of bad situation in your childhood. Women that have a history for falling for the 'bad boys' 9 times out of 10 had trauma in their childhood. They choose the bad guys because it feels normal, there is usually a a real strong sexual attraction. Good guys that treat you with repect will aways seem boring until you deal with the trauma through counciling.

 
Old 05-21-2004, 12:54 AM   #7
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 87
dayanna HB User
Re: Bad boys vs good boys

Wow, you hit it right on the money when you said that I had some type of trauma when I was a child. I had to live in a foster home for 3 years because of my step father molested me. It was horrible, and no charges were ever pressed against him because there was no "proof". It was a horrible time in my life and then I met my exhusband which was horrible. I am so glad I decided to post on this site it gives me alot to think about. I have never seeked counseling because I have always just delt with the issue of what happened by not talking about it. I have to see my step father everyday, but I have come to forgive him but I think about the abuse daily. But I do understand that I probably need help, because I'm tired of being with the wrong man and I'm so scared I will push this one away. He does know that I'm scared of relationships and he says that we don't have to put a label on what are relationship is like....boyfriend, or significant other or anything like that. He told me yesterday that he said its my turn to be taken care of. He is so great. Well thank you to everyone that answered my questions you were all alot of help. I think that at least I made it through the first step of recognizing that I'm commitment phobic and that i keep going after the bad guys. Now I just need to stick with a plan to change my way of thinking.

 
Old 05-21-2004, 04:40 AM   #8
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Cardiff, Wales
Posts: 32
Del_00 HB User
Re: Bad boys vs good boys

Can I just say something from a "good Guy's" point of view - maybe it will make you think a bit.

I have been told so many times that women eventually grow out of the bad boy thing and then come looking for us when they want to get married have kids whatever...whether this is true or not consider this...
Dont just assume you can always have the good guy when you decide you want him as maybe he lost interest and got fed up of treating people right and having it thrown back at him. You can turn a good guy "bad" if they get rejected enough for being decent human beings.

Hold onto the one you have is my humble opinion.

DeLbOy
__________________
One life, no fear

 
Old 05-21-2004, 05:31 AM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 671
vintagegirl HB User
Re: Bad boys vs good boys

Good for you for going to school and getting out of a bad marriage. But you might want to seriously consider therapy. You said that you have forgiven your stepfather, but that you still have to see him every day and you DO think about the abuse every day...that can't be good for you, even if you think you have it licked. Since you're on the right track, get some professional feedback so that you stay there.

I had a very hot/cold father growing up. He was emotionally manipulative, physically abusive, put me down all the time, and still tries to pull the upperhand whenever we are around each other now. I was brought up with the platitude that it was best to "forgive and forget"... but I don't agree with that anymore. Because of that mantra, I kept telling myself that my dad was really "okay", I must have been a brat, that he really loved me when it mattered most. This thinking went on for years. By then I'd had several bad relationships with men who were just like him...never pleased, volitile, and narcassistic. Trust me, it's a cycle.

Last edited by vintagegirl; 05-21-2004 at 05:37 AM.

 
Old 05-21-2004, 06:09 AM   #10
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Southeastern USA
Posts: 140
Polaris HB User
Re: Bad boys vs good boys

Quote:
Originally Posted by desertdweller
I would guess that you had some sort of bad situation in your childhood. Women that have a history for falling for the 'bad boys' 9 times out of 10 had trauma in their childhood. They choose the bad guys because it feels normal, there is usually a a real strong sexual attraction. Good guys that treat you with repect will aways seem boring until you deal with the trauma through counciling.
Desertdweller,

I was just curious as to where you got your numbers from.

P
__________________
~Let each new day provide you another reason for tomorrow~

 
Old 05-21-2004, 07:03 AM   #11
Senior Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: south carolina
Posts: 978
excaliburgrl HB User
Re: Bad boys vs good boys

yep, it sounds like a pattern here...but what del said made a lot of sense to me...you can't sit there and expect the good guys to wait until you are ready...

i think therapy would be a good idea...it could help you sort out your feelings and help you break this pattern...good luck to you girl
__________________
'to really live you must nearly die'-received from a vietnam vet

 
Old 05-21-2004, 09:30 AM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 5,545
SophiaM HB User
Re: Bad boys vs good boys

I think I have the same problem. Despite my good intentions, I always seem to find a guy who's a commitmentphobe. Even the ones that act "good" in the beginning turn jerky. How's that statistically possible? I don't know what to advise you because I haven't figured this one out myself. Try to stay with the nice guy and give him a chance. Or, rather, give yourself a chance to fall in love with him. I personally don't know any nice guys that stay 'nice' after I let my guard down and fall in love with them, but I hope you'll have more luck.

 
Old 05-21-2004, 10:58 AM   #13
Inactive
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 532
mouse62 HB User
Re: Bad boys vs good boys

I don't know, my dad was a boring nice dependable guy -- but strict and a perfectionist with me so I did have some conflict with him -- and I don't remember any kind of childhood trauma save being a nerd in high school, and still I have found attraction to "bad boys." I really think it is us developing our personalities, you get more integrated IF you are healthy as you get older. My present husband has a bad boy look (looks a lot like Kurt Cobain w/long blond hair) and he qualified as a bad boy back in his twenties, but now (in forties) he's actually another hard working perfectionist like good old dad . . . maybe some of us when young go for the bad boys to rebel against authority and conformity.

 
Old 05-22-2004, 12:11 AM   #14
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: connecticut
Posts: 88
ken1967 HB User
Re: Bad boys vs good boys

well im a very single 37 yo and ive always been the "good guy" and have been in relationships andhave been cheated on because the girl i was dating or engaged to said she was"bored" and wanted and needed exitement and theyd always either cheat on me with an ex who they bad mouthed while we dated,or met somewhere, im sorry if i seem a bit ticked off by this(cuz i am),lol but i think its just that some women feel that they need exitement 24/7 but then when these bad boys hurt them guys hear them say i wish i could find a good guy and then they do get bored and they fall into this cycle all over again, i guess its kinda like when women say men want a barbie doll type and the nice chubby chicks always get ignored but anyways i cant honestly answer your question because after 22 years of dating ive yet met anyone who can answer this question,lol,i just think part of it has to do with not realizing what really matters in life and relationships, seems too many shallow or materialistic people,both men and women,sure wed all love to be and have a hot,sexy other half, but life isnt really like the bachlorette or joe millionaire shows, some of us are just plain simple people ok im done ranting,sorry

 
Old 05-22-2004, 12:23 AM   #15
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: connecticut
Posts: 88
ken1967 HB User
Re: Bad boys vs good boys

i just remembered something a female friend of mine told me, shes in a very unhappy marriage cuz her husbands a great provider and a great dad but shes bored, she has cheated on him numerous times with badboys, she has a thing for men in uniform and she had a interesting point, she said alot of women go for these guys because they dont want anything serious,they want to party, or just have it be a sexual thing and this way neither the woman nor the badboy has to worry about commitments, also she said that alot of women are used to being hurt both emotionally or physically that its what theyve come to expect from men and when a good guy comes along, they think the guy is too good to be true and will eventually turn into a badboy, so i guess the post that said that eventually some of these women will grow tired of the badboys and will want a goodguy to settle down with but sometimes its too late and by then us goodguys are too old to want kids etc, so i guess you need to maybe get some therapy and until you truely want a good man you wont be ready or willing to accept a good guy

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
teen boys question!!! debbiep Men's Health 20 10-09-2007 01:11 PM
Boys will be boys Kiera1595 Parenting Issues 3 06-19-2006 07:04 PM
Any advice for mom of twin boys with ASD daisy272211 Autism Spectrum 5 10-07-2005 11:11 AM
Why am I so attracted to "Bad Boys"??? greeneyes100 Relationship Health 32 09-01-2005 03:19 AM
Is it normal for boys to touch boys? HELP!!! BSchultz Parenting Issues 5 07-08-2005 06:19 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:09 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!