It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 05-22-2004, 03:19 PM   #1
Newbie
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 1
spud220 HB User
Unhappy Attraction to spouse and aging

I would like to hear from men (and anyone else with experience) what is normal concerning attraction to one's mate as we age. My wife has gained a lot of weight, and, along with being past 50, has become rather unattractive to me. When I put my arms around her, I feel like I'm hugging my grandmother--not exactly a turn on. Is this a phase I'm going thorugh? (We're both 52.) How do other men deal with this? I can't believe there aren't a million men out there with fat, unattractive wives. I feel bad that I have these feelings, but what can I do about them? Oh, I also find myself yearning for intimacy with every young attractive woman I see. Pretty frustrating and doesn't make me feel very good about myself. Any helpful advice would be appreciated.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 05-22-2004, 05:47 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 3,190
Magnetic HB UserMagnetic HB User
Re: Attraction to spouse and aging

Some of this is normal, which explains the "male midlife crisis" syndrome. Men are naturally attracted to young, curvy women - it is all in the testosterone. The last thing you want to do is tell your wife she is fat and unattractive. See if she will start to go on walks with you, or go on a diet together with you. Remember that you are getting older, too, and may be thinking you are starting to look like Grandpa. Seek professional help to deal with this if you must.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 05-23-2004, 01:54 AM   #3
Inactive
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Western USA
Posts: 1,774
Ninispjc HB User
Re: Attraction to spouse and aging

Well, if you're Michael Douglas, Kevin Costner or Harrison Ford, you handle this problem by dumping your dumpy wife and marrying a 20-something chippie trophy wife. However, that may not be the most logical, realistic or ethical solution. You say you are no longer physically attracted to your wife. But do you still LOVE her? Is she still bright, interesting, funny, still the same girl you fell in love with? If so, you mgiht want to get active in helping planning meals, suggest that maybe it's time for both of you to start eating more healthy, getting a bit more exercise (but don't either of you start a whole new regimen without checking with the doctor first). Maybe for her birthday you could treat her to a day at the spa or beauty salon. And also find a way to be at peace with the fact that people grow old, and as they do, their metabolism slows, they gain weight, turn grey, wrinkle, get freckles and age spots, and the only way to avoid a wife that doesn't experience this to some degree is to marry a woman so much younger than you that by the time things start bagging and sagging on her, you'll already be dead.

 
Old 05-23-2004, 01:14 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 5,545
SophiaM HB User
Re: Attraction to spouse and aging

Nini, I LOVE your post. It's very insightful and humorous at once.

To the poster...I've seen some 50+ women who are still in amazing shape. That's because they take care of themselves, exercise, eat right, etc. But I'm sure your wife hasn't become this way overnight, has she? The best motivation to women is usually when they want to look good for their man. Criticism won't do it, but maybe if you suggest the two of you should join some kind of fitness center and exercise together, she might be more inclined to do it. You should also try to give her compliments about the way she looks; that will create a more positive self image and encourage her to try to be attractive to you. Hiking together is not only a great exercise, but a great adventure that can help you rediscover fun times. Don't forget that there are also plenty of young women who are overweight or obese. Age has not that much to do with it, in my opinion. Apparently, 2 out of 3 Americans are overweight. Scary statistics. And i don't think most have to be. It's just old habits that die hard. Is it only your wife's weight that bothers you, or the fact that she has aged in general?

 
Old 05-24-2004, 01:37 AM   #5
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 40
Elise57 HB User
Re: Attraction to spouse and aging

I know you asked for the opinion of men, but I am a 57 year old woman. We've been married for 36 years. What you are feeling is normal. My husband and I both both have to look "past some things." We are aging. But we have beautiful children and grandchildren to focus on. Count your blessings. There are so many divorced people out there, wishing they had someone to grow old with. We treat each other with kindness and warmth. We have earned each others trust. Those things are priceless.

Last edited by Elise57; 05-24-2004 at 01:38 AM.

 
Old 05-24-2004, 06:33 AM   #6
Inactive
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 551
Salinas1 HB User
Re: Attraction to spouse and aging

Aging does not have to equate to getting fat. I believe that one's general appearance and attention to appearance are a part of the package. Not too unlike behaviors and personality. When you select a mate, you select the package. In part, the selection has to do with appearance. If I select someone, I am looking for personality traits, behaviors, principles, values, and appearance. While we all age and cannot defy gravity. We can age gracefully. There is no compelling rule that states growing older means getting fat.

If my spouse were to gain 40 lbs, I would take this is a similar way that they significantly changed a personality trait or a behavior or a set of principles. To gain significant weight, to me, disrespects your spouse. I would not expect my spouse to look at me with the same eye of attraction that they did when I was 40 lbs lighter (medical reasons aside).

Out of love, we all accommodate the effect of aging on our partners. But I don't understand the mindset that says we have to pretend to like the looks of a significantly overweight spouse if that is not what we were attracted to in the first place. This is not superficial anymore than any other physical preference is superficial. If my spouse decides they want to dye their hair green, I don't have to like it and it may very well turn me off.

I think it unfair and disrespectful of a man or women to expect that their spouse would find an added 40lbs an easy thing to just place in the "we are just getting older" file. It seems the same as one or the other taking up a bad habit and expecting the other to just accept that we all change as we get older. You might choose to live with it, but you donít have to like it or respect it.

 
Old 05-24-2004, 07:09 AM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,589
GirlHarley HB User
Re: Attraction to spouse and aging

How interesting...I man wanting a "younger" woman because he's wife has gained some weight and is now unattractive.

Gzz, Where have I heard this before...YES, Michael Douglas, Donald Trump, and many real life men out there have done the same...Dumped their wifes because They, the men were aging and didn't want to face the fact.

I better lose my 15pounds I gained before my fiance dumps me.

OK, On a serious note...Without hurting your wife's feelings (if you haven't already) what is wrong with suggesting a Healthy eating Habit and join a gym together? Have you not gained any weight in your marriage? Have you loss any hair and are going bald? Does your wife still find you attractive?

Let's put it this way - say you stray, go find yourself a new YOUNG woman -
what's to say your wife will be hurt, devastated, lose the weight from YOU leaving her and instead of getting mad she gets EVEN with you ..By looking good and the Young guys will be after your wife?

Rent the Frist Wifes Club and see if You still find the Young girls attractive.

Last, There will always be Young Hot Girls Around - but, sorry sir....
You will continue to age as the girls get younger and beautiful...

 
Old 05-24-2004, 08:21 AM   #8
Senior Veteran
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 981
DonutsNCoffee HB User
Re: Attraction to spouse and aging

Here's one guy's opinion, though I'm under 30 and never been married. My feeling is that whatever expectations you have of your partner you should also be prepared to have applied to you. So if I expect my wife to stay thin, then I ought to do the same. I hate those men who expect their wives to stay thin and wrinkle-free while they themselves get beer bellies. But I think if you want your wife to try harder to maintain her looks, then one approach is to do the same. I know a husband and wife who both gained a lot of weight. The man started exercising and eating better and lost weight. The wife decided to follow his example. I have no idea why but the point is that if expect someone to adopt new habits, sometimes it helps if you set the example. It doesn't always work. I know women who workout all the time while their husbands sit at home drinking and watching TV. The model couples are the ones who adopt each other's good habits. So to the original poster, try exercising and eating healthy, if you aren't already. Maybe your wife will see what you're doing, see your results, and decide to change her habits.

 
Old 05-24-2004, 08:23 AM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 5,545
SophiaM HB User
Re: Attraction to spouse and aging

Aside from all the good advice given, I also recommend renting the movie "Something's Gotta Give" and watching it with your wife. It's very funny yet makes you reflect too, and it's relevant to the subject.

 
Old 05-24-2004, 08:26 AM   #10
Inactive
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 106
Blizzard45 HB User
Re: Attraction to spouse and aging

OK guy's perspective here. Women care less about our appearance than we do theirs. That's one of those major differences between men and women. Don't let women browbeat you for being who you are. Women leave men too, they just do it for different reasons and those reasons are not always very solid either. But I think you need to make sure you're being a good husband before you judge her looks too heavily.

It sounds like she's gained enough weight that it could be unhealthy for her. So with or without you she needs to work on her diet and excercise. If she was just homely it'd be different but she could have health problems from being overweight. Age and being married a long time is not an excuse to just let yourself go.

 
Old 05-24-2004, 10:35 AM   #11
Inactive
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: Attraction to spouse and aging

Quote:
Originally Posted by spud220
I would like to hear from men (and anyone else with experience) what is normal concerning attraction to one's mate as we age. My wife has gained a lot of weight, and, along with being past 50, has become rather unattractive to me. When I put my arms around her, I feel like I'm hugging my grandmother--not exactly a turn on. Is this a phase I'm going thorugh? (We're both 52.) How do other men deal with this? I can't believe there aren't a million men out there with fat, unattractive wives. I feel bad that I have these feelings, but what can I do about them? Oh, I also find myself yearning for intimacy with every young attractive woman I see. Pretty frustrating and doesn't make me feel very good about myself. Any helpful advice would be appreciated.
Welcome to the realities of life. This is one reason why older men go after younger girls but you have to accept the fact that this is going to happen. She may not be appealing to you but you both have been long enough together where that shouldn't really matter that much.

At that age there is not much you can do unless you have money for plastic surgrey. As we get older our bodies change and we have to adapt to it.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Spouse concerns jc111 Relationship Health 2 09-04-2009 11:47 AM
HELP!! spouse looking for support laur912 Parkinson's Disease 3 11-30-2008 08:54 AM
Physical Attraction...What Makes It "Click?" CandP Relationship Health 9 01-18-2008 01:26 PM
attraction degen95 Relationship Health 26 12-28-2005 08:29 AM
Why does there have to be attraction? gemma16 Relationship Health 13 11-30-2005 04:37 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:20 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!