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Old 05-22-2004, 10:07 PM   #1
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heart of gold HB User
:( communication in the hole

Hello,
my boyfriend and I have recently moved in together. It was really good for the first 2 months, but now we seem to be arguing alot about dumb things. I hardly see him very much, because we have 2 different work schedules. When I do see him, he's too tired to really talk or do anything. I have tried to talk to him, telling him that we need to start spending a little bit of time together again... and that simply being in the same room does not qualify as quality time. When we argue, both of us cannot see the arguement from the others perspective. I have tried to argue effectively, using alot of "I", but I cannot seem to stop him from becoming very defensive. He feels that I am trying to control him. I am not sure how to relay my feelings to him, without coming off as controlling. I am not telling him what to do.. I am telling him some of his actions hurt my feelings, and I would like more respect. Does anyone have any advice on how to communicate effectively. I am at a loss. I love him very much, but I feel that we are growing distant from eachother.

 
Old 05-23-2004, 05:37 AM   #2
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Mayoya HB User
Re: :( communication in the hole

I think your boyfriend is just trying to adapt to a new situation, living with someone that is.
So give him sometime, and I think eventually everything wiill be back to normal. Not only this, but you may discover new beautiful sides of being togther the more you share life minute-by-minute.

Meanwhille, if I were u, I would write him a note. You should write him a note telling him how u miss him and all the precious time you used to spend togther... a leave the note somewhere he has access too e.g. his closest, by his bedside... a flower with the note is always a bonus.
Good luck dear!

 
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Old 05-23-2004, 05:59 AM   #3
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marcen HB User
Re: :( communication in the hole

Hi, I can completely understand how you feel. My boyfriend and I also share an apartment but he works in a different town, so he is only here the occasional weeknight. He works monday to saturday 6am to 6pm everyday at least, then he goes to the gym. By the time he gets here it is 10 or 11 and he is tired and just wants to relax, not talk, have a back-rub, eat and go to sleep. When I complain he says I don't value the time he gives me, and that to him, all time with me is quality time...we are supposed to have sundays together, but lately he has been off with his friends or doing something else almost every sunday. I love him more than anything, and I know he loves me too but he is trying to do everything and squish me into his life too. It is very frusturating and I don't know what advice to give you because I am struggling with it as well. You probably argue more effectively than I do - lately I just get angry and we end up fighting. I am in 4th year university and have a zillion pressures on me, I just need him to be a little more supportive. I plan on sitting him down soon and telling him that a relationship is supposed to be about companionship and as it stands I am not getting any. We have sex maybe once a week now, and we are only in our early 20's! Anyway, just wanted you to know that you are not alone....goodluck!

 
Old 05-23-2004, 03:28 PM   #4
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heart of gold HB User
Unhappy Struggling

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Thank-you very much for the advice Mayoya. I have definitly done that, and I seem to have better luck with note writing. At least I can say everything that I really want to say, without having to worry about interuptions or anything.
Julia-Girl, Thank-you for your response. It feels very good to know that I am not alone with this. I recently just moved to a new city where I met my boyfriend. I haven't really gone out to meet people, and I think that has been having an effect on our relationship. I realize, the more we fight, the more he did not want to be around. I just did the sit down and talk thing with him. I told him something along the lines that, if he cannot find even just a couple of hours a week to spend with me, to maintain this relationship, then its not something I really want to do for much longer. It seems to have really made him aware of his actions. Please let me know how your relationship is going. Sometimes I think that avoiding eachother has to do with an underlying problem. Its good to get it out in the open. I know what you mean about the lack of sex thing as well. It really wears down your self-esteem.

 
Old 05-23-2004, 04:06 PM   #5
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: :( communication in the hole

Most men take criticism in a much different way than we do. If you point out a fault to a guy they somehow end up feeling like they are just an all around failure in your eyes.
Or as my SO would say, "I'm just a baaaaad husband" when all I've done is tell him he needs to stop leaving his underwear on the floor.
He's probably new at this living together stuff too and takes your comments/complaints as "failures" on his part no matter how you really meant them.
Can you find one or two things that are GREAT about living with him and really concentrate on them? Tell him about them, notice them, make him feel he's doing a pretty good job after all - Ten to one he'll be doubling his effort to get more of the "good talk" you're giving him.

Last edited by Ruth6:11; 05-23-2004 at 04:06 PM.

 
Old 05-23-2004, 05:15 PM   #6
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marcen HB User
Re: :( communication in the hole

Heart of Gold - I think it is really important to have your own life away from your boyfriend. I made the mistake of giving up all my friends so that I could always be available whenever he did have time for me. To me, spending time with him was more important....he is a lot more social than I am as well, so his friends are really important to him. Still, I don't think they should be more important than "us". I think what you told him was good. My parents always tell me that, as much as they love him, if he is doing this now (putting work and his social life ahead of us) it will only get worse later on when he is even more used to having me around. So I guess what we should both be doing is keeping ourselves busy and going out and having a good time as well, and seeing how they like it when we aren't around for them. My boyfriend has helped me out a lot, and, financially, he is always there for me if I need him (this is one aspect of my independence I refuse to give up!). I just want to be able to go for a long walk, or out for coffee, or to the movies once in awhile.
Hope you are feeling better and let me know how things go....I might try the letter thing also

 
Old 05-24-2004, 08:49 AM   #7
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eightball61 HB User
Re: :( communication in the hole

You are doing the right thing when you want to talk but for some reason he just doesn't want to talk it out. Knoow this can't play on the part to that he is still adjusting with living with someone. We don't know much about him but I am guessing this is the first time he has lived with another person.

If this is the case give thing time. You both do need to talk and maybe spend more time. I can't understand why he doesn't to. He may be tired from his work schedule but I am sure he can stick out 2 hours of quality time a day for when you both are together.

 
Old 05-24-2004, 10:59 AM   #8
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heart of gold HB User
Thumbs up Re: :( communication in the hole

Thank-you for the advice. It is definitly important to have your own life outside of the relationship, and I did make the mistake of being compeletly caught up in the relationship right off the start, and I did not really balance life very well.
He has lived with a girlfriend before, but it only lasted for 3 months. He found out that she was cheating on him, so he kicked her out. He told me during our talk that he feels vulnerable alot of the time, and he is trying to prevent being hurt again. I think that maybe because his past experience with his ex was very painful for him, he is a little bit more distanced in order to prevent the infliction all over again. I am going to start trying to give him more reassurance about how wonderful he is to me, and how much I appreciate him. There is so much negativity that comes with fighting, it might be pushing him away.

 
Old 05-24-2004, 11:06 AM   #9
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eightball61 HB User
Re: :( communication in the hole

Quote:
Originally Posted by heart of gold
Thank-you for the advice. It is definitly important to have your own life outside of the relationship, and I did make the mistake of being compeletly caught up in the relationship right off the start, and I did not really balance life very well.
He has lived with a girlfriend before, but it only lasted for 3 months. He found out that she was cheating on him, so he kicked her out. He told me during our talk that he feels vulnerable alot of the time, and he is trying to prevent being hurt again. I think that maybe because his past experience with his ex was very painful for him, he is a little bit more distanced in order to prevent the infliction all over again. I am going to start trying to give him more reassurance about how wonderful he is to me, and how much I appreciate him. There is so much negativity that comes with fighting, it might be pushing him away.
Well If he doesn't want to talk about it then try writing him a note explaining your feelings and that you want talk about things.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 12:56 PM   #10
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CoreyP HB User
Re: :( communication in the hole

heart of gold, you want to communicate with your boyfriend more effectively, its good that you are trying, I hope that he is. Can you give us one or two examples of some of the "stupid" things you fight about, and how that argument went. Maybe if we had some more specifics we could help more.

 
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