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Old 05-23-2004, 03:01 AM   #1
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Stolen_Soul HB User
Unhappy Abusive Or Not?

My name is Christine, and I am 19. I have been seing a man off and on for about a year and a half now. He's 57. I love him with all my heart, and he talks about moving in with me, and has even mentioned marriage. I'm constantly asking him not to, because I dont think he means it, and it always ends up hurting me. He has cheated on me in the past, and I'm now friends with his ex-girlfriend. Once we found out about eachother, we ended up getting along pretty well. Anyway, I would do anything for him. I love him, and need him in my life. My friends think he is abusive, because he constantly tries to regulate things in my life. He tells me who to talk to, what swear words i can use, what to wear, and when I can go out, and who I can be with. He accused me of sleeping with my pastor , and everyone else for that matter. He calls at certain times each day, and expects me to answer, and tell him exactly where I am at and what I am doing. I don't have a problem with that, but when I tell him where I am, he always has some comment suggesting that I am cheating on him. When we are together, he'll tell me to do something, (like turn off my cell phone) and if I try not to, and argue with him about it, I usually give in, because he'll say, 'I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL YOU AGAIN.' I hate it when he is mad at me, and I feel like I am being used for sex, and that I'm stupid for being with him. Like right now, we aren't seeing eachother because he swears that I tell his ex things about our relationship, and he needs time to 'cool off' because he is so angry with me. I never do anything to make him mad, and love him. Everyone says that I need to break it off with him, and stay away from him...but I just can't....what is wrong with me, and what should I do? I just don't think I can say good-bye to him. I feel like I might as well end my life if I can't be with him. I'm useless...I'm nothing without him.

 
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Old 05-23-2004, 04:50 AM   #2
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Mayoya HB User
Re: Abusive Or Not?

-I think this boyfriend of yours is acting more like a father not a boyfriend which is of course due to the huge age difference which should be a red flag telling you : YOU SHOULD RECONSIDER THIS RELATIONSHIP...

-I think you also need to work on your self-image and the way you percieve yourself, your relationship with yourself that is. Cause this "I am nothing without him" is a very bad sign. In a world where nothing and no one is guarnteed, you should be strong and independant...n never depend on someone for determing the way you feel or giving u hapiness and sastisfacion...

-if he keeps on abusing u, and if I were u, i would talk to a counsler...
good luck

 
Old 05-23-2004, 12:02 PM   #3
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Abusive Or Not?

Let's face the facts here, forget about "loving" him. You're not even 20 and this man is almost 60. He's cheated on you but accuses you of cheating on him, gives you orders, controls you, and cuts you off when he's angry at you. Just think logically, girl, use your BRAIN, for a change. Just the age difference alone is a huge red flag. So when you met him you were around 17 and he was 55. What man that age would ever get involved with someone who is practically a child? He is a control freak and an abuser, looking for a young, inexperienced victim who will obey his orders and treat him like a god. You would be a fool to stay with this old goat, when you have so much life ahead of you. Forget about marriage with him. Trust me, YOU DON'T WANT TO MARRY HIM! This "relationship" has no future and he is a very sick man. Stay away from him, quit cold turkey, that's the best way, and don't look back.

 
Old 05-23-2004, 12:52 PM   #4
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somuchbetter HB User
Re: Abusive Or Not?

i say move on there is someone better out there i promise, ur better than that find someone who treats u well. and is not a controling old man. sorry but face it. hes old as **** and ur still young.

 
Old 05-24-2004, 05:52 AM   #5
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maak823 HB User
Re: Abusive Or Not?

Dear Christine,
You are being controlled by this man- and this IS abuse. You need to get away from him, and stay away. You feel this way because he has been controlling your thoughts and telling you what to and what not to feel and think.

It will not be easy- he will not give up easy either, change your phone # and if possible, move to another location.

You are so young- and have a lot of years to enjoy life, with people who care about you.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Stolen_Soul
My name is Christine, and I am 19. I have been seing a man off and on for about a year and a half now. He's 57. I love him with all my heart, and he talks about moving in with me, and has even mentioned marriage. I'm constantly asking him not to, because I dont think he means it, and it always ends up hurting me. He has cheated on me in the past, and I'm now friends with his ex-girlfriend. Once we found out about eachother, we ended up getting along pretty well. Anyway, I would do anything for him. I love him, and need him in my life. My friends think he is abusive, because he constantly tries to regulate things in my life. He tells me who to talk to, what swear words i can use, what to wear, and when I can go out, and who I can be with. He accused me of sleeping with my pastor , and everyone else for that matter. He calls at certain times each day, and expects me to answer, and tell him exactly where I am at and what I am doing. I don't have a problem with that, but when I tell him where I am, he always has some comment suggesting that I am cheating on him. When we are together, he'll tell me to do something, (like turn off my cell phone) and if I try not to, and argue with him about it, I usually give in, because he'll say, 'I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL YOU AGAIN.' I hate it when he is mad at me, and I feel like I am being used for sex, and that I'm stupid for being with him. Like right now, we aren't seeing eachother because he swears that I tell his ex things about our relationship, and he needs time to 'cool off' because he is so angry with me. I never do anything to make him mad, and love him. Everyone says that I need to break it off with him, and stay away from him...but I just can't....what is wrong with me, and what should I do? I just don't think I can say good-bye to him. I feel like I might as well end my life if I can't be with him. I'm useless...I'm nothing without him.

 
Old 05-24-2004, 09:16 AM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Abusive Or Not?

hmm he's 57 & cheating Can you say sugar daddy.


Anyways, why would you want to move in or even be with a man that has cheated on you. Yes, he does abuse you in an emotional kind of way. You said that you love him but how can you if be has cheated in the past? Cheating is not love in my book, in my book he is using you for what ever your young mind wants to give up.

Move on and let another girl get caught up with this creep but not you.

 
Old 05-24-2004, 09:22 AM   #7
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maak823 HB User
Re: Abusive Or Not?

Very well said

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
hmm he's 57 & cheating Can you say sugar daddy.


Anyways, why would you want to move in or even be with a man that has cheated on you. Yes, he does abuse you in an emotional kind of way. You said that you love him but how can you if be has cheated in the past? Cheating is not love in my book, in my book he is using you for what ever your young mind wants to give up.

Move on and let another girl get caught up with this creep but not you.

 
Old 05-24-2004, 10:06 AM   #8
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Abusive Or Not?

Quote:
Originally Posted by maak823
Very well said

...lol Thank You

 
Old 05-24-2004, 10:23 AM   #9
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Re: Abusive Or Not?

Yes, he is abusing you! No question about it. Now get out while the gettin's good!

 
Old 05-24-2004, 03:06 PM   #10
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: Abusive Or Not?

Not sure I can add anything. I agree with what's already been said. He's excessively controlling and possessive, which is a form of emotional abuse. Your main problem is that you don't love yourself enough. You're only 19 and you're willing to throw your whole life away on this man who's practically old enough to be your grandfather, who had beaten you down so badly he has you convinced you are nothing without him. Well, he can only continue to keep you down if you allow him to. And as hard as it is to believe, you are only nothing without him if you choose to be. I suggest you should talk to someone you trust about this, get some impartial feedback. You may even want to talk to a counselor or therapist. Now's the time in your life when you should be dating around, enjoying being young, going to college, exploring your options. You're only 19 once. Don't blow it on this old foagie who is making you miserable, whether you can see it or not. The longer you stay in this situation, the harder it will be to recover from it.

 
Old 05-24-2004, 03:35 PM   #11
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Abusive Or Not?

I too agree with everyone's post.

ummm - what more can I add to this post? Let's see..
Eighball said Sugar Daddy..YEP, that sounds true.
Someone else said - Father type..YEP, that too.

Oh, your answer to your post/question : YES!

Please don't get upset with me or anyone who responded to your post and our answers..BUT.... You painted a pretty good picture of YOUR BOYFRIEND.

Question for you What does your family think of him?

Love him all you want...From afar. My neices ever date a guy who's 57 (older then their own fathers)...I would have a serious issue with this along with take them around where all the good looking YOUNG guys are (their age)

You got an established man who is set in his ways - You on the other hand have a Long Life ahead of you to establish who ever you want to be and have plenty of years ahead to set YOUR WAYS of how You would like your life to be - (not abusive and independently secure)

Please listen to everyone here.

Last edited by GirlHarley; 05-24-2004 at 03:36 PM.

 
Old 05-24-2004, 03:40 PM   #12
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Abusive Or Not?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
I too agree with everyone's post.

ummm - what more can I add to this post? Let's see..
Eighball said Sugar Daddy..YEP, that sounds true.
Someone else said - Father type..YEP, that too.

To funny GH and thanks for pointing those out for us lol

 
Old 05-24-2004, 03:51 PM   #13
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Abusive Or Not?

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
To funny GH and thanks for pointing those out for us lol
Thank...YOU...
57 and 19... What are these people thinking?

 
Old 05-25-2004, 05:52 AM   #14
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Abusive Or Not?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
Thank...YOU...
57 and 19... What are these people thinking?

Well this kinda goes into other threads about age differences being ok. Age differences are ok but only to a certain extent. When this girl was born he was 38 and almost over that hill...lol.

Now if this guy was a sensible man and treated her well my opinion would be a little different. But why would someone want to be treated like this? It doesn't matter what age.

 
Old 05-25-2004, 07:14 AM   #15
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Abusive Or Not?

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
Well this kinda goes into other threads about age differences being ok. Age differences are ok but only to a certain extent. When this girl was born he was 38 and almost over that hill...lol.

Now if this guy was a sensible man and treated her well my opinion would be a little different. But why would someone want to be treated like this? It doesn't matter what age.
True it doesn't matter what age abuse is abuse -
But, as far as the age...57 yr old man dating a 19 year female - that is an extreme age difference - aside from Tony Randall (may god rest his soul)

Picture a 19 yr old MALE dating a 57 yr old Woman - Not too many people can see this.

 
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