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Old 05-24-2004, 07:52 AM   #1
lme lme is offline
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need help w/ jealousy...

my boyfriend has tons of friends, including some girls. One of them is an ex from almost 10 yrs ago that he has remained friends with. In reality, she shouldn't be a threat to me b/c their relationship has been platonic for many years and she has had the same boyfriend for most of that time who she lives with.....why then does it make me so crazy when I even just hear her name that it causes fights that will eventually push my boyfriend away????

I suffer from depression and have low self esteem. I work on that w/ a therapist weekly. I have had boyfriends cheat in the past so there is definitely a trust issue I have to deal with.

I am 30 yrs old and this is the healthiest relationship I have ever had. He is so patient and loving and deals with all of my baggage but I am afraid that if I don't learn how to deal with this then I will lose him.

this is my first time ever posting on a message board. thanks for any help.

Last edited by lme; 05-24-2004 at 07:58 AM.

 
Old 05-24-2004, 07:57 AM   #2
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Re: need help w/ jealousy...

Continue to work on your self-esteem issues and talk frankly about them with your BF. Let him know that your jelousy has more to do with you and your issues than it does with his friendship with the ex.

He also needs to understand that even though it is your issue he can still do things to help like spend less time with the ex. If she is a true friend, the moment she knows you have a problem she should back off herself until you are ok with the friendship.

 
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Old 05-24-2004, 12:27 PM   #3
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Re: need help w/ jealousy...

It drive you crazy because you don't care nor want to hear about her. That is his past and his friend. Yes they had a relationship together but they both seem in very comitited relationships which means you have no need to worry. I don't dought why you worry because they were once together and I am betting that your feeling would be different if they never had a relationship.

Just a few questions to get a better understand I want to know how often you both hang out? & how often you would like to be with him? How often is he with his ex.? Do you all every go out together?

 
Old 05-24-2004, 01:06 PM   #4
lme lme is offline
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Re: need help w/ jealousy...

my bf & I have been together for 1 year. we went out as a group in the beginning of our relationship. she (the friend) was very possesive of her friendship w/ my boyfriend and was clinging to him the entire evening. even though her boyfriend was there I felt like I had to share my boyfriend with her. as our relationship progressed he talked to her and explained how I felt. she said she would back off and was sorry she acted like that. But honestly I was so angry from that first experience that I haven't given her a second chance.

he says he doesn't want to even mention her name b/c I make a face. which must be difficult for him b/c this is his friend. so over the last year he has barely hung out with her. until recently, they just went out to dinner alone to celebrate their birthdays. he said it has been a tradition over the years. I said I thought it would have been nice to start a new tradition and have the 4 of us go. I felt she should have suggested that and it just gave me one more reason to hate her. he said b/c I get upset everytime her name is mentioned he thought that would be that last thing I wanted.

their friendship is not going to end and I would be a bad GF to say I want it to. We have a very strong relationship and do communicate well when problems come up. but the arguments have been frequent since their dinner (2 weeks ago) and it is the same thing over and over....he feels angry b/c he doesn't feel trusted. and it is a mute point for me to to say I trust you...but I just don't like her. !?

 
Old 05-24-2004, 01:17 PM   #5
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Re: need help w/ jealousy...

Quote:
Originally Posted by lme
my bf & I have been together for 1 year. we went out as a group in the beginning of our relationship. she (the friend) was very possesive of her friendship w/ my boyfriend and was clinging to him the entire evening. even though her boyfriend was there I felt like I had to share my boyfriend with her. as our relationship progressed he talked to her and explained how I felt. she said she would back off and was sorry she acted like that. But honestly I was so angry from that first experience that I haven't given her a second chance.

he says he doesn't want to even mention her name b/c I make a face. which must be difficult for him b/c this is his friend. so over the last year he has barely hung out with her. until recently, they just went out to dinner alone to celebrate their birthdays. he said it has been a tradition over the years. I said I thought it would have been nice to start a new tradition and have the 4 of us go. I felt she should have suggested that and it just gave me one more reason to hate her. he said b/c I get upset everytime her name is mentioned he thought that would be that last thing I wanted.

their friendship is not going to end and I would be a bad GF to say I want it to. We have a very strong relationship and do communicate well when problems come up. but the arguments have been frequent since their dinner (2 weeks ago) and it is the same thing over and over....he feels angry b/c he doesn't feel trusted. and it is a mute point for me to to say I trust you...but I just don't like her. !?
I am sensing that they is really nothing going on between these to. Yes they did have a relatonship and that was 10 years back but they did something that most can't do and thats retain bestfriend status after the break up.

The 2 are great friends and I don't think your BF will allow you to break that barrier so you will have to learn to accept it. Know he has done all the good deeds like talk to her and she apologized and willing to back off. She is doing everything in her will to not to interfear but they will continue to best friend things like celebrate birthdays.

Jealousy is hard to get over and only seeing this action for a year will give you mix feelings but the longer you are together and the more you see her you will adapt to it.

 
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