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Old 05-25-2004, 05:50 PM   #1
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fredrolin HB User
never loved wife

I will try to keep this short.

My wife and I are both 40, we have an 8 year old daughter. My wife has a 23 year old son that lives with us rent free, but that's another issue.

Anyway I never have or do love my wife. Sure I care for her, she is a great person but the "in love" feelings have never been there.

The first year we were together we just partied and had alot of sex; nothing serious. I got her pregnant and decided to stick by her and raise our child together.

Now 10 years later I am miserable and going though a mid life crisis. We are very financially stable and have a comfortable life together, but the love is missing.

I have been thinking about leaving but it would hurt our daughter and I fear starting over again.
But then again I don't know if I can stay in this loveless marriage.

Sure it is easy for people to say "do the right thing and leave", but it's not easy at age 40 to start over and hurt your child. And at this stage of the game, will I even ever find love with another woman????

 
Old 05-25-2004, 06:03 PM   #2
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eightball61 HB User
Re: never loved wife

Wow.....

I don't want to be rude but be a man and not a boy. How could you marry a women because of a child. Don't say that you didnt because you said that you never loved her.

What is the point of marrying a person and teasing thier emotions and feelings when you dont love them. Marriage should be special thing where 2 couples love each other. yes, marriage can fall through but in this case you never loved her.

You need to leave know before you do anymore emotional damage to her. You say you don't want to leave because of your daugher but do what is right. If you split you can still see her. I don't suggest proceeding this mariage because of a child.

Last edited by eightball61; 05-26-2004 at 06:52 AM.

 
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Old 05-25-2004, 06:23 PM   #3
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fredrolin HB User
Re: never loved wife

I hear you man.

But after 10 years I have a whole life established; it's not easy to get up and get out.

And what else is out there for me anyhow ? at this point, nothing.

 
Old 05-25-2004, 06:27 PM   #4
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Jay232 HB User
Re: never loved wife

I think some of what eightball said is right. I mean, I see why you married her and it was a noble thing to do, although you pretty much just gave up your life for it. And as far as staying for your daughter goes... although it probably is the hardest decision you'd have to make in your case, it might be best for her. My parents loved each other but after they got married and I started growing up the love was gone. They argued and my mom kicked my dad out countless times and they JUST divorced last year.. when I was 15... so my advice is to leave because it might do your daughter more harm to grow up in a loveless home than it would if you divorced and saw her regularly. I'm sure there's no reason why you couldn't have joint custody or at least visits, is there?? Yes, it would be hard starting over at this point in your life, but look at it this way... you have a chance at finding happiness, do you want to take the chance, or stay where you are in your life???
Hope I helped!
*J*

 
Old 05-25-2004, 06:48 PM   #5
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Magnetic HB UserMagnetic HB User
Re: never loved wife

I disagree. Giving up your life to take responsibility for a child is, to me, an outstanding example of what a man should be. Boys run away their trouble - men take responsibility and accept what their actions have brought. You could have left and stayed single and continued living the life and having sex with lots of other women, but you didn't. My hat is off to you.

The child is the top priority, as she didn't ask to be born into this situation. It is not right to lead on your wife - if she actually loves you - but as you are the one who will lose rights in a divorce, I think it important for you to continue to bite the bullet and try to make the marriage work.

Especially in forced marriages, it is easy to think how much better life could be with someone else. If you have such a "comfortable" life with her, then maybe she really isn't so bad? Look at a lot of other marriages, where the people both thought they were in love, to see how they turned out. Maybe your marriage really isn't so bad. The only thing you have told us is that you seem to not like her son living with you rent-free, and that while you loved to have sex with her, you never came to love her.

Tell us some more of your relationship and how you think things would be if you got a divorce. What works in your marriage and what doesn't work. Love is a tricky thing.

 
Old 05-25-2004, 06:54 PM   #6
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fredrolin HB User
Re: never loved wife

thanks for the support.

sure my marriage isn't completely unbearable...but then again I am unhappy.

but as the old saying goes "the grass isn't any greener on the other side".

I guess I just yearn for that feeling of being in love........

 
Old 05-25-2004, 07:04 PM   #7
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Jay232 HB User
Re: never loved wife

I don't blame you... being in love is a great thing. But it is really how you feel about where you stand. If you're unhappy then maybe it is best to leave. Although you say your marriage isn't completely unbearable, maybe you should bring up how you feel with your wife?? I know it's prolly something you don't want to do, just a suggestion. I do feel like I said before that it really wouldn't harm your daughter that much if you left... she may not understand now but she will when she gets older, and as long as you both love her and are happy then she might not be hurt at all. And I do feel for you about starting over, but sometimes it isn't as hard as you may think. There are alot of men out there around your age that are single, and may be in a similar situation. I'm behind you all the way!! Good luck!!
*J*

 
Old 05-25-2004, 07:20 PM   #8
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SnowyLynne63 HB User
Re: never loved wife

The 23 yr.old needs a place of his own& a job.This may make a difference,talk to your wife about it ASAP!

 
Old 05-26-2004, 07:02 AM   #9
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eightball61 HB User
Re: never loved wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by fredrolin

And what else is out there for me anyhow ? at this point, nothing.

If you keep thinking that nothing is out there then you will be alone with nothing to have at all. You need to think positive. The world is huge and there is a lot more than you think out there.

I realize that it is hard after 10 years but what is the point of not of going another 10,20, or even 30 yrs of no happiness. Life should be to enjoy, sure we have down times or even days but non-happiness shouldn't go on for years. You need to do something and make a decision so you can live in peace and happiness.

 
Old 05-26-2004, 07:31 AM   #10
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mybody HB User
Re: never loved wife

My 2 cents:

You will never have that "in love" feeling in your marriage. You may find it outside of the marriage. How important is it to you?

As for your daughter, kids can pick up on things. I wouldn't want my child seeing that it is ok to be unhappy. I would think that happy parents would make better parents, regardless if they lived together or not.

One last thing - how does your wife feel? Does she/did she ever love you? Maybe a split would give you both another chance at happiness.

Hard decision, so give it plenty of consideration.....

 
Old 05-26-2004, 07:59 AM   #11
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Re: never loved wife

Sorry but just felt the need to chime in here.

A child is the wrong reason to get married and the wrong reason to stay married. You can be a huge part of your daughters life and still be fair with yourself and your wife. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for and they pick up on things. What kind of example are the two of you setting for her now? That it's ok to be miserable?

It's not fair to yourself or your wife to stay. Sit down and have a very honest talk with her. It will be hell and she will scream but after the dust settles maybe you can figure out a plan that is good for the both of you and good for your daughter as well.

As far as finding happiness after 40, I know a couple that are planning to marry and he is 43 and never been married. It happens

You never know, the two of you may talk about this and decide on counseling instead of divorce. I'm not saying don't work on it, I'm saying be honest with yourself and with her so you both have a chance to be happy and don't use your daughter as an excuse not to do what you need to

 
Old 05-26-2004, 08:09 AM   #12
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Re: never loved wife

I'm no expert, but maybe you should separate for awhile, or even take a trip somewhere by yourself for a week or two. Don't do anything drastic, like a divorce, right away. I mean, 10 years is a long time. And you never once mentioned that your wife was mean, treated you badly, cheated on you, spent all your money on Prada shoes, etc. Maybe you're just bored with her because she is a "good" wife and therefore quite predictable. You know where you stand with her. If you spend some time alone, you might come to miss her and appreciate her good qualities. Who knows, you might even realize you're in love with her after all. I recommend the movie "About Schmidt." The Jack Nicholson character despised his old wife and everything about her seemed to annoy him, until..well, rent the movie. At the very least you'll get a laugh out of it. If after, say, 6 months you still feel like your situation is unbearable and you're completely miserable being married to your wife, then I would say leave. But it's a huge decision that will affect many people so better be sure that's what you really want. How does your wife feel about you and the marriage? Does she have any idea you're so unhappy?

 
Old 05-26-2004, 08:18 AM   #13
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eightball61 HB User
Re: never loved wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
I'm no expert, but maybe you should separate for awhile, or even take a trip somewhere by yourself for a week or two. Don't do anything drastic, like a divorce, right away. I mean, 10 years is a long time. And you never once mentioned that your wife was mean, treated you badly, cheated on you, spent all your money on Prada shoes, etc. Maybe you're just bored with her because she is a "good" wife and therefore quite predictable. You know where you stand with her. If you spend some time alone, you might come to miss her and appreciate her good qualities. Who knows, you might even realize you're in love with her after all. I recommend the movie "About Schmidt." The Jack Nicholson character despised his old wife and everything about her seemed to annoy him, until..well, rent the movie. At the very least you'll get a laugh out of it. If after, say, 6 months you still feel like your situation is unbearable and you're completely miserable being married to your wife, then I would say leave. But it's a huge decision that will affect many people so better be sure that's what you really want.

About Schmidt~ very good movie and good example...gotta love Nicholson.

The problem Soph is that he never loved his wife even from the start. He did care for her but not in that "in love" way. If he went 10 yrs feeling this way I don't think that 6 months or taking a seperation may work.

When you loose feelings for someone its hard to regain them back and if one was to try to get them back I don't reccomend leaving for a while. The reasoning is that is you were away for 6 months trying to regain love back it will be hard since you are never around that person, don't talk much about feelings and emotions, or share work together. I know if I was away for any time period and gone I would meet up with new people and start enjoying that free life and have a fear that I won't be interested in going back.

 
Old 05-26-2004, 08:26 AM   #14
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fredrolin HB User
Re: never loved wife

My wife knows our marriage isn't the greatest and she basically knows how I feel. We have talked of going to conseling but keep putting it off.

My wife is a good hard working, trusting person. I am lucky she puts up with me.
But she is also very dominating and clearly the head of the household. My ideas and decisions on how to run the household and what we do are usually shot down.

I feel like I have no control over my life. It's as if my wife is the mother and her son, our daughter and I are the 3 kids.

I am not even going to get into the romance/sex issue except to say it is dead; I try hard to rekindle things but my wife is uninterested, stressed out, too tired or too busy.

 
Old 05-26-2004, 08:44 AM   #15
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eightball61 HB User
Re: never loved wife

Counseling may work but it has to be a joint effort to make it work. Another words you keep putting it off and you never been in love with her so it may just be a waste of time and money.

Your wife seems like a great person but you say you have no control in your life. That is because the marriage is tying you up. You are not in love and you want to be free. Yes, kids do put a halt on thing and they should come first but if you left you would have some good bonding time with you daughter and at the same time you will beable to have fun yourself.

Your wife doesn't deserve to have a life like this for the next 10 or 20 years. She needs to seek new ground on a man that will love her and want to make it work. This case you are not that man because you have no love nor willing to make it work.

You have done no wrong at this point but if you keep to her its not fair to the both of you. Get out and start a new thing over again. You will still have your daughter.

 
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