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Old 05-27-2004, 07:37 AM   #1
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kc_sunshine101 HB User
Advice needed....I'm a bad dater!

Hi. I am a 23 year old female and I have major dating issues. I had a "relationship" on and off for 5 years w/ a guy that basically used me for his convenience. I realy loved him and I just found out that he got married and has a kid. Yes, I started therapy. LOL! I was talking to my therapist and she said that I tend to "assume" things. I tend to think that because a guy calls me right away, that *must* mean he really likes me a lot and wants something more w/ me that just a fling. She said that I cannot do that because there is no right or wrong way to date. I guess I need to know how to not jump to conclusions so much and maybe the boys can give me some tips as to how to spot out the jerks from the good guys. I don't want to fall into the same trap again where I am putting WAY more into the situation than he is. Thanks!!

 
Old 05-27-2004, 08:03 AM   #2
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Advice needed....I'm a bad dater!

Hi. If it makes you feel any better, I also "assume" the same things as you, and I'm 9 years older than you LOL. So that qualifies me as a bad dater as well. It's only natural when someone pays a lot of attention to you to form an opinion that he's really interested in pursuing a relationship with you. Yes, I admit to falling into the same trap numerous times. That's because I'm a hopeless romantic at haeart and an idealist. When you have your heart open to falling in love, you automatically assume other people are the same way, right? Wrong. Some are, but others have agenda's that are far less noble than love. Some men will act that way for the sole purpose of getting you to have casual sex with them. How do you tell the bad prospects from the good ones? When you take it slow and don't give them what they want right away. Make them earn your trust and respect. The ones who are in it for their own selfish purposes will be too lazy to put any effort or patience into it. THey'll most likely move on to someone else quickly. But the ones who are serious about you and really like you for you, will stay and continue to date you and show consistent interest over time. Then you'll know. The first 3 months means NOTHING. I tell you, NOTHING. They all act great during that time because they are trying to get you into bed. Wait beyond that and you'll find out the guy's true character and motivations. Good luck to you!

 
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Old 05-27-2004, 09:35 AM   #3
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Advice needed....I'm a bad dater!

You may want a girls view rather than a guys to answer this. Guys today try to outsmart women and these jerks will try new techniques to try to get after you for one thing. One of the biggest things today is guys like to act this they are Mr. Nice guy which they are not. This does fool a lot of women.

In most cases its the you have to go with your gut instint and trial and error technique. Its sad that you have to go through a few jerks to get the right one but you'll finally get a good one. One other thing you could do is wait to give anything up. A real man can wait it out until you are ready.

 
Old 05-27-2004, 10:18 AM   #4
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DonutsNCoffee HB User
Re: Advice needed....I'm a bad dater!

I agree with the advice given already. The men who are just users don't wear a sign. They disguise themselves as nice guys. It's easy to get your hopes up when you meet someone. Us guys do that too. I know whenever I meet a woman, I hope she's a good person. But too often, I discover she's not. Finding that special someone is the greatest thing (or so I've heard), but it also requires taking a big risk with your heart. The best thing to do is to take things slow and build up the trust. If he's a good person, he'll wait for you. If he's just a user, he'll give up fairly quickly.

kc_sunshine huh? Kansas City?

 
Old 05-27-2004, 03:11 PM   #5
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kc_sunshine101 HB User
Re: Advice needed....I'm a bad dater!

Thanks for the replies so far!! And you guys make a lot of sense. The thing is that I feel realy jaded because of my ex and how he treated me. Yes, I could have walked away and I do regret that now. I just kind of tend to take it out on new guys and I am very guarded and distant. I don't want to be that way. But, your replies are great. They make a lot of sense.

Donuts - No, not from Kansas City. LA actually. My name is KC and my friend at work calls me sunshine. My birthday is 10/1. :-)

 
Old 05-27-2004, 03:43 PM   #6
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realguy HB User
Re: Advice needed....I'm a bad dater!

I think from a guy"s point of view ,Sophia said it best.Except for the 3 month thing ,
there are some guy"s ,who can wait many more month"s.
I know an older guy{28},who waited 6 months for an 18 yr. old.{virgin}
They can wait becuase there"s always a woman that will give them sex right away.
You can blame those women for some men"s point of view being that most woman just want sex.

 
Old 05-27-2004, 05:36 PM   #7
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Advice needed....I'm a bad dater!

Quote:
Originally Posted by kc_sunshine101
Thanks for the replies so far!! And you guys make a lot of sense. The thing is that I feel realy jaded because of my ex and how he treated me. Yes, I could have walked away and I do regret that now. I just kind of tend to take it out on new guys and I am very guarded and distant. I don't want to be that way. But, your replies are great. They make a lot of sense.

Ok...your ex. wasn't the best which you will learn from it. Its life and we all learn from mistakes. You are looking for advice to help you for the next guy but its hard to determine because you dont know how you will fall for. A lot of guys are jerks but you have to search them out to find the good guy. Save yourself and wait to see who stick around.

 
Old 05-28-2004, 06:31 AM   #8
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: Advice needed....I'm a bad dater!

Advice?
Baby, baby, let's get together.....
Do a little dance, make a little love
Get down tonight!

KC and the Sunshine Band...........But you already knew this.

Why do you say you are a bad dater?

You said you were with this guy, off and on for 5 years! Girl, you definitely need to learn how to spot the jerks much quicker or life will pass you by before you know it. But this is only one guy you are talking about. Try dating more than one guy without making any commitments, ASSUMPTIONS, or getting into a serious relationship. Don't jump into bed with anyone of them. If you think one stands out from the others, work on him, but don't be so quick to jump into bed with him either. Men by nature are competitive and like a challenge. Make the guy wait a bit. How long you make him wait is relative but if you wait long enough the jerks will stand out very quickly. The jerks will float to the top just like turds in a swimming pool. Easy to spot.

 
Old 05-28-2004, 07:45 AM   #9
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Advice needed....I'm a bad dater!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoop
Advice?
Baby, baby, let's get together.....
Do a little dance, make a little love
Get down tonight!

KC and the Sunshine Band...........But you already knew this.

Why do you say you are a bad dater?

You said you were with this guy, off and on for 5 years! Girl, you definitely need to learn how to spot the jerks much quicker or life will pass you by before you know it. But this is only one guy you are talking about. Try dating more than one guy without making any commitments, ASSUMPTIONS, or getting into a serious relationship. Don't jump into bed with anyone of them. If you think one stands out from the others, work on him, but don't be so quick to jump into bed with him either. Men by nature are competitive and like a challenge. Make the guy wait a bit. How long you make him wait is relative but if you wait long enough the jerks will stand out very quickly. The jerks will float to the top just like turds in a swimming pool. Easy to spot.
Hoop, this is great advice, and your metaphores are very original and amusing

 
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