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Old 05-27-2004, 09:47 AM   #1
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yinyang HB User
need an outside perspective

Hi all! I'm new to this board, but I've been reading thru previous posts & you guys seem to give good advice, so here goes....I have a gut feeling my husband is cheating on me. We've been together for 5years & married for 1yr. There are various reasons as to why I feel this, but the most predominant is our sex life. In the past 6mnths+, we have sex probably 2x per month tops. This is very odd b/c he is a very sexual person;I've tried to change this, but I find it hard b/c he acts as if he's not attracted to me anymore. He never gives me compliments anymore, we never talk;other than about who fed the dog & what I'm cooking for dinner. I'm starting to feel taken advantage of b/c we both work 40hrs per week, however I cook, clean, do laundry, walk the dog, buy groceries-everything. I have to ***** just to get the lawn mowed. He goes to work & comes home to play video games, and when I come home from work-he's playing his damn video game & talking into his mic w/the other person...he stops for 2secs to give me a kiss & goes right back to playing the game. No how was your day, How's it going-NOTHING. He will continue to play till he gets hungry-then I become important. Back to the cheating thing....When we first got together he admitted to me that he has cheated on EVERY girlfriend he has EVER had & has even bragged about how slick he was about it. Should have thrown up redflags at the time,but obviously it didn't. I guess after I look at our situation has a whole, I'm now thinking-what the hell makes me differant then all the other females he has cheated on??? Something just doesn't feel right. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

 
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Old 05-27-2004, 10:09 AM   #2
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eightball61 HB User
Re: need an outside perspective

He does have a history of cheating with past girlfriends but people can change. It doesn't sound like he may have though. You may want to try a search on this sign because there are post regarding cheating spouse.

Just a few things: Have you tried or talked about having mariage counseling? You need to find a way that he will communicate and be able to let you know what it going on. Who know this guy may not be cheating he could be just stressed about something.

Take a look though at those forums and post so it will give you some thing to look for. Hope all goes well for you.

 
Old 05-27-2004, 10:12 AM   #3
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fredrolin HB User
Re: need an outside perspective

even if he's not cheating, he is still treating you poorly.

maybe he is just bored with your relationship together; try to do some things to get his attention.

I don't go for the "once a cheater always a cheater" theory.
I was a real jerk the way I treated women when I was younger and I have since grown up to be a responsible trustworthy man.

 
Old 05-27-2004, 10:28 AM   #4
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elatedgiraffe HB User
Re: need an outside perspective

The lack of sex drive could mean he is cheating, however several other reasons may cause the lack of sex. You admitted that you two barely talk, other than the daily chit chat. He is interested more in his game than spending QUALITY time with you. If you think he is cheating you need more than a lack of sex to detirmine it. Are there any other signs? If not, he probably isn't cheating but rather bored with the relationship. Try and plan a romantic weekend getaway and bring up the issues you have about you putting more into this than him. Good luck.

 
Old 05-27-2004, 11:26 AM   #5
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DonutsNCoffee HB User
Re: need an outside perspective

Well I happen to believe in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" theory. My apologies to any men here who think they're the exception. But as far as your husband, I don't think the behavior you're seeing means he's cheating. He's definitely taking you for granted, but a lot of husbands do this after the honeymoon is over. They get so used to the wife being there that they don't put in the effort anymore. At a minimum, I would tell him that it bothers you and that you feel he's taking you for granted. Do that soon before you let your suspicions build up too much.

 
Old 05-27-2004, 11:51 AM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: need an outside perspective

Quote:
Originally Posted by DonutsNCoffee
Well I happen to believe in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" theory. My apologies to any men here who think they're the exception.
I believe in that theory to a certain extent. As an example, I never cheated in my life nor ever want. If it was to happen I know I would be very guilty and I would have to tell her rather than hide it. I don't expect to make a carrer out of it.

What I am saying is there are some trueful guys out there that won't do it again but the majority does. Thats why after the cheating process it should take a lot of time to regain that trust and monitor your lover.

 
Old 05-27-2004, 12:02 PM   #7
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Re: need an outside perspective

mememe...i'm one of those women who have been cheated on and hoping they don't do it again...so far so good...

but what i was going to say is, there are many posts on here regarding cheating and there is even one about video games...you should do some browsing and check them out...

you should also talk to your hubby about ways to add the flair back into your life...about the same time my hubby cheated, we were in the same rut as you...we barely talked, barely saw each other, i did everything around the house, and his video games were his best friends...all of these issues should be addressed separately....make it a point to sit down and talk about your days together EVERY day...give him boundaries when it comes to video games...tell him that he HAS to help around the house...make him realize these things without making him go into defensive mode...

and back to the flair thing...my hubby have been coming up with ways to put the passion and fun back into our lives...we play board games every weekend and we make them interesting (strip monopoly etc)...and we try new things all the time together...like a couple of weeks ago we decided to see how many days we could make love in a row...lol...that was fun...

i also just started a new thing with hubby a few weeks ago...i give him a back massage every friday night and he repays me in whatever way i want...i don't ask for a repayment, but he wants to make me happy too...

i hope this helps a bit...i know i tend to ramble at times
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Old 05-27-2004, 12:03 PM   #8
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eightball61 HB User
Re: need an outside perspective

Quote:
Originally Posted by excaliburgrl

i also just started a new thing with hubby a few weeks ago...i give him a back massage every friday night and he repays me in whatever way i want...i don't ask for a repayment, but he wants to make me happy too...

I like that & will give it a try

 
Old 05-27-2004, 12:11 PM   #9
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excaliburgrl HB User
Re: need an outside perspective

oh jeff, it's a very nice way to end the week...if you get the lotions, make sure to pick up a heating one...it gets warm when you rub on it and hot when you blow on it...hubby said it's very relaxing...
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Old 05-27-2004, 12:18 PM   #10
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caregiver HB User
Re: need an outside perspective

I tend to agree with "once a cheater, always a cheater." However, from what you have posted it doesn't sound like he's cheating. Here are some signs to look for.

1. Consistantly late home from work
2. unexplained withdraws from accounts
3. Not being where he said he would be or who he would be with.

I'm lucky, I've only had one bad experience and I divorced him early in my life. At the very least,(as the others have said) he is taking advantage of you and you need to discuss this with him and or a counsleor

 
Old 05-27-2004, 12:32 PM   #11
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eightball61 HB User
Re: need an outside perspective

Quote:
Originally Posted by excaliburgrl
oh jeff, it's a very nice way to end the week...if you get the lotions, make sure to pick up a heating one...it gets warm when you rub on it and hot when you blow on it...hubby said it's very relaxing...
You gave me a great idea for friday night also Thank You

 
Old 05-27-2004, 12:34 PM   #12
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excaliburgrl HB User
Re: need an outside perspective

no problem...have fun...and if you think of any other good ideas, let me know
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Old 05-28-2004, 09:12 AM   #13
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mybody HB User
Re: need an outside perspective

Hi!

I, too, don't think he's cheating on you. BUT he is cheating you in your marriage.

I agree that you should try to talk to him about what makes you unhappy. You certainly deserve to have help around the house, in addition to being treated as someone interesting.

No one should be taken for granted - it stinks!

Unplug the video game & sit him down for a good, long talk!!!!

 
Old 05-29-2004, 11:01 AM   #14
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yinyang HB User
Re: need an outside perspective

Thanks everybody for your responses-I will definately check out the other posts recommended. I'm a passive person & he's see's this & definately uses it to his benefit. What prompted me to post the original post is what happened the night before. He had come home from work, & took a shower. Odd thing is, he had taken a shower that very morning-which could be understandable b/c he has a job that causes him to get dirty occasionally. But something was up with the way he was acting, made me suspicious so being the detective that I am***and please don't think I'm psycho here***I checked out his boxers after he showered to look for "evidence". Well, the crotch was wet & the inside of the legs were wet like he had tried to wash something out. OK, may he spilled something on himself, but his shorts were dry. K, well next day "whatever" he was trying to wash off didn't completely come out. I should have confronted him about it-but didn't know how to go about it. I really just want to hire a pi or something that way I know an answer for sure & I can just move on with or without him.
I really do love him & I want things to work, I've brought up counselling, but basically he's said no way no how. Of course from his point of view, he probably see's now problem..I mean ****, he's having his cake & eating it too-why would he want to change??

 
Old 05-31-2004, 11:58 AM   #15
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eightball61 HB User
Re: need an outside perspective

Keep an eye on his movements or actions but like I said, you don't have any hard evidence on him. If you feel things keep slipping then its time for that talk and I really suggest counseling to maybe get things back on track.

 
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