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Old 05-28-2004, 10:05 AM   #1
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GirlHarley HB User
Smile Newlywedgurl - HELLO!

Hi Newlywedgurl -
How are you? Haven't seen you on. How is your husband?
more importantly how are you doing? I miss your posts.

 
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Old 05-28-2004, 10:27 AM   #2
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Newlywedgurl - HELLO!

Hey GH! To be honest, I am really struggling. Such a rollercoaster....

I have good days and bad days, of course. Yesterday morning and the night before I felt great. But as the day progresses, my anxiety takes hold & I usually end up a nervous wreck. I got home last night from work and had a long cry...felt a bit better afterwards.

I've been trying to go to Alanon meetings. Some of the things are ok, but it really goes against the grain of me and my psych background. I am trying to find a counselor in the area that can help me out a bit....All this "detach yourself...what the addict/alcoholic does should not affect you" well....I think that's a bunch of b.s. personally. Because it DOES affect me. It affects all of us. And I don't want to have to live my life "detached" from my husband. That is not a marriage at all, IMO.

I'm trying to stay positive and optimistic, but it's so damn hard. I've been in touch with Mike, the program director pretty regularly. Monday he said they are "guarded, but optimistic." I'm supposed to talk with him again today at 1:00. When DH called last night, he said Mike ran their small group yesterday & that our relationship was the topic of discussion. DH said that Mike asked him what was up with he and I. Dh didn't share much. He said that "It is none of those other people's business and they have their own problems." He told them that in a nutshell, I am doing what I feel I need to do and he is doing what he feels he needs to do. And that when he gets back, we've got a lot to work on and it will be hard, but he thinks we will have an awesome marriage. I don't know....I would rather him have had to fess up to everything. Not for the embarrassment aspect. More for him to have to face everything. He said everyone went into their sob stories about how their relationships are so farked up, blah, blah. He said he asked them how long they had been doing this to their significant other. Apparently most of them were like "This is my third/fourth/seventh time in treatment." He informed them that this is his first and last.

I had called his counselor Tuesday b/c Dh had said he requested to meet with him one-on-one. I called the counselor to see what he met with him about and how he was doing since he didn't sound very good when I spoke with him. The counselor said he would call me right back. Ten minutes later, he did. But he had Dh in his office.....an apparent "surprise" conference call. He wanted to know at least ONE thing that I wanted them to make sure that they addressed while he was there. I didn't feel prepared to do all of that, but tried to participate as best I could. TOld him Honesty would be a good starting point. (Duh) He wanted me to be more specific. I was like "Ummm, I don't want any more lies....how much more specific can you get about honesty." Long story short, he was basically wanting me to set boundaries that I have not even had a chance to decide on yet. I didn't feel it went very well and ended up in tears. He left so Dh and I could talk for a few before they finished their session. Dh picked upthe phone and said "It's OK to cry, baby." His counselor turned around and told him "You can't tell her what is OK and what isn't."

I wasn't pleased with that, simply because I appreciated the validation. Rather than him trying to get me to stop crying or telling me why I Shouldn't cry...he was more or less accepting the fact that I was upset...something I have asked him for again and again. I thanked Dh later and told him that I do appreciate all the validation he is giving me. He told me last night that I have balls of steel to still be here going through all of this. TOld him I can't do this again. He knows that though.

 
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Old 05-28-2004, 11:14 AM   #3
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Newlywedgurl - HELLO!

Hi - I'll read your post in a few minutes and respond-I have company.
I'm glad you responded back cause I'm thinking of you.

 
Old 05-28-2004, 01:08 PM   #4
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Newlywedgurl - HELLO!

Oh Newlwedgurl - I so totally understand.

Hard as it may be - you love this man and committed yourself to him but not his dirty habit. Your Anger has set in. Your hurt & tears will drift away and the anger will see you through. What I mean is the storm that hit you hard, youíre now accepting what DH is and wonder what future you can or will have with him. Of course you can not accept what has been, what has happened, and what may happened should he leave rehab, come home clean, only to start his habit again. You will not know and there is no guarantee.

The only guarantee is for what you want for yourself. It's not a matter of who is stronger or weaker it's what you want to expect for yourself.
You can tell DH that should he take up his habit again this will not be a life for you to lead and he will choose the course of your marriage not you. Let him know your hurt is now anger - that's if you want. If he can't understand that tell him You can't understand him and his habit. Sounds so simple and it can be once you have done your crying, hurting, anger, disblief, and what you have now learned.

Don't know if you caught Hallie Berry on Oprah the other day. My god - that actress is so beautiful and from what I saw gave a wonderful interview.
Her husband who she is divorcing because he is a Sex Addict - she said she had no clue to his addiction and through the tabloids learned that he cheated on her, she went on to say she was going to sue the paper but then her husband fessed up - then she thought, OK - one affair I will try to get through this - well...it wasn't one affair - it was hundreds affairs and they went to Counseling but she said she couldn't get pass the hundreds of affairs
or how to trust him again. Now, who the heck would cheat on Hallie Berry -
Beautiful, Talented, Rich, and a Killer body! Funny when she mentioned if her husband had a drug addiciton or Alcohol should would stick it out and help her husband - but the affairs were way too much for her. She said she still loves her husband so much but could no longer trust him in her life.

Well if she only knew what it's like to love a drug addict or alcholic maybe she would also state something differently. It's not easy to love these men - but we do and we never stop loving them - We stop living with them because it's too painful to watch someone you love so much destroy their own lives - your just there for the ride.

It's still early for you to decided which way you wanna go, your emotions will be the key to your decision - should you feel once your DH treatment is done and divorce is your course of the way - You will always still love your husband - that there is no doubt but you don't have to love his habit and all the crap that comes with it...

I'm thinking of you pal and here for you....

 
Old 05-28-2004, 01:26 PM   #5
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Newlywedgurl - HELLO!

Thank you GirlHarley....I feel like I'm a trainwreck or something. Everybody stops to look, but doesn't want to respond. I kinda feel like everyone thinks I'm contagious or something.....no one talks to me anymore.

 
Old 05-28-2004, 01:42 PM   #6
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Newlywedgurl - HELLO!

Quote:
Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
Thank you GirlHarley....I feel like I'm a trainwreck or something. Everybody stops to look, but doesn't want to respond. I kinda feel like everyone thinks I'm contagious or something.....no one talks to me anymore.
OMG, sweetie not is so not true...LOOK, some people just don't have the words to say and some just don't understand what your going thru. Don't blame them, and certainly don't think yourself either. Gzz, if I had posted my boyfriend was a coke addict but I love him and he needs help - what would your response be? GET OUT..sure the simple answer that everyone thinks is so easy - It's not EASY - The men loves you and you love him - there is no abuse or disrespect it's a disease that can or can not be cured but it's the addict that needs to cure it not YOU.

IN time you will understand that aspect - You fell in love with this wonderful man who treated you just the way you have always wanted to be treated and along the way a disease surfaced - you weren't looking, you weren't searching, and it's not what you want - but you want your man back -
Give it time - because you do have it, what the heck else are you going to do? Your ****** at DH and love him too - bites doesn't it.
Your aloud to feel to you know - like you said good days and bad days, your rollercoaster ride - You will be off of it soon when DH comes home, you now know of his disease and he now knows you won't live with it.
Trusting will be the hardest part - but maybe you can. I'm on your side and want to see you come thru this with a positive ending -

You need to start living again regardless of where your DH is today or tomorrow -

 
Old 05-28-2004, 01:51 PM   #7
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Newlywedgurl - HELLO!

Newlywed, don't give up. I'm sure people just don't know what to say, but that doesn't mean that they view you in any different way. If anything, you deserve even more respect and admiration, because you are handling everything so well. Besides, I think at least things are on the right track. Your husband is getting help, he agreed to go away to a clinic to get the best treatment possible, so he seems definitely serious about it. He could have made excuses or lie to you and use the drugs behind your back, but he's not. So, as long as the situation is improving, I would not despair. He's still so young, and it's really good this came to light so early on. I believe he can beat this, he's not so deep in at this point yet. I personally distinguish between "addiction" and a "disease," to me they are two different things, but it doesn't matter for the purpose of this discussion. Hang in there, you're doing great, and will do great no matter what the outcome.

 
Old 05-28-2004, 02:54 PM   #8
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Newlywedgurl - HELLO!

Thanks ya'll....I guess I'm just having a pity party......

At least you are all invited!

 
Old 05-28-2004, 03:07 PM   #9
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Newlywedgurl - HELLO!

Hey, I always say if you're gonna have a pity party have a damned fine one!
Thanks for the invite, I always check in on you but thought you had too many friends!
You are one of the most gracious people I have met in a long time...
We ARE friends, you have plenty of them here - don't worry about the rest of 'em, ok??

 
Old 05-28-2004, 03:10 PM   #10
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Newlywedgurl - HELLO!

Quote:
Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
Thanks ya'll....I guess I'm just having a pity party......

At least you are all invited!
Its not a pity party...You are going through a rough time right now with all of this happening and we are here to through out support like you do when we go through these phases. Things will get better within time...As my great grandfather used to say " We all face tragedy but there is always light at the end of the tunnel that will bring you back out"

Stay real and positive...we are here for you

 
Old 06-01-2004, 07:00 AM   #11
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Newlywedgurl - HELLO!

Ruth...you are a doll! And thank you Eightball, Sophia, and GirlHarley! All of you are such wonderful individuals!

 
Old 06-01-2004, 08:10 AM   #12
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Newlywedgurl - HELLO!

Quote:
Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
Ruth...you are a doll! And thank you Eightball, Sophia, and GirlHarley! All of you are such wonderful individuals!
Your welcome - and don't forget Your a wonderful individual too.

This board has been a blessing to me as well as to many others out there.
I am not the type of person to venture out on the computer and meet total strangers, offer advise that may or may not be good - I have made some "friends" on this board who have saved me from boredom, loneliness, and spending tons of money at the mall while I'm laid off seeking employement.

It has also given me some laughs, gotten me mad on how people treat one another in relationships, has also brought back some of my own memories good and bad, things I have buried from the past to know we are all human and all seek the same thing - PEACE and a loving relationship. All the crap that goes along with it - it's nice to know we share a common interest to help one another and we are here for you.

I don't mind Pity Parties and sometimes it's a good venting solution for lifes troubles when you just can't control what's going on....

Hope you had a good weekend - had some fun / just for a moment to get away from your troubles.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 08:08 AM   #13
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promisez HB User
Re: Newlywedgurl - HELLO!

Quote:
Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
Thanks ya'll....I guess I'm just having a pity party......

At least you are all invited!
My computer got fried weeks ago, just picked this new one up today...but can I be invited anyway even if I'm kinda late? And just in case you forgot...if no one told you they love you today, I do. I've missed you so lets see if HarlyBabe and I can get a smile from you.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 08:17 AM   #14
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Newlywedgurl - HELLO!

There you are, Promisez--Welcome back! I was wondering what happened to you.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 08:24 AM   #15
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promisez HB User
Re: Newlywedgurl - HELLO!

Thanks Sophia, a pleasure to see you again also. Spent the last few weeks worried about newlywedbabe but managed to save 600 bucks to get a computer as soon as I could to make sure she was ok. Of course, we all know she's worth every penny and a LOT more than that. Rent can wait 2 weeks but priorities are in order as far as I'm concerned

 
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