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Old 05-29-2004, 09:27 AM   #1
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Germany
Posts: 54
greatgirl HB User
Hurting so bad and don't know how to act

Hello all, sorry if this turns out 2 b long, I am very desperate. I have this bf of 8 months now. started out rough already, but I always hung on,to tell myself that I didn't give up just like that and tried everything to make this work.
Right from the beginning he was short tempered. could not handle stressful situations very well, it just got worse to this day, and even worse now, because he takes all his aggravation out on me suddenly treating me loveless, pulls back affection or tries to find something to critisize about that I did or said.I tell him, that he should not let stress or temporary trouble get the best of him always and let him lose focus on me, he says I overreact completely and have to learn how to deal with it.
Things we fight about right now seem to put this relationship to an end.

Few months into the relationship he asked when we would stop using condoms, when I always told him I dont feel that at ease yet and he should give me time.
The reason why after 8 months I am still not ready or feeling secure enough 2 stop the condoms is simply because he often suddenly does something that hurts me bad, slacks in showing as much affection as he did before and then leaves me confused and wondering of course, jumping to conclusions why he would do something like that.
When we argue,& I tell him something he does not want 2 hear, he says, he will hang up now& talk tomorrow he is not wanting to talk now. Most of the times it is when I came to him with a concern of mine, a fear he provoked by 1 of the things he did. I poured my heart out to him, sometimes under tears, and he still wanted to hang up, knowing I am on the other end in worries and feeling left alone. He had a surgery some weeks ago and I took 10 days off to be with him and nurse him (he lives in a city four hours from me), i was sick myself and in pain but still made the trip down there and was there for him. He can always count on me and I always show him my affection and love and a billion ways. But to me it seems, he just wants to pay full attention, affection and love whenever he is in the mood for it, and not as a mutual thing.

He is stationed in Germany and has the option to stay longer, which was the word and the promise he gave me from the beginning, because I then said that after his extended time here is over, I would come with him back to the US. Then, three weeks ago, when there was an argument on the phone he blurted out that he thinks about not extending and going back. He knew I didn't not feel ready or secure enough yet to move back to the States with him, considering also that I have never been to the States and always been in Germany only, plus I would need the security of being able to work in the US if I move there, and I would not be allowed to work there without being a spouse, talking of that, we are far away from being readyto marry, we didn't even live together yet. That is what I told him, and that is where he loses understanding. We had a big fight about that and I told him, that I hear that he wants to leave Germany next year with or without me and that I just have the option to see this as a limited relationship and be prepared for him to go. Next time I visited him, he dramatically held me and sobbed that he does not know what has gotten into him, he sometimes loses his head, and I should hear his words, he will extend his stay in Germany, he promises! Well, now, these past two days, when we have these arguments on the phone again, he says I am not committed to him, because I would not give up my life here next year and just come with him no matter what. Of course that showed me that what he promised me again was not meant honestly.

To be continued...

Last edited by greatgirl; 05-29-2004 at 09:32 AM.

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Old 05-29-2004, 09:30 AM   #2
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Germany
Posts: 54
greatgirl HB User
Re: Hurting so bad and don't know how to act

when I nursed him, took care of him while he was sick, he was having bad mood swings again, he had those before, he just cant control them and takes his moods out on me, being totally aggravated and unreasonable about things, ,and when I finally break down under it, because I can not take it anymore, he tells me I am overreacting. Like the other day, I went to buy groceries for us, he was in a good mood when i left, complimented me on the way I look and all. When I got back to the house, I found him on the kitchen floor scrubbing it, cussing and being on his knees, when I told him to stop doing what he does, because he was still fresh out of surgery, I hugged him lovingly from behind, trying to make him stop and pull him up to stand up, but he ignored me, barking at me, that the house is so filthy and a mess, he can't stand it no more. (He was exaggerating, it was not filthy at all), I told him to drop things and let me do it, when he threw in my face, that if I offer to do it now I could have done it earlier anyway, while he was still sleeping but I seemed too busy getting ready and get dolled up for the supermarket. That was so mean! He had this evil look in his eyes. Kept running around, getting cleaning items, cussing "dammit and ****", I felt so helpless and tried to talk to him about the way he is right now and why he said such things to me, keeping in mind that I woke him up with a beautiful breakfast that I brought to his bed, which he didn't want to eat in bed, because he found it difficult to eat there. He was complaining about me letting him sleep way too long, and I simply replied that he is sick and that is why I let him sleep as much as possible, because it is known that sleep is a healer. He didn't want to hear all that, I was so mad that my eyes teared, I am sure he saw it but he ignored my hurt and turned around to use the vacuum, I suddenly felt like a stranger in that house, I just ran out and went to the nearby park there, sitting on a bench, not knowing what to do, if I should go back to my city the next day. He didn't call me on my cellphone to see where I was, and being in this town that is not my hometown I didn't know where else to go so I returned to the house, with the secret hope he would have already waited for me, worried and sorry for his aggressive unfair breakout. When I returned, he laid on the couch playing x-box, not minding getting up or saying anything, so I started packing my stuff for the next day. Somehow we began talking, he hugged me and said its all good, but acted like he forgives me. Well, after another heated discussion, where he constantly repeated that he won't be the one taking the blame for everything all the time, he begged me not to leave and that he is so sorry, he didnt mean it the way he said it and he needs me. So I stayed and was disillusioned.

The following days were somehow not the same anymore, even if we had a good time, it was interrupted by him being stressed or aggravated about something. When I went back to my town the day before yesterday, I spent four hours in the train, and usually he called from time to time to see how I was doing and tell me that he misses me and loves me, but he didnt call the whole time, even though I have sent him a textmessage, I had no reply. So when I arrived, I told him that I can tell, by little things he does or does not do, over time, that his efforts are decreasing and he is not into this as much anymore as it seems. But the funny thing is, whenever I felt that he is pulling back or neglecting me, I automatically and naturally did the same, not to be a fool and prevent from being hurt, then he suddenly complains why I don't do this anymore or that, not noticing or wanting to hear that he was the first who stopped it and it was just a reaction from my side. Because you start feeling stupid after a while, if you keep throwing all your energy and effort into it, and there is only a third of it coming back.

He has so much trouble and problems in his life, and I always was there for him, to listen, support, troubleshoot and make his life more comfortable. But he obviously forgets about all that so fast. When he tells me I am not fully committed to him, he means because of me not sleeping without a condom and because I am not going to the States with him all of a sudden. He says I so easily get insecure about little things, when I just get insecure about his motives when for example he is out with some guys, telling me he will call at a certain time and then he doesnt call me untill hours and hours later, me already worried and wondering why he is suddenly like that. At the very beginning, our relationship started out being this way that we call us very often, (and no, not only from my side), whenever we went somewhere, we were still available to the other, we told eachother where we are going, there were no secrets or anything, we felt so relaxed with that. Me getting pleasantly used to that pattern, of course then I would be thrown off track if suddenly it's different or he does something that does not fit into the usual way he is. That is what cause my insecurities. But all he says is that he is tired of being told that it is his fault all the time, his exwife did that enough and he has it, (now he overreacts, because I never told him that he is to blame for everything all the time, whenever I did something wrong, I apologized and did my best not to let history repeat), he feels like I want to tell him what to do and will be ****** if he doesn't do things the way I want him to. Which is so wrong and mean to say, because I accepted him for so many things that came along with him, two children that now live with the mother, his ex that he constantly still fights with and has trouble with, him having it tough at work, as he put it, acting like he is the only one having unpleasant times at work, he was never a fashionable dresser, and I never gave a damn about it, when he always says, he worries about being dressed good enough for me, I always tell him not to worry, it is the least thing I worry about as long as his inner self is shining out the way it was, then he worried about his weight and he wants to look good for me, I always built up his confidence and pointed out his best assets and that he will get better for himself if he wants to, because I am not complaining or seeing any reason to at all.

Well, when I got back to my town, I told him or rather asked him on the phone, why it is that he is allowed to pull back his affection all of a sudden while I do nothing but good things out of my love for him and then I am not allowed to speak up about that, and then when I do the same he comes unglued and tells me "ahhh, figures, now you pulling back again". That question rippled into a deep argument, where he told me if I ever thought about that I might cause him being this way, I asked him, how, by giving you my best always and always be there for you and everything I did so far? He said that he sees that we will never reach the trust or security level I talk about, because I let things he does insecure me so fast and how would it be in the future, if we had a tiff, I would back up again and if we ever stopped the condoms I would then make him use them again because I don't trust him anymore? I said, that he doesnt even let it bloom that fully, to become that stage of that deep trust, like not letting a tree fully grow so it can stand the storm, he keeps trampling on the little blooming flower and is still expecting it to grow fully despite everything. He said, if I was as committed as I claim already I would not act like he was poisoned inside and still wanting to use condoms, that is an indicator for him that I will never want to trust him or fully committ and that I want to set my rules to be followed by him, like live together first to feel out premarriage and then be married and then go to the States, why does it have to be my way, why not like he wants it, that shows him I am not committed and he feels we will never get to that stage. And trying to tell me that his less affection or attention sometimes stems from him being unmotivated because he sees no progress! I was really shocked when he said that, because then I told him everything we went through and what improved and all the things that were good, that is progress, some smaller, some bigger, and he just focuses his "definition of progress" on the things mentioned from his side.He told me yesterday, that he is scared of where we are or where this might be going, he feels like this ship is going under and there is no stopping it. There is a stopping it, but I know he doesnt want to hear the ways of stopping it. I already compromised so many times with him and can see now that he is not willing to compromise with me. Besides things I wrote, he told me many other weird things where he stereotyped me in the worst way, although already knowing me for a long time and thinking things of me that I never thought he would, I already asked him, if he thought such things about me, why would he stay with me and why not break up already, when he says: Because I love you. I come to think that he is just used to me, that is all, and he doesnt want to be alone, but his spark and love for me wore off some time ago, or else I ask myself how he can do or say certain things to me. On the phone today he asks if I miss him and think of him, and I say of course I do, in his tone I hear that he expects me to say: I love you so much, lets not fight, you are right, I am too sensitive and overreacting with things, I will do as you wish. I hear that he wants to "train me that way". He is irreconciliable. It sounds now as its his way or no way at all. I would really like your insight here and I am totally confused and a mess now, can't stop crying and always hang on to the good things I had with him, but the bad things overcloud this so much now and I am at my wits end.

Last edited by greatgirl; 05-29-2004 at 09:33 AM.

Old 05-29-2004, 10:16 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 5,542
SophiaM HB User
Re: Hurting so bad and don't know how to act

After I finally got through your VERY long and detailed post, I have two things to say:

1. It sounds like a torturous relationship, the guy is immature, unpredictable, and unreliable, with his moods changing at the drop of a hat, running hot and cold, all over the place. He will drive you crazy over time. The best thing you could do is to stop this insanity and find someone who can give you more affection and is more reliable and emotionally stable than this guy.

2. Whatever you do, DO NOT stop using the condoms. It is highly suspicious that he so adamantly insists that you stop using them. Trust me on this one, don't take ANY chances, especially with someone like him. Personally, I think these days one should stop using condoms ONLY with a husband/wife. Don't let him convince you otherwise. You are very smart that you insist on using protection.

Ultimately though, I don't think this guy is for you. How can you be happy with someone who is putting you through an emotional rollercoaster all the time? Just imagine life with him 5 or 10 years from now, if he remains the way he is now (and chances are, he will; people don't change easily).

Old 05-29-2004, 10:28 AM   #4
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Germany
Posts: 54
greatgirl HB User
Re: Hurting so bad and don't know how to act

Sophia, thank you for your reply, I know, everything is telling me to end this immediately, I find it so hard to let go and don't know how to convince myself.
Another thing I am afraid of is, when I end things he would get mean and nasty and that I would maybe have to fear him. It needs to be mentioned here that two years ago I had a relationship with someone bad and when I ended it he harrassed and threatened me, stalked me up to beginning of this year! I am scared that this repeats and think of a "smooth" way out. Thinking of just letting it slide to the point where it just ends, without any hard feelings, if necessary, pretending to want to stay friends.
I just miss the wonderful things we had and am stupid enough to not focus on the bad things he does.
It's so sad for me to see that he probably just pretended to be what he thought I wanted to see and now is tired of faking.
I know, I will wind up not wanting to see him ever again, also because there is no hope for it anymore. It just hurts so bad...

Old 05-29-2004, 01:18 PM   #5
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 68
annebash HB User
Re: Hurting so bad and don't know how to act

Man, Im seeing these posts so often on this board lately...Once again, what I always end up saying in response is: HE IS SELFISH!!!!!! The world revolves around this man. The only thing running through my head as a read this post was "and you stay in this because???" He doesnt do anything to reciprocate the attention you give him. I hate to generalize, but these kind of people (male or female) are a dime a dozen, and in my personal experience they dont change. Self-centered, immature, impulsive (temper tantrums-from my 2 year old they are fine, but i would never tolerate this from a grown man!) wants for some reason to get you pregnant (probably so he feels like he can control you even more) and hopeless!!! When you see these words: controlling, impulsive, selfish, RUN!!! Im not going to say much more on this. Your post was very detailed and long, but you didnt even need to get into all of it, the writing is on the wall. Ive seen this a million times before, I know for age 27 I sound a bit jaded but been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, blah blah blah. You are capable of finding someone who is caring and attentive, so why dont you?

Old 05-29-2004, 01:19 PM   #6
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 68
annebash HB User
Re: Hurting so bad and don't know how to act

Also, about leaving him, I had to do this with a similiar man, and it got ugly, but in the long run was well worth it. Luckily he was more bark than bite, but man was I scared!

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