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Old 05-29-2004, 10:48 AM   #1
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venezolanita84 HB User
Unhappy Am I obsessed??? Dont know what to do or feel??

Hello everybody... I am very depressed today.. Well what happened last nite was real bad, I found out that my ex boyfriend of 1 1/2 yrs got married, I was very upset when I found out, be cause we only broke up a couple of months ago, Because he didnt feel like he wanted to be in a relationship with anybody at that time, I was at a party when I found out, I got my car keys drove off and got into an accident, not a real bad one thank God , but still is just wasnt my day/or night.. I dont know what to do, if call him n let him know the way I feel, or if I should just let it be, I mean he is already married It just upsets me soooo..I care so much about him, not a day goes by when I do not think about him.. I lost it to him too, shortly after that (3months) he decides to break it off, I don't know if he left me cuz he just wanted to sleep with me, or if he didnt have any feelings for me or if he just left me cuz of the way I look.. I really dont know what to do, or think...I feel worthless, what do u think about all this??

 
Old 05-29-2004, 11:17 AM   #2
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elatedgiraffe HB User
Re: Am I obsessed??? Dont know what to do or feel??

I'm so sorry to hear that your ex-boyfriend got married. The way you found out is awful. Unfortunately, this is a common story. A couple can be together for years, then break up, and within months one is married. I was with an ex-boyfriend for 4 years. Within a year after our break up he got married to someone else and had a baby girl. It was hard and I know exactly how you feel. I don't think it is wise at all for you to let him know how you feel. What would that do? It would make you more vunerable and its not like hes going to leave his new wife for you. I know you care about him alot, but the hard truth of it is that he got married to someone else. Don't question yourself and think you are worthless. He moved on with his life. Now its time for you to move on with yours. Whatever reason he broke up with you does not matter because he has moved on. It is natural to think of him often. I know the pain you feel. When I found out I cried for days, however the fact that he moved on made me realize it was time for me to move on. I am now in a relationship with a great guy who will make a way better husband than my ex-boyfriend anyway. It is going to be painful and it is okay to feel all the feelings that you have. The only thing is that you can't beat yourself up in the process. All the "what if's, how, why?" thinking will only drive you crazy. Just know that you are not the only one who has ever gone through this. All I can say is it sucks, it hurts, but eventually you will heal. Take it one day at a time.

 
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Old 05-29-2004, 07:08 PM   #3
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Re: Am I obsessed??? Dont know what to do or feel??

Oh, I know exactly how you feel. This happened to me as well. This man I was with and lived with, for over four years...he always kept saying how much he loved me and how I was "the love of his life," but somehow he just couldn't get married, despite the fact that I was a really sweet, pretty girl back then and he was a man 14 years older than me. He did propose eventually but it was only his knee jerk reaction to keep me from leaving. Anyway, long story short, after I finally realized this wasn't going anywhere and moved out, he started dating someone only a couple of weeks later. Guess what: he married her and all his former theories about believing "in relationships but not in marriage" somehow didn't matter anymore. So, yes, I do know first hand how much pain and oh god, HORRIBLE, GUT WRENCHING pain it is to go through it. I wish I had a happy story to tell you about me finding my soulmate shortly after, but I don't. I am still single, five years later. The two boyfriends I had after him were jerks and just stabbed me even deeper. BUT, having said that, what can you do? NOTHING. Naturally, it's horrible to realize that the guy who claimed to not want any serious relationship with ANYONE suddenly turns around and marries the next b*tch he meets. However hard it is to face, the reason why he broke up with you was just an excuse. So, by that token, he didn't love you enough and wasn't the right man for you anyway. I know, easier said than done, but it's true. I am now convinced that my ex fiancee did not love me enough, despite his constant declarations of love. You will get through it. I'd rather be by myself than with someone who doesn't love me enough. Screw him. When you meet someone who TRULY sees the beauty in you, you won't have to second guess yourself and he won't be making lame excuses. It will happen, one day, and when you do meet the guy who truly loves you like no other, you will see that what you had with the ex cannot even compare and you'll be GLAD he married someone else.

Last edited by SophiaM; 05-29-2004 at 07:15 PM.

 
Old 05-29-2004, 09:02 PM   #4
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DoOoOoM HB User
Re: Am I obsessed??? Dont know what to do or feel??

Good advise sophia...though I believe it's gonna take some time for her to recover, but it will eventually pass. Keep yourself busy and don't give up because I guarentee you'll meet that someone who will have the courage to say "I do."

 
Old 05-30-2004, 06:55 AM   #5
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venezolanita84 HB User
Re: Am I obsessed??? Dont know what to do or feel??

Thank you sooo much for your advise guys, I tried in some way to make this a positive thing and see the good that can come out of this, I will take some time for myself, no guys, just take care of myself, exercise, be healthy, concentrate in school and work and hope for the best, but your advice Helped a lot, Now I know that I am not the only person that has ever been thru this and I wont be the last.

 
Old 06-01-2004, 08:19 AM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Am I obsessed??? Dont know what to do or feel??

He's a jerk. That break off was just an excuse to leave the relationship. I am sorry to hear what you went through and I am glad you are ok from the accident but don't let this guy get to you. He is old news and what you need to do is move on and find someone that cares for you a lot more than this creep did.

 
Old 06-01-2004, 09:59 AM   #7
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: Am I obsessed??? Dont know what to do or feel??

I'm glad you've gotten some good advice, V. I'm going through something very similar myself so I know just how hard it is. My ex broke up with me because we weren't "compatible" enough, then he turns around and marries a woman with many qualities he said he would never want. Go figure. I know, it hurts like no other hurt I've ever experienced. But I don't recommend contacting him or telling him how you feel. I wish I could give you some good advice on how to get all that crappy stuff you're feeling now out. It's been a long time for me, 6 years post-break up and 1 1/2 years since his marriage, and I'm still a total mess over it. People tell you to "move on" with your life, but it's hard to figure how to do that, or even just what it means. Move on to what? I've dated, I've done my best to keep active, follow my passions, travel, dive into work, nothing makes the pain go away. I think it takes more than just time. It might help to make two lists: one of all the things you're going to miss about the relationship, and one of all the things that hurt you, annoyed you, bothered or troubled you about the relationship. I'll bet you the second list will be much longer. Just do your best to learn from the mistakes you may have made in the relationship, take this opportunity to grow and become a better person for the next lucky guy who gets to date you. Forgive him for everything crappy he may have done to you to the extent that you let go of the anger. If you hang on to the anger, you'll hang on to your feelings for him and never get over him. Hopefully with a little work, a little getting reacquainted with yourself, and time, you'll start to feel better. Good luck to you.

 
Old 06-01-2004, 11:10 AM   #8
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Am I obsessed??? Dont know what to do or feel??

OK, it happened to me too -

I was seeing a guy off and on for years - I loved him and really thought we would be great together - "I" shared many of the same interests that he liked, his family loved me and too thought we were a good match - Only person who didn't think we were a good match was him. Red Flags were everywhere - but I had this insane reasoning that 'I" could make him see what a great match we were. redflags redflags redflags they were everywhere - and I ignored them all - I kept breaking up with him because he would not commit like "I" wanted him to - but...I always went back for more punshiment (to myself of course)

I love the term he used to use on me - to keep that piece of thread hanging over me - that he wants to get married someday - but I kept missing the key word - Married to ME! I allowed him to keep me in the wings - only to finally wake up and smell the coffee and end it again with him - BUT this time....
He really did end it, meeting a girl like one week later and marrying her 6 months to the day they met. SHE was nothing like me and everything he was totally against - They have been married now for 6 years and have two kids - that's all I know and all I care to know. I don't dwell in the past anymore about I stupid I was and what I fool I was - The redflags were there but I so chose to ignore them.

I'm sorry about your accident and how your feeling - try to start looking to your future whatever that may be. YEAH, you'll be hurt for awhile and so many thoughts will go through your head, deal with them till you can't no more. Don't look back at the past except the learning experince that has graced upon you and try to start looking to your own future.

Hope this helped alittle....take care.

 
Old 06-01-2004, 11:20 AM   #9
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excaliburgrl HB User
Re: Am I obsessed??? Dont know what to do or feel??

yes, take time to focus on yourself...i often wish that i woulda gone thru school and stuff before marriage, but luckily i don't have kids so my dream is still reachable...not saying it's not when you have kids, but very very difficult...

i'd forget the guy and move on to greener pastures...
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Old 06-08-2004, 08:28 AM   #10
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venezolanita84 HB User
Re: Am I obsessed??? Dont know what to do or feel??

thank you sooo muc for all of your adivce it has really helped, IM doing much better now, and I dont want nothing to do with him, he did make me more unhappy than bring joy to me, so what makes me think it be any different for that gurl h married?? IM just glad I wasnt the one getting married, cuz I wasnt ready for that anyways..Focus on school and myself I guess.. I am also taking some time off, And Ima go visit my family back in my country, IM hoping it helps with all of these..

 
Old 06-08-2004, 08:51 AM   #11
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Am I obsessed??? Dont know what to do or feel??

Quote:
Originally Posted by venezolanita84
thank you sooo muc for all of your adivce it has really helped, IM doing much better now, and I dont want nothing to do with him, he did make me more unhappy than bring joy to me, so what makes me think it be any different for that gurl h married?? IM just glad I wasnt the one getting married, cuz I wasnt ready for that anyways..Focus on school and myself I guess.. I am also taking some time off, And Ima go visit my family back in my country, IM hoping it helps with all of these..
Its good to hear that you are doing much better

 
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