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Old 06-02-2004, 08:01 AM   #1
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When is it okay to move in together?

Okay, My boyfriend and I have been going out for a month. He is 23 and I am 28. I have a 10 year old son from a previous relationship. Right now I live 3 hours away from my boyfriend. My boyfriend lives in the town that I grew up in. Where all my family is. My hometown.

Rewind back to September. That is when my ex and I broke up. In September I seriously started thinking about moving back to my hometown. I just didnt see the point in living 3 hours away from my family anymore. And I really dont have many friends where I live now. Basically I was just lonely and wanted to get back around my friends and family. Plus where I am now, I live paycheck to paycheck and am having a really tough time financially. But I just kept putting it off because I was in school and didnt want to quit. Now I am on a break from school. so there is nothing keeping me here anymore.

Okay, back to present. Now that I have met this guy from my hometown I really want to move back. He is great with me and my son and I really have strong feelings for him. But he wants me to move in with him when I do move back, and I am not sure I am ready for that step. He brings up some good points though, saying that if I live in my own place, he will either always be there or I will be at his place. And that it would be dumb to pay rent for 2 places.

I guess what I am getting at.... is my biggest hangup... my son. I guess that I am scared that if things dont work out between me and the bf, that it will break my sons heart and I will have to move him again. He had a hard time when me and my old bf broke up. With having to move and stuff. I have tried to explain this to the bf, but he just says that he is in this forever and that he wants to marry me and be with me forever. I just dont know for sure what to do. I feel like I really need to protect my son. Or am I just being dumb?

Sorry this is so long and confusing.... But any advice would be great!

 
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Old 06-02-2004, 08:23 AM   #2
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: When is it okay to move in together?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LostInLove
I just dont know for sure what to do. I feel like I really need to protect my son. Or am I just being dumb?
NO! NO! NO! You are being the opposite of dumb. You are using your intellect and intuition to protect your son. You should be commended for this not feel guilty.

Okay, LostInLove, you are asking for answers to a very direct question, so I will give you mine. You move in no sooner than when you have a ring and a date and that date is no farther down the road than six months. Your son already showed you how he feels about you bringing men in and out of his life. You new boyfriend is jumping way too fast and has no clue what damage can be done to a young boy that sees his motherís men come and go.

My frank and uncomplicated advice is to find yourself a modest place within your means and stay apart from this new man until there is not even the slightest hint of doubt about marriage and commitment. You do not move in while in the process of learning about someone or "feeling your way" through the process. Especially when you have an impressionable son as your first priority.

Do not fall for any excuse that the new fellow gives. His first priority is his convenient access to you, not you son's long term health and happiness. Stay apart until the date is set and your son can count on this man being in his life for the rest of his life.


Sorry, GirlHarley, I know things have worked out for you, but I believe you are the exception to a very good rule.

Last edited by Salinas1; 06-02-2004 at 08:25 AM.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 08:41 AM   #3
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Re: When is it okay to move in together?

You both have been only together for a month. He is 23 and trying to start a family life and thats why he is good to your son. You are 28 and allready learned from some of the harsh realities to life. He wants you to move in so soon because his thinking that you are the one but this relationship is way to premature to figure that out.


This is why you are thinking of you son. You don't want to move and figure its not going to work. My best route to go is move back but get on your feet first with a job, apartment/house, your son, and your relationship. You need to sepnd more time in this relationship and closer to this guy for you to determine if you want to move in.

This guy lives 3 hours from you and I am guessing you don't know much about his living standards or how he even reacts to certain stuff. Get your life situated first and figure out what you want from there. Don't rush..

 
Old 06-02-2004, 08:58 AM   #4
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Re: When is it okay to move in together?

Well thank you Salinas Ė but actually, Iím on the same page with you and was going to suggest to the post to hold off Ė You, said it better then I could have. Your post was very good and to the point.

I donít want to sound like a hypocrite either Ė I was seeing my boyfriend for 6 months when he mentioned buying a house together.
We were both older me being 37 at the time and he 38 Ė
I spoke to my son who at the time was also 10 years old as the post and asked him if he was comfortable with the new relationship, buying a house, and living together. My son was all for it. My boyfriend privately spoke to my son and asked my sonís permission to marry me, then when my brother visited me my boyfriend asked my brother permission to marry me to without my knowledge of any of this. Then he spoke to me about marriage.

I do agree that making a commitment of living together with an S/O while children are involved sends mixed messages to them. Donít do it for financial reasons, donít do it because you want to try it out before marriage, do it because itís a commitment of leading to marriage, and a stable environment for yourself and child. Again, I must be sounding like a hypocrite because Iíve been engaged now going on 4 years and still havenít set a date due to financial reasons Ė but the only financials reasons for myself is the future of my sonís education to college. My son knows this and knows he will always be my first priority in any of my lifeís decisions till heís out of college. It has worked for us but I didnít know it, we can not predict the unforeseen future of our decisions when children are involved and trying to have a relationship. All I can say is to speak to your son, listen to him, give him the confidence and security that he is and always be your number one man in your life.

If your son says no and is uncomfortable with it then please don't do it.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 09:13 AM   #5
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Re: When is it okay to move in together?

I know that this guy is only 23 and he is young, but let me go into a little more detail here. My last relationship lasted for 7 years. This guy was the only father figure that my son has known. But the funny thing is, my ex never had time for my son. He was always to busy to play catch, to busy to play soccer, to busy to play video games. That was always an issue in our relationship. Most of the reason why things finally ended.

My new boyfriend..... he has all sorts of time for my son. Granted we have only known each other for a month, but he has played basketball with him, took him to the shooting range for target practice, has taken him fishing. Spent the whole day just doing guy things with him (with me not around) He just really wants to be a part of our lives and I think he is sincere. He has already told me that he wants to be married to me within a year. We just click with each other. I never believed in love at first site, but I think that I have found just that. I am so happy with him. We have spent many hours on the phone talking and so far we have spent every weekend together and a few days during the week.

I have told him my concerns when it comes to my son. He looked me in the eyes and promised that he would never hurt either of us. Now I am not naive and I can see through people. And I really believe that this guy is the one for me.

I probably wont move in with him right away, and I want to establish myself first.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 09:17 AM   #6
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Re: When is it okay to move in together?

thank you harley

I am definitely going to talk to my son about it.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 09:19 AM   #7
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Re: When is it okay to move in together?

More importantly - What does your SON think of your boyfriend? What does your son think of living with your boyfriend? What have you told your son?
How does your son feel about mommy and boyfriend kissing? sleeping together?

Was your exboyfriend of 7 years the father to your son?

 
Old 06-02-2004, 09:26 AM   #8
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eightball61 HB User
Re: When is it okay to move in together?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LostInLove
I know that this guy is only 23 and he is young, but let me go into a little more detail here. My last relationship lasted for 7 years. This guy was the only father figure that my son has known. But the funny thing is, my ex never had time for my son. He was always to busy to play catch, to busy to play soccer, to busy to play video games. That was always an issue in our relationship. Most of the reason why things finally ended.

My new boyfriend..... he has all sorts of time for my son. Granted we have only known each other for a month, but he has played basketball with him, took him to the shooting range for target practice, has taken him fishing. Spent the whole day just doing guy things with him (with me not around) He just really wants to be a part of our lives and I think he is sincere. He has already told me that he wants to be married to me within a year. We just click with each other. I never believed in love at first site, but I think that I have found just that. I am so happy with him. We have spent many hours on the phone talking and so far we have spent every weekend together and a few days during the week.

I have told him my concerns when it comes to my son. He looked me in the eyes and promised that he would never hurt either of us. Now I am not naive and I can see through people. And I really believe that this guy is the one for me.

I probably wont move in with him right away, and I want to establish myself first.
I understand on how great he is and its nice to have someone like that. But there are a lot of people out there that will impress at the begining of a relationship and latter turn out what you never exspected of them.

What I am saying is take your time when you move. Get to know him more by spending more time at his place. You did mention you have family there so maybe someone can take you in for the time being.

You want to make the right decision and not the wrong. Who knows...This guy may be the good guy you always wanted but you need to take things one step at a time.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 09:27 AM   #9
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Re: When is it okay to move in together?

I'm with Salinas on this one. Don't move in with a 23-year-old boyfriend you've known for only a month. I would not advise you to move in with him at this point even if you didn't have children, but having a child makes it even more obvious. One month=four weeks. What makes you think that this young man you've known for four weeks is ready to be a father figure to your son? It's way too soon to determine if your relationship is "forever" or not. I would not involve a child in it. Live separately while you're dating and figuring out if this man is indeed "the one." The ideal would be to move in after the wedding. Even with engagement, there's no guarantee it will actually end in marriage. I was engaged too and so what? I did not end up married to him. And we lived together for years. You might say your situation is different and you might be right, but taking a risk like that when you've only known the man for one month, and he's still quite young and who knows is he's ready for such a big commitment, would not be wise. Just my opinion. Get to know him WELL, take your time, see how he is around your son and how the relationship develops. Good luck to you.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 09:44 AM   #10
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Re: When is it okay to move in together?

Everyone.......

You are all right. I was just reeling from everything that has been going on for the past few weeks and needed some good sound advice to ground me. I am definitely going to take this slow. There is no reason for me to rush into anything right now.

In response to GirlHarley:

My son absoultely loves my boyfriend. He is always talking about what they are going to do the next time he sees him. I havent discussed living with my boyfriend to my son yet. I wanted some advice first. My son has never seen my bf and I kiss and he definitely doesnt know that we sleep together, probably because we havent yet. I have only known him for a month. And my ex is not my sons father, and he never really acted like it either. My sons birth father is god knows where, all whacked out on drugs. Havent talked to him for 10 years and dont really care to.

I forgot to mention earlier, if we did move in together it wouldnt be until the end of Aug or after. But we arent moving in so that really doesnt matter.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 09:52 AM   #11
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Re: When is it okay to move in together?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LostInLove
Everyone.......

You are all right. I was just reeling from everything that has been going on for the past few weeks and needed some good sound advice to ground me. I am definitely going to take this slow. There is no reason for me to rush into anything right now.

In response to GirlHarley:

My son absoultely loves my boyfriend. He is always talking about what they are going to do the next time he sees him. I havent discussed living with my boyfriend to my son yet. I wanted some advice first. My son has never seen my bf and I kiss and he definitely doesnt know that we sleep together, probably because we havent yet. I have only known him for a month. And my ex is not my sons father, and he never really acted like it either. My sons birth father is god knows where, all whacked out on drugs. Havent talked to him for 10 years and dont really care to.

I forgot to mention earlier, if we did move in together it wouldnt be until the end of Aug or after. But we arent moving in so that really doesnt matter.
Your making the right decision for yourself and son for now. Who knows come August, 6 months down the road or a year. GOOD for you that you met this nice guy who is becoming a role model to your son. Glad to hear your son likes him alot - but then again...Any man who can play with a child and give a child attention in a positive way - What child wouldn't be drawn to him? You have a good head on your shoulders, you are thinking about Your Son first. Have one of those hallmark moments when your out driving with your son or taking him to school and without him knowing it, question him about his feelings towards your boyfriend and what his thoughts were if you were to marry him or live with him - MY best conversations with my son is always in a car - good luck to you and your son.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 09:57 AM   #12
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Re: When is it okay to move in together?

My bf and I moved in quickly mostly because I was in a big financial bind and he wanted to help me out. We are still together after 9 months and we get along great, but I we went through some big issues that could of been prevented if we had waited to move in together. I think there is a natural process that develops before you move in. If you move in too soon, you interrupt that process and encounter things you normally wouldn't. It can work, it has with me, but it's a lot more work and stress. I'm glad we live together now and I am very happy, but there were times where it was very difficult. Remember, everyone is on their best behavior for at least the first 3 months. Good luck!
Just wanted to add that I have a 14 yo, and that can be the most difficult part of blending as a family quickly. The child may like the person, but it's a big adjustment that they have no way of predicting how they will feel or react until the bf actually moves in.

Last edited by desertdweller; 06-02-2004 at 10:01 AM.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 09:58 AM   #13
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Re: When is it okay to move in together?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LostInLove

I forgot to mention earlier, if we did move in together it wouldnt be until the end of Aug or after. But we arent moving in so that really doesnt matter.
Well when you move back play it by ear and see how thing go for some time. If you feel that things are going great come November or December then try moving in and seeing how that works.

You both will need to move in together eventually down the road if this is going to be a long term thing because you both need to adapt to each others habit. But get to know the man a little more for the time being.

You mention that this guy live in your home town. Do you remember him from school? or is there anyone that you know that knows him?

 
Old 06-02-2004, 12:29 PM   #14
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Re: When is it okay to move in together?

When I say hometown I mean the area around where I grew up. The town where I am from is very small (250 people) and the town that he grew up in is maybe 5000. So I consider it my home area I guess. This is kind of a weird situation for me..... Let me explain some more.....

My bf Sean, is the son of my sister Trishas boss Jules. Jules has been trying to set us up since Sept. I wasnt really looking or ready for anything, so I just blew it off. Plus Jules never really pushed the situation. Well Sean and I finally met up in May, I had seen him around before this, but never really talked to him. When we met, we just hit it off and have been seeing each other ever since.

Now my cousin, her hubby and some other people have told me that Sean is a good person, has a good head on his shoulders and acts older than his age. Sean has a very good job and is very responsible. Etc. I could probably go on forever about what others have said about him. Trust me I was reluctant to date someone 5.5 years younger than me. So I asked around abou this guy.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 12:36 PM   #15
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Re: When is it okay to move in together?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LostInLove
I have told him my concerns when it comes to my son. He looked me in the eyes and promised that he would never hurt either of us.
There is no value in this. None. If you let yourself cling to this or think it has more value than it does, you will be fooling yourself. Now, I am not saying this man is not genuine, or considerate, or truly the one for you. I am only saying that many people rationalize over what they want to be true.

Do you think any man or women that has ever turned into a beast or cheater ever started the relationship by saying, "I promise you I will make you wish you had never met me". Of course not. Every new partner starts off exactly as you described - looking their new bf/gf in the eyes and saying all those sweat and heartfelt words that makes each other feel confident and warm inside.

There is only one thing that you can use as legitimate reference for whether what he says is meaningful or not - and that is the passage of time. Time will show whether or not he will live what he says. This goes for everyone, not just your boyfriend. Every cheater started out by saying, I will never cheat on you. Every abuser started by saying how much their lover means to them. Words are meaningless. Only actions over significant periods of time are of value in determining the power of the words.

A month does not enough time make in knowing how good this 23 year old man will be for you and your son. Forget the words and watch the actions over the passage of time to determine what is best for your son.

 
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