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Old 06-02-2004, 12:55 PM   #1
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playbunny1921 HB User
still in love

I need help,
I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend, he left me 4 months ago and has moved on. I can't stop thinking about him and want him back. i know i am better off with out him, I just miss him badly and need to forget about him. Someone have any suggestions?

 
Old 06-02-2004, 01:07 PM   #2
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CoreyP HB User
Re: still in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by playbunny1921
I need help,
I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend, he left me 4 months ago and has moved on. I can't stop thinking about him and want him back. i know i am better off with out him, I just miss him badly and need to forget about him. Someone have any suggestions?

For what reasons did he leave you? Is he with someone else. You need to just start a new life and date new people. You need to tell yourseld, "Why would I want to be with someone that doesn't want me". My main prerequisite to being with someone is that they want to be with me. Its pretty simple actually. Do you love how he doesn't want to be with you? Its a commen problem. You could also search these boards. Its a common problem. We want what we can't have.

 
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Old 06-02-2004, 01:30 PM   #3
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eightball61 HB User
Re: still in love

It is hard to deal with breakups but sometimes we just have to let go and move on. I know you want him back but he has moved on like you said. There is not much you can do for him to reconsider; so then where does that leave ya...??????

Well have you tried going to a counselor. Is sounds really tacky but they do work and help you through the hard ships. Another thing is write down your thoughts, draw your thoughts, or write poems. These will help you get out what you want out.

Eventually you will get over it. It will take time but these are some pointers for it.

Last edited by eightball61; 06-02-2004 at 02:15 PM.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 01:43 PM   #4
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: still in love

Jeff, I agree, it is an all-too common problem. So many people seem to be having this problem, but for my own edification, I'd like to know what people's definitions are of "moving on." I just don't get what that means. What exactly do you mean when you say "move on?"

 
Old 06-02-2004, 01:54 PM   #5
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SophiaM HB User
Re: still in love

I think "moving on" is a very general term that refers to letting go. Basically, making peace with the fact that the relationship is over and not dwelling on the past. To me, it's more of a philosophical term than a concrete action/set of actions you can take towards this goal. It would probably be similar to, say, accepting the fact that someone close to us has died, and they won't return, so the best we can do is to keep living in the present and focusing on present and future rather than the past. Ironically, I think it's easier to "move on" after someone's death rather than a break-up or divorce, especially one that was not initiated by us, because the person who died did not do it to deliberately hurt us or abandon us. OH well, I'm sure you know all this anyway. As for practical aspect of "moving on," I've always said the best medicine is to find someone BETTER than your former lover. Now, how you go about it, I have no clue. It's up to fate.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 02:07 PM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: still in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninispjc
Jeff, I agree, it is an all-too common problem. So many people seem to be having this problem, but for my own edification, I'd like to know what people's definitions are of "moving on." I just don't get what that means. What exactly do you mean when you say "move on?"

Hey Ninispjc

"Moving on" to me is when I know that its over and there is no way that things will never be the way they were. After a breakup it is hard to move on because the emotions and the feelings are attach from over time.

Its like going through "shock".....When a break up hits unexpectedly we hit a shock where we can't believe that it happen and don't want to believe that it happen. So then we go through a phase thinking some space would help but we see the other person "moving on" which hurts us and puts us back to square one.

It takes time to "move on" but I basically see it when all emaotions and feelings have left and you are ready for another relationship.

Last edited by eightball61; 06-02-2004 at 02:14 PM.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 02:49 PM   #7
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: still in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
Hey Ninispjc

"Moving on" to me is when I know that its over and there is no way that things will never be the way they were. After a breakup it is hard to move on because the emotions and the feelings are attach from over time.

Its like going through "shock".....When a break up hits unexpectedly we hit a shock where we can't believe that it happen and don't want to believe that it happen. So then we go through a phase thinking some space would help but we see the other person "moving on" which hurts us and puts us back to square one.

It takes time to "move on" but I basically see it when all emaotions and feelings have left and you are ready for another relationship.
Yes, I see what you mean, but it's just hard getting it from one's head to one's heart. I thought I was so ready to meet someone who could make me forget about my ex, but even today, I was at a work meeting and when I walked in and sat down next to this guy I work with, he smiled and said hi, and I said hi, then he grabbed my chair and pulled it close to him and said "come here, cutie!" It was flattering but a bit shocking, it took me off guard. But I always felt I would know my next love as soon as I see him. Maybe I'm being a bit quixotic, I don't know. It's such a paradox. People tell you you're some sort of crazy, clingy loser if you can't be happy being alone, and then everywhere you look, society tells you that being happy means being in love with someone. I just rented some episodes of Sex and the City where Miranda couldn't tell her current bf or her ex who she still loved that she loved them, and she called Carrie in a panic saying "I'm never going to be happy!" meaning she was never going to find someone to be with and love. And let's face it, it sucks going for sunset walks, the movies, drives in the mountains, plays, concerts, it sucks doing all those things alone. And everyday there's a new study being published where sex is better after marriage, married people live longer, women with a SO are more emotionally stable than women who live alone, cuddling with a SO releases healthful endorphins and reduces the stress hormone and lowers blood pressure, etc etc etc. Well, I can see I'm rambling and have gone way off course here, so I'll just say thanks to Sophie and Jeff for putting some perspective on the matter, and actually, playbunny, there are a couple of things that may help. When my ex first dumped me, I sat down and wrote out two lists, one f all the wonderful things I was going to miss about the relationship, and one of all the hurtful, annoying, frustrating, self-esteem-erroding things I wasn't going to miss about it, and the second list was three times as long. He also didn't like women who were too "store-bought" didn't approve of heavy, dark lipstick or women who colored their hair, so I went out and bought the darkest, reddest lipstick I could find and colored my hair. Oh, and I bought Alannis Morrisette's Jagged Little Pill and sang along with You Ought to Know at the top of my lungs twice a day for two weeks straight, and it did help with getting some of that initial anger out. I hope you'll be one of the lucky ones who can be successfully single, and embrace this time of being alone, get to know and love yourself a bit more, and then find someone special to share it with. Good luck to you.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 03:11 PM   #8
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eightball61 HB User
Re: still in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninispjc
Yes, I see what you mean, but it's just hard getting it from one's head to one's heart. I thought I was so ready to meet someone who could make me forget about my ex, but even today, I was at a work meeting and when I walked in and sat down next to this guy I work with, he smiled and said hi, and I said hi, then he grabbed my chair and pulled it close to him and said "come here, cutie!" It was flattering but a bit shocking, it took me off guard. But I always felt I would know my next love as soon as I see him. Maybe I'm being a bit quixotic, I don't know. It's such a paradox. People tell you you're some sort of crazy, clingy loser if you can't be happy being alone, and then everywhere you look, society tells you that being happy means being in love with someone. I just rented some episodes of Sex and the City where Miranda couldn't tell her current bf or her ex who she still loved that she loved them, and she called Carrie in a panic saying "I'm never going to be happy!" meaning she was never going to find someone to be with and love. And let's face it, it sucks going for sunset walks, the movies, drives in the mountains, plays, concerts, it sucks doing all those things alone. And everyday there's a new study being published where sex is better after marriage, married people live longer, women with a SO are more emotionally stable than women who live alone, cuddling with a SO releases healthful endorphins and reduces the stress hormone and lowers blood pressure, etc etc etc. Well, I can see I'm rambling and have gone way off course here, so

Wow Ninispjc,


I have learned a ot of interesting thing about you in just this post. It does stink being alone and I was like that for 4 years after I had my heart broken twice. I found use of my time with friends. I have adapted where I actually like the alone time like go to the beach late at night just to think and sort out issues in my head. Durning that time I have come to realize that I don't want to be one of those guys at a club, bar, or beach that makes desperate attempts to get a GF. I wanted the right one to come to me. Yuh I still did my flirting but not in a desperate way.

With that guy pulling the chair over he just spelled D-O-G to me. You may have been flattered but there are many other ways of getting attention rather than the way he did it. Maybe it just me and I wouldn't take that approach but that was lame in its own way.


I feel that the person has to be totally out of my system including head and heart. If I am not completely healed then I am going to be looking for someone to match up to my ex. and not be happy. Personally I don't think that it fair. I would just rather wait till everything is out before I move on.

Some would consider it a long time but I don't care. If it take 2 years then it takes 2 years. In that 2 years she may be married to her person she moved on to but that is her life. I life my own life and when my body says its ready for a change or move then I allow it to. Forcing it will set up for failure.

sorry for the rambling Ninispjc but I feel I had to add that....Hope it makes sense

Last edited by eightball61; 06-02-2004 at 03:12 PM.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 03:30 PM   #9
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: still in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
I feel that the person has to be totally out of my system including head and heart. If I am not completely healed then I am going to be looking for someone to match up to my ex. and not be happy. Personally I don't think that it fair. I would just rather wait till everything is out before I move on.
Oh Lord, I sure hope that's not how it works for everyone. It's been six years for me and my ex is just as much in my system as he ever was. He was my first love, and I don't think I'll ever get completely over him, no matter what, but I've tried everything else, and I don't think I'll ever be able to get past it until I meet someone else who can help me forget about him.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 05:37 PM   #10
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eightball61 HB User
Re: still in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninispjc
Oh Lord, I sure hope that's not how it works for everyone. It's been six years for me and my ex is just as much in my system as he ever was. He was my first love, and I don't think I'll ever get completely over him, no matter what, but I've tried everything else, and I don't think I'll ever be able to get past it until I meet someone else who can help me forget about him.

There is always going to be a place in your heart for him. It will be the memories that you to shared through the relationship. You don't have to be completely over him but to a point when you know its time to move on.

Six years is a long time to be without someone and still thinking of an ex. Have you thought about trying to make an approach to see what else is out there. I am not saying that you have to be a bate in a trap because I would hate for that to happen but just explore. The world is filled with wonderful men and you need to get out there and find one.

Maybe finding a younger man wouldn't be a bad idea. A younger man will not be boring for the most part and he will be very active. I am not saying and older guy has this but younger men have the ambition. The only down fall is that younger men havn't expierence anything to real life but they have to learn some how.

All I am saying is make a move when you know the time is right. These people will always be in your heart because of memories but we need to move on sometimes.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 05:49 PM   #11
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SophiaM HB User
Re: still in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninispjc
Oh Lord, I sure hope that's not how it works for everyone. It's been six years for me and my ex is just as much in my system as he ever was. He was my first love, and I don't think I'll ever get completely over him, no matter what, but I've tried everything else, and I don't think I'll ever be able to get past it until I meet someone else who can help me forget about him.
Wow, Nini, that is a long time to have someone "in your system." My ex fiance and I broke up over five years ago, and I have to say he's pretty much out of my system. The hurt is still there and might be there always to a degree. I do sometimes feel angry with him as well, and I have a lot of reasons to be angry, but overall, I don't have any romantic feelings left for him. So, when you fantisize about making love to someone, do you still think about your ex? I haven't had any such feelings about mine in a loooong time. When he moved on so fast and married someone else, it turned me off to him completely. I felt like he betrayed me BIG time. I'm sure that if I were to see him tomorrow, I would not even be attracted to him. I would not want him if he begged me. And you know what, he's not such a prize anyway. There's usually a reason why things don't work out. Re-reading that second list periodically is not a bad idea.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 06:06 PM   #12
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: still in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
Six years is a long time to be without someone and still thinking of an ex. Have you thought about trying to make an approach to see what else is out there. I am not saying that you have to be a bate in a trap because I would hate for that to happen but just explore. The world is filled with wonderful men and you need to get out there and find one.

All I am saying is make a move when you know the time is right. These people will always be in your heart because of memories but we need to move on sometimes.
yeah, for 6 years i've been out there, hitting the clubs. I sing and play guitar so I go out karaoke-ing and doing open mikes a lot, I used to go two and three times a week, for like 3 or 4 years after our break up. i still go out as much as possible, I volunteer, and do what I can to get out there. I've joined singles clubs, I even signed up for eharmony for about 4 months. Cost me an arm and a leg and got to talking with about 5 or 6 different guys that seemed like possiblities, but when it came time to arrange for a meeting, they disappeared, except for one that I met for coffee. I smiled, made eye contact, listened well, asked about his work, etc etc etc and after about 30 minutes he said he was seeing someone else and decided he'd pursue that and see where it went. As hard as it is to admit, some people just don't get to be happy. I just hope playbunny can take the advice here, heal and move on and be one of the lucky ones who does get to be happy.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 06:10 PM   #13
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: still in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Wow, Nini, that is a long time to have someone "in your system." My ex fiance and I broke up over five years ago, and I have to say he's pretty much out of my system. The hurt is still there and might be there always to a degree. I do sometimes feel angry with him as well, and I have a lot of reasons to be angry, but overall, I don't have any romantic feelings left for him. So, when you fantisize about making love to someone, do you still think about your ex? I haven't had any such feelings about mine in a loooong time. When he moved on so fast and married someone else, it turned me off to him completely. I felt like he betrayed me BIG time. I'm sure that if I were to see him tomorrow, I would not even be attracted to him. I would not want him if he begged me. And you know what, he's not such a prize anyway. There's usually a reason why things don't work out. Re-reading that second list periodically is not a bad idea.
I try not to think about sex at all, it just makes me feel pathetic. But I do still have romantic feelings for him. And while I do feel betrayed by him as well, (he married someone the exact opposite of the woman he said he was leaving me to go find) I still can't help thinking of all the good times and just how much I miss having someone to hold and to talk and laugh with, and hold hands with, etc. I do remember the bad times, too, but I guess memory is selective, we tend to remember the good times better than the bad. But I think it's biological too. All the studies and scientific findings I've mentioned before, I think the human species is biologically geared to need to be with other people, and to mate. I think some people override that better than others. I'm just not doing a very good job overriding it.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 07:05 PM   #14
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Re: still in love

I agree so much with all that Ninispjc has to say. Maybe some people just don't get to be happy. I mean I read all the advice given in these posts, and hear what is being said but still don't get it. I mean I understand what is being said, but just cannot comprehend how to do it for myself.
I will never get over my great love, still miss him, still love him, and always will; he will always come first to my heart. I don't even see how I could be with someone else, when he will always be the one I truely want. When I do meet someone, it's just all the more I think about him, so things don't go anywhere with the person I meet. When I even think of trying to find a new guy, it's just all the more I think about him. So it's not just that I miss having a relationship with someone, it's that I miss having a relationship with him. I really believe he will never be out of my heart or my mind. And how do you live with that for the rest of your life??? Guess that's why I just cannot apply this advice to myself.

But to playbunny - I certainly hope this didn't bring you down or diminish hope. I am also hoping for you that you will be able to work thru this and find someone worthy of you. It has also only been four months since things ended with my ex, so don't take too much out of my feelings. I don't know for certain what the future holds. But you are not alone, and I am sorry you are also hurting.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 07:36 PM   #15
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: still in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by lisa24
I agree so much with all that Ninispjc has to say. Maybe some people just don't get to be happy. I mean I read all the advice given in these posts, and hear what is being said but still don't get it. I mean I understand what is being said, but just cannot comprehend how to do it for myself.
I will never get over my great love, still miss him, still love him, and always will; he will always come first to my heart. I don't even see how I could be with someone else, when he will always be the one I truely want. When I do meet someone, it's just all the more I think about him, so things don't go anywhere with the person I meet. When I even think of trying to find a new guy, it's just all the more I think about him. So it's not just that I miss having a relationship with someone, it's that I miss having a relationship with him. I really believe he will never be out of my heart or my mind. And how do you live with that for the rest of your life??? Guess that's why I just cannot apply this advice to myself.

But to playbunny - I certainly hope this didn't bring you down or diminish hope. I am also hoping for you that you will be able to work thru this and find someone worthy of you. It has also only been four months since things ended with my ex, so don't take too much out of my feelings. I don't know for certain what the future holds. But you are not alone, and I am sorry you are also hurting.
Take heart, lisa. Four months isn't really all that long. It took me that long just to get out of bed except to drag my butt off to work after my break up. Give yourself some time and cut yourself a break. After only four months, I think you can still allow yourself a little time to grieve. Just enjoy your friends, pick up a new hobby you've always wanted to try, knit yourself a nice pretty new scarf or go to a crafts store like Michaels and pick up a craft to make for your bedroom or kitchen, start a book you've always wanted to read but just never got around to it, rent some movies you've just never seemed to have time to see, check out some new clubs or restaurants with your friends, spend some time being good to yourself. Don't even worry about getting over this guy yet. When you're ready to try someone new, you'll know. Don't give up yet, ok?

 
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