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Old 06-03-2004, 07:36 AM   #1
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kANE58503 HB User
Unhappy friends of the opposite sex

To make it quick, i have dated my gf for 3 months, we have had trouble lately about her doing things with her single male friend when I am at work at night. She thinks its ok for her to go to bars, dinner, dance, and rent movies to take back to her single male friends house to watch at night when I am at work. I talked with her about this but she tells me I need to see a counselor because I don't think right. I told her i dont have a problem with her having friends of the opposite sex but its how you spend the time with them, she can talk to them on the phone, or have a cappuchino with him, but watching movies with him alone at his house when I am at work I think is inappropriate. She said I am controling and do not trust her. I told her its not a matter of trust its having respect for our relationship and that I wouldnt do that to her so why do it to me. She is 25 yrs old and her friend is 33, she said she has known him longer than me and she isnt going to pick me over him, please help, what do I do?

 
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Old 06-03-2004, 08:04 AM   #2
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: friends of the opposite sex

There's nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex and hanging out with them, but as you said she's also hanging at his house renting movies and is involved in a relationship with you.

Therefore she has no clue then how to have a respectful relationship other then call you controlling and you should seek counseling. It's not a matter of being inappropriate or that you don't think it's right. If your her boyfriend - she should be watching movies with you alone at home.

I was going to suggest that you have two choices here - but from your post
Your so called girlfriend of three months already made her choice and told you so - she chooses her "friend" over you. IS there anymore that needs to be said?

 
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Old 06-03-2004, 08:14 AM   #3
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SophiaM HB User
Re: friends of the opposite sex

Yes, it is inappropriate and you're not controlling, nor do you need counseling. Geez, everyone just uses the couseling line nowadays, even as an excuse for tolerating unacceptable behavior. "You have a problem with me hanging out with another guy alone in his room? You need counseling. Problem with me sleeping with another guy? How dare you, you controlling freak! Couseling." Sorry, I just can't help myself. If you keep tolerating crappy treatment from someone, all you get is MORE crappy treatment. I think you need to make it clear to her that this is not something you will tolerate in a relationship.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 08:22 AM   #4
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realguy HB User
Re: friends of the opposite sex

run away NOW.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 08:52 AM   #5
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PeggyHarmon HB User
Re: friends of the opposite sex

How would she feel if you went and hung out with a knock out...acquaintance and give a dose of her own medicine? I think she's alittle immature...anyone who was in a serious relationship can be friends with the opposite sex and bring an additional friend into a relationship. I have and they do work...but eventually your life and theirs go a separate way...and you move on, they move on, but everyone is respectful and caring about the other. Obviously she doesn't have your best interest at heart here.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 09:40 AM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: friends of the opposite sex

This is a very touchy topic to discuss with her and you want to do it in the right way so it doesn't kill your relationship.

First off, You are not controlling. Try putting her in the same situation...Ask her is she wouldn't mind that you did the same thing or just do it any way. You are right about it is ok for her to have male friends but she shouldn't be always dinning, going to bars, and dancing all the time.

With you telling her not to is looking controlling but she just doesn't understand. The only way to makie her understand is put it right back in her shoes. It doesn;t sound right but its one of the only ways to solve this.

If she doesn't listen then you are going have to think of what is more important....

 
Old 06-03-2004, 10:03 AM   #7
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elatedgiraffe HB User
Re: friends of the opposite sex

Well, she said she is not going to pick you over him. So you ask what to do? Well, you'll either have to accept it, or break up with her. I don't agree with her, but she has simply told you she is going to keep doing these things with this guy friend of hers whether you like it or not. You have told her how you feel about it, but she is set in her ways about this so you'll have to find someway to be okay with this, or end the relationship. I think she should take your feelings under consideration. What does this say about her respect for you? If she disregards your feelings, then what potential does she have of being long-term or marriage? How would she feel if you watched movies with a girl friend of yours while shes working? Maybe you should go out with your friends that are girls and if you don't have any, make some. Maybe all 3 of you can watch movies, WHEN you get off work? If she continues to disregard your feelings about it, you'll have to accept it or tell her to hit the road. Good luck.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 11:29 AM   #8
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: friends of the opposite sex

I have to look at it from the other side too - -
I've known a guy for what, 90 days? and he's telling me to dump my friends or how to spend time with them? I have no guarantees that this guy won't break up with me for a million other reasons or just be someone that I don't care to get more involved with. Then what - I've dumped my friends on top of dealing with a break-up.
Dating should and can be an optimistic time - not feeling like you have "work it out" - treating it like you're engaged or married.
Dating is a time to get to know someone - not cutting them off from their life as they knew it before they met you.

Personally I'd have trouble with the AMOUNT of time someone spent with someone. But maybe her best guy pal is gay for all we know.
Mine was!

 
Old 06-03-2004, 11:35 AM   #9
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excaliburgrl HB User
Re: friends of the opposite sex

heya,
my hubby used to feel really insecure about me spending time with my best guy friend too...i ended up cutting back on time with this guy cause it made my hubby feel so bad...but in the end, he ended up getting the know my friend and realized that he will always be my best buddy and i will never choose between the two of them...i guess the fact that my friend kept me from dying when i was 15 helped my hubby realize how important this guy was to me...

i do think it is inappropriate for a girl to spend too much time with a guy friend if they are flirtatious towards each other...but it is wrong to make her choose between him and you...i know, you stated that she said she would choose him, but maybe you made her feel like she had to choose...i guess i'm on the other end from everyone else here...

i know you said they go out dancing and stuff, but is there a more direct reason you are uncomfortable with them going out? my guy friend and i would go dancing and stuff while my hubby was at work too, but it never meant anything...just friends out laughing and talking...
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Old 06-03-2004, 11:41 AM   #10
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funnygirlie HB User
Re: friends of the opposite sex

I had a 'guy friend' like that and we used to always do things together provided both of us were single. As soon as one of us entered into a relationship, then we would do things as 'couples' or not at all. It is really just a matter of respect. Good luck!

 
Old 06-03-2004, 11:53 AM   #11
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eightball61 HB User
Re: friends of the opposite sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
Dating is a time to get to know someone - not cutting them off from their life as they knew it before they met you.

Good post Ruth

I wanted to comment on this because it is so true. Dating is the time where one should discover and get to know the other person. Life in general though we learn something new everyday meaning even though we marry that person we are still not going to know them 100%. Marriage will still have its obstacles of getting to know that person but dating is the foundation whether if you want to take it that far or not.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 12:21 PM   #12
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: friends of the opposite sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
I have to look at it from the other side too - -
I've known a guy for what, 90 days? and he's telling me to dump my friends or how to spend time with them? I have no guarantees that this guy won't break up with me for a million other reasons or just be someone that I don't care to get more involved with. Then what - I've dumped my friends on top of dealing with a break-up.
Dating should and can be an optimistic time - not feeling like you have "work it out" - treating it like you're engaged or married.
Dating is a time to get to know someone - not cutting them off from their life as they knew it before they met you.

Personally I'd have trouble with the AMOUNT of time someone spent with someone. But maybe her best guy pal is gay for all we know.
Mine was!
Ruth - I agree with you too - BUT, the post did NOT ask the new girlfriend to end her friendship with her male friend, he just asked why does she have to spend her nights with him at his house alone watching movies.

Let's face it and maybe the post is missing the "mark" if this girl really really like this guy she is dating - wouldn't you think she would be at her own home hanging out, waiting for her new boyfriend to come over after work, or thinking about him? And your right too - her male friend could be a gay friend

If I really liked a guy I was seeing for three months - I wouldn't rub it in his face that I also hang out over a guy's house watching movies alone. and flatout tell this new guy I'm dating - go see a couselor if you don't like it or I'll choose my guy friend over you if you keep buging me about what I do -
WHAT IS THAT?
I wouldn't give up my friendship either - No one should give up a long term friendship over and guy or girl.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 12:32 PM   #13
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: friends of the opposite sex

That is a good point GirlHarley. I was probably reading between lines that weren't there - for some reason I was getting warning chimes about him telling her when she could & could not see her friends. If she stopped going to his place to watch a movie would the rules change again until she wasn't seeing her friend at all?
He needs to date someone who doesn't have a friend like this girl has, and she needs to be real clear real soon with the next guy she dates that her guy friend is a part of the package.

Maybe what I'm trying to say is that neither of these two necessarily has to change a THING about who they are. They're just dating the wrong person and need to stop trying to prove that one of them is doing the "right/wrong" thing.

I probably am too old to think the same way as the rest of you, but you'll always get the opinion of someone who dated for 16 yrs before meeting the right person! Can't say I don't have experience!!!!

(and an "aw, pshaw" to Jeff)

 
Old 06-03-2004, 12:40 PM   #14
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eightball61 HB User
Re: friends of the opposite sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11

I probably am too old to think the same way as the rest of you, but you'll always get the opinion of someone who dated for 16 yrs before meeting the right person! Can't say I don't have experience!!!!

(and an "aw, pshaw" to Jeff)
You will never be to old when it comes time to think and make the right decision. Opinions will be different but that's based on expierence and and living in eras.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 01:17 PM   #15
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SophiaM HB User
Re: friends of the opposite sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
If I really liked a guy I was seeing for three months - I wouldn't rub it in his face that I also hang out over a guy's house watching movies alone. and flatout tell this new guy I'm dating - go see a couselor if you don't like it or I'll choose my guy friend over you if you keep buging me about what I do -
WHAT IS THAT?
I wouldn't give up my friendship either - No one should give up a long term friendship over and guy or girl.
I agree with GirlHarley. I can't imagine being thrilled if a boyfriend of mine were to spend time watching movies alone at a female's friend house. I am not some kind of a possessive psycho, but this just wouldn't make me feel comfortable. He can have a female friend, but spending alone time at her house watching movies sounds like it could lead to problems. The poster never once mentioned that this male friend of his girlfriend's is in fact gay. I think if he was gay, she would have said so to ease his worries. All is see is that she tells him 'it's my way or the highway" and he's not important to her. Isn't she afraid of turning off a potentially great boyfriend for a few moments of movies with some pal? It's not like the poster is telling her to end the friendship. In my opinion his concern is valid and reasonable.

Another thing is, yes, dating is the time to learn and discover, but the fact that most of the time in modern "dating" sex is a part of the process, I think it makes matters far more complex and it's hard to just objectively watch and discover when you're having intimate relations with your dating partner. So, that's why I think that IDEALLY dating should not involve sex. So that the decision about the relationship is made with a clear mind. Oh, well, what am I talking about anyway.

 
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