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Old 06-03-2004, 07:36 AM   #1
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What is the problem here?

I have been seeing man I really like for 4 weeks now. We've been out for coffee, drinks, we've had dinner, things like that. He's great to converse with, intelligent, a sweet guy. I enjoy his company and he obviously enjoys mine too. It's so easy to be with him, I feel I can be just myself, and I love that.

OK, what I said above sounds just too good to be true, doesn't it. The problem is this: he won't hold my hand, hug me, kiss me.... there's no physical contact. We sit and walk close together, he is comfortable being in my space but that's all. I sometimes touch his hand or take his arm, and he seems to like it, but he never does the same to me. Why?

I've been starting to wonder if he doesn't want me physically at all, or could this be shyness (he seems very shy), or wanting to be friends first, or what.
It is important for me to show my affection physically, and not doing so, is hard.
What do you think makes him refrain from physical contact, and what could I do?

 
Old 06-03-2004, 08:05 AM   #2
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Re: What is the problem here?

Wow, sounds like you're going out with the same guy I went out with months ago! He was exactly like the guy you described. We went out on dates for five weeks, I enjoyed his company, conversation, everything, and he seemed to enjoy mine. BUT, he wouldn't make any moves whatsoever. Not even trying to kiss me. In fact, when we went out to this great lounge with comfortable sofas all around, he insisted on having drinks at the bar! How weird. I couldn't figure him out at all, but thought maybe he was shy. Finally, he went away on vacation. Called me the day before to invite me out to dinner after he gets back in town, and that was the last I heard of him. He just disappeared and when I sent him an email after he came back from his trip, he didn't even answer it. So, to this day, I have NO clue why he was acting this way. All I know is that his behavior seemed strange and it turned out I was right. I hope your guy is really just shy, but if he doesn't even try to hold your hand...I don't know. Try to kiss him first and see how he reacts. If he turns away or makes some kind of excuse, forget him. Normal guys don't act this way.

 
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Old 06-03-2004, 08:18 AM   #3
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elatedgiraffe HB User
Re: What is the problem here?

Maybe to him the two of you are just friends. Maybe he is insecure and is waiting for you to make the first move. The only way you will find out is if you ask him.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 08:36 AM   #4
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eightball61 HB User
Re: What is the problem here?

There is no problem here:

This can be 2 different things.

First off you both been together for only 4 weeks. He may be taken his time and doesn't want to scare you away. He may feel insecure about some things and doesn't want to make it look like he is after one thing.

The second thing is he could he may be just one of those guys that doesn't like showing affection. There is nothing wrong with that...Some people like to show public affection and some don't.

Best thing to do is give it a few more dates then try to grab his hand to see his reaction is. If he pulls away just ask why he doesn't want to.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 10:07 AM   #5
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Re: What is the problem here?

well there could be various scenarios-
its either that he's just treating u as a good friend.
he's too shy to make the first move and he's waiting for u to do that first.

ur situation is a little unusual to say the least and i guess if it isnt one of the above cases its best u dont stick up with such a relationship.

but u did say that u guys do talk a lot so i'd just suggest asking him straight.
if not try planting a short kiss on his lips then next time u see him and see what he says and how he reacts.
if he tells u that he just thinks of u as a good friend then u gt accept that and it will be up to u if u'll be willing to carry on with such a relationship or drop it altogether.
tara

 
Old 06-03-2004, 10:26 AM   #6
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Re: What is the problem here?

i had a boyfriend act like this once and later found out he was gay...i was just his cover up so nobody suspected...but no, i'm not implying that he might be gay...just made me think of a situation like that that i was in...
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Old 06-03-2004, 10:37 AM   #7
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: What is the problem here?

How funny excaliburgl!!
The same thing happened to me. Really nice guy at work, loved to dance, funny - we went out lots of weekends but he always dropped me off at the door & watched me safely inside - no hugs/kisses good-night.

I actually ended up meeting my husband thru him - they had a part time job at the same place.

He finally "came out" to us after maybe 10 yrs - like we hadn't kinda figured it out, huh? My first thought was the same as yours when I read this post...

 
Old 06-03-2004, 01:33 PM   #8
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RosaMay HB User
Re: What is the problem here?

Thank you for your replies!
Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
In fact, when we went out to this great lounge with comfortable sofas all around, he insisted on having drinks at the bar!
How weird Sophia - sounds like the same guy indeed. I've encouraged him to have a few drinks so maybe he'd be able to relax, to sit on the sofa beside me but no such luck... he prefers the bar.

Excaliburgrl, the thought of him being gay has crossed my mind. He won't talk about his past relationships, or relationships in general, which makes me think he could be hiding something. On the other hand he could just be inhibited. An ex of mine told me he might be gay, but my ex really doesn't like this man, so...

Should he be gay, what signs there'd be (aside the lack of physical contact)? His dressing or looks don't, to me, yield any clues.

Could he see me as a friend? I don't think so, because he does so many things for me, he is very caring and thoughtful and wants to be with me often and oftener...

Anyway, I think I'll be seeing him for a couple of times more and I'll have a talk with him, tell him how I feel.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 01:43 PM   #9
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Re: What is the problem here?

That's too funny RosaMay! Hmm, let's see: does he ever takes you out on weekends? My weirdo never had time on weekends. That was another strange thing.

Another question: how did you meet? Did he pursue you, get your number, etc? A gay guy would not be likely to pursue a straight woman like that. Also, when he takes you out to dinner or drinks, does he ask you to split the check or does he treat you? The guy I went out with always paid for me, which was all the more confusing because if he was not attracted to me, why would he be investing his time and money? I don't get it. One other explanation might be that he is already involved with someone else or dating a few women at the same time while trying to decide which one he likes the most. Something is definitely not right. What about his body language? When he sits next to you, does he try to sit as close as possible, touch you during the conversation, is his body turned towards you? I noticed that if something doesn't feel "right," usually it isn't.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 01:54 PM   #10
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eightball61 HB User
Re: What is the problem here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RosaMay
Anyway, I think I'll be seeing him for a couple of times more and I'll have a talk with him, tell him how I feel.

Good plan, but try testing the waters also. Try to make a move on him to see or view his reaction. Then that could build a convo. so you can see why he acts like this or maybe find out where this relationship/friendship stands.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 02:20 PM   #11
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RosaMay HB User
Re: What is the problem here?

Sophia, I'll be happy to compare notes!
>Hmm, let's see: does he ever takes you out on weekends?
Yes, he does. Weekends and weekdays after work are both fine with him.


Never having time on weekends would be strange, it might mean he'd have someone else. Do you know for sure whether your guy was married by the way? Married people can be extremely inventive. I've found that before.


>Another question: how did you meet? Did he pursue you, get your number, etc?
We met on a course. We clicked straight away and were friends first, but gradually started to flirt. At first I was involved with someone and he seemed more active, but later, it was me who made the first move towards dating.


>Also, when he takes you out to dinner or drinks, does he ask you to split the check or does he treat you? The guy I went out with always paid for me, which was all the more confusing because if he was not attracted to me, why would he be investing his time and money? I don't get it.
Well... same here, he treats me like a princess and takes me to lovely places.
If we go out on a dinner, and afterwards have a few drinks, then I pitch in. But he seems perfectly happy to spend on me!


>One other explanation might be that he is already involved with someone else or dating a few women at the same time while trying to decide which one he likes the most.
Hmmm... who knows?

Did your guy do anything weird with his cell phone by the way? Mine often switches his off when it's getting late. Once he got a call while we were having coffee, he took the call but stepped away to talk.

Something is definitely not right. What about his body language? When he sits next to you, does he try to sit as close as possible, touch you during the conversation, is his body turned towards you?
He often sits close to me and is often in my space, his body is turned towards me, and he touches me as if it were accidental.


What do you think?

 
Old 06-03-2004, 02:29 PM   #12
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eightball61 HB User
Re: What is the problem here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RosaMay
Sophia, I'll be happy to compare notes!
>Hmm, let's see: does he ever takes you out on weekends?
Yes, he does. Weekends and weekdays after work are both fine with him.


Never having time on weekends would be strange, it might mean he'd have someone else. Do you know for sure whether your guy was married by the way? Married people can be extremely inventive. I've found that before.


>Another question: how did you meet? Did he pursue you, get your number, etc?
We met on a course. We clicked straight away and were friends first, but gradually started to flirt. At first I was involved with someone and he seemed more active, but later, it was me who made the first move towards dating.


>Also, when he takes you out to dinner or drinks, does he ask you to split the check or does he treat you? The guy I went out with always paid for me, which was all the more confusing because if he was not attracted to me, why would he be investing his time and money? I don't get it.
Well... same here, he treats me like a princess and takes me to lovely places.
If we go out on a dinner, and afterwards have a few drinks, then I pitch in. But he seems perfectly happy to spend on me!


>One other explanation might be that he is already involved with someone else or dating a few women at the same time while trying to decide which one he likes the most.
Hmmm... who knows?

Did your guy do anything weird with his cell phone by the way? Mine often switches his off when it's getting late. Once he got a call while we were having coffee, he took the call but stepped away to talk.

Something is definitely not right. What about his body language? When he sits next to you, does he try to sit as close as possible, touch you during the conversation, is his body turned towards you?
He often sits close to me and is often in my space, his body is turned towards me, and he touches me as if it were accidental.


What do you think?

No sign of gayness here...Just an average guy that may be to shy to show public affext or just isn't ready for that step.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 02:36 PM   #13
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RosaMay HB User
Re: What is the problem here?

Thanks eightball, I guess I'm getting abit paranoid!

 
Old 06-03-2004, 02:59 PM   #14
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eightball61 HB User
Re: What is the problem here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RosaMay
Thanks eightball, I guess I'm getting abit paranoid!


No, these are good questions. A lot of women think that men are the ones that usually make the first move. We have a great conversation going in another post about some men taking there time.

For the most part most men do like to take the lead roll and make the moves. There is that certain % (like me) that is afraid to make the wrong move. Some are afraid to make the wrong move because it may scare you off....the thing that they don't realize is that if they take to long you may just wonder off because you don't think they are interested when they really were.

Me & my GF a few weeks back had a silly fight about cuddling. I ask her to come over closer on the couch and she replied "why do I have to" and I replied the same thing. After a while I said "why does it have to be just...someone needs to take charge sometimes and this joint be a joint effort". No fight after that.

Basically someone needs to take charge and if the guy is to wimpy to do it do run off thinking he isn't interested. We all share emotions differently.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 05:33 PM   #15
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SophiaM HB User
Re: What is the problem here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RosaMay
Sophia, I'll be happy to compare notes!
>Hmm, let's see: does he ever takes you out on weekends?
Yes, he does. Weekends and weekdays after work are both fine with him.


Never having time on weekends would be strange, it might mean he'd have someone else. Do you know for sure whether your guy was married by the way? Married people can be extremely inventive. I've found that before.


>Another question: how did you meet? Did he pursue you, get your number, etc?
We met on a course. We clicked straight away and were friends first, but gradually started to flirt. At first I was involved with someone and he seemed more active, but later, it was me who made the first move towards dating.


>Also, when he takes you out to dinner or drinks, does he ask you to split the check or does he treat you? The guy I went out with always paid for me, which was all the more confusing because if he was not attracted to me, why would he be investing his time and money? I don't get it.
Well... same here, he treats me like a princess and takes me to lovely places.
If we go out on a dinner, and afterwards have a few drinks, then I pitch in. But he seems perfectly happy to spend on me!


>One other explanation might be that he is already involved with someone else or dating a few women at the same time while trying to decide which one he likes the most.
Hmmm... who knows?

Did your guy do anything weird with his cell phone by the way? Mine often switches his off when it's getting late. Once he got a call while we were having coffee, he took the call but stepped away to talk.

Something is definitely not right. What about his body language? When he sits next to you, does he try to sit as close as possible, touch you during the conversation, is his body turned towards you?
He often sits close to me and is often in my space, his body is turned towards me, and he touches me as if it were accidental.


What do you think?
Well, after you added all these other details, he might indeed be one of these slow-moving types. I have no idea if mine was married but I don't think so. He tried to invite me to his apartment once, but given the fact that he had made no attempts to even kiss me up to that point, I was really unsure about his motives. As in, he might be the next American Psycho, you know, with bodies stuffed up in his freezer, or he might have started chasing me around with a chainsaw...I opted for skipping that risk. Anyhow, the cellphone question. No, I don't recall any suspicious cellphone behavior. But what you described your guy doing is not unusual at all. He turns the phone off probably not to be rude or steps aside to talk for the same reason. I wouldn't interpret it as necessarily a red flag. Overall, from what you wrote, I think you should take a bit more time with him, and if he doesn't try to kiss you or hold your hand within the next couple of weeks, well...I would do something. Grab his hand while you're walking on the street, or play with his hair, maybe mess it up in a playful way, and see how he reacts. If he still acts like a cold fish, I guess you have two options: either ask him flat out what's going on, or just stop seeing him. But I would probably ask, just out of curiosity. Good luck to you!

Last edited by SophiaM; 06-03-2004 at 05:37 PM.

 
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