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Old 06-05-2004, 03:17 PM   #1
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sabrinarose HB User
moving in together

My boyfriend and I are planning on moving in together in about four months.We will both be going to school and plus we really want to live with each other.We have talked about it alot and we both think were ready for it.We have been together for a year.We took our relationship very slowly at first and we still give each other space all the time.We have never been the attatched at the hip couple and we both respect each others freedoms and indivuality but we also respect our relationship.I read a post on here about the common pitfalls of living together and it shocked me completely,not that we havent talked in depth about it but the main part of that post was people responding saying dont do it,it will ruin everything,you will never get married to that person,you cant buy stuff together cuz theres no marriage so theres no commitment there.Ok,I know this stuff happens but I know my bf and I have a pretty good chance.We are young (20) but we both have good heads on our shoulders and make descisons very well,we always talk things through and he is,truly my best friend.I know the relationship with me and him is different cuz all of my friends have their bf's and I personally,think their boyfriends treat them like garbage,they never ask the girls opinion,they dont listen,their rude and have no respect,dont respect them for being women dont respect thier opinions.My boyfriend is great,he'll help me out whenever,I can ask anything of him and I trust that he will help me and I do the same for him.We have been each other best friends,counsellors (ever therapists!) for the last year and we have always tried to maintain the greatness in our relationship.One thing about that post was that they were saying if your not going to marry the guy then whats the point? OK,I dont know for sure if we'll get married cuz you never ever know the future for sure but Im saying if things go well then we have a pretty good chance.We were talking the other day and I was talking about how I have never thought about my wedding like alot of girls do,I had never thought of the details and then he said "yeah,at our wedding,we should.....ummmmm,I mean...." He totally let it slip and then he was blushing and we were laughing.We talk about kids alot,what we will name them,what sports we want them in,what morals we want to teach them and what kinds of things we want to do with them.Its weird with my bf and I because hes more straight edge conservative and Im alot more earthy and spiritual,hes got a great heart though.Whenever we argue,we always argue to solve things,not to hurt each other and we can bring each other out of a bad mood pretty easily.He talks about marriage quite a bit.He was telling me about his sister and about how she married her bf mostly out of looks and he married her for that same reason and now after a few years together they are looking for something more in each other.My bf said "that would never be us cuz if we got married,we would know that looks fade and our friendship has to replace that" He comes from a great home with parents that have been together since they were quite young and are still in love with eachother,his dad still takes his mom on dates and brings her flowers.I guess what Im trying to ask is....were not engaged or anything,I have a promise ring but thats not an engagement,I was just wondering if it would still be a good idea,I love him to death and we can do the domestic thing pretty good.Hes a great cook,Iam not,Im a good cleaner and decorator,he is not so we match up awesome



Has anyone lives with their SO before marriage or engagement and how did it turn out,was it a good idea? cuz all I seem to hear about is the bad things,and I know that there HAS to be some that made it through.


Sorry so long!

thanks

 
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Old 06-05-2004, 04:58 PM   #2
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Alexandra789456 HB User
Re: moving in together

I think it's a great idea because it gives you a reality check. It emphasizes all of the good and all of the bad things about your partner and helps you draw conclusions a lot faster. My ex was very unromantic and I thought moving in would help but he would sleep early and rent 5 movies in a row when he was awake and ignore me. I also noticed how often his phone rang and found out he was cheating on me. Lastly, he'd get supermad whenever I went out because he was possessive so I lost all my friends. So, basically he was a jerk and it took moving in to figure it out. Obviously I left him and if we hadn't moved in together I may just still be with that loser. So, it's a good way to filter out the wrong guy if you're suspicous. And, it's probably (although I don't know from experience) a good way to get closer to the right guy. Good luck.

 
Old 06-05-2004, 05:49 PM   #3
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: moving in together

It might work, it might not. No one else’s experience will help you. One thing is for certain (sorry for the statistics GH) moving in with an intended makes for divorces more often than not moving in. These are facts that are incontrovertible. If marriage to this fellow is a goal, it is something you may wish to factor in to all the other factors you are considering. Whether the odds will apply to you is anyone's guess.

Last edited by Salinas1; 06-06-2004 at 04:15 AM.

 
Old 06-05-2004, 06:18 PM   #4
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: moving in together

Sounds to me like you have a pretty good thing going on together and you seem to know each other very well. By that I mean, you have a very healthy relationship at the moment. You covered some of the bases that are important in a young relationship and living together, including ‘Communication’. Being able to recognize this and talking to each other about issues, you are way ahead of the game.

I haven’t read the other post, but I wouldn’t put any stock in the comments from the post you were referring too. I am surprised that those comments were even made. There are a lot of couples living together successfully at the present time and others that lived together for a while before getting married. Yes some have failed but don’t let that stop you from moving in together. Other relationships are nothing more than just statistics and are no guarantee that yours will fail or succeed in the long run. Only you and your boyfriend can really determine that and you won’t find out unless you give it a shot.

So, I say go for it. Don’t pay attention to what others have said about failed relationships. Don’t concentrate on the negative aspects of other posts with regards to how their relationships eventually ended up. Move in together but don’t lose focus on your education. Both of you should make that your priority. Your formal education in many cases determines the level of freedom you both will have to do what you like to do together and what you can afford to do together, and that can only help in keeping a relationship going strong down the road.

I don't have a problem with long posts, but many could benefit from cutting em into paragraphs to make them easier to read.

I also like your sense of humor. Don’t take everything in life so seriously. At your young age, you will have plenty of time for that later.

Hoop ( went “diving for posters” in LA this past week)

 
Old 06-06-2004, 09:25 AM   #5
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: moving in together

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
It might work, it might not. No one else’s experience will help you. One thing is for certain (sorry for the statistics GH) moving in with an intended makes for divorces more often than not moving in. These are facts that are incontrovertible. If marriage to this fellow is a goal, it is something you may wish to factor in to all the other factors you are considering. Whether the odds will apply to you is anyone's guess.
Hi Salinas - your right on your post. As for the Statistics, thanks for thinking of me. Who really knows right? I have read too that Statistics show living together before marriage does have a higher risk for divorce, don't know why because they never back up their finding on "statistics" people.
Maybe they should do an Opral show or 20/20 with Real people who have lived together, got married and ASK them why they were divorced and if it had to do with living together before getting married?

OK, to the post.
I was 20 when I lived with my boyfriend - 22 when I married him - 28 when I divorced him. Living with him was great. I didn't have an issue with fighting with him - we were great friends and still are on friendly terms as we have a child together. I don't believe for a minute my divorce with him had anything to do with us living together before marrying him.

Age 30 I lived with a man ten years older then me. I was blindly in love with him. My gut told me now to move in with him, but I did. It was HELL from the moment I moved in with him. He was a womaniser and I was a stupid stupid girl back then, I listed to my heart NOT MY HEAD. I lasted 6 months with him. I got myself and my "child" out of there.

I now own a house with my boyfriend/fiance we have been together over 5 years and lived together for 4. It's going great and someday when my son finishes HS and College I will marry this man - this is my decision on not getting married. I'm happy, he's happy, my son is happy, but I can not predict my future anymore then I can predict your arrangement of living with your boyfriend. As Salinas said - it may work or it may not - As someday I will remarry again and I don't plan on getting divorced again but don't know if I will become a Statistic either as I hate that word...

Last edited by GirlHarley; 06-06-2004 at 09:26 AM.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 11:24 AM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: moving in together

You know this relationship better than all of us. If you feel the timing is write and you both want to move in together then that is great. Living together before will situate some kinks that you don't know about.

Living together will allow you both to adjust to each other way of living and create one style you both can like. This will have to be a team effort to make to work. You both have to work things out and have good communication. If one of these fail then the relationship may fail. I have faith though and I am saying try it out.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 06:43 PM   #7
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StuckinaRut HB User
Re: moving in together

I just want to say from the other side of the fence, one half of a non married couple that lives together....it's rough at first for sure, because you never really know anyone until you've lived with them. At least that is what I find. I *do* think that you have to have patience because adjusting to the other person's way of doing their nightly or morning routines, the way they do the dishes, watch tv, etc. is not always easy. Wasn't for me, but I have to say, I am happy here for sure.

And it is all about the couple...my beau and I moved in together after three months, some it takes years, so whenever you feel ready, i say do it. If it's the real thing, it's gonna work no matter what.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 06:48 PM   #8
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excaliburgrl HB User
Re: moving in together

my hubby and i lived together before marriage and it worked out fine

hoop, what did you mean about diving for posters? curious as always...
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Old 06-08-2004, 06:55 PM   #9
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Saka HB User
Re: moving in together

I've been with my b/f for 16 months and just moved in on the weekend. For me it is a little easier I think as I was down at his place most of the week anyway so I know how he does things, I know his little habits and whatnot.

I'm not worried about not getting married to him either as I know, if all goes well, that we will marry one day. I don't think us living together will change that. And I think it is a good learning experience to move out of home and fend for yourself. I'm all for living together before marriage.

As far as the statistics go I think it may be to do with the fact that general divorce rates are rising and many couples nowadays live together before marriage so it is understandable that most divorces are with couples that lived together before marriage. Does that make sense??

 
Old 06-08-2004, 07:13 PM   #10
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SophiaM HB User
Re: moving in together

Well, I guess I am proof of Salinas' Statistics LOL. I lived with a boyfriend in the past for nearly four years. I was 22 when I met him, 26 when I moved out. He was promising to marry me all along and we had no major problems. Basically, everything was going great and we were very compatible in almost every respect. Problem? He did not keep his promise. He kept talking about it but wasn't doing anything. He was ALL TALK and NO ACTION. I waited and waited and waited, and just got more and more frustrated and feeling like I'm not good enough to be his legitimate wife, only a girlfriend. Finally he did propose but then he refused to discuss the wedding or anything related to it. He started acting weird as soon as he proposed, and we basically ended up living as strictly roommates for the next half a year. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and moved out. The End.

Oh, and to answer GH's question on backing up the statistics: the speculation is that the cohabiting couples do not last, as in either they never progress to marriage, or if they do, their chances or divorcing are higher BECAUSE, ready? 1. the level of commitment in these couples was not as high as in couples who would not live together prior to marriage, 2. marriage wasn't even the end goal for one or both partners in the cohabiting relationship, 3. the cohabiting couple was more relaxed in their attitudes about marriage (because otherwise they wouldn't have chosen that option to begin with), and so these nontraditional views also made it easier or more acceptable for them to divorce. Anyway, that's statistics, and obviously it's not always foolproof. I would say these statistics don't apply as much to older couples who already had been married in the past and/or have children from previous marriages.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 09:09 PM   #11
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: moving in together

Quote:
Originally Posted by excaliburgrl
hoop, what did you mean about diving for posters? curious as always...


LOL Excaliburgrl. First of all, Sorry Sabrina. LOL I responded to her other post entitled “Boyfriend going to Strippers”(Sexual Heatlh General) and she did not appreciate my wacky sense of humor one bit.

I was in LA last week and stayed at a couple blocks from the airport on Century Blvd. I took a drive one evening and noticed a strip bar a few blocks down and well… you will have to read the other post to put it all to together. Sabrina is a funny girl. I hope she is not mad at me still.
That thread was mysteriously locked!

 
Old 06-08-2004, 10:53 PM   #12
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excaliburgrl HB User
Re: moving in together

oooh, i just read it...thanks for filling me in...don't stay mad at him sabrina...he likes to lighten us up with some humor!

are you a dirty old man hoop? naughty naughty says I
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Last edited by excaliburgrl; 06-08-2004 at 10:58 PM.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 02:39 AM   #13
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: moving in together

Quote:
Originally Posted by excaliburgrl
oooh, i just read it...thanks for filling me in...don't stay mad at him sabrina...he likes to lighten us up with some humor!

are you a dirty old man hoop? naughty naughty says I



Whatever I may be, I ask for one thing and one thing only….

“Give me Liberty or give me…. “ ? no wait... that’s not it!

I ask for only one thing…

“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful!”



Hoop( The insomanic strikes again! )

 
Old 06-09-2004, 02:03 PM   #14
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excaliburgrl HB User
Re: moving in together

lol...i love these boards...
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'to really live you must nearly die'-received from a vietnam vet

 
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