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Old 06-05-2004, 06:17 PM   #1
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Butterfly8 HB User
Question I need some advice!! Please!!

Alright, here's the deal. I have been with my boyfriend for a year. I am 9 weeks pregnant and things for the most part are good. I have always had one issue with my SO and that was the HUGE number of female friends that he has. I mean, he has way more female friends than male and they call him all the time. I will say that he never calls them. But when they do call, they talk for a while. Anyway, I am not really sure why this bothers me so much. I have never been a jealous girlfriend in the past and I don't want to be now. But I have never been with someone who knows so many girls.

Being pregnant I can't go out to the bars around here because of the smoke and the fact that I am so tired!! I don't in any way want to tell Mike that he can't go out and have fun during this 9 months just because I can't, I mean, he can have his fun with the guys and all.....but the girls are always there. Now, I know from experience, this group of people is REAL close. I moved here from another state, (Mike and I were long distance for a while) so I don't know everyone as well. When they get together they hug and the girls all grab the guys butts, etc. Now Mike never does anything back when I am around, but it's so hard to watch.

I need some advice on this. I don't want to be controlling and I don't want to tell him what he can and can't do. But when I am home, pregnant and he is out getting drunk with all the girls I get so upset....I sit here and cry. Now so far this isn't every weekend. It has been twice since we found out I was pregnant. I am just not handling it well. Does anyone have anything for me? How can I deal with this?

I know my emotions are crazy right now, but I don't think I can do this for another 7 months!!

Thanks guys, Nikki

 
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Old 06-05-2004, 09:03 PM   #2
jek jek is offline
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Re: I need some advice!! Please!!

maybe its different for girls but id be pretty annoyed if guys were grabbing my girlfriends butt. if you ask him to stop letting them do that and he does nothing about it then yea you definetly have a right to be mad. just talk to him about the whole club thing if he dont atleast understand where your coming from especially since your pregnant and cant do alot of things with him and starts calling you a control freak or anything like that then hes being an ***hole.

and it's also a trust issue thing, but lets be realistic over half of all married couples get divorced and alot of people are scum and cheat. Not being atleast somewhat worried would be a little niave. so if anyone replies telling you its your fault for not trusting him (something you obviously do) just ignore them.

Last edited by jek; 06-05-2004 at 09:04 PM.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 01:23 AM   #3
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Re: I need some advice!! Please!!

Well, personally, I don't care how close a platonic friend is, a woman has no business grabbing the rear of a man she knows has a SO, especially if she knows the SO is pregnant. I's suggest widening your own circle of friends. Why not have your SO's friends over to your house a couple of times? That way you can get to know them better, and you dont' have to be sitting at home alone wondering what's going on. make an effort ot get to know these girls better. If they warm up to you, great. If they express no interest at all in getting to know you, that's not a good sign. It probably means they know there's a reason why you shouldn't trust them. But don't just to conclusions. It coul be your guy is just one of those guys who's popular and likes to have a lot of people around him, male and female. I know a guy like that, and it does put women off, but that's just how he is. Sometimes you just have to take people as they are. But you might also just want to sit down and have a talk with your guy and let him know how you've been feeling. Maybe you can reach a compromise.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 03:53 AM   #4
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Re: I need some advice!! Please!!

Hi I can definately relate to what you are going through....Im sure a lot of people are going to disagree with what I am about to tell you but here goes ! I have a baby that is just over 8 months old and am 16 weeks pregnant again....Before I got pregnant with my daughter my partner and I used to ALWAYS go out to bars and clubs.....Anyway I obviously stopped going to the clubs and also made him ! He goes to the bar once a week on a Friday after work normally from about 4 pm to about 8 or 9 pm, but after that I expect him home ! By the sounds of things we are older than you ,but I think the same rules apply ! He is supposed to be with you , you are carrying his child, so why does he feel the need to go out clubbing anyway ! I have told my partner if he wants the life of a single man then he should have stayed single...But he is good about the whole thing anyway thankgod....he is quite happy to have his time out at the end of the week and then come home ! I dont think its fair that your boyfriend is taking off out and leaving you at home.....Im not telling you to stop him seeing his friends , but I think he should start changing his priorities ! He is going to be a father soon ! Then what , is he going to **** off out and leave you at home with the baby on your own as well ! In regards to the female friends, I think I would also be upset as well....Of course he can have female friends, but the butt grabbing etc has got to stop, they are disrespecting YOU by doing this ! Like the other lady mentioned , maybe try making friends with them >? Have they ever made an attempt to befriend you ? Im sorry things are hard for you right now I know personally how difficult it can be being pregnant without the full support you SHOULD be getting from you partner....But that is a whole different story, maybe read my other posts LOL Anyway good luck with everything and let us know how you go
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Old 06-06-2004, 06:12 AM   #5
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Re: I need some advice!! Please!!

deleted post

Last edited by Ruth6:11; 06-06-2004 at 06:18 AM.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 07:17 AM   #6
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Re: I need some advice!! Please!!

I could offer all kinds of feel good support, but the bottom line is we that have no control over him or his behaviors and it is those that are at the heart of your dilemma, not how you perceive his behaviors.




Quote:
...when I am home, pregnant and he is out getting drunk with all the girls...
Read the above over and over. Are these the behaviors of a man one would seek out as their spiritual, physical, and emotional life partner? I wish for you strength and success in your relationship dilemma. Never settle for a man or relationship that takes more effort than gives relief.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 09:04 AM   #7
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Re: I need some advice!! Please!!

You don't have to sound "controlling" by speaking your mind on how you feel.
As I often mention you can't control others but you can take control of your own life and what you want and feel. If you don't like something then you tell your boyfriend what it is - if your uncomfortable with how "YOU" are being treated or the life your are currently living, you have the power of yourself to make what changes of what you feel is right.

You need have a sit down with your boyfriend and talk to him.
Ask him how he feels about the pregancy. You need to know NOW!
Is he going to be father or a single guy partying? It's his decison on which path he chooses but it's also your decision on what path you choose as well.
You going to be a mother and the baby will need both of you full time not a dad out drinking with girls all over him or calling him.
That's not a relationship that's you living with a roomate not a boyfriend.

Your not asking him to give up his "girl" friends but come on....Even though he doesn't call the girls - these chicks think/know/ it's OK to call him regardless of HE having a girlfriend? He encourages them calling the house because he sits there and talks to them instead of cutting it short, telling them he's busy with YOU - or answering the phone when they call.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 11:32 AM   #8
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Re: I need some advice!! Please!!

When you deliver he has to realize that the fun will need to stop because he now has a family to tend to. Its fine that he goes out everyonce in a while with friends to enjoy the last few months but he should also be with you preparing for this child and the begining stages to what a family is.

Now you know that a lot of his friends are female and the way you were talking I am guessing you know them and went out with them before. If this is true then you should trust them and him. he shouldn't be going out everynight but it is ok to once in a while.

This is a no win situation. If you control him then you may loose him and if you say no to the girls then you may loose. The best thing to do is talk to him about how much you want him to go out and trust his movements.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 01:00 PM   #9
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Re: I need some advice!! Please!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
When you deliver he has to realize that the fun will need to stop because he now has a family to tend to. Its fine that he goes out everyonce in a while with friends to enjoy the last few months but he should also be with you preparing for this child and the begining stages to what a family is.
Would you say it okay for a married man to leave his pregnant wife to go to a bar to have fun with his women friends? If he goes out with his women friends to enjoy the last few months, what should she do in these "last few months" to enjoy herself? This has nothing to do with the baby or her pregnancy; it has to do with his relationship with her as his partner. Delivering the baby will not change how he respects or disrespects her. This is one reason it is not a particularly good idea to play "house" before the rules of the game are completely and unilaterally understood and agreed to.

Say what you want about marriage as opposed to living together, but there is no doubt marriage brings with it implicit and explicit expectations of behavior that living together and having babies as boyfriend and girlfriend does not.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 01:31 PM   #10
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Re: I need some advice!! Please!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
Would you say it okay for a married man to leave his pregnant wife to go to a bar to have fun with his women friends? If he goes out with his women friends to enjoy the last few months, what should she do in these "last few months" to enjoy herself? This has nothing to do with the baby or her pregnancy; it has to do with his relationship with her as his partner. Delivering the baby will not change how he respects or disrespects her. This is one reason it is not a particularly good idea to play "house" before the rules of the game are completely and unilaterally understood and agreed to.

Say what you want about marriage as opposed to living together, but there is no doubt marriage brings with it implicit and explicit expectations of behavior that living together and having babies as boyfriend and girlfriend does not.
Always right on the money, Salinas. I agree--issues such as these should have been worked out prior to conceiving a baby. What if this guy is not capable of being a responsible adult and a devoted father? It's a big risk to take to have a baby with someone who has not proven himself as someone qualified for the task. But, it's too late in this case, so all I can say is he should be called on his immature behavior. A man with a pregnant woman at home has no business partying or talking for hours on the phone with other single women. It's just disrespectful to the mother of his child. Not to mention hurtful.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 01:35 PM   #11
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eightball61 HB User
Re: I need some advice!! Please!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
Would you say it okay for a married man to leave his pregnant wife to go to a bar to have fun with his women friends? If he goes out with his women friends to enjoy the last few months, what should she do in these "last few months" to enjoy herself? This has nothing to do with the baby or her pregnancy; it has to do with his relationship with her as his partner. Delivering the baby will not change how he respects or disrespects her. This is one reason it is not a particularly good idea to play "house" before the rules of the game are completely and unilaterally understood and agreed to.

Say what you want about marriage as opposed to living together, but there is no doubt marriage brings with it implicit and explicit expectations of behavior that living together and having babies as boyfriend and girlfriend does not.

Different relationships have diifferent views towards this. His friends are females and you can't really tell from the post of we have to asume they have been friends for a while. If he was just meeting women then that be morally wrong. If these women are friends then what is he suppose to do?

I am not making any final desicions to this post because there isa not enough information to this subject but I am thinking that she is jealous and insecure about him going out. She never said that she never went with him before the pregnancy so I am guessign she did to hang out and if she did and is complaining now about it, I am saying she wants total control.

But the other side to this is that I would feel insecure about my GF talking and hanging with guys a lot but I am not going to have her change her life for me if these guys were in the picture before me.


Its not right for male or female to meet the opposite sex and hanging out with them alone like explained in another post. It is ok though to hold on and keep your friends. Being in a relationship you have to expect a few changes like hanging out at the persons house alone but if it was in public then I have no problem.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 02:31 PM   #12
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Re: I need some advice!! Please!!

When women and men get married, the laws of nature and of man that used to hold true while not in that state of marriage, bend and reshape into both slightly and significantly different views on those same laws. Your eyes see these laws through the filter of a single young man.

How do these change. One such example is relationships between men and women pre and post marriage. If you think for a minute that hanging with women friends in bars without your wife will be viewed the same as hanging with your women friends without your girlfriend, you are not yet aware of the significant and real difference between the view of the relationship rules of pre and post marriage.

A man that hangs at the bar with his women friends, the same women that have been seen to grab their men friendís asses, while his pregnant girlfriend sits alone at home will soon find out how that allowance will not fly in the state of marriage.

Picture this: you are laid up at home because of a recent illness. Just canít get out to make the scene yet. Your wife has a group of male buddies that like to grab her ***. She wants to go out barring with these same male friends while you, her husband, sits at home. Not going to fly, my friend. Not going to fly. Itís a different universe that lies at the other side of that ceremony.

 
Old 06-07-2004, 06:27 AM   #13
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Re: I need some advice!! Please!!

If males friends were grabbing at my wife then I would never allow her to hang out with them nor hang alone again. If these are good buddies of hers and I know and are not known for doing so then I would allow her to see then until and incident occurs.

I am not going to punish my GF to stay home because of me feeling insecure. An inccident has to happen in order for me to back up for a good reason why I don't want her out.

 
Old 06-07-2004, 06:52 AM   #14
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: I need some advice!! Please!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
An inccident has to happen in order for me to back up for a good reason why I don't want her out.
But isn't that the case here. Didn't the original poster say that these girl friends grab the buts of the guys (which would include her bf and soon to be father of their child).

Jeff, do you think that if you are ready to impregnate a women, to father a child, you should also be ready to act with the same expectations of a married man?

 
Old 06-07-2004, 07:22 AM   #15
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eightball61 HB User
Re: I need some advice!! Please!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
But isn't that the case here. Didn't the original poster say that these girl friends grab the buts of the guys (which would include her bf and soon to be father of their child).
I don't remember that and she did say that but in any case I would be allowingfor her to go out but if she is grabbing butts or they are then we have a problem.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
Jeff, do you think that if you are ready to impregnate a women, to father a child, you should also be ready to act with the same expectations of a married man?
If i got my GF pregnant then I am there for her like a family man should but it should be ok for me and even her to go out with friends sometimes. But not to grab butts.

 
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